On Thursdays during the pandemic, we look forward to ordering food delivery from a local restaurant, not just to increase the variety of the food we are eating but also to support our local restaurants, who clearly need all the business they can get during these times. Today, Chris decided to order Korean from a spot near Koreatown called Cho Dang Gol, and as he usually does he ordered a large variety of dishes to last a number of days. As I opened each of the containers, I was struck by the smell of one of them specifically: it was a fried fish dish, and while I am normally a fish lover and look forward to all things seafood, the smell just seemed off to me. But, there’s no way the food itself could have been off… Cho Dang Gol is a reputed restaurant we’d eaten at numerous times. What was going on?

I tried to ignore the initial disgust reaction I had when I opened the container, and Chris served us a little of each dish. The fish was also on my plate. When I originally took a bite into it, while it felt meaty and chewy in my mouth, I could not get over the smell. It just smelled… rotten to me. My brain knew it wasn’t rotten, but I couldn’t get over the smell. I did not want to waste the food, so I didn’t spit it out and forced myself to swallow it. But I knew if I tried eating the rest of the fish on my plate, I’d probably throw up.

I told Chris that the smell made me feel nauseated, so he told me to stop eating it and to leave it aside. We continued eating our dinner, and he said, pensively, “I hope this is just temporary.”

Who’s he telling that? Fish is one of my favorite things to eat, especially SALMON or any other fatty fish. The added bonus is that it’s in general healthier than meat and is rarely lacking for flavor. And with Asian preparations, fish is so quick and easy to make.

I’d heard from many people about random food aversions during their pregnancies, especially to foods they absolutely love normally. Is fish going to be it for me?

I went by myself today to my seven-week appointment at the clinic. On my walk over, I realized that if all goes well, this will be my third to last visit before I graduate. It was a bittersweet thought, especially since there are some individuals who work here who I really have enjoyed seeing regularly, like my sonographer.

During my scan, all looked well. One twin is growing a little faster than the other, which is normal, as the sonographer and doctor both shared; it’s pretty much impossible to have both twins growing at the exact same rate. But the real stopper was when Mina let me listen to both of their little heartbeats. This week, they have both grown to the size of blueberries and are just beginning to sprout arms and legs. I heard both heart beats loud and clear and almost stopped breathing: my tiny little babies have super strong heart beats. I just couldn’t believe how surreal it was. They are both between 131-134 beats per minute, which is exactly in the range where they should be, the nurse later called to explain to me.

After each appointment and nurse call in the last week, I’ve let out a huge breath of relief to hear that everything has been progressing well. I’m hopeful yet anxious that all continues to move forward in a positive direction.

My two little babies; I still just can’t believe it.

It was Chris’s day off today, so I asked him to go out and pick me up some matzo ball soup. He is not a fan of it and thinks it is bland, boring, and a waste of space, but when he came back, he did deliver: I had a family-size container of matzo ball soup all to myself. I salivated a little while looking at the bag. They say that another pregnancy symptom is when you drool more often than usual. I guess I fit the bill.

One additional annoying pregnancy symptom I’ve been having since late last week is that I cannot sleep through the night without having to get up to pee. I’ve had to get up once or twice every night to pee, and I have no idea where all this liquid is coming from. I don’t even drink that much before bed, yet somehow I have enough urine stored up in me for two long pee sessions in the wee hours of the night! And this is supposedly just the beginning; once I start getting bigger, my uterus is supposed to put pressure on my bladder, which will cause me to pee even more often than I already am. Chris makes fun of me and says that pregnant or not pregnant, I pee like a fountain anyway, so what’s the difference?

I also had my first bout of dizziness and nausea at the same time today. I was about to go into back to back Zoom meetings, and I felt like throwing up, but I had nothing to vomit up. I went to lie down for about 15 minutes before my next call and continued to sip hot water. And once the meetings were over, I went to boil some ginger since ginger/ginger tea is supposed to help with nausea. I was lucky in that it was temporary; it didn’t last longer than two hours.

Even though these symptoms are all annoying, I feel grateful to be pregnant. In a weird way, I feel grateful to have all these symptoms to “show” I am pregnant. Every morning I wake up, and I cannot believe I am actually pregnant. I’ve been waiting for almost two years to get a positive pregnancy test or to have someone exclaim, “You’re pregnant!” and it’s finally here. I hope I can continue to be cautiously optimistic and that my body will take care of the growing embryo inside of me. I’m trying to be as hopeful as possible.

Bloating is a funny thing. Most people associate it with eating certain foods. But for me, I’ve never really gotten it from the “usual suspects” of fried foods, dairy, or gluten. Sometimes I get it post ovulation. Other times, I’ve gotten it as an indicator that my period is about to come. In the last day, though, it just feels like excess air being stored in my lower abdomen. I keep wanting to burp or fart, yet I cannot because nothing seems to come out.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to pee, and when I went back to bed, even though I felt exhausted, I could not fall back asleep because of the amount of bloat. I kept trying to release it. I drank more water. Nothing seemed to help. It lasted for over an hour, and finally I was able to release it both ways and felt relieved. And then, I went back to sleep.

Well, pregnancy symptoms… Bring it on. I can handle it.

Halfway through this afternoon while working, not only did my breasts feel super sore, but I started feeling really exhausted. My body just felt tired. These are supposed to be part of the collection of the many early pregnancy symptoms. The dull pressure and heat was still lingering in my hips, but now I just felt tired overall. So I spent the evening reading a little, lying down, and resting my eyes. I also did a bit more pregnancy yoga and my usual nightly meditation, which has been helpful in calming my nerves.

“Listen to your body and ramp up slowly,” all the pregnancy guides always say when it comes to activity, exercise, doing anything while pregnant. They say you should be doing exercise that “energizes you instead of exhausts you.” So in other words, you probably shouldn’t be doing 500 burpees nonstop or all your usual HIIT routines. A lot of really conservative sites and “professionals” will say not to do any exercise outside of brisk walking and light stretching. But that definitely does not make sense at all for someone who previously was very active and exercised all the time (that’s ME!). While I haven’t felt totally comfortable going back to running just yet, I have been ramping up my exercise again. If we get to week 6, which is when we should be able to detect a fetal heartbeat, maybe then I’ll feel comfortable running again. I’m just taking it all day by day, including exercise ramp up.

So today was the day of my big ERA test at the clinic. I was bracing myself for what would be 5 to 10 seconds of extreme pain. The clinical assistant had warned me that it would feel like “a very intense cramp for a few seconds, but then it would be over.” And so I knew that today was not going to be fun. They’re also taking a biopsy of my endometrium to check to ensure I do not have endometritis, which is an inflammation of the endometrium that can make an embryo transfer difficult. If I have it, the nurse said the fix would be easy — just a course of oral antibiotics.

The doctor came in with a nurse assistant and said that he was really excited about this menstural cycle for me because everything looked as good as it could possibly look: all my hormone levels were progressing as expected and hoped, plus the lining of my uterus was over the ideal level of thickness; he anticipates we’ll have a smooth transfer assuming this ERA test goes well.

“Excited,” huh? I’m not sure how “exciting” any of this is. That’s a funny word to use in the world of IVF.

So, he stuck the speculum into my vagina, and then took his instrument to remove a biopsy of my endometrium. He gave me a verbal head’s up when the “unpleasant” feeling would begin. It lasted less than 5-6 seconds, but it felt like a very, very intense menstrual cramp. And when he removed the speculum and said we were all set, I felt a combination of feverish hot flashes wash all over me. I could feel my face flushing. He suggested I lie down for a bit before getting dressed to leave. Even though he had removed the speculum already, it still felt like there was something down there, still inside of me, for at least a few minutes after.

The nurse stayed with me for about five minutes. They usually stay with you after this procedure for a bit to monitor you until you seem more composed… in the event that you may pass out and lose consciousness. She made some small talk with me and said that this ERA procedure went really well, as it was super quick; in some women’s cases, the doctor is not able to get to the right angle of the endometrium, so he actually has to go in a few more times after that, resulting in prolonged pain and even worse cramps for the woman. She also said that most women actually scream or moan or even cry when an ERA is done. “You handled this really well!” she said, smiling. My eyes widened. Thank GOD that was not me today!

After getting dressed, I still felt like I was having hot flashes and felt a bit dizzy and light-headed, but I thought that maybe walking in the cold would do me a little good. I walked for about four blocks to get some fresh air and then called an Uber to drive me home.

On the short 5-minute ride home, all I could think was…. “The shit I’ve had to do to just try and get pregnant. Please, God, make this all worth it…..”

I am not sure why, but in the last few YouTube videos I’ve been watching, the ads that I’ve been getting served have talked about the importance of resistance training, how running miles and miles on the treadmill will not result in weight loss and is simply a wasted effort (that last part is actually not always true for many of us, self included, but sure, you market you). Ever since I started regularly exercising in college and trying different workout regimens, I’ve always incorporated some sort of resistance training into my routine. This is no secret and is not up for debate: resistance training improves both strength and endurance. It also helps with losing excess body fat. And if you have a mesomorph body type like me, and if you use your own body weight (crunches, planks, lunges) vs. free weights, then you can build strength and definition without getting too bulky.

Oddly enough, while thinking about this annoying, recurring YouTube commercial, and while doing an interval run on the treadmill the other day, I thought about a former boyfriend who had once been, in his teens to early twenties, legitimately obese. When he showed me photos of how large he was, I was in complete disbelief. Granted, when I met him, he wasn’t the skinniest or most muscle defined guy, but he was FAR from obese. He lost a lot of that excess weight by running and working out on an elliptical (in addition to cutting his meal portions), but he had never really incorporated any resistance training into his workout routine. As a result of a lack of resistance training, he had a lot of flab around his stomach and love handles that … to put it bluntly, would literally just hang there. And it was NOT attractive.

I suggested to him several times that he try to do some form of resistance or strength training to lose it, that he needed to do more than pure cardio exercises as his 3-4x per week workout routine, but he insisted it wasn’t necessary. “It’s just excess skin,” he’d say defensively, and insist it wasn’t actually fat at all.

Well, that never worked — the polite suggestions or the relationship. He ended up gaining a lot of weight towards the end of our relationship. When I suggested that he try to lose it (this was mostly caused by stress and overeating as a result of stress from work), he said he didn’t feel like I was “accepting him for who he was” (no, that’s not the way I operate. It’s called tough love, idiots. We’re supposed to be striving to be the best version of ourselves, and that was NOT the best version of himself). And I found it completely unattractive and frustrating that he wouldn’t listen to me when I shared a very basic exercise fact that is known by pretty much ANYONE who does ANY form of exercise.

I’m not sure why I was reminded of him when reflecting on this commercial or while running on the treadmill. It was just a passing thought that came to mind. We all have different views and insecurities when it comes to diet and exercise, but to deny a basic fact about exercise seemed pretty ridiculous.