An interview with a NYC story teller

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A few months ago, the executive director of AFSP NYC asked if I’d be interested in featuring my story about why I walk at the national level. I’m an open book and am happy to find ways to help others, so I said that I’d be willing to participate. Fast forward to this last week, the AFSP head of social media reached out to schedule time before the walk at Pier 16/17 to meet with David Eng, a New York City-based videographer and story teller, to discuss why I walk and why I fundraise with AFSP. He would be producing videos showcasing personal stories of why people walk, and they asked me to sign off on some release forms so that they could post these videos publicly.

I kept looking at his name and wondering why he sounded so familiar. I quickly looked him up on Instagram and discovered that he’s actually done the food videos for Banh and Kopitiam, some of my very favorite restaurants in the city. I actually already knew his work and really enjoyed it. I was a little nervous, thinking, wow, he’s interviewed and featured people who run some of the best businesses in the city, and now, he’s just sharing my (Ed’s) story?!

The head of social media found me, and we chatted while we walked over to David staking out some good recording spots with indirect light. I asked David about his Banh connection, and we geeked out over Vietnamese food for a bit; he was incredulous that I’d actually seen his Banh video since he said it was from over three years ago. He has since stopped doing food stories because they are very chaotic and stressful due to restaurant scheduling/hiccups. Now, he focuses most of his work on social media (for Banh Anh Em!!) and on telling human stories of real New Yorkers — like myself.

They had given me some prompt questions ahead of time to get my thoughts organized before the interview. But the interview itself ended up being a lot more thought-provoking and emotional than I had imagined. David was a really great, sensitive interviewer. He asked me a lot of questions that I don’t believe I’ve ever been point-blank asked before about Ed, about my journey toward healing and helping others.

One question he asked me, which I know no one, not even any therapist or close friend has asked, is, “If Ed were here today (assuming he’s still not alive), what would you say to him?”

I paused for a while on this. I didn’t tell him this, but I write Ed a letter on this blog for every birthday of his, every anniversary of his passing. So I do “speak” to him as though he’s in the other world, heaven, whatever you want to call it. But this question I suppose hit differently because this was a live conversation, in person, and I have never been asked that face to face by anyone. It’s a hard one.

I partially shared this, but not all my thoughts (no one has time for all of it). This is what I would say:

I love you. I miss you so, so much. I hope you are proud of everything I’ve accomplished, everything I’ve done to help others in your name. I want you to know that you didn’t die in vain, you did not die for nothing, that I’m doing everything with the little power that I have to keep your legacy going. Every person I can support and help — I do it in your honor and to keep your memory alive. You may not be here anymore, but in my heart, you are always, always living on in me. I have not forgotten you; I will never forget you. I will try to live my best possible life and do right by people because that’s what you would have wanted for me, for Kaia. You will always be a part of me — the best part of me. Your life mattered. It still matters.

AFSP New York City Out of the Darkness Walk at Pier 16/17: “Why I walk”

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Today was the day of the AFSP New York City Out of the Darkness Walk. This is my 13th walk, and my 12th in Manhattan. It was likely one of the largest turnouts for the walk I’ve seen in years, which was great to witness. Three friends came to support me for the walk; two of them even recorded most or all of my speech, which I was grateful for. It’s also my second year serving on the walk planning committee. As part of my role on the committee and given I have been the longest involved fundraiser/walker for this walk, I was asked to give a brief speech during the opening ceremony about why I walk. So, I wrote this speech below and delivered it this morning. I think overall it went well. Chris held up Kaia in his arms so that she could watch me speak. Chris thinks that Kaia would rate it a 3/5 stars, though, because she started squirming in his arms after less than halfway through…

Good morning, everyone. My name is Yvonne Wong. This is my 12th New York City Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

Every year, I walk for my big brother, Ed. Ed was one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever known. I always remember how he used to shower me with gifts for my birthday and sometimes would even get me a “welcome home” cake when I’d come back to San Francisco. 

I lost Ed to suicide in July 2013, after a long struggle with depression and anxiety. I was living here in New York City. He was in San Francisco, 3,000 miles away. I often felt helpless, and I didn’t know where to turn for support.

When I lost him, I was overwhelmed by guilt, anger, and grief. I couldn’t understand why he had to die. I struggled to understand why his suffering hadn’t been taken more seriously.

In searching for answers, I found AFSP. Here was a place where people spoke openly about suicide and called it what it is, suicide, where there was room for my grief, my anger, and my questions. Through AFSP, I found people who understood, and a community I could turn to.

I also found a way to keep honoring Ed. I began sharing his story through fundraising and community events. And year after year, I kept telling it.

Then, something I did not expect started to happen. People started reaching out: friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even complete strangers. They shared their own experiences of loss and struggle. And many told me I was the very first person they had ever opened up to.

That… has stayed with me. By telling Ed’s story, I was helping make room for other people to tell theirs; I was creating a safe space for them. What began as a way to honor my brother became a way to connect with people whose pain I might otherwise never have known about. And in those connections, I found some healing of my own.

Today, I’m proud to serve on the New York City Walk Planning Committee as a volunteer and fundraiser. This community has given me a way to keep showing up for Ed… and for other people who need understanding, support, and hope.

I can’t bring my brother back. But I can keep saying his name. I can keep listening when someone is ready to talk. And I can keep working toward a future where fewer families experience this kind of loss. 

That is why I walk. I walk for Ed. I walk for the people who have trusted me with their stories. And I walk for anyone who is still carrying their grief or their struggle alone… so they can find what I found here: understanding, connection, and hope.

If that’s you, I’m so glad you’re here. You belong here. And you don’t have to walk alone. Thank you for walking with me.

Back to back kids events in a single day

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We were invited to a joint birthday party of Kaia’s classmates today, so we knew we would take her. But then her school also decided to host a Halloween fest later in the afternoon, and we thought it would be good for community building (and for Kaia) if we went to both. It seemed like a lot for us, and highly unusual given our usual Saturdays, but we do things to make our child happy, right? The birthday party would be at a large kids indoor play space from 11:30-2:30; the school’s Halloween fest would be held just blocks away from us from 3-5pm. Time was tight. And I told Chris that I was always envious of other friends with kids and how they attended preschools and schools with a strong sense of community/friendship. I wanted that, too. So now that I have it, I should take advantage of it by going to most of these events that I am here for, right?

“Well, there goes my Saturday,” Chris grumbled as Friday approached and he knew we would be forgoing our usual Saturday food crawl.

He doesn’t really mean to grumble, though. Chris enjoys socializing, and we have a pretty decent group of parents in our kindergarten class. We’re still getting to know everyone and their personalities. We’re also still discovering who we get along better with than others.

I would say that almost two months into being at this school and interacting with the parents in our class I have met, I have definitely identified people I jive with more than others. There are the people who are very thoughtful and insightful; some seem to have views and perspectives that mirror ours; some are more analytical (and anal) than others; some show they are always thinking about how others perceive them; some are trying to get into higher level parents association positions at the school; some are trying to do everything within their power to increase the school’s enrollment; one is definitely a complainer all around. So far, it’s a good mix of parents and it feels comfortable.

In the meantime, Kaia seems to be identifying friends who are her favorites or “best friends,” though, and sometimes, they change by the day. It sounds like a typical girl thing of this age range. Chris got her this book from a used book store last week called The Invisible Boy, and with its theme, we’re trying to teach her to try to be friends and play with everyone. You never know who you might get along with unless you branch out. (Adults are a different story, but hey, she’s not even five yet!).

Friday afternoon in Chinatown

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Now that Kaia is no longer going to school down in Manhattan Chinatown, I also no longer have an excuse to be down there every day. I can no longer make a last minute decision to make an authentic Chinese, Vietnamese, or Thai dish because my access to the right ingredients is limited where we are; I can’t just pick it up on a whim while in Chinatown. Now, it’s back to the days of pre-planning way ahead to think about things I may need and want to cook. Since my afternoon was pretty quiet today, I decided to go down there for some groceries and to pickup Friday dinner takeout.

I mostly purchased fresh produce, things I cannot get easily (or anywhere as cheaply) on the Upper West Side: king oyster mushrooms, oyster mushrooms, gai lan, Shanghai bok choy, fish tofu, firm tofu (a specific brand I prefer). I stopped by Banh by Lauren to tick off two more punches on my Kickstarter punch card and got some banh bo nuong slices. I went to my super under the radar Fuzhou Wei Zhong Wei for Fuzhou-style xiao long bao and fried dumplings. I waited in a short line that became super long at Kuih Cafe to pick up a made-to-order pandan mochi waffle, this time filled with handmade durian kaya (ugh, so delicious). I picked up a few baozi (cha siu and custard filled pineapple bao) since these are now no longer easily accessible for us. Chris requested Korean for dinner, so I ordered takeout from what is likely the only casual, reasonably priced Korean place in Chinatown. And on my way back onto the B/D train uptown, I picked up my HeyTea mobile app order for King Guava Jasmine milk tea. My arms were full of groceries and food brimming from my canvas bags, but I will say that the entire way up on the subway to the Upper West Side, I felt quite self-satisfied with my varied food haul. Next time, I will need to vary it up and get things I did not get this time around!

Chicken and lentil soup, majorly improvised from NYT Cooking

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Because we have The New York Times app, we also have access to their cooking app. I don’t actually make the recipes from here that frequently, but I do browse it a decent amount and bookmark recipes for inspiration. I had recently bookmarked lots of soup recipes (it’s soup season, remember?), including one for red lentil and chicken soup. As soon as I read through the recipe, though, I knew I would need to improvise a lot from the original: the soup uses no stock at all, just water. It also has one spice other than pepper: turmeric. If you cook with spices at all, you know that turmeric is never used for its flavor, but rather its color and health properties. If you want to “flavor” something with just turmeric, you are basically saying you want to taste dirt, which to me, is not that tasty (to each their own, though…). I like the idea of using lentils and chicken together in an autumn soup, so I used the base and immediately started doctoring it: I used my chicken/duck stock. I added coriander, cumin, paprika, and my self-blended Madras curry powder for additional flavor. I also added spinach at the end, along with a generous sprinkle of minced cilantro for freshness. I also like it with a squirt of lemon when I’m too lazy to add the lemony yogurt to the top. It really hit the spot… after all the changes I made. If I made it as is, I definitely would not be giving it the 5-star rating it currently has! And if you read the recipe comments, you’ll see many people make the same changes I did… but likely still gave the recipe five stars! They are far more generous than I am. I would never give a recipe five stars unless I followed it to the T and found it absolutely perfect!

Opening up the Instant Pot worked so far!

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So I cleaned the inside of the Instant Pot after unscrewing the bottom, emptying out all the burnt over dried up soy milk crud, and scrubbed clean the sensor bars. I aired it out overnight. Then I put the bottom piece back in and screwed it in. I ran a 5-minute water pressure test to ensure the pressure was building up properly. And it worked! The glue to seal the sensor screws has arrived, so I will be gluing them soon and will let it air dry before using the Instant Pot once again.

Phew. I hope this keeps up and this isn’t a false sense of security. I never want to see that awful C6L error or any error on my beloved Instant Pot ever again. I NEED my Instant Pot! It’s an integral part of my kitchen and cooking!

The scary “C6L” error on the Instant Pot

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The “error” music of an Instant Pot is unusually perky. At first, you want to think it’s something positive, but when you turn to look at it, all you see is “ERR” flashing on its little screen, along with another message. That could be “BURN,” which I’ve lost count of the number of times that has happened to me (this means the bottom of the inner lid has too much food encrusted on it, and thus it cannot continue cooking properly. Unfortunately, it’s a very common one to get with BIRYANI!). But I know how to handle that error, and I know nothing is intrinsically wrong with the device. However, after making soy milk in the Instant Pot for the fourth time this morning, I came back to open it to then hear that miserable little music again, with an error I did not recognize: C6L.

Oh, crap. And I had a feeling I knew what this was about. Four weeks ago, I made soy milk in the Instant Pot for the first time. I got the “burn” error because I did not use a steamer rack to keep the soy bean solids from sticking to the bottom of the pot. So I tried to compensate by ensuring the soy milk was cooked fully by putting the pot on “saute” mode. Well, I didn’t realize how much quicker soy milk boils over than cow milk (wow, this will give cow milk a run for its money for boiling over the quickest!), and so the soy milk not only spilled down the sides, but into the inner pot of the Instant Pot. I tried my best to dry it out and scrape every last piece out that I could over the course of three messy days. For the most part, I thought I was successful. But I had this little dread in the back of my mind that something else could be wrong because several subsequent Instant Pot uses (especially with pressure cooking), Chris and I could smell a strong, unpleasant burning smell when the pot was on. It gave me no error, and it was cooking just fine, so I thought at some point, the burning smell might just stop?

Wrong. I made soy milk today, and the burning smell lingered. C6L is an error that means that the left sensor to detect pressure cooking either has debris, liquid, or something stuck in it that is preventing it from sensing properly. I went down a rabbit hole this morning of referencing Gemini, Claude, YouTube, and multiple websites to see if I could fix this myself. I unscrewed the bottom of the main device, cleaned out all the soy milk crud that had gotten stuck on it, and reached the sensors. I had to use toothpicks, toothbrushes, tiny pieces of damp tissue, and my bare fingers to get all this crap out. The YouTube video I watched suggested removing these thick white glue pieces on top of the sensors, so I did that. But then, I didn’t know how to put them back without them falling off. So I found out I had to buy this special heat-proof, sensor-sensitive glue (obviously… on Amazon!) to ensure the white glue pieces that ensure the sensors are reading pressure correctly was glued back on (doesn’t that sound weird?). So I am waiting for the glue to arrive.

All of this is giving me anxiety because this isn’t the first time my Instant Pot has suffered. In early 2022 in my postpartum and breastfeeding chaos days, I accidentally left my first Instant Pot lid too close to the stove when I had the oven on. The heat rising from the oven melted a key part of the lid that prevented it from latching properly onto the main device. After going onto Instant Pot’s official website and learning they do not sell replacement lids, and then chatting with their support team, I lamented that my pot was no longer usable. So I ended up tossing it (this really hurt) and buying a new one. It made me both angry and sad because I hate waste, and I loved my Instant Pot so much. I really hope this glue works with fixing my pressure sensors. Otherwise, worse case scenario, I may need to be that terrible person and buy a THIRD Instant Pot. My kitchen is just not complete without an Instant Pot; I do so, so much with it and use it at minimum 1-2 times per week! PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS BE ME!

Fall is soup season

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Every September, as the temperatures start dipping and the leaves begin falling, most of my food social media starts going crazy because everyone loves autumn cooking. “It’s SOUP SEASON!” many recipe developers, food influencers, and food publications will write. And with soup season comes the need for an endless supply of delicious bone broth or stock that you can use as a base for all the amazing soups we want to make at home. As far as I am concerned, I can have soup every day, regardless of what the temperature is. But I do start actively thinking about soup a lot more in the colder months.

Since we just went to Costco about a week ago, our freezer is quite stuffed with supplies. So my bone bag (that I always refill whenever I roast/cook bone-in meat) was getting a bit squished. Chris was lightly scolding me about this yesterday since he always gets mad about certain items being placed in ominous situations in the freezer. I decided to finally throw the contents into my Instant Pot this morning with water to pressure cook while I went to the gym and got some morning calls done. Once lunch came, the bone broth was ready. When I shut it off and opened the lid, I inhaled the stock: it smelled so good, and a bit different than my usual chicken stock! And then I suddenly remembered: this bag had not just a lot of chicken bones, but also my entire duck carcass from my whole roasted duck last month! I was even more excited to strain it and let it cool!

My duck carcass is like the gift that keeps giving: I’m looking forward to using it for soups this and next week and seeing what different flavor profile it brings!

Another homework meltdown

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I know for a fact that when I was kindergarten, I did not have any homework. Homework did not start until first grade for me in my San Francisco public school. I had a bit of a head start with learning since my mom was diligent enough to force me to practice writing and reciting numbers and all letters of the alphabet, both lower and upper case, before I entered kindergarten. Discipline was taught to me pretty early, and when I wasn’t behaving, I was whacked (as were most kids of our generation by our immigrant parents). A common complaint of kids of Kaia’s generation is that they do not have enough self discipline. Every single action is monitored and manned. They have a high level of ADHC diagnoses because their parents cannot handle parenting and succumb to simply drugging their kids up, likely with medication that is not even needed. It’s not an individual parent problem, but rather a generational problem: every generation has its challenges that it needs to attempt to solve.

Although I did not have the self discipline or patience to do what my mom did and try to get Kaia to know how to write all her English letters and numbers before kindergarten, I am very much a fan of homework at this age, if just in shorter bursts. I like that her school starts homework at this age; other people will not agree with me, but the reason I like this is that it instills discipline young. It forces parents to carve out the time in the day to dedicate to learning and reinforcing learning in the classroom. At the end of the day as sucky as it sounds, it’s really a test of the parents and how much patience they can have when enforcing that homework is not optional; it must be done, and done by a certain date for teachers to review.

I was chatting with my friend over tea about this last week. She asked me if homework was really necessary at this age. She said it seemed excessive, that when she was in kindergarten 35 years ago, she didn’t have homework (and she’s just fine now!). I don’t think that using us as the example is necessarily the right thing since every generation and its standards for everything will be different. Yes, I also didn’t have homework in kindergarten, but just because I had that experience, does that necessarily mean I do not want my child to have homework in K? If discipline is an all around issue for kids of this generation, we should probably be doing more to instill it at a younger age. It needs to become a habit, one they understand that is repeatable.

So even though once again, Kaia had a meltdown after lunch today and refused to do a second page of Chinese character writing, I insisted she had to finish the second page. We took many breaks. She ran away screaming and crying from the table multiple times, yelling in Chinese that she doesn’t like homework. But I told her: in life, she’s going to have to do lots and lots of things that she doesn’t like, but they are very necessary for her life and well being. She won’t get that now, but this needs to be reinforced… forever, muah hahaha!

Okay, that sounded a little mean to laugh. But I do mean that. We need to repeat to her that there are endless things she will need to do in her life that she does not like. I hate doing half the things I do in a day, but I know they are beneficial to me, and I’m almost 36 years older than her!

Durians and rambutans in the restroom!

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We have eaten in a lot of different eateries and restaurants in NYC over the last almost two decades. Some have no restroom. Others have tiny restrooms that can barely fit a single person in them. Some have restrooms that could legitimately be bigger than an entire New York City apartment. But it wasn’t until today when we ate lunch at the “creative” Malaysian restaurant Kelang in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, when I finally decided I may have found my favorite restaurant bathrooms in all of New York City.

For one thing, the entire restaurant is beautiful: it was originally inspired by old Malaysian cinema and the moody, romantic atmosphere of Wong Kar-wai films. It has rich, plus red velvet with vintage fringed lamps, custom stained glass fixtures, and even personal and regional family photos alongside beautifully cut mirrors. They also have all the old metal tea and snack tins that you might be familiar with if you have grown up in a Chinese or Malaysian household. But it wasn’t until I went into the two different restrooms and saw rambutan trees and birds on one set of wallpaper and massive cut open durians on the other wallpaper that I declared these to be the most fun and aesthetically pleasing (and unexpected!) restaurant restrooms in New York City.

Kaia also immediately noticed these: She first confused the rambutans for lychees, then fought with me and insisted that I was wrong, that they had to be lychees (I just gave in, because what was I to gain?). Then in the second restroom when we went to wash our hands after we finished lunch, she immediately yelled out that there were durians everywhere!

“榴莲! 榴莲! (Liúlián! Liúlián!” Kaia excitedly kept repeating over and over as she pointed at the wallpaper.

I just never expected to see durians in a restroom before. This tickled me all day long. And what made me laugh in my head even more was that a lot of people would have no clue what this wallpaper design was even of! Here’s yet another case of #iykyk!

The food here was also ridiculously good; service was also very attentive. I’m likely going to be thinking about this place and its food for a long while!