Kaia’s birthday party day did not go as expected

If there is something to always be aware of when it comes to young children, it’s to know that things will rarely go as expected, and your child is unlikely to feel how you think they will feel about literally almost anything.

Kaia excitedly wore her winter princess dress that my friend got her last year for her birthday party day at school today. We also had her wear her new light-up shoes that Chris got her, which she was extremely happy about. I delivered the pre-ordered mixed fresh fruit cake to her school before the party time, and also got her a rose gold (really, it’s pink) “3” balloon for the party. The teachers were charged with passing out goodie bags to her and her 19 other classmates.

Well, Kaia unexpectedly took a nap right before the party and woke up very groggy and annoyed. She hasn’t napped at school in weeks, so it was a bit funny she decided to nap today. Then, when it was party time, the admin let me know that she was still very groggy and tired. Kaia also seemed overwhelmed by all the birthday attention and was sort of recoiling. “I just want to warn you, Mommy, that she’s not very happy looking in the photos,” the admin told me at pickup time.

And how annoying for me was that this cake that I chose for her ended up completely going uneaten by her. She didn’t seem to like it and just took one bite of it, declaring she was all done. All her classmates went nuts over the cake; there was literally nothing leftover even for the teachers (which was crazy because this was a large cake!!). I’m sad I wasn’t even able to try it out myself.

At least Kaia was completely enamored by her 3 balloon. She kept hugging it and holding it the entire ride back to the Upper East Side. I took her to the doctor’s office for a COVID booster, went to Trader Joe’s with her proudly holding her balloon, then ran an errand at Duane Reade before heading home. When we finally got home, she had a tantrum that lasted over 20 minutes because she didn’t want to take off her light-up shoes. I knew this would happen. I eventually coaxed her out of the shoes. We spent some time making pumpkin tiramisu for dessert tomorrow when my friend and her mom come over, and she enjoyed time with her goodie bag contents, especially her stickers and bubbles. I presented her second pair of light-up shoes I got her from an Amazon Black Friday deal, and she insisted she go to sleep with them.

Toddlers and their tantrums and big feelings. I honestly feel like her tantrums have gotten worse in the last few weeks. Maybe the “terrible 2s” really aren’t so terrible, and that what we should really be more concerned about are the “terrifying 3s” when kids have developed even stronger opinions, larger vocabularies, and likely even larger “big feelings.” I try to take it in stride, but wow. Sometimes, these moments really, really do test my patience.

Kaia’s 3rd birthday party planning

Since Kaia has started at her new school in Manhattan Chinatown, there have already been a number of birthdays that have been celebrated across the 2s, 3s (her class), and the 4K class. Cake, fun snacks, and goodie bags have been provided by the families, and so we thought Kaia would like it if we also did this for her early birthday celebration for her classmates, as they are essentially her day-to-day friends. She clearly loves birthdays and parties, and she has been saying she wants her own birthday event endlessly. Chris organized all the goodie bags for the three classes, and I am taking care of ordering her birthday cake (a mixed fresh fruit sponge cake from Manna House Bakery, one of my favorite spots, in Chinatown) and birthday balloon and delivering them to the school.

Kaia knows she’s having a little birthday party at school. She’s been talking nonstop about her birthday party, her birthday cake, and her presents. As one of her many gifts, Chris got her the most requested present she’s had since September: shoes with lights on them. Chris told her she would get shoes with lights — *if* she only pooped in the potty. And Pookster certainly listened. She’s had zero poop accidents since as far as I can remember now. Chris unveiled the shoes to her tonight, and she went nuts: she immediately wanted to put them on and constantly stomped her feet on the floor to get the lights to twinkle. She even wanted to take them to bed with her along with one of the goodie bags!

It makes me so happy to watch her face light up when she sees things that excite her, like shoes with lights, or a cake she knows is just for her. Her excitement is pure, unadulterated, and unambiguous. Unfortunately, the school wouldn’t let us be there for her little birthday party, so I asked them to share the photos directly with us so we’d have the original files. I’m sure we will have more birthday festivities for her once we’re in Melbourne, but I know she will enjoy all the attention and the party centered around her with her classmates.

Kaia always wants both parents with her at all times

People often ask us if Kaia prefers one of us over the other. I think for the longest time, she preferred Chris for comforting and holding, but occasionally in the last year, she has shown a preference for me. I think it’s very much situational: if one of us is not giving her what she wants, she will prefer the other and say she doesn’t like the other parent. That’s typical and expected toddler behavior, so I try not to let it get to me when she says things like “I don’t like mummy” or “I don’t want mummy.”

Tonight, I went out to meet a friend visiting from out of town for dinner. Before I even said anything, she knew I was getting ready to go out. She got feisty and said she didn’t want mummy to leave, that she wanted mummy to stay. I explained to her that mummy’s friend is in town and wants to have dinner, so I will just be out for few hours and come back. She had a melt town in the doorway and said she didn’t want me to leave and go out with friends. She kept demanding, “I want a hug! I want a kiss! I want a hug! I want a kiss!” over and over again. I kept relenting until Chris looked at me and said I needed to just go, otherwise this would go on until I would be late. By the time I got to the elevator, I could still hear her crying and yelling for me. She had just done a big poop in her little potty, and after most poops even now, she still wants her “reward” of a sticker. So she asked for a sticker from Chris, who gave one to her. She usually likes to proudly show me her new sticker after he gives it to her, but I wasn’t there this time. So instead, she “showed” it to me by bringing the sticker over to the front door and holding it out to “show” mummy.

Chris shared this story with me when I got back. I couldn’t help but “Awwwwww!” at how cute and sweet it was. That’s my sweet baby Kaia Pookie.

Packing fragile and perishable items in a checked bag and the anxiety that comes with it

When traveling, Chris and I rarely check bags when we can prevent it. There’s always anxiety around a checked bag getting delayed (or LOST), especially in a post-pandemic era where it seems like every week, we hear stories about bags getting lost and never found…or turning up in some random city weeks or months later. There are some guaranteed exceptions, though, such as when we go back and forth to Australia, as well as a few times when we’ve traveled with Kaia as a baby (all that baby stuff really accumulates!), and also, certain countries where I love “things” — France, Japan, and Korea. The idea of visiting a place like France and not checking a bag with goodies to bring home seems like such a waste. You went all that way to a glorious, delicious country, and you’re not planning to bring ANY of that deliciousness home with you?!

This time, amongst a large stash of discount French pharmacy items for myself as a gifts, we’ve also purchased and packed tea, chocolate, caramels, pates de fruits, and perhaps the most nerve racking item: French butter, specifically Maison Bordier butter. La Bon Marche actually does sous vide/vacuum sealing now for just one euro per bag (you can fit about 6-7 Maison Bordier blocks into it), so that eased my worry around the butter getting back to the U.S. fine and without going bad. In addition, some of the French pharmacy items are packaged in glass, so I had to wrap them up with all my clothes in my packing pods to alleviate my worry about them breaking. In the back of my mind, I always have this tiny worry that things I pack in a checked bag will break, even if I know logically that I’ve done my due diligence to cushion it well. I always remember the story of one of my friends coming back from Italy with several amazing wine bottles to open her luggage and discover the bottles had broken, and all her clothes were stained with red wine.

Well, knock on wood: to this date, I’ve never broken anything in a checked luggage. So hopefully my good luck continues and I’ll be able to breathe a sigh of relief after we fully unpack when we get back home later today.

Christmas carousels, Kaia’s love of pretzels, and the most decadent little Madeleine cookie I’ve eaten in my life in Strasbourg

Merry-go-round carousels are often an image that arises in one’s mind when thinking of childhood, at least in the West. Most of us who were raised in western countries can recall times in our childhood when we rode on top of a carriage, horse, or unicorn on a happy merry-go-round with fun, festive lights, colors, and music. As someone who is well into her 30s and quickly approaching her 40s, I hadn’t actively thought about carousels until we took Kaia on her first one in Central Park during a play date with her bestie from her last school and his parents back in the spring of this year. Then, she was absolutely terrified and screaming her entire first ride with me, which was miserable to say the least. But she’s changed quite a bit in the last 6-7 months. Now, she sees carousels, immediately gets excited, and demands to get on them ASAP. She got to experience four rides on the main Strasbourg Christmas market carousel; four rides that she never, ever wanted to end, likely because the ride was like magic to her. Currently, she doesn’t seem that into the horses or unicorns, but she rather sit in the vehicles when on offer, particularly the fire trucks and airplanes predictably. She LOVES fire trucks and airplanes in real life, so that came as no surprise to us.

Strasbourg during Christmas time is truly a magical place, likely one of the most fairy tale-esque Christmas market experiences we’ve ever had. And the carousel rides and its brilliant lights and decor added to the festive and fairy tale feel. Here we are, as “those parents” who are excited to get just the right pictures and videos of our happy and giggling child on her magical fairy tale merry-go-round rides. Watching her on the carousel rides all those times and trying to capture the moment made me feel really happy, too. It was almost like I was reliving my own childhood through her, but in a much happier and fulfilled way. I have mixed feelings about my own childhood. Of course, I have lots of happy and heart-warming experiences I remember. But I also remember lots of things that I frankly should never have experienced or had to deal with. And so because of that, I feel even more joy observing my own child in her happy moments because it’s like a reminder to me to not repeat all the intergenerational trauma that I’ve inherited.

Some other fun tidbits from the last day: Kaia took a very long nap during one of our Strasbourg days. When she woke up, it was already early evening, and the sun had gone down, so it was quite dark. She immediately saw a food stand at a market with pretzels and asked if she could have one. This was much to Chris’s chagrin, as he absolutely detests pretzels of any and all kinds and begrudgingly agreed that we’d get her one. As long as I have known Chris, he has gone on mini rants about how plain and boring pretzels are, that they’re a total waste of space in the food world and are the epitome of blandness. While all of that may be true, when your child wants one and is famished… well, you kind of… should probably give in and just get her fed.

One of the boulangeries I had originally bookmarked for our Strasbourg trip, Au Pain de Mon Grand-Pere, has three locations in Strasbourg and is quite popular for their baguettes, pain au chocolat, and eclairs. While I’m generally not a “chain” person while I travel, I do make exceptions for specific types of food. And well in France, by default the food quality is so much higher than in the U.S. because of greater emphasis on food and quality of ingredients, so we popped in today to pick up a couple things. Originally, I was in line just for a pain au chocolat (which was delicious and very satisfying), but what I decided to pick up on a whim was a fat madeleine cookie that was beckoning to me under the glass. I threw that in at last minute while I was being rung up at the cash register. My pain au chocolat and madeleine didn’t even cost 2 euros, which was the first thing that stunned me. The second thing that stunned me, though, was exactly how delicious this madeleine was. It had a slight crunch on the outside, was soft and cake-like on the inside, and what really stood out was how buttery this whole thing was. The butter just sang in my mouth when I chewed. This could have been the best madeleine of my life.

If you did not grow up in France, you may have first heard of the madeleine cookie (really, it’s a cake disguised as a cookie in terms of size/shape) from Marcel Proust’s In Search of Lost Time novel. The madeleine in the story serves as an object that triggers memories of the past. The main character eats a madeleine dipped in a tea and is then immediately transported back to his childhood. This is known as the “Proust Phenomenon.” I have always loved the idea of madeleines, but honestly, when I’ve had most, they’ve just been passable. This one I’ve eaten in Strasbourg will remain emblazoned in my mind as the very best madeleine i’ve ever eaten… at the nice ripe age of 38.

Strasbourg – La Capitale de Noel

Strasbourg has declared itself the capital of Christmas, aka la capitale de Noel in French. Chris says that no one can really claim that about themselves, but hey, Strasbourg was bold and decided f- everyone: we can call it like we see it and believe it! Strasbourg is one of the capitals of the EU. It has gone back and forth between being a part of Germany and France, and now, it’s currently part of France and is located right at the France/Germany border. It is famous as being one of the least French cities in all of France, and of course, for having some of the most magnificent Christmas markets in all of Europe. Its Christmas markets are one of the oldest in Europe, going strong since the 1570s, and now stretches over 300 markets stalls across the entire city. Strasbourg’s Christmas tree is known as the tallest decorate Christmas tree in all of Europe, and with all the half-timber houses lining the city, it is beyond picturesque during Christmas time. And with all the gorgeous reflections of lights and half-timber houses along the Rhine River, walking through it has felt like a fairy tale adventure.

We’ve been lucky and privileged to have visited various European Christmas markets for the last 11 years, except for 2020 (pandemic) and 2021 (when I was pregnant, then Kaia was born). We started in Hamburg and Berlin, Germany, in 2013, moved onto Vienna (2014), multiple cities across Switzerland (2015), Brussels, Brugges, and Amsterdam (2019). And this year, we’re in Paris and Strasbourg for their Christmas markets. I do not say this lightly since I never rank or have favorites for places I’ve visited: Strasbourg is likely one of the very best European Christmas market destinations we’ve ever visited; in my opinion, it really lives up the self-declared “Capitale de Noel” designation. Berlin and Hamburg were truly epic with a flying Santa with his reindeer and sleigh in Hamburg (!!) and endless, humongous, and elaborate weihnachtspyramide, or Christmas Pyramids. And here in Strasbourg, it seems like almost every house, shop, and building decks out its facade for Christmas, with Christmas themed teddy bears, Christmas lights, holly, wreaths, and endless ornaments. The markets all have local, Alsatian handmade goods, lots of edible delights (oh, the food at these markets is better and far more varied than in Germany given the French influence!), so there’s lots of fascinating, intricate, artisan-crafted goods to see as eye candy (or purchases, if your luggage has space). And the Christmas tree in Place Kleber – oh, my goodness. It’s likely my favorite Christmas tree of all the European Christmas markets we’ve been to. It’s so, so tall, and it has lots of interesting ornaments and lights that change different colors. Every 30 minutes to an hour, the lights “dance” to a light and music show that is a medley of familiar and favorite Christmas tunes. And my favorite part: it has little gingerbread people all over it! I just loved this tree SO much!

Sometimes when I walk through these markets, I feel like a child again, wide-eyed with wonder at all of the beautiful twinkling lights, mouth-watering scents, and all the fun and festive vibes emanating around me from both tourists and locals alike. I suppose each and every one of us adults has an inner child in us. But oddly enough, as I’ve gotten older each year, I have felt even more like a happy, innocent child at these markets, admiring the simple joys and pleasures of life and taking it all in like there might not be a tomorrow.

Third time in France

When I was young, I used to have all these fantasies and idealizations of France as some paradise on earth, where people simply understood la joie de vivre (“the joy of living”) and lived life to their fullest. But as someone who is about to turn 39 and nearly entering her 40s, I have realized as an adult who is only getting older that there’s really no such thing as a perfect or ideal society, that every city, country, and place on earth has its tradeoffs. You cannot have one great thing without sacrificing another. The things I love about France can also be the things that frustrate me about it, in the same way that the things I love about the U.S. are also the things that make me absolutely detest it and want to run from it. But alas, that certainly does not mean I do not love France and look forward to every visit here. I feel very lucky to say that I have visited this beautiful and delicious country three times now. It’s one of just a handful of places on earth where I feel like I need to save extra luggage space for all the delicious things I want to bring back home with me (not to mention all the incredible French skincare finds that are so much cheaper here!).

We spent the last day in Paris unexpectedly given my unanticipated ER visit and a delayed arrival in Europe. I got to visit Paris’s Chinatown for the second time (the first time was for Chris’s cousin’s wedding back in October 2015), but this time, we actually got to explore it. We found Chris’s cousin’s ex favorite durian cake spot and got some durian flaky pastries to enjoy. I noticed how much more Vietnamese than Chinese the neighborhood was. Paris’s Chinatown doesn’t look at all like any other Chinatown I’ve been to in that 1) it’s not really that Chinese, and 2) it feels more like a suburban neighborhood where everyone gets around by foot, but the shops, stores, and restaurants don’t really live on a main street or drag. Rather, they are all spread out just within blocks of each other for you to stumble upon.

One interesting thing I learned while looking at how Asian foods, particularly breads or “bao” are labeled in France is that they basically call all bao (soft, fluffy milk bread/buns) “brioche.” When I think of “brioche,” I think of a very specific type of extremely soft, buttery French bread. But “brioche” in France, it seems, is used a lot more loosely. They use it to label all Chinese buns, likely because Chinese bao (good quality ones) are all light, fluffy, and soft in your mouth. This kind of tickled me and gave me some more insight into the French language. My grasp of French is pretty poor now, but it has been coming back to me being surrounded by it here for the last day, and I’ve started remembering basic phrases and have been able to understand what people are saying to each other based on context. But I do love learning nuances of linguistics, especially of Chinese and French because they are the two languages I have formally studied.

When your toddler doesn’t understand what’s happening and still shows love

Being in the ER was no fun. It was also frustrating because I spent so long there, just over six hours, when I was originally told I’d be there for about four hours end to end. And not knowing whether I was going to be able to make our original flight was unnerving from a logistics standpoint. But what was cute was seeing how Kaia responded to all of it. The night before, when it was evident that I found it challenging and painful to speak and eat, I tried to explain to her in my croaking whisper voice that I wasn’t feeling well and that I needed to rest in Chinese. She responded back in Chinese, “No, I want mama to be comfortable. I want mama to be comfortable!” It was really sweet and almost made me tear up to see how affectionate and concerned she was being.

While spending almost all Saturday at home when she expected to head to the airport, Kaia got upset when Chris tried to get the both of them dressed towards the end of the day to pick up soup and yogurt for me since I couldn’t eat solid foods. Kaia had a melt down and started screaming and crying, saying she didn’t want to go to the airport without Mummy. “We need to wait for Mummy to come home! We can’t go to airport without her!” she cried. My heart almost broke when Chris told me she said this after I got home from the ER.

I hope Kaia is always filled with this much love, affection, and empathy. These are the moments I absolutely love — seeing her grow and blossom and show how deeply human and compassionate she is as a growing tiny person. It would be a shame not to write all these moments down and document them to share with her once she is older and able to see how far she has come. These are the special moments that make me realize exactly how lucky I am to experience motherhood and having a child — a truly beautiful child, inside and out.

Peritonsillar abscess and a fun trip to the Emergency Room

I couldn’t sleep on Friday night because of the pain. I had my eyes closed while in bed from 8:45pm to 3:30am, wondering when the heck I would fall asleep. In between, I’d take sips of warm water and go to the bathroom to pee. When I woke up at around 7:30am, I knew I was not feeling any better… and in fact, I was feeling worse. I just had this gut feeling that this was far more than just HFM or tonsillitis. I went into the bathroom and shined my phone flashlight on the inside of my throat. The growth on my tonsil had not only gotten redder and bigger, but my uvula (you have one, too! It’s that little hanging ball in the back of your throat!) was completely pushed to the side due to the lopsided growth on my left tonsil. Having a “deviated” or lopsided uvula is very dangerous and is a reason in itself to go to the ER. The health article that outlined what “peritonsillar abscess” was basically gave me a bullet by bullet list of every single symptom I’d had this week, down to the very clear diagram of the abscess and how it creates a deviated uvula, which is how my throat looked! I felt worried and did not want the worst happening to me while traveling abroad. I needed to get this addressed ASAP, as in that morning.

I told Chris I had to make an urgent care visit, so he set me up with an appointment Saturday morning just a few blocks from our apartment. I walked over and was lucky to be the first person seen when they opened. The doctor took a look at me, listened to me discuss my symptoms in a near whisper (it hurt even more to speak that morning), and immediately told me I had to go the ER and explained what I had, which was exactly what I suspected: a peritonsillar abscess. She wrote me a note to get admitted to the ER. I walked over to the hospital’s emergency department and got evaluated right away (in times like this, I’m so grateful I live just one block over from a major hospital!). I did NOT foresee myself going to the ER this week… in fact, other than getting admitted into the Obsetrics department overnight at Lenox Hill in 2021, I’d never gotten admitted into any hospital ever, so this was a bit scary to be told I had to go to the ER right away.

Even though I was the first patient admitted to the emergency room that morning, end to end, it still took 6+ hours before I did all the required tests, blood draws, IVs, medications, treatments, and was finally discharged. Two doctors were assigned to me and attempted to drain my abscess after my cat scan revealed an abscess on the left side of my throat that was about three times the size of a quarter. They were unsuccessful, so they had to page a ENT specialist on the other side of the hospital to assist. It took him almost an hour to come, but I was so thankful when he did. He was really friendly and polite, explained everything very clearly to me, listened to everything I said and treated me with respect. He even insisted I just call him by his first name, Peter (that was very non-American of him; all doctors here always introduce themselves as Dr. “Last Name”!). He gave me two painful numbing shots with huge needles (!!) in the back of my throat, then proceeded to drain the abscess, or at first, attempted and failed, as well. Then he had to keep re-aiming and moving the needle (oh, what joy!) to get into the right spot. Even with the area numbed, it was absolutely miserable. Then, he did a rather large incision and fully drained the last bits. And as if THAT were not enough, with the two major areas where he drew out pus, he had to inject sodium chloride to cleanse the open wounds, and that was truly the cherry (or the scream) on top. The cup that held all the pus was pretty hideous; part of me wishes I took a photo of it just to document all the crap I’ve gone through in my motherhood journey as a way that I can tell Kaia, “See? This is how much Mummy loves you! Look at what I had to deal with because of you!” The entire process with the ENT, end to end, was over 30 minutes. Thirty miserable, intense, awful minutes. I wish this experience on no one, even all the people in my life who have knowingly wronged me.

All three doctors marveled over how well I dealt with the abscess draining. One of the attendings chuckled and said that women overall handle it far, far better than any men, but I probably was the best patient when it came to not moving, squirming, or screaming. The ENT doctor insisted that I must have extremely high pain tolerance because I never once asked him to stop or slow down, even when there were more difficult parts. They said that unfortunately, peri-tonsillar abscesses are actually relatively common. They see anywhere from 5-7 cases every week, and occasionally even more. Nothing really puts you more at risk for it (other than being around young kids, ahem). They say that perfectly healthy people just get it, and that it’s really just bad luck. They’re just happy that I came in today as opposed to waiting longer because in the absolute worst cases, the abscess spreads and could cause pneumonia or even SEPSIS.

I always laugh when people talk about high pain tolerance. I went through IVF, pregnancy, pregnancy sciatica, and a completely unmedicated labor and birth. Plus, I survived 14 months of breastfeeding that included pumping as well as two horrible milk clogs, one of which, to this day, still has a remaining scar on the side of my breast to remind me of my breastfeeding woes. If I am not on the top of the pain thresholds for humanity, then I don’t know who the hell is other than those really sad, unfortunate souls who have been tortured and raped in wars or nearly burned/beaten to death and still living.

So I finished my antibiotic IV. They checked my face and throat for swelling. I kept spitting out endless mucus and blood from my drainage and incision. They gave me two prescription painkillers, an antibiotic, and a steroid to take for the next 6-10 days. I got discharged at 4pm yesterday after over six hours in the ER, and I went to to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. And then I finally went home to Chris and Kaia. Chris spent much of the afternoon on hold trying to change our travel itinerary, and I’m sure Kaia was angsty because she had to stay home all day. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them not knowing what was going to happen next with my ER discharge time constantly changing. They originally told me I’d be out by 2, best case, but I didn’t end up actually walking out until just past 4. We’d never have made our 5:30 flight out of JFK in time.

It’s okay, though. I’m happy I acted on my gut and went to Urgent Care, and then the ER, to get this abscess addressed and drained, plus the medications I needed. It means we’d have one day less in Europe, and we ended up having to cut Luxembourg entirely out of the itinerary. But now, we do have more time in Paris and the same amount of time in Strasbourg. I can’t really complain about having another night at home to rest, or an extra day to explore Paris.

This is yet another grim, painful reminder to me how important health is, and how it really trumps all else. If you don’t have your health, you truly have nothing else.

Travel while sick

“Are you excited about your Luxembourg/France trip?” my friend happily texted me yesterday morning. I grunted when I saw her message.

I felt like a poor little rich girl when I saw that message. I should be happy that I have this fun European Thanksgiving trip filled with Christmas markets across three cities the next week. But honestly, nothing is that exciting or satisfying when you are not feeling well, especially when it’s a challenge to talk, eat, and breathe. Going on a trip, especially for over a week, means I have to pack and organize all my stuff. It means that I have to pack and organize all of Pookster’s stuff. It means I have to think about which bags/rollers to take and which not to take. It’s a mental load that when you are sick, is not very fun. Oh, and then I realize that I didn’t even compile lists for things to do/eat while in two out of three of the cities, so I had to spend time doing that yesterday.

At least one fun thing I did between preparing for the trip and napping is watching cooking videos (hi, Kenji and Pailin from Hot Thai Kitchen), and also watching people take out all their Trader Joe’s grocery hauls. I love watching people reveal their grocery purchases!