When parenting is not fun

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Kaia has been in a mood today. She was pouty at drop-off when Chris brought her to school. Then when I picked her up this late afternoon, she insisted that we had to wait for a little friend in the 3s program since she saw his mom outside waiting. I annoyingly complied and waited. When the mom and kid wanted to wait for the elevator and Kaia did, too, I insisted this was ridiculous. She yelled, so I waited for about two minutes, then finally had to nearly drag her down the stairs because the elevator was too slow, and I refused to put up with it. Whenever she is around her “peers,” she wants to be with them and do whatever they are doing (e.g. waiting for the stupid and slow elevator) for as long as possible. Most times, I humor her. Today, it was just frustrating me.

We got on the train uptown, and I gave her a pack of seaweed to snack on. Kaia refused to give it back to me when we got to our stop, so I (dumbly) let her hold it as we walked up the stairs. She then proceeded to predictably drop the seaweed box, wasting about five strips of seaweed. I hate food waste. She knew she did something wrong and yelled, “It was an accident!” And I brought her to the trash bin to throw the wasted strips away. The irritation was just growing.

But then the cherry on top really happened: instead of holding my hand to walk up the stairs out of the train station, Kaia haphazardly started running in front of hoards and hoards of people trying to enter the subway entrance because she wanted me to take a different stairway than she did. When she ran into one person and they stopped, she would back up and try to run into yet another person. It was as though she had suddenly stopped comprehending that she was in other people’s way and had to walk up where there was no one in front of her. After calling for her multiple times when she refused to listen, I eventually had to grab her and carry her up the stairs and across the street. She was kicking, screaming, and crying the whole time. I rarely care when people stare at me carrying or disciplining her when she’s fussy. But I really, really hate it when she inconveniences other people or gets in other people’s way because it’s so inconsiderate. If she wants to throw a tantrum, fine, but do not do it in the middle of a chaotic subway station with people trying to get by us. No one in New York City wants to be slowed down by anyone else.

She screamed and cried for the entire two blocks home. Part of that time I had to carry her. Part of that time, I was nearly dragging her. And all of that time, she was crying and yelling. I stayed as even keeled as I could. I rarely even raised my voice. But the entire time, I just thought: Really? This kid is almost 4.5 years old. When do the tantrums over things that make zero sense ever end? Do they ever end…? My goal is that Kaia will not grow up to be some self-centered, “me me me” person and think the world should revolve around her. But in these moments where she is physically running into other people and expecting them to make way for her, I am so tempted to just slap some sense into her.

Yes, 36 years ago, my mom would have done just that: she would have slapped, hit, or beaten me into submission, even for the tiniest infractions. In fact, I still remember once when I was the same age as Kaia today, 4-year-old Yvonne did something my mom did not like, and she immediately pulled me into a public restroom stall, beat me, then yelled at me to stop crying and wipe my face, “Otherwise people will think I am abusing you!” I am not doing that with my kid. …Though I’d be lying if I said I never thought about it in these moments of total chaos.

Well, it’s a good thing there aren’t thought police out there.

Costco shopping – including the clothes!

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For the most part when I think of Costco, 90 percent of the time, I am thinking about what interesting food items they have in stock, whether that is fresh, frozen, or packaged goods. I have staple items I always buy, such as the organic boneless, skinless chicken thighs, beef chuck and/or grass-feed ground beef, the individually frozen organic salmon fillets, and the bags of frozen, raw, wild Argentine shrimp. I love their massive bag of spinach. I always get whatever fresh mushrooms they have — the baby bellas are Kaia’s go-to staple mushroom that she will gobble right up. But in the fall if we are lucky, I can get a good haul of wild chanterelles.

Occasionally, I also think about deals they may have on things like skin/body care (Kirkland Signature shampoo and conditioner is most definitely the best! I also think the Cetaphil face cleanser is an incredible steal). I also make it a point to always pick up a massive bag of their baking soda (we use it for all cleaning and laundry, plus baking!), so much so that Chris always makes fun of me about my favorite Costco buy being a ridiculously large bag of baking soda. My colleague watched my Costco Yvonne meets Food video and insisted there was no way I would finish the full bag. I let her know that at that point, I’d already finished MULTIPLE. When you use it to clean your toilets, add to a homemade all-purpose cleaner solution, and to freshen up laundry, you will most certainly use it all up in good time — assuming you actually clean your house.

However, what has been on the radar since right before the pandemic has been looking more closely at their clothing deals. It originally started with restocking on athletic, good-grip socks and sports bras. But then, I started noticing they have pretty good deals on shoes. The slip-on pair of walking shoes I got in 2019 right before the world ended were the most-worn shoe of mine in the 2020 pandemic year; I finally had to retire them last year and replace them with a pair of All Birds. At a Melbourne Costco, I got a set of Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas for myself, and I’ve gotten Kaia and multiple relatives/friends’ kids plenty of children’s clothing sets. The clothing is mostly known name brands, the quality is high (at least from what I can see — they wash well!), and the price is so cheap! And then yesterday while at a Costco in New Jersey en route back from the Finger Lakes, I got a new pair of name-brand slides I will be using as house slippers. They were cheaper than a similar style I was eyeing on Amazon, and they are extremely cushiony and have great arch support! I also picked up a set of eight pairs of no-show grippy socks, which will be needed for this summer.

Once another Costco-loving friend was over, and she noticed we had the same pair of athletic socks on but in different colors. She asked me if I got them at Costco, and I said yes. She started laughing, saying, “See? This is how you know we’re getting old. We buy clothes at Costco now!”

My response to her was, I don’t think it’s being “old” that is what’s driving the Costco clothing purchases. I think it’s that our age has made us realize what good, high quality deals we can get, and that we should prioritize comfort, longevity, some style, and value all in one. And Costco does a good job of that! And there’s no shame in that at all — more pride, actually!

Buttermilk Falls State Park

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Our last stop in the Finger Lakes region before heading back home today was at Buttermilk Falls State Park. The park is named after the foaming cascade (little waterfall) formed by Buttermilk Creek as it flows down the steep valley side toward Cayuga Lake, one of the eleven Finger Lakes. It was named for its “frothy” appearance of its churning waters. Similar to the rock formations at Taughannock Falls State Park, the rocks form in endless horizontal layers, creating flat slabs and angular, even sharp edges as they erode and fracture. The gorge and waterfalls formed since the last ice age, within the last twenty to thirty thousand years.

We did the gorge trail at Buttermilk Falls this morning, which was quite wet on and off throughout the walk up and down the stairs. There were times when we actually just had to walk through large puddles, which soaked our shoes and socks (Pookster was not a huge fan of this, but she was a good little trooper and sucked it up). After going through three of these gorge trails already, I am so impressed with how well maintained they are. The paths are very clearly defined; it would be impossible to take a wrong turn or get lost (…unlike the Mount Jo debacle I caused back in the Adirondacks in 2014 when I thought I would be disowned by my then-future in-laws). There’s really zero way for you to get lost on any of them, and all the stairs are sturdy and taken care of.

While the main Buttermilk Falls is impressive at this park, I would actually say that my favorite part is along the gorge trail further down, where you can see all the pinnacle-like rock formations with layers upon layers of stone etched out. The pinnacles flank all the little waterfalls that keep flowing into each other. When you look at the pinnacles, it almost appears as though a human etched them to look this way; it’s so beautiful and scenic, just asking to be stared at and photographed!

After this trip, I would say that the state parks in the Finger Lakes region are likely one of the most underrated, lesser known, and lesser appreciated public parks in the country. While I’d always been aware of the Finger Lakes region for wine and hiking, I didn’t actually realize how “gorges” the area was until doing research for this trip, and then finally going on it. I’d love to come back and see Watkins Glen State Park and some of the other gorges in the area. Who would have guessed that scenery like this existed in upstate New York?! We’re still always learning about the state, country, and world we live in.

Cascadilla Gorge, Taughannock Falls State Park, and Purity Ice Cream Co.

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Much to Chris’s mom’s annoyance of walking on surfaces that are not flat or cement, we did two hiking trails today: in the morning, we visited Cascadilla Gorge, which drops 400 feet from Cornell’s campus to downtown Ithaca. The gorge is carved through bedrock — shale, siltstone and sandstone, exposing sedimentary rocks that were deposited over 400 million years ago. When you walk through the extremely well-maintained trail, it feels like one little waterfall after one big waterfall after endless waterfalls over and over. And if you take the gorge trail from the trail main entrance, you end up on the Cornell campus!

In the afternoon, we went to Taughannock Falls State Park and did the North and South Rim trails. The name “Taughannock” has Native American origins, as one translation suggests the name is derived from a combination of Iroquois and Algonquin terms meaning, “great fall in the woods,” which would be quite aptly named. The waterfall and gorge together are an example of a “hanging valley,” which is formed where Taughannock Creek’s stream-carved valley meets the deeper glacially carved valley that contains Cayuga Lake. When we reached the falls outlook point on this trail, I used my camera to zoom in on the fall’s base. You could see right away the effects of erosion over time right at that point.

It didn’t seem to matter how many waterfalls we saw on this short trip, but each one was incredible and breathtaking in its own way. I also loved seeing the different colors of the water at different points of the hike, and also when the sun occasionally poked out of the clouds to reveal itself. Though because Chris’s mom hates stairs, inclines, and anything that is even slightly uneven or not flat, she kept muttering, “Another waterfall? Again?” And not necessarily in a positive way…. It also gave way for some fun jokes. Even Kaia at some point said, “Another waterfall? I don’t want that! I’m tired!”

Kaia did get a very special treat at the end of the day, though: at the end of the day, we stopped at Purity Ice Cream Co, an Ithaca institution operating since 1936. It is known as “The Ice Cream of the Finger Lakes” and is quite the impressive ice cream shop: its storefront is huge, with generous seating (booths!), WiFi (a big plus for Chris’s dad), and huge restrooms. There’s even a drive-through where you can pick up ice cream and not even get out of your car! For the first time ever, we let Kaia have a waffle cone — she chose strawberry as her flavor. I shared it with her (since she’s never allowed to have her own to control sugar intake/portions), and I will say that the strawberry ice cream was truly excellent — really creamy, with strawberry flavor infused throughout, and generous with frozen chunks of strawberry fruit. And while I never get waffle cones, this waffle cone was really, really good. It still seemed like it was warm, maybe even fresh off the waffle cone iron, and it was thick and crispy throughout.

We could easily spend a week here exploring all the interesting food spots and hitting every single gorge, but alas, tomorrow is already Sunday and time to go home. I am still wondering how it took us this long to finally come up here. And I still can’t get enough of how good and fresh these state parks smell!

TIL that Cornell was built between two gorges

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When I was in high school listening to peers around me talking about how they would choose the colleges they’d apply to, one criteria inevitably always came up when it came to private schools out of state (of California): the beauty of the campus. This seems a little ridiculous when you think about it: when you are enrolled and going through the hell of midterms or final papers and exams, do you really think you will be meditating on how beautiful your chosen college campus is?! My college had a beautiful campus, and while I did appreciate the architectural details, the large green lawns, and the lake, these details were always lost when I was stressing about my studies.

However, for those I knew who applied to and went to Cornell, whether that was for undergrad or grad work, not a single person ever, ever told me that the campus was intentionally built between two gorges: the Fall Creek Gorge and the Cascadilla Gorge. There’s a huge waterfall and dam that runs through the middle of the campus. From certain hills on the campus, you can see sweeping views of Cayuga Lake, which is one of the eleven Finger Lakes (and one of the most well known, next to Seneca Lake). And the university actually utilizes the natural water flow through Fall Creek Gorge to power a hydroelectric plant, which generates a portion of the campus’s electricity. That’s quite impressive. Ezra Cornell, who designed the university, intentionally built it around the two gorges. I just found this to be such a unique and impressive story, one I had zero idea about before visiting the campus today. And it would be very good future trivia on American colleges and universities — and a point in favor of Cornell being on the top lists for “most beautiful college campuses.”

Although I will say that as soon as I knew there were gorges around the campus, plus the huge dam, my mind (and eyes) immediately started looking for suicide netting… which I quickly noticed. The nets are like the suicide net around the Golden Gate Bridge — meant to feel like slicing yourself through a cheese grater if you chose to jump into it. Where there is beauty, there can also be pain.

Three-day weekend away by car

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Two times a year, we rent a car for a long-weekend away somewhere. This usually happens once in the spring when Chris’s parents come visit. Post-pandemic and in an era of Pookster, we have stopped doing getaways by air with them and instead opt for car travel for this trip. In the autumn, we usually go somewhere in October for leaf peeping, and so Kaia can get her fix of pumpkin patches, fall festivities, and apple cider donuts. This year, Chris decided we would finally go up to the Finger Lakes region, which is about four hours north by car. We’ll be staying up in Ithaca and seeing the surrounding areas.

While I’d always heard Ithaca’s surrounds were a beautiful place given it’s right in the heart of the Finger Lakes, I actually didn’t realize what made it so pretty. Its slogan is “Ithaca is Gorges” for a reason: it is home to 150 gorges/waterfalls, with a number of them living in some very vast, unique state parks — all formed during the ice age. You can visit Ithaca Falls, a massive waterfall, just a few minutes drive outside of downtown Ithaca; for zero payment, you can park your car and walk right up to the waterfall and enjoy it! The major school nearby, Cornell, is flanked by two gorges. It seems every which way you turn in the area, there’s a stunning waterfall waiting for you!

When Chris plans these trips for his parents, he never tells them in advance where we’re going. So his dad is left guessing in the passenger seat by the road signs. It’s a little game for him, and Chris revels in keeping his parents guessing. He loves hearing all of his dad’s random guesses (some which would geographically be so impossible that they become hilarious). By this time, though, his mom has learned not to even bother asking. She simply asks about weather and keeps it at that.

And so, a “gorges” weekend awaits!

Banh xeo love for the family

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Although I am half Vietnamese, I never ate banh xeo until I was a teen. My mom never made much Vietnamese food at home because her favorite Vietnamese dishes were so laborious. Plus, cooking was done out of necessity, not passion, so she could feed her family economically. So when we ate Vietnamese, it was at the occasional Vietnamese restaurant in San Francisco, during a day trip to San Jose (along Story Road), or down to Westminster, California, which has the biggest concentration of Vietnamese people outside of Vietnam. With banh xeo, it was love at first bite for me: the banh xeo, or sizzling crepe, was crispy, almost chewy in the center, fragrant from coconut milk, and generously dotted with mushrooms, shrimp, and pork pieces. Banh xeo is usually stuffed with mung bean sprouts, and the most traditional ones have mung bean in the batter and also scattered inside with the mung bean sprouts. The sizzling crepe gets an even bigger hit of flavor once you add fresh Vietnamese herbs, roll it in lettuce or rice paper, and then dunk it into nuoc cham dipping sauce. 

Banh xeo is not a weekday meal, as it has multiple steps. its batter needs to be soaked, ground, then rested. And each crepe takes at least 12-14 minutes to make, end to end, assuming you are making it properly, have your mise en place ready to go, and are allowing the crepe to get fully cooked and crispy at the edges. It’s a true labor of love. The cooking part on the stove can be tricky and is where I have personally messed up a number of times because I’ve rushed it — a true rookie move. Some take the easier way out by shallow or deep frying the Banh xeo, as this cooks the crepe much faster. I stick with the traditional and less-oil/less caloric method of pan frying. And once the banh xeo is ready, it ideally needs to be eaten within 20-30 minutes to be enjoyed at its peak, otherwise it will quickly get soggy and even mushy, and the magic will be finito. So it’s hard to make for large groups unless you have multiple pans going at the same time. They don’t keep well warm in the oven, sadly. One of my Instagram food friends said that when she makes it, she has everyone gather around her kitchen counter and wait for the next banh xeo to drop, and the second it comes off the pan, she serves it immediately and they literally dive right into it. Once that one is done, it’s onto the next one. As the chef, she eats it all while cooking and standing up. The rush is real!

Well, I had the craving and ingredients, so I wanted to make it for Chris’s parents’ arrival back from their Nevada, Utah, and Toronto travels. So we did have to start cooking dinner right before we ate to ensure peak crispy banh xeo. But I think it was worth it: they got to experience something super fresh and authentic, and I got to witness Chris’s dad try to roll and wrap rice paper with his “I can’t stand eating with my hands” mindset. Kaia even got to enjoy another rice paper roll. Joy for all!

Mutual friend outreaches in the last couple days

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On Monday afternoon, I went out for a coffee catchup with a friend of a friend who lives in Hong Kong. She used to be a friend’s roommate way back in 2011-2012 when my friend temporarily lived in New York. I haven’t seen this person since my friend’s wedding in 2012. While we hung out in larger groups of mutual friends, I realize that I never had a clear picture of her personality because I’d never had a real 1-on-1 conversation with her before. She contacted me about a month ago to let me know that she would be accompanying her husband on a work trip to New York and wanted to see if I’d be free for a catch-up. I agreed, figuring it would be nice to chat with a familiar face and actually get to know her for her as opposed to group chat. It’s been 14 years, so a long time had passed! And I’m always happy to give people a chance and time assuming nothing negative had previously transpired between us.

It was actually a really good catch-up and filled my cup. We talked about what we’d been up to since 2012, including work, relocation for her, change in partners, marriage, and IVF and a baby for me. We ended up chatting for nearly two hours, which I wasn’t expecting. She said that she’d likely be back more in New York given her husband’s work, and she insisted that I reach out the next time I’d be in Hong Kong.

It always feels good when someone else takes the initiative in your life to organize a catch-up. A mutual mom friend I met at this last Saturday’s birthday party emailed me to follow up on something she said she’d share with me about Chinese immersion programs in the city (how thoughtful that she’d remember and ask our mutual friend for my email address!). In her message, she asked if I’d be open to catching up over coffee or a drink in the coming weeks. So we exchanged numbers, and we’re planning to meet for coffee in a few weeks.

For a long time, I felt like it was really hard to make and meet new friends in New York City outside of work; in my 20s, it was pretty much impossible. But now, in my late-30s and early-40s, it seems to be happening a lot more naturally for me. And it feels really nice. I’m always happy and willing to meet new people as long as we have similar interests and values, and I’m even happier to meet with them if our backgrounds are nothing alike because it means that I will likely learn a lot I’d never previously been exposed to. And that is always exciting for me.

Disappointing NYC pizza

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So after years of following a certain very popular downtown Manhattan pizza spot, I finally went today to get a single slice of their version of margherita. Given it was a Monday at around noon, there were none of the usual crowds, just a few tourists. It was standing room only: no seats at all. If you wanted to eat just outside, they created “makeshift tables” out of the tops of huge garbage cans (really classy). I went and ordered a single slice of pizza and waited for them to reheat it.

And when I got it, I touched the bottom of my plate and noticed that it actually wasn’t that hot. They did a bit of a rush job to reheat my pizza. When I bit into it, it was even worse: the botttom was soggy; there was no crisp or crunch on the bottom despite the reheating. And the tomato sauce tasted so sweet that it was as though they added sugar to it to make up for lackluster tomato sauce. It was actually really embarrassing given the reputation this pizza joint has in lower Manhattan. I knew I would never be back.

The cherry on top was that I went back and looked at the pricing: they charge 15 percent extra if you pay credit card, plus tax. If you pay cash, which I did, you get a 15 percent discount and don’t have to pay any sales tax. Wow — 15 percent? That’s a lot higher than the 3-4 percent that Visa and Mastercard are charging the business. It’s almost like they want to profit even more off you for dealing with your credit cards! I will definitely never be back — I don’t care how good the other slices are supposed to be. One bad move with pizza in a city as pizza-rich as New York, and it’s game over forever.

How long are we allowed to be kids?

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When we were getting ready to go to Kaia’s friend’s 4th birthday party in our building yesterday, out of nowhere, Kaia decided that she wanted to wear her cow costume (from Halloween two years ago, as it was oversized!) to the party. Originally, Chris was not a fan of this and insisted that she just wear regular clothes. But Kaia is stubborn (just like both of her parents), and she continued persisting that she really wanted to wear it. I thought about it for a minute and just told Chris that we should relent.

“We should just let her wear it,” I said to him. “She only has so much time when she can wear a costume like this when it will be considered ‘acceptable.'” Plus, she’s already slowly getting too long for this oversized costume, and she won’t be able to wear it soon anymore. So we should just let her get more wears and fun out of it as long as we can.

Of course, Kaia was thrilled. She insisted that the cow be fully zipped up, and that she even wear the cow “head” (the hood part). Knowing her, I had a feeling she’d last only a short time at the party with the outfit since it would get quite hot and stuffy, especially with so many people in the apartment. So predictably, the cow costume eventually came off. But of course, all the adults marveled at her cow costume initially. One of them even asked me, “So, is this her weekend outfit of choice?”

Kids can get away with so many things that adults could never get away with: making beelines and cutting people off for seats on public transportation; constantly angling for freebies at stories and restaurants; simply smiling and getting free candy from doormen in buildings; wearing single-piece full length costumes on just any average day. I love that about childhood, and I wish we could all learn to embrace it more. Childhood is finite — it will all come to an end, and then we will no longer be given grace on so many things. Well, I can’t really personally embrace it since I’m quite far from my childhood years, but I want to let Kaia embrace it for as long as possible. I want her to enjoy her childhood and not have her rush to become an adult. There’s so much fun and magic in childhood that gets lost when we focus too much on the future and “getting big.”