Category Archives: Motherhood

Autumn in Inwood; and the “stalker” at the library

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Today, we spent the day up in Inwood, which is on the upper tip of Manhattan. The last couple of years, we’ve come up here during the fall, when all of the leaves are changing color and there are large swaths of gold, red, and orange leaves scattered all over the ground. We all enjoy stepping on crunchy leaves at this time of year, but unfortunately it has rained the last couple of days, so instead of crunchy, they were all soggy. It still made for some picturesque walking and some good photos, though.

After all the years of coming up here, we finally decided to enter the Inwood public library branch. Just two years ago, this branch was fully redone and renovated, so it looks quite shiny from the outside. We spent a good amount of time inside looking at the endless variety of children’s books, all so multicultural in many languages. I always think about this when I think about children’s books now, but the representation is so much greater now than it was when I was a young child. The interior, as we imagined, was really well done: spacious, well laid out, with lots of floor to ceiling windows and natural light.

A separated children’s reading room can be accessed through double doors from the main children’s area. Kaia insisted on spending time in there, so I joined her and read some books with her together. While we were in there reading together, Chris stood from the outside of the room, and through the floor-to-ceiling windows, he snapped several photos of us reading together to “capture the moment” as he always likes to do. Chris loves taking candid photos, especially ones that we are unaware of, or that can frankly be unflattering (he contests this, but what does he not contest that I say?!). Suddenly, one of the librarians comes into the children’s reading room and says hi to Kaia and me.

“Hi! So sorry to bother you,” the librarian began, smiling awkwardly. “I just wanted to ask: do you know that man there in the blue hoodie? He has been taking some photos of you, and I just wanted to make sure you were associated with him?”

I immediately started grinning. Chris can be so ridiculous sometimes, and he gives “zero shits” what other people think about his behavior. But to a regular bystander who has no idea we are together, his behavior can seem super stalker-like and weird, maybe even borderline “inappropriate”!

“No worries,” I immediately reassured her. “He’s my husband. He just likes to capture the moment!”

We both started laughing.

“Oh, thank goodness!” The librarian responded. “I just wanted to make sure we didn’t have an awkward situation on our hands and I didn’t need to call security! Hope you all enjoy!” And she left the room.

And there, you have it, my friends: This is just one of many endless examples of what a weirdo husband I have and what a weirdo dad Kaia has.

My kid’s palate: You win some, you lose some

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Earlier this week, Kaia came up to me and started grabbing my leg.

“Mama!” she said sweetly, looking up at me smiling with twinkly eyes. This usually means she wants something. She glanced at the kitchen counter, where she saw some bananas I just bought. “Can you make me some banana pancakes this week?”

Kaia has loved pancakes since she was a baby. Banana pancakes was likely her very first type of pancake I made her, and since then, she has consistently enjoyed and asked for them since. I’ve made many variations of pancakes for her over the years, but these seem to be her favorite.

I explained to her that work was very busy this week, so I wouldn’t be able to make the pancakes until this weekend. She doesn’t know this, but the bananas I’d use were actually overripe in the freezer, and so I needed to defrost those for these pancakes, as well. The bananas on the counter were for a different use. Luckily, she didn’t have a melt down and seemed to understand.

“That means you’re gonna make them for me this Saturday, before martial arts?” she replied, grinning. “I’m gonna have banana pancakes with maple syrup this weekend!”

Kaia started squeezing my leg. Though it was like she was tugging on my heart. This felt bittersweet, as in that moment, I wondered when she would become too tall so that when she’d grab me, she’d no longer reach just my legs anymore. It’s one of the many sweet parts of early childhood that I’ve always loved the physical feeling of.

The other thing I love about her pancake eating is that it’s definitely evolving. In the second half of this year, we started letting her have just a little bit of maple syrup regularly with pancakes. She does this really cute thing where she likes the maple syrup, but just on half of each pancake or each serving. And she prefers the maple syrup always on the side to “dip.” So, I never pour any maple syrup on top of her pancakes. It is always poured away from the pancakes, wherever on the plate they are. It’s cute that even at this young age, she has a preference (just like adults!) for maple syrup placement!

As cute as this is, Kaia is not a fan of every single thing I make. This week, I was excited to make my first butternut squash soup of the season, this time with my chicken/duck stock. Chris and I really enjoyed it; it came out thicker than I’d ideally like. I was planning to thin it out with more stock, but Chris insisted he liked the thicker texture, so I left it as is. Well, Kaia did not agree with this; she kept saying that it was “too thick!” and that it was “yucky!” Yet over the course of this week, she had three whole bowls to herself.

A week or two ago, she had butternut squash at school lunchtime. I asked her what she liked more, school lunch butternut squash or mama’s butternut squash. I did not get the answer I wanted.

“Butter Beans (that’s the name of the lunch provider) butternut squash!” Kaia responded enthusiastically. “It’s not yucky!”

Ughhhhhh.

Parent teacher conferences

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We’ve had parent-teacher conferences since Kaia was in daycare. We had them in 3K and 4K; all of them seemed fairly straightforward. We never heard anything that really surprised us about how Kaia behaves in class. She’s always been a very social, enthusiastic child who loves spending time with others. She generally respects authority figures while also occasionally attempts to test them. Today we had two parent-teacher conferences, the first with her English teacher and the second with her main two Chinese/homeroom teachers.

As expected, we heard about her growth in areas like attention span and writing mechanics in the short time she’s been in kindergarten, so almost two months now. One thing I have thought a lot about in our homework struggles, especially in the weekday evenings, is how maybe the muscles in her hands just haven’t developed enough, and that’s why she finds it uncomfortable to write… and thus dreads doing weeknight homework. One way to really develop that is to encourage her to keep writing in smaller spurts. And for fun things, she could do things like use a water spray bottle (strengthens the same muscles, surprise surprise, which she loves doing already!), roll and make shapes with Play Doh (which will need to be played with at the table, ONLY), and use kid-friendly scissors to cut shapes, tear paper, and crumple balls. Some of these were suggested by the teachers; others I looked up after the discussion. I think this could be another fun form of play that could help develop her hand muscles to make writing less annoying. And we all know she loves to draw and color, so of course we want her to continue that.

These are all the little things we don’t really think about as adults because we take these skills for granted; we’ve been doing them for so long, so we don’t immediately think these could be issues. But it’s comforting to know that Kaia has supportive teachers who want to help and can give us ideas at home to support. On the other hand, these are all things that are hard for me to relate to because unlike Kaia, I was not the youngest in my class; I was usually the oldest or one of the oldest (and biggest in kindergarten!). I also was writing letters (very regularly) before I even got to kindergarten. So this is about learning to be patient and helping my baby grow, which is going to be at a different rate than I remember for myself.

Homemade food: So under appreciated

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Since Kaia was a baby, I have been pretty maniacal about the food she has eaten and making sure the majority of what she is eating is homemade, made from scratch, and wholesome/healthy-ish. Then again, I suppose that even before her, I was maniacal about all that for myself. We really are what we eat; I believe that statement inside and out, and so I want to make sure that Kaia is eating mostly whole foods most of the time. Working from home and not needing to go into an office has made this very possible for us. If I had to be an an office four or five days a week, this definitely would not work out as well for us.

I remember during the early newborn days when cooking tasks that I consider basic and routine, like mincing garlic, seemed like such an annoying chore: that is how most people view cooking who do not like to cook. Every single additional step or ingredient is a chore, an annoyance, an inconvenience! So when I look back at my childhood and realized that almost every single night, Ed and I had something different to eat, something new, something homemade, I really think it was a true feat on the part of our mom (my dad only cooked occasionally, and it was more a hobby for him). She worked a miserable 9-5 job in an office five days a week, yet somehow managed to have dinner on the table ready for us by 6pm (she was also maniacal about getting on the express bus back home from downtown San Francisco!). Today, I just think that’s insane — real mom magic! I even told my mom this when I went back home in August. She half smiled and shrugged. “I have to take care of my family,” my mom said in response. It’s really that simple to her.

So when I made butternut squash soup today, which ended up becoming part of tonight’s dinner, Kaia whined and said she didn’t like it even before she had a bite. And all I could think was… ugh. Kids are inclined to be this way, to whine and whinge and decline things they don’t know or haven’t tasted. Their moods change with the wind. But she has no idea how much effort went into this soup: the bones-in-the-freezer saving, the Instant Pot pressure cooking, the (whole!) butternut squash needing washing, peeling, cutting, and cubing — just some of the steps to begin. That last part is such a chore that many people who eat butternut squash do not do any of that prep. They skip straight to the “buy butternut squash peeled and cubed” step (which I have never done even once in my life!). Then there’s the cutting and roasting of the carrot and squash, the dicing of the onions, more garlic slicing, sauteing and browning, simmering, BLENDING in a real blender (yes, really!). And then you end by simmering for a last time and adding extras like spices, a splash of milk, cream, or additional stock. THEN, IT IS FINALLY DONE. These autumnal soups are a labor of love; most soups are. But really, all homemade dishes are a labor of love that not everyone can appreciate, even in adulthood.

In the end, Kaia ate the whole bowl of butternut squash soup. She whined, but we could tell she enjoyed it. I am waiting for the day when she has other versions of food out there in the wild, and she comes home and tells me she prefers my version. I am still waiting patiently and eagerly.

Kaia’s first ring pop… and real lollipop experience

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After Kaia finished a bunch of English and 75 percent of this week’s Chinese homework today, I told her that as a reward, she could pick one piece of candy from yesterday’s trick-or-treating stash and eat it. Of course, she chose one of the two ring pops she got — this time, the “blue raspberry” one. She licked and sucked it and giggled and shrieked throughout. And as I watched her greatly enjoy this massive sticky ring on her finger, it dawned on me that this was her first real lollipop experience; she’s never had one before. She’s watched many other kids have them, but she herself has never enjoyed one. I showed her a mirror so she could see how blue her lips and tongue were turning from the blue ring pop, and of course, it completely delighted her. Kaia knows that we don’t allow candy, so this truly is a very special, very rare “treat” for her. She savored it until the very, very last lick. It was really cute for me to watch her enjoy and savor every bit of that teeth-rotting thing.

It’s funny to think about how permissive my parents were about my sugar consumption when I was the same age. I got to eat plenty of candy, chocolate, and ice cream all the time; I suppose my grandma didn’t help because she also had a sweet tooth, and she’d let Ed and me eat whatever she was eating. Then, she’d indulge us further by buying us candy at the corner stores nearby. We especially loved “sour power,” or the sugar-coated sour belts; even thinking and writing about them now still makes my mouth water a bit. My parents never brushed my teeth except with water until the age of 5 because I was so fussy with the toothpaste, so my mom just gave up (I think it’s a safe bet to say that my dad never attempted to brush my teeth… ever). Then I ended up with three cavities at my first dental visit at 5 years of age — what a surprise! So when I tell my mom that Kaia doesn’t get candy or almost any sweets unless it’s a shared dessert, she thinks I am being far too strict.

Well, times have changed. We need to protect our child’s teeth and physical health for long term benefits. We know a bit more now about the dangers of overconsumption of sugar versus back then. And so, it actually makes me feel quite proud to see how Kaia self polices herself with sweets, and how she knows what foods we approve (and don’t approve) of. I hope she keeps this up.

What Halloween and trick-or-treating means is very different depending on where you live

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Halloween means different things to different people across the U.S. (and world). I have some colleagues whose streets completely shut down in the suburbs for neighbor-sponsored parties of bouncy castles, haunted houses, games, food, and drink. Friends in San Francisco go house to house trick or treating, with some of their neighbors even redoing their garages for a mini-haunted house experience. Some go to adult-only Halloween parties where everyone dresses up. Others go to different neighborhoods to see what kinds of candy and fun will be available to them. Until I moved to New York, I had no idea that high-rise, doorman buildings like ours did their own version of trick or treating: they would have participating residents sign up for their unit and time slot they’d welcome trick-or-treaters, Some buildings even do their own lavish decorations in their entrances and lobbies as I’ve seen a few times this year.

In the last two years, we took Kaia trick or treating just in our building. Two years ago, she didn’t quite understand what she was doing, but went along with it. Last year, she understood she was getting candy every time we knocked on a door and she said “trick or treat!” This year, when I said we’d go trick or treating on W 69th Street between Columbus and Central Park West, she didn’t quite understand what this meant. When we started leaving our building at around 4, she got confused and said to me, “Mama, I thought we were going trick or treating?”

“We are going, Pooks!’ I exclaimed to her. “We’re going outside, to 69th Street, to trick or treat there! And then maybe we can see some of your friends, too!”

I chuckled. It dawned on me in that moment that to date, Kaia’s only concept of “trick or treating” was just in our many multi-unit building, going unit to unit, up and down the elevator. Her puzzled face transformed into a big grin when she said, “Aww, okay! I thought we trick or treat in our building?” I had to clarify for her that there are many, many ways to trick or treat, and in our building is just one of them! This was becoming a real adventure for Kaia Pookie, as she’d never before gone trick or treating outside the building!

She got so excited as we got to West 69th Street and saw all the decorated brownstones and businesses; the entire street was shut off to car traffic with cops all around. She loved going to front doors and saying “Trick or treat!”, with pretty much everyone passing out candy also elaborately dressed up. (She avoided the skeletons, though, and was not a fan of them!). Her favorite was this guy who had spray painted his entire naked body, from head to toe, bright green; he was wearing white shorts while passing out candy. She kept giggling afterwards. “He’s so funny!” she shrieked to me after as we ran along up and down W 69th Street.

I tried and failed to get in contact with some of her classmates’ parents; everyone seemed to be running behind, and Kaia was quickly getting tired. We waited at the end of the crowded block for at least 15 minutes before I had to call time and tell her it was time to go back to our building. She kept saying she was tired and wanted to go back… but she also said she wanted to trick or treat at our building. So we hit every unit, and she got excited every time someone opened a door for her to yell trick or treat. And just like last year, she was not super happy whenever someone laid out a bowl of candy instead of allowing her to ring their bell and see her. There is one exception to this, though: one neighbor left out a massive bowl of candy, with RING POPS! Kaia got so excited. I didn’t even realize she knew what those things were. She grabbed two and started giggling hysterically. “I GOT TWO RING POPS” she kept saying over and over to the next floor.

Halloween this year was quite fun for all of us, though it wasn’t the group trick-or-treating I had envisioned with her new classmates. Maybe next year we can be more organized. But either way, the day ended well, with Kaia laying out all the candy she got from trick-or-treating on the rug and telling me which of them were her favorites. My sweet baby is growing up super fast… I cannot believe this is already her third time trick or treating!

“I don’t want you to come to my Halloween party!”

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Since preschool, Kaia has had many moments when she does not necessarily want her parents there. Sometimes, she insists on walking and holding hands with her classmates. Sometimes, she doesn’t greet me at all at pickup, shoves her backpack into my stomach, then keeps walking. This is all “love” when taken for granted, right? I suppose it starts at an early age!

This morning when Chris and I told her we were coming to her school for the Halloween parade and class party, she started whining immediately and kept saying over and over, “I don’t want you to come!” I actually came to the class 45 minutes early to help the class parents set up the Halloween party activity and party treats. So when Kaia was coming back from her other class and saw me, she immediately looked away, pretending not to see me. This is what love feels like with school-aged kids, eh?

The Halloween parade and party were a lot of fun; I got to meet some parents of Kaia’s class I hadn’t previously met, and we got to chat and get to know each other. I even had a pretty lengthy discussion with one of the classmates’ grandparents, who was in town visiting from Singapore. She got so excited when I not only told her that we are planning to go to Singapore at the end of the year, but also when she realized I could speak Chinese (the other parents volunteering don’t speak Chinese). So I had some unexpected time practicing my basic Mandarin. That was a bonus for me. I had a quick chat with Kaia’s homeroom (Chinese) teacher, who told me that Kaia’s focus on Chinese stroke was improving a lot in the last couple weeks; this was news to me, I told her, because every night of doing homework was a cry fest and a repeat shouting of “I don’t like homework! I don’t like it!” in both English and Chinese!

A friend of mine also came to see Kaia for the class party, and then afterwards when after-care started, we went to catch up at a nearby cafe. This was when Kaia suddenly wanted her parents: I went over to her to tell her I was going out with my friend and that I’d pick her up in a couple hours. Chris was already out the door at that point. Kaia grabbed my leg and suddenly said she wanted to come with us with her big sad puppy-dog eyes. The teachers ended up having to console her and gently pull her off my leg…

So, that’s love from your kindergartener. They want you when they want you, and when they don’t want you, they… ignore you and pretend you don’t exist. Love comes in many forms, as I am constantly reminded….

Back to back kids events in a single day

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We were invited to a joint birthday party of Kaia’s classmates today, so we knew we would take her. But then her school also decided to host a Halloween fest later in the afternoon, and we thought it would be good for community building (and for Kaia) if we went to both. It seemed like a lot for us, and highly unusual given our usual Saturdays, but we do things to make our child happy, right? The birthday party would be at a large kids indoor play space from 11:30-2:30; the school’s Halloween fest would be held just blocks away from us from 3-5pm. Time was tight. And I told Chris that I was always envious of other friends with kids and how they attended preschools and schools with a strong sense of community/friendship. I wanted that, too. So now that I have it, I should take advantage of it by going to most of these events that I am here for, right?

“Well, there goes my Saturday,” Chris grumbled as Friday approached and he knew we would be forgoing our usual Saturday food crawl.

He doesn’t really mean to grumble, though. Chris enjoys socializing, and we have a pretty decent group of parents in our kindergarten class. We’re still getting to know everyone and their personalities. We’re also still discovering who we get along better with than others.

I would say that almost two months into being at this school and interacting with the parents in our class I have met, I have definitely identified people I jive with more than others. There are the people who are very thoughtful and insightful; some seem to have views and perspectives that mirror ours; some are more analytical (and anal) than others; some show they are always thinking about how others perceive them; some are trying to get into higher level parents association positions at the school; some are trying to do everything within their power to increase the school’s enrollment; one is definitely a complainer all around. So far, it’s a good mix of parents and it feels comfortable.

In the meantime, Kaia seems to be identifying friends who are her favorites or “best friends,” though, and sometimes, they change by the day. It sounds like a typical girl thing of this age range. Chris got her this book from a used book store last week called The Invisible Boy, and with its theme, we’re trying to teach her to try to be friends and play with everyone. You never know who you might get along with unless you branch out. (Adults are a different story, but hey, she’s not even five yet!).

Chicken and lentil soup, majorly improvised from NYT Cooking

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Because we have The New York Times app, we also have access to their cooking app. I don’t actually make the recipes from here that frequently, but I do browse it a decent amount and bookmark recipes for inspiration. I had recently bookmarked lots of soup recipes (it’s soup season, remember?), including one for red lentil and chicken soup. As soon as I read through the recipe, though, I knew I would need to improvise a lot from the original: the soup uses no stock at all, just water. It also has one spice other than pepper: turmeric. If you cook with spices at all, you know that turmeric is never used for its flavor, but rather its color and health properties. If you want to “flavor” something with just turmeric, you are basically saying you want to taste dirt, which to me, is not that tasty (to each their own, though…). I like the idea of using lentils and chicken together in an autumn soup, so I used the base and immediately started doctoring it: I used my chicken/duck stock. I added coriander, cumin, paprika, and my self-blended Madras curry powder for additional flavor. I also added spinach at the end, along with a generous sprinkle of minced cilantro for freshness. I also like it with a squirt of lemon when I’m too lazy to add the lemony yogurt to the top. It really hit the spot… after all the changes I made. If I made it as is, I definitely would not be giving it the 5-star rating it currently has! And if you read the recipe comments, you’ll see many people make the same changes I did… but likely still gave the recipe five stars! They are far more generous than I am. I would never give a recipe five stars unless I followed it to the T and found it absolutely perfect!

Another homework meltdown

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I know for a fact that when I was kindergarten, I did not have any homework. Homework did not start until first grade for me in my San Francisco public school. I had a bit of a head start with learning since my mom was diligent enough to force me to practice writing and reciting numbers and all letters of the alphabet, both lower and upper case, before I entered kindergarten. Discipline was taught to me pretty early, and when I wasn’t behaving, I was whacked (as were most kids of our generation by our immigrant parents). A common complaint of kids of Kaia’s generation is that they do not have enough self discipline. Every single action is monitored and manned. They have a high level of ADHC diagnoses because their parents cannot handle parenting and succumb to simply drugging their kids up, likely with medication that is not even needed. It’s not an individual parent problem, but rather a generational problem: every generation has its challenges that it needs to attempt to solve.

Although I did not have the self discipline or patience to do what my mom did and try to get Kaia to know how to write all her English letters and numbers before kindergarten, I am very much a fan of homework at this age, if just in shorter bursts. I like that her school starts homework at this age; other people will not agree with me, but the reason I like this is that it instills discipline young. It forces parents to carve out the time in the day to dedicate to learning and reinforcing learning in the classroom. At the end of the day as sucky as it sounds, it’s really a test of the parents and how much patience they can have when enforcing that homework is not optional; it must be done, and done by a certain date for teachers to review.

I was chatting with my friend over tea about this last week. She asked me if homework was really necessary at this age. She said it seemed excessive, that when she was in kindergarten 35 years ago, she didn’t have homework (and she’s just fine now!). I don’t think that using us as the example is necessarily the right thing since every generation and its standards for everything will be different. Yes, I also didn’t have homework in kindergarten, but just because I had that experience, does that necessarily mean I do not want my child to have homework in K? If discipline is an all around issue for kids of this generation, we should probably be doing more to instill it at a younger age. It needs to become a habit, one they understand that is repeatable.

So even though once again, Kaia had a meltdown after lunch today and refused to do a second page of Chinese character writing, I insisted she had to finish the second page. We took many breaks. She ran away screaming and crying from the table multiple times, yelling in Chinese that she doesn’t like homework. But I told her: in life, she’s going to have to do lots and lots of things that she doesn’t like, but they are very necessary for her life and well being. She won’t get that now, but this needs to be reinforced… forever, muah hahaha!

Okay, that sounded a little mean to laugh. But I do mean that. We need to repeat to her that there are endless things she will need to do in her life that she does not like. I hate doing half the things I do in a day, but I know they are beneficial to me, and I’m almost 36 years older than her!