Category Archives: Motherhood

The “dine around” exchange program and the unexpected brand-new swimsuit

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While in Barbados, we’re staying at a south coast all-inclusive resort, which is part of Marriott and their Tribute Portfolio collection of hotels. While in flight to Barbados, Chris looked up additional benefits and perks of staying here, and he found out that we could get access to what is called the “Dine Around” Exchange Program. This means that guests can utilize the “dine around” option at other participating Marriott resorts on the island. So this would not only give us (free/included) access to other properties and their food/drink/amentiies, but also give us an opportunity to enjoy a different part of Barbados. So we chose a hotel to visit today that was on the east coast, which is supposed to have calmer, more child-friendly beaches.

While we had to pay for our transport to get to the second hotel, all our food and drink would be included at this property, so the Uber would be the only real extra expense of the day. And it was really nice to see another part of the coast and see how a sister property was laid out. Of course, Kaia was thrilled to know she was having a full pool/beach day. She went back and forth between the white sand beach with calm, crystal-clear waters back into the east coast hotel’s pools, which were better situated than our hotel’s given that they directly overlooked the beach the way they did at our Roatan hotel last month. We ended up befriending a couple from Edison, New Jersey, and their daughter, who was born 11 months before Kaia. So they played together as we all had our own separate adult conversations.

One funny thing that ended up happening was that while we were on the beach with G and her mom, Kaia suddenly started scratching her crotch area and tried to take off her rashie/swimsuit. I asked her what was wrong, and she said the swimsuit was hurting her leg. G’s mom was so thoughtful that she eagerly offered to give Kaia one of G’s own brand-new swimsuits given she said she overpacked and probably wouldn’t need all the swimsuits anyway. She went a short distance back to their room and brought out a really cute turquoise and white one-piece swimsuit with a big bow on it — so new that it still had its tags on. Kaia happily took off her rashie, put on G’s swimsuit, and went back to splashing.

When it was time for all of us to go, I dried the swimsuit off as much as I could and tried to hand it back to G’s mom, and she insisted that we keep it because they didn’t need it due to having too many swimsuits for G, and they would be leaving in a couple days anyway. I was floored and just in shock.

“You have so much more of your trip to go, so it can’t hurt to have an extra swimsuit for her,” G’s mom insisted to me. “It’s really nothing! I got it from Target!! It’s not like I gave you a Burberry swimsuit or anything…”

I told her it wasn’t about the cost; in most cases of generosity, money has little to do with it. In these and in so many cases I’ve experienced with Kaia, it’s truly about the gesture itself, the selflessness to offer a swimsuit to a child you do not even know when you can see she’s uncomfortable and you know you have an extra one… and then to just let them keep it! We were total strangers who met just hours before, and she was giving one of her daughter’s brand new swimsuits away — who cares that it’s from Target! To be honest, I am not totally sure that if I were in her shoes that I would have done the same thing. And so when I think about cases like this, it just makes me realize how truly kind other people really can be. Being a mama to my Kaia Pookie opens my eyes to that fact every single day.

Kaia’s last day of Pre-K and the red envelope handout

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Here in the U.S., where teachers are generally under appreciated and underpaid, especially if they are in the public system, it’s kind of semi-expected and customary to give teachers gifts, whether that is around the December holiday period, Teacher Appreciation Week, or at the end of a school year. Since this is Kaia’s last school year at this school, we thought it would be a good idea not just to give cards to her teachers and the admin, but also to the cook/cleaner, and to the doorman at her school building. They all play a part in helping the school run and thrive, and so we wanted to thank them for their support and kindness.

Given Kaia is 4.5 years old now, she knew what I was doing and that I was handing out envelopes to the teachers. And while she knew this, she didn’t mind that I was handing out the envelopes to the teachers. BUT, she insisted on handing Ah Gong, the doorman, his red envelope. So we went downstairs after signing in just to have her hand the envelope to him. Ah Gong was shocked and flattered. They gave each other high-fives, and Kaia was super excited.

Ah Gong remarked how cute, smart, and mature she was. It’s strange to think that after summer camp ends in August, we will no longer be seeing Ah Gong every day, even in just casual acquaintance. But I guess all these everyday people you have even the smallest interactions with do play some parts in your life, and their kindnesses will be remembered.

Kids’ birthday parties at playgrounds and the fun question I got when I arrived

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My neighbor friend let me know that her friend’s daughter was having her fifth birthday party at a local playground just half a block away today, so she suggested that I bring Kaia. I had met this friend and her daughter two months ago at my neighbor friend’s son’s birthday party, so I had previously met them. I told her I wasn’t sure we should come given it was a birthday party, and we didn’t know them that well and weren’t explicitly invited. But she insisted, saying it was a public playground and open to all, and she was sure her friend would be glad to welcome us. My friend said it would be a good last opportunity for both our kids, who adore each other, to play together this month before we go on our respective summer trips.

So just after 3pm today, I brought Kaia to the playground. We saw the picnic tables covered with endless food, snacks, drinks, and decorations. The area was streamed with banners, huge prints, and balloons. We came over to say hello to the mom, and we made some small talk. Her daughter, the five-year-old celebrating her birthday, also came over, and she had a very large frown on her face as she sized Kaia and me up.

The mom asked her to say hi to us as we wished her a happy birthday. The girl looked us up and down and then down and up, wrinkled her brow, and finally said, “So, you didn’t bring a present for me?”

Her mom scolded her, first in English then in Bulgarian. “D! That is so rude,” her mom admonished her. “You aren’t supposed to say things like that! Be nice!”

“You came without a present,” D rephrased herself while continuing to frown at us. It was as though she wanted to stare holes into our faces.

I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? It’s true that we came without a gift, but frankly, we don’t really know this kid or her mom. And to my neighbor friend’s point, this is a public playground and anyone is welcome to come to the freaking playground regardless of whether a birthday party is being held in the corner of it! But this was also a reminder to me that once kids hit the age of 5-6, this is generally when they become more bitchy, bossy, demanding, and flat out openly rude… and unlike in earlier years, at this age, they know they are being rude. This is really when parental discipline becomes extremely crucial.

The kid never apologized even after getting scolded at in two languages. To be blunt about it, she sounds like a total brat, and not a kid I’d want Kaia to spend any time around. My neighbor friend warned me about her and said she thinks this girl is a bad influence on her own son, so I never had my hopes up about this child.

I told Chris that this happened, and he responded, “If Hoji said that, there would be no more birthday parties for the next ten years.”

Supporting friends through the adoption process

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About a year and a half ago, I met a friend, who I like to say I met because of Kaia. We were at a food event in an independent food producer’s backyard. Back then, Kaia was just over 2.5 years old. Of course, she was running amok all over the backyard, trying to pull leaves and flowers off plants while also garnering attention from any person who would look her way. And Kaia kept running to this one particular table where this now-friend and her husband were sitting. This person was so warm, loving, and affectionate with her, and she was also quite friendly and personable when I came over to get Kaia. So, I thought it would be a good idea to exchange numbers with her and see if she might be potential friend material. So we started meeting up for coffee and lunch dates. She and her husband came to my 40th birthday party and Lunar New Year Party this year. And now, I’ve spent the last week gathering clothes, blankets, crib sheets, books, and toys that Kaia has outgrown to pass on to her as they adopt a 2-year-old girl into their family. Given the timing, I also cleaned Kaia’s high chair, which she started refusing to sit in this past February, and wiped down the Babi-Deal stroller Chris got last August to also hand down to them. So, that was a good four bags worth of baby/toddler stuff, plus some random things I almost forgot about but thought would also be helpful, like a cleaned snot sucker (yes, really!), handkerchiefs, and practice toddler chopsticks. They came over tonight to pick up all these items and to hang out for a while on our roof. And of course, Kaia lapped it up and put them to work for her own enjoyment!

The second time I met with this friend one on one, she told me about her long and painful fertility journey, how she went through four egg retrievals, two surgeries, multiple miscarriages, and endless doctor appointments. And finally one day she looked at her husband and said she didn’t want her life to revolve around IVF anymore, that she wanted her body and life back. And so that’s when they started seriously looking into adoption, and now here they are, about to welcome this little girl into their life. Her whole journey brings me to tears, but it makes me happy because while all our journeys to parenthood look very different, this feels like a happy ending — or rather, a happy beginning of yet another journey.

Kaia has been so cute and sweet in all this. We told her that these friends would be bringing a baby home soon, so she started proactively gathering books and clothes that she doesn’t want or need anymore and setting them aside for Baby B. Although Kaia will never have a sibling, I can already see that she is extremely loving, giving, caring, and willing to share, and that warms my heart even more.

Kaia’s Pre-K Graduation today

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Being a parent has a lot of ups and downs. The night time wakings, the blowout diapers, the seemingly endless sicknesses, the whining, the tantrums, the days when you’re running on fumes because of lack of sleep — I don’t think anyone gets excited about that or looks back on any of those things wistfully. But the cuddles, kisses, moments of true understanding and growth — those are the things all parents relish and look back on and think, “What — where did time go?!”

As the days led up to Kaia’s Pre-K graduation today, I couldn’t help but constantly scroll through my phone’s camera roll and our Google Photos when I had five or ten minutes here or there, whether it was on the subway commuting or while waiting for people to join work calls. I have such fond, happy memories of being pregnant with her — feeling my growing tummy/uterus, feeling her middle-of-the-night somersaults in the uterus, feeling her constantly kicking and squirming around, especially after eating or exercising. And then when she was born, my entire life changed. It was like I finally learned what a different level of love and nurture was. And since then, I have never looked at life quite the same way ever again. This little blob, who is no longer a little blob but a kindergarten bound girl, changed my entire life and perspectives. Suddenly, nothing mattered as much as her health, well being, and happiness. And each day, she forces me to live more in the moment, to listen to and notice all the little things. And with her, life is just so much better and richer. To this day, sometimes I still cannot believe I got so lucky with this sweet, sweet child — in more ways than ten.

Kaia’s preschool graduation was supposed to start at 5:30 today, but due to technical difficulties, we probably didn’t get admitted until around 6. This was very late for a bunch of 4- and 5-year-olds, all of whom were having later dinner (and inevitably a much later bedtime). But somehow, Kaia held it all together. She performed two dances, one to an English song and one to one of her favorite Chinese songs 有你就幸福 (Blessed to Have You/Having You is a Blessing). And she sang so happily and proudly, especially the Chinese song, funnily enough. I was so proud that my heart was nearly bursting. And then when the school showcased the big school-wide skit that they’ve been working on for months, I couldn’t help but tear up. My little baby is growing up — so so fast, almost too fast.

After summer camp in July-August, she’ll be off to kindergarten at her new school in September. All I can say is that I’m trying hard to soak all of her up… because every single day of her life, I’m preparing for her to eventually leave me. Kaia even said to me a couple days ago while discussing her going to kindergarten and then getting a year and two and three older, “Mama, when I am big, you won’t have a baby anymore!”

But no matter what, as I say to her, Kaia Pookie will always be my baby — mama’s sweet baby.

Being in a real clothing store again – the madness and the new technology!

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I have never enjoyed the process of shopping for clothes — looking, trying on clothes, and well, no one likes paying for clothes. 😀 So when I stopped having friends drag me out on mall or shopping trips, the only way I was going to willingly buy clothing was online. And yes, that was a dream, especially in cases where the stores had either free returns or in-store return policies for clothing bought online. I could buy the clothes online, try them on at home to check for fit and whether they looked right on me, and if they didn’t work out, either drop them in the mail back or return them to a store nearby. The vast majority of all clothing I’ve purchased in the last 16+ years has been online, and I do not miss the in-store shopping process at all. The only times I’ve enjoyed it just a little are when I am traveling internationally and see more unique items, like at one or two shops I like in Australia, or when I’m looking at clothing for Kaia (because baby/toddler girl clothing is always fun to look at).

So in the last couple days, I’ve been seeing some potential summer pieces at Zara online, but their entire online shopping experience… kind of sucks. I was thinking that I probably should stop being so lazy with dressing (this all stems from being 100 percent remote with work) and actually buy clothing I want to wear that looks good and fits well… instead of always wearing all my AFSP volunteer shirts and other things I don’t care much about just for comfort. Especially now that I am probably going to get more involved in Kaia’s elementary school, I should dress up a bit more and try a little.

Zara is good in that they have this nifty option to check for in-store availability closest to you (and so far, it looks pretty accurate), so I found out that two pieces I liked were at their Bryant Park location. So I used that as an excuse to get some extra steps in and walk there before picking up Kaia in Chinatown. I walked in and was immediately reminded of why I hate in-store shopping: the store, despite it being about 4:15pm on a Wednesday, was mobbed. People were speed walking and even running across the store to grab pieces. It felt like a competitive sport being in there! People were rushing to grab items before anyone else claimed them. It was a little insane. Employees were restocking and being bombarded with questions (and some even had lines for people with inquiries). And I just felt a little dizzy navigating all of this and trying to figure out where these two specific items were. I eventually asked an employee, who was super friendly and able to get someone to fetch me the item from their stock room since neither of us saw one of the pieces on the floor (this was very efficient!). I tried one piece on (on the floor out in the open, and not in the fitting room because the line was 20+ people long!); luckily it didn’t require me to undress. And when I went to buy the shirt in the payment area, I simply dropped the item into a bin, which immediately scanned the item for what it was, the size, and the price. I paid by Apple Pay by tapping, was texted the receipt, and that was it! It was just like the buying process at Uniqlo — the only other shop at which I’ve bought in store in the last few years. The “cashier” line was nonexistent, as it’s all self pay with an attendant checking in occasionally.

This is the reality of in-store shopping now that I’m just ignorant to since I rarely shop in person — things are more automated and efficient. There’s less in-person support for payment. The “lining up” doesn’t happen as much anymore. But it also feels more “competitive” to be in store with getting the items you want in the size you need and as quickly as you need them. That’s too tiring for me! The ease of online shopping is just so, so much easier.

When Pookie stopped needing a middle-of-the-night pee

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When we decided to stop putting Kaia in an overnight pull-up, we knew she’d need to be woken up for a pee in the middle of the night because she pees a lot. I guess she is like her mother in that way: she’s always drinking lots of liquids, and as we all know: what goes in must come out! We originally started her overnight pee wakeup at around 11-12 because she’d end up wetting her bed at around midnight if we didn’t do this. Gradually, we started pushing it back to 12, 1, 2, and then 2:45, just as the Oh Crap! Potty Training method suggested in the famous potty training book. But something miraculously happened last week: Kaia actually went the entire night without needing to pee or wetting the bed until 5am. It was Chris’s night to wake her up to pee, and he had forgotten to set his alarm. He woke up early in the morning to check on her and found out she was still sleeping and still dry. So he took her to pee at 5am when he woke up. So the next few nights, the same thing happened, and she woke herself up to pee, or she went through the whole night without needing to pee. She woke up between 6-7am, and she was dry. And it’s been this way for the last week!

A while ago, I told Pookster that if she stayed dry all night, and/or woke herself up to pee in the middle of the night, that I’d finally get her wish of nail polish. I really wanted to put off nail polish for as long as possible, but she kept asking, and I figured this would be a good incentive she’s been asking about for almost two years now that I’ve rejected. So we got really excited and told her we were so proud of her, and she’s just this close to getting her much coveted child-friendly nail polish. But Chris wanted to add another step: she can get the nail polish when she not only stays dry all night and pees as soon as she wakes up, but also when she can fully wipe herself and wash her hands — all on her own. Kaia was not thrilled to her about this and of course threw a mini tantrum, but alas, life has its ways of putting more hurdles in front of you!

It seems like ages since we started doing middle-of-the-night wake-ups to have her go pee, and now it is all coming to an end before I even realized it. While you think I’d be thrilled about this, it still feels bittersweet. Every day, my sweet Kaia Pookie is getting more mature, bigger and bigger, and closer to eventually not needing me.

Call from school, and an unexpected urgent trip to the doctor’s office

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It was mid-afternoon today. I was in the middle of writing a long Slack message to someone to prep them for a customer meeting. And suddenly, I saw my phone ringing, and it was Kaia’s school’s number. So I answered it, and school administrator let me know that Kaia’s right eye was red and swollen, and she could barely open it and said it was hurting. I asked if she had gotten bitten by a bug at the playground, and the teacher said it was a possibility, but she strongly suggested I come pick her up as soon as possible and take her to Urgent Care because she was concerned. I told her I’d try to shift some things in my schedule to do an earlier pickup and would call her back. During that time, I did a quick inquiry with ChatGPT about the symptoms the admin shared, and this is the response it gave me:

“Given that she can barely open one eye and it’s red and swollen, she should be seen today, urgently—call her pediatrician’s urgent line now or go to urgent care/ER, especially if you cannot be seen quickly.

Possible causes include a bug bite/allergic reaction, a stye, irritation, or conjunctivitis, but the concerning possibility is periorbital cellulitis—a bacterial infection of the eyelid/skin around the eye. A rarer but more serious form, orbital cellulitis, involves deeper tissues and is an emergency. Children can have unilateral eyelid swelling/redness from these infections, and it can sometimes follow a small scratch, bug bite, or recent sinus/cold symptoms—even if those symptoms are not obvious. 

Go to the ER now if she has any of these: fever, eye pain, pain with eye movement, trouble moving the eye, vision changes, double vision, the eye bulging forward, severe headache, vomiting, unusual sleepiness, or she looks very unwell. These are red flags for orbital cellulitis, which needs urgent evaluation.”

So, as you can imagine, my eyes stay on “periorbital celluitis.” And I’m thinking, it can be that serious – are you for real? At that point, the admin sent me a photo of Kaia’s right eye, which was closed, very red, and puffy. This did not look good that she couldn’t even open the eye. So I dialed her pediatrician’s office and spoke with the receptionist, explained the symptoms, and she asked if I could come at 4. It was about 3:40 at the time, so I said I’d have to go from the Upper West Side down to Chinatown to pick her up and bring her to the office, so I could probably make it just after 4:30 if I pushed it. They squeezed me in and said Kaia would be the last patient of the day.

Well, when I went for early pickup, Kaia was already able to open her right eye. The swelling and redness had died down considerably, and her mood seemed to be more chipper. I told her we were going to the doctor’s office, so she got excited that we’d be taking the (new) B train to a stop we normally don’t get off at – West 72nd Street! She eagerly counted all the stops and then yelled when it was time to get off. Just based on her mood, I had a strong feeling this was a false alarm.

The doctor finally saw her and after examining and checking a few things, she said she’s concluded that Kaia may be having seasonal allergies. It didn’t seem like anything serious, so she gave me some children’s Zyrtec, gave me instructions in case the puffiness/redness came back, or if she wakes up with a red eye ball tomorrow morning. The doctor proactively wrote and filled a prescription for the eye drops in case her eye was red tomorrow, and she sent us on our merry way.

By the time we left, it was as though Kaia had nothing. That was lucky, as it easily could have been a lot worse. But I still felt better we had her checked with the doctor to be in the clear.

Chats with AI are great, but man, can they stir up the worst of the worst possibilities.

I love my child, but I do not necessarily love all children

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I have never been one of those people who have said that “all children are beautiful/cute,” or that I love kids. The truth is that I actually do not love kids at all, and that’s probably a huge reason that even when I was a kid myself, I never even for a minute considered being a school teacher (even though it’s fed to you as a [female] child that being a teacher is cool!). I know myself, and I know that I just don’t have the patience it takes to deal with kids and their tantrums, their constant irritating questions, their outbursts, and even things like peeing or pooping in their pants, even if it’s by accident. It’s obviously different when it’s your own child/children, but with other people’s kids… I could never even imagine proactively babysitting another friend’s child unless they were a baby who couldn’t speak.

Despite this fact, I always knew I wanted to have kids. I always wanted to raise my own child and know what that entire experience was like. I wanted to have a family of my own to nurture — I do think that I’m a nurturing, loving person by nature; I love taking care of others. So, now that I have one child of my own, I love her more than I ever thought possible. But that doesn’t necessarily change my original state of being, which is that while I may love my own child (you’d hope so!), I don’t necessarily love other people’s kids, even if they are the kids of my own extended family and friends. Some of my friends’ kids are extremely bratty and entitled. Others, even for their respective ages, are extremely immature and socially awkward and have made it pretty clear that no matter how sweet I am to them, they just will not give me any love at all, even if it’s a simple-high five. One of them has refused, for her entire existence, to ever give me a hug or kiss; in fact, she refuses even to wave hi or bye to me to acknowledge me! And then today, while out with a neighbor friend and her son, who is just a few months younger than Kaia, I was really at my wit’s end at times trying to control this kid and his tendencies.

First, this little friend kept trying to run into the street (and he actually did when there were cars coming and the light was red). This drove his mom crazy, as she’d obviously worry for his safety. I had to grab him a few times before he actually got into the middle of the street. Then, when I took out our Bluey bubble machine, he randomly started sticking it in strangers’ faces to blow bubbles just a foot or two away from their noses — this was not good at all. Then, he kept insisting on running into people on purpose while walking simply because he thought it was funny. And there was a good stretch of time when any time I tried to open my mouth to say anything, he’d talk over me and say that ‘Kaia’s mom isn’t listening to me.” I kept pretty calm overall, but I did have to shut down the bubbles in people’s faces, plus the “running into the street when cars were coming” situation a number of times.

Everything finally came to a head when we were just a block away from our building, and the little friend decides to try to run into the street yet again during a red light. This time, his mom finally lost all her patience and screamed at him while simultaneously pulling him back onto the sidewalk. Predictably, he started sobbing, and she had to carry him across the street and sit him down for a good talk. I mean… he kind of deserved it after being warned literally all day long?

In these moments, I always think about early childhood educators, and it’s really hard for me to comprehend having to deal with other people’s young children all day long. Their job is so, so tough. And it’s a very unappreciated job. These little kids are growing into their own selves, they are discovering their emotions and what their bodies and minds are capable of, and they are… simply growing. And that’s a lot to deal with, especially when there’s an entire classroom full of these bursting little personalities. I have moments with Kaia when she’s screaming and sobbing into my ear so loudly that I can barely hear my own thoughts, all over something innocuous when I wonder how anyone could ever willingly decide to deal with this more than once.

Amen to early childhood educators. I just don’t have the patience to deal with most other people’s children.

Preschooler observations and negotiations

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Chris has noted a few times that he loves negotiating with Kaia. Kaia will rarely accept one option; she needs to have multiple to choose from at all times. So sometimes, we have to throw in some “options” for fun.

Some recent examples include:

Kaia asked Chris for an iPad. He told her no, when you’re bigger, you can get one. I can’t remember the exact age, but he said something like, “When you’re 18, you can have one.” And she responded back and said, “No, no no! I will get one when I am 31,” to which Chris was super positive about! And then she told me later, “Daddy can buy me an iPad when I’m 31!” And I looked at her and said, “Yes, babe! That will definitely be possible!”

And onto another topic: I have a pretty quick makeup routine on days I wear makeup. During our Honduras trip, she always liked to watch me put in my daily contacts (which I wore for three days) and then my makeup. She asked me at what age she could also wear contacts, and I responded and said in an ideal world, I hope she never, ever had to wear contacts. She didn’t quite understand this, so I relented and said she could wear them at 18 if she needed to. She seemed okay with this.

Then she asked, “Mama, can I wear makeup when I am 19?” I looked down at her and smiled. “Of course you can, Pookie! Nineteen would be perfect!!”

Kaia has also been very loving and caring, checking in with me daily on my “boo boos” from when I scratched my thigh and butt from the coral reef in Roatan. So she’s been asking to see them every day and also asks if she can help me put ointment or ice on them. I tell her that I put the ointment on myself each morning and evening, but she also insists on applying her bedtime ice pack (this is her thing) to my boo boos for a few seconds to “help” me heal. It’s very sweet, so even though I don’t need it, I humor her and let her do it. And then after she takes the ice pack away, she asks me while peering up with big, wide eyes, “Does it feel better now?” To which I always respond, “Yes, Pookie, it does. Thank you for helping mama!”

A lot is tough about this age and every age of child-rearing, but I do love these cute, sweet moments so much.