Category Archives: Change

Sharing memories

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To date for this year, I have raised $7,382 for AFSP in honor of Ed. I have a couple of pending corporate matches, but I have fundraised more than I thought I would given the slow start I had. After the walk, my friends shared videos they took of my speech during the opening ceremony, and for some close family and friends, I shared the video with them while thanking them for donating.

One of my college friends watched my speech, and she commented on the part in the beginning when I mentioned that Ed would always lavish generous gifts upon me. My friend said she used to remember when we were in college, and the rare packages I would get would always be from Ed. I completely forgot he had anything delivered to my dorm, but once she shared this, I started remembering. I remember he was skeptical of the bedsheets and bedding my parents bought me in a rush when I moved into my dorm during my first year. So he found a free shipping code at Macy’s while working there to send a bunch of proper bedding and pillows to me that were to his standard. Given he worked in the domestics department at Macy’s then (for regular people, that means bedding!), he wanted to make sure I was comfortable and slept well while studying. Over the phone, he muttered that “our parents won’t understand that.”

I always enjoy hearing memories that others have of my brother, even when they include me, because they are not always things I remember. Or they are things I of course knew, but with the passage of time, I have just forgotten and haven’t thought much about. I also obviously wasn’t part of every part of his life, so I also appreciated when his church friends shared memories of Ed with me at his funeral, in cards and letters after, and also at his funeral meal. That really meant a lot to me; they probably don’t think it meant anything, but it painted a wider picture of my brother for me than I ever knew when he was alive.

Shared memories, as they say, are like the “colors of my life.”

Kaia’s first ring pop… and real lollipop experience

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After Kaia finished a bunch of English and 75 percent of this week’s Chinese homework today, I told her that as a reward, she could pick one piece of candy from yesterday’s trick-or-treating stash and eat it. Of course, she chose one of the two ring pops she got — this time, the “blue raspberry” one. She licked and sucked it and giggled and shrieked throughout. And as I watched her greatly enjoy this massive sticky ring on her finger, it dawned on me that this was her first real lollipop experience; she’s never had one before. She’s watched many other kids have them, but she herself has never enjoyed one. I showed her a mirror so she could see how blue her lips and tongue were turning from the blue ring pop, and of course, it completely delighted her. Kaia knows that we don’t allow candy, so this truly is a very special, very rare “treat” for her. She savored it until the very, very last lick. It was really cute for me to watch her enjoy and savor every bit of that teeth-rotting thing.

It’s funny to think about how permissive my parents were about my sugar consumption when I was the same age. I got to eat plenty of candy, chocolate, and ice cream all the time; I suppose my grandma didn’t help because she also had a sweet tooth, and she’d let Ed and me eat whatever she was eating. Then, she’d indulge us further by buying us candy at the corner stores nearby. We especially loved “sour power,” or the sugar-coated sour belts; even thinking and writing about them now still makes my mouth water a bit. My parents never brushed my teeth except with water until the age of 5 because I was so fussy with the toothpaste, so my mom just gave up (I think it’s a safe bet to say that my dad never attempted to brush my teeth… ever). Then I ended up with three cavities at my first dental visit at 5 years of age — what a surprise! So when I tell my mom that Kaia doesn’t get candy or almost any sweets unless it’s a shared dessert, she thinks I am being far too strict.

Well, times have changed. We need to protect our child’s teeth and physical health for long term benefits. We know a bit more now about the dangers of overconsumption of sugar versus back then. And so, it actually makes me feel quite proud to see how Kaia self polices herself with sweets, and how she knows what foods we approve (and don’t approve) of. I hope she keeps this up.

What Halloween and trick-or-treating means is very different depending on where you live

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Halloween means different things to different people across the U.S. (and world). I have some colleagues whose streets completely shut down in the suburbs for neighbor-sponsored parties of bouncy castles, haunted houses, games, food, and drink. Friends in San Francisco go house to house trick or treating, with some of their neighbors even redoing their garages for a mini-haunted house experience. Some go to adult-only Halloween parties where everyone dresses up. Others go to different neighborhoods to see what kinds of candy and fun will be available to them. Until I moved to New York, I had no idea that high-rise, doorman buildings like ours did their own version of trick or treating: they would have participating residents sign up for their unit and time slot they’d welcome trick-or-treaters, Some buildings even do their own lavish decorations in their entrances and lobbies as I’ve seen a few times this year.

In the last two years, we took Kaia trick or treating just in our building. Two years ago, she didn’t quite understand what she was doing, but went along with it. Last year, she understood she was getting candy every time we knocked on a door and she said “trick or treat!” This year, when I said we’d go trick or treating on W 69th Street between Columbus and Central Park West, she didn’t quite understand what this meant. When we started leaving our building at around 4, she got confused and said to me, “Mama, I thought we were going trick or treating?”

“We are going, Pooks!’ I exclaimed to her. “We’re going outside, to 69th Street, to trick or treat there! And then maybe we can see some of your friends, too!”

I chuckled. It dawned on me in that moment that to date, Kaia’s only concept of “trick or treating” was just in our many multi-unit building, going unit to unit, up and down the elevator. Her puzzled face transformed into a big grin when she said, “Aww, okay! I thought we trick or treat in our building?” I had to clarify for her that there are many, many ways to trick or treat, and in our building is just one of them! This was becoming a real adventure for Kaia Pookie, as she’d never before gone trick or treating outside the building!

She got so excited as we got to West 69th Street and saw all the decorated brownstones and businesses; the entire street was shut off to car traffic with cops all around. She loved going to front doors and saying “Trick or treat!”, with pretty much everyone passing out candy also elaborately dressed up. (She avoided the skeletons, though, and was not a fan of them!). Her favorite was this guy who had spray painted his entire naked body, from head to toe, bright green; he was wearing white shorts while passing out candy. She kept giggling afterwards. “He’s so funny!” she shrieked to me after as we ran along up and down W 69th Street.

I tried and failed to get in contact with some of her classmates’ parents; everyone seemed to be running behind, and Kaia was quickly getting tired. We waited at the end of the crowded block for at least 15 minutes before I had to call time and tell her it was time to go back to our building. She kept saying she was tired and wanted to go back… but she also said she wanted to trick or treat at our building. So we hit every unit, and she got excited every time someone opened a door for her to yell trick or treat. And just like last year, she was not super happy whenever someone laid out a bowl of candy instead of allowing her to ring their bell and see her. There is one exception to this, though: one neighbor left out a massive bowl of candy, with RING POPS! Kaia got so excited. I didn’t even realize she knew what those things were. She grabbed two and started giggling hysterically. “I GOT TWO RING POPS” she kept saying over and over to the next floor.

Halloween this year was quite fun for all of us, though it wasn’t the group trick-or-treating I had envisioned with her new classmates. Maybe next year we can be more organized. But either way, the day ended well, with Kaia laying out all the candy she got from trick-or-treating on the rug and telling me which of them were her favorites. My sweet baby is growing up super fast… I cannot believe this is already her third time trick or treating!

AFSP New York City Out of the Darkness Walk at Pier 16/17: “Why I walk”

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Today was the day of the AFSP New York City Out of the Darkness Walk. This is my 13th walk, and my 12th in Manhattan. It was likely one of the largest turnouts for the walk I’ve seen in years, which was great to witness. Three friends came to support me for the walk; two of them even recorded most or all of my speech, which I was grateful for. It’s also my second year serving on the walk planning committee. As part of my role on the committee and given I have been the longest involved fundraiser/walker for this walk, I was asked to give a brief speech during the opening ceremony about why I walk. So, I wrote this speech below and delivered it this morning. I think overall it went well. Chris held up Kaia in his arms so that she could watch me speak. Chris thinks that Kaia would rate it a 3/5 stars, though, because she started squirming in his arms after less than halfway through…

Good morning, everyone. My name is Yvonne Wong. This is my 12th New York City Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

Every year, I walk for my big brother, Ed. Ed was one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever known. I always remember how he used to shower me with gifts for my birthday and sometimes would even get me a “welcome home” cake when I’d come back to San Francisco. 

I lost Ed to suicide in July 2013, after a long struggle with depression and anxiety. I was living here in New York City. He was in San Francisco, 3,000 miles away. I often felt helpless, and I didn’t know where to turn for support.

When I lost him, I was overwhelmed by guilt, anger, and grief. I couldn’t understand why he had to die. I struggled to understand why his suffering hadn’t been taken more seriously.

In searching for answers, I found AFSP. Here was a place where people spoke openly about suicide and called it what it is, suicide, where there was room for my grief, my anger, and my questions. Through AFSP, I found people who understood, and a community I could turn to.

I also found a way to keep honoring Ed. I began sharing his story through fundraising and community events. And year after year, I kept telling it.

Then, something I did not expect started to happen. People started reaching out: friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even complete strangers. They shared their own experiences of loss and struggle. And many told me I was the very first person they had ever opened up to.

That… has stayed with me. By telling Ed’s story, I was helping make room for other people to tell theirs; I was creating a safe space for them. What began as a way to honor my brother became a way to connect with people whose pain I might otherwise never have known about. And in those connections, I found some healing of my own.

Today, I’m proud to serve on the New York City Walk Planning Committee as a volunteer and fundraiser. This community has given me a way to keep showing up for Ed… and for other people who need understanding, support, and hope.

I can’t bring my brother back. But I can keep saying his name. I can keep listening when someone is ready to talk. And I can keep working toward a future where fewer families experience this kind of loss. 

That is why I walk. I walk for Ed. I walk for the people who have trusted me with their stories. And I walk for anyone who is still carrying their grief or their struggle alone… so they can find what I found here: understanding, connection, and hope.

If that’s you, I’m so glad you’re here. You belong here. And you don’t have to walk alone. Thank you for walking with me.

Back to back kids events in a single day

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We were invited to a joint birthday party of Kaia’s classmates today, so we knew we would take her. But then her school also decided to host a Halloween fest later in the afternoon, and we thought it would be good for community building (and for Kaia) if we went to both. It seemed like a lot for us, and highly unusual given our usual Saturdays, but we do things to make our child happy, right? The birthday party would be at a large kids indoor play space from 11:30-2:30; the school’s Halloween fest would be held just blocks away from us from 3-5pm. Time was tight. And I told Chris that I was always envious of other friends with kids and how they attended preschools and schools with a strong sense of community/friendship. I wanted that, too. So now that I have it, I should take advantage of it by going to most of these events that I am here for, right?

“Well, there goes my Saturday,” Chris grumbled as Friday approached and he knew we would be forgoing our usual Saturday food crawl.

He doesn’t really mean to grumble, though. Chris enjoys socializing, and we have a pretty decent group of parents in our kindergarten class. We’re still getting to know everyone and their personalities. We’re also still discovering who we get along better with than others.

I would say that almost two months into being at this school and interacting with the parents in our class I have met, I have definitely identified people I jive with more than others. There are the people who are very thoughtful and insightful; some seem to have views and perspectives that mirror ours; some are more analytical (and anal) than others; some show they are always thinking about how others perceive them; some are trying to get into higher level parents association positions at the school; some are trying to do everything within their power to increase the school’s enrollment; one is definitely a complainer all around. So far, it’s a good mix of parents and it feels comfortable.

In the meantime, Kaia seems to be identifying friends who are her favorites or “best friends,” though, and sometimes, they change by the day. It sounds like a typical girl thing of this age range. Chris got her this book from a used book store last week called The Invisible Boy, and with its theme, we’re trying to teach her to try to be friends and play with everyone. You never know who you might get along with unless you branch out. (Adults are a different story, but hey, she’s not even five yet!).

Friday afternoon in Chinatown

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Now that Kaia is no longer going to school down in Manhattan Chinatown, I also no longer have an excuse to be down there every day. I can no longer make a last minute decision to make an authentic Chinese, Vietnamese, or Thai dish because my access to the right ingredients is limited where we are; I can’t just pick it up on a whim while in Chinatown. Now, it’s back to the days of pre-planning way ahead to think about things I may need and want to cook. Since my afternoon was pretty quiet today, I decided to go down there for some groceries and to pickup Friday dinner takeout.

I mostly purchased fresh produce, things I cannot get easily (or anywhere as cheaply) on the Upper West Side: king oyster mushrooms, oyster mushrooms, gai lan, Shanghai bok choy, fish tofu, firm tofu (a specific brand I prefer). I stopped by Banh by Lauren to tick off two more punches on my Kickstarter punch card and got some banh bo nuong slices. I went to my super under the radar Fuzhou Wei Zhong Wei for Fuzhou-style xiao long bao and fried dumplings. I waited in a short line that became super long at Kuih Cafe to pick up a made-to-order pandan mochi waffle, this time filled with handmade durian kaya (ugh, so delicious). I picked up a few baozi (cha siu and custard filled pineapple bao) since these are now no longer easily accessible for us. Chris requested Korean for dinner, so I ordered takeout from what is likely the only casual, reasonably priced Korean place in Chinatown. And on my way back onto the B/D train uptown, I picked up my HeyTea mobile app order for King Guava Jasmine milk tea. My arms were full of groceries and food brimming from my canvas bags, but I will say that the entire way up on the subway to the Upper West Side, I felt quite self-satisfied with my varied food haul. Next time, I will need to vary it up and get things I did not get this time around!

Chicken and lentil soup, majorly improvised from NYT Cooking

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Because we have The New York Times app, we also have access to their cooking app. I don’t actually make the recipes from here that frequently, but I do browse it a decent amount and bookmark recipes for inspiration. I had recently bookmarked lots of soup recipes (it’s soup season, remember?), including one for red lentil and chicken soup. As soon as I read through the recipe, though, I knew I would need to improvise a lot from the original: the soup uses no stock at all, just water. It also has one spice other than pepper: turmeric. If you cook with spices at all, you know that turmeric is never used for its flavor, but rather its color and health properties. If you want to “flavor” something with just turmeric, you are basically saying you want to taste dirt, which to me, is not that tasty (to each their own, though…). I like the idea of using lentils and chicken together in an autumn soup, so I used the base and immediately started doctoring it: I used my chicken/duck stock. I added coriander, cumin, paprika, and my self-blended Madras curry powder for additional flavor. I also added spinach at the end, along with a generous sprinkle of minced cilantro for freshness. I also like it with a squirt of lemon when I’m too lazy to add the lemony yogurt to the top. It really hit the spot… after all the changes I made. If I made it as is, I definitely would not be giving it the 5-star rating it currently has! And if you read the recipe comments, you’ll see many people make the same changes I did… but likely still gave the recipe five stars! They are far more generous than I am. I would never give a recipe five stars unless I followed it to the T and found it absolutely perfect!

Line up, line up!

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Kaia has really been immersed in Chinese since she started at her current school. Sometimes, she tells me what she’s learning and what things mean, even when I don’t ask. I never formally learned any Mandarin Chinese until college, so a lot of the seemingly basic, kindergarten-level things she’s learning are things I never learned myself. But because I did study it, I pick up a lot of these things simply based on context. For example, she kept saying that they often do work in small groups; she never explicitly said that. But she did say, “G and I are in B 组 (zǔ); but C and M are in A 组 (zǔ).” Based that, it’s clear to me that 组 (zǔ) means team or small group.

While observing the kids at soccer yesterday, I also saw a few of them line up and act silly. As they lined up when going up the stairs from the gym, they chanted, “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排. That is “Pái pái duì, pái pái duì, yīgè gēnzhe yīgè pái” or, “Line up, line up, one following right behind the other.” There is something really sweet and almost magical about a bunch of kindergarten kids, chanting the exact same words in perfect unison, all wearing the same uniform.

I wasn’t very pleased that her school had a dress code when we first learned about it; it’s essentially a school uniform, but the colors for top and bottom change by day of the week. But now that we’re over a month into it, I will admit that it does make life easier. I don’t have to fight with her in the morning regarding what she’s going to wear; she knows what day requires which colors. She sees all the other kids wearing the exact same thing, so there’s no reason to whine or have comparisons. Because all the kids are wearing the same thing, they all match, and she does enjoy matching. And well, I do admit that it is really adorable seeing all the kids matching and wearing the same thing every day: it does make school seem more formal and serious.

Plus, as they chant “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排,” it looks and sounds better to me when they are all in uniform! Plus yesterday, they were especially matching because three of them had the same single braid hairdo!

Observation days for after school enrichment

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Kaia is enrolled at the after school program at her school. In addition to general after school, which is supposed to have a mix of structured activities and homework help, parents also have the option of enrolling kids in specific enrichment programs. These can range from arts, robotics, and musical instrument learning, to sports like tennis or soccer. We enrolled Kaia in chess and soccer. Chess would be good to learn an important game and strategy (this is a game I’ve never actually learned to play!), and soccer would be good for her to learn a team sport. This week, the school has given parents the ability to watch the kids in action with “observation days.” We can show up during the last 15 minutes of the program to see the kids doing their given activity.

I was the first parent to show up at the observation for today’s soccer. About five other parents trickled in. And I’ll be honest: I wasn’t that happy about what I saw. I saw a single adult coach trying to manage over 20 kids of ages ranging from kindergarten to fifth grade. Half the kids were participating in some form and listening, while the other half were goofing off, doing their own silly things (Kaia included, unfortunately). I really think there should’ve been at least one other adult for authority and direction. Being a lone coach amongst this many kids varying in ages is too tough. For the entire 15 minutes I was there, I don’t think I saw Kaia kick the ball even once! Based on what I watched, I am not fully clear she even understands the idea behind soccer, that you need to kick a ball into a net, and on the flip side, you need to prevent the other team from getting the ball into your team’s net!

I think Kaia knew I wasn’t pleased even though I never said anything. On the scoot back home, she occasionally would stop and say, “Mama, I kicked the ball before you came!” That’s my sweet baby for you.

I never played organized sport other than during PE classes. While I found some sports more fun than others, I don’t think anyone would say that I was even remotely athletic. In middle and high school, I used to win competitions for running (sprinting) and for exercises like sit-ups, push-ups, and pull-ups (abs and arms of steal :). But that was really it for me. So if Kaia isn’t good at any sport, I am definitely not going to be that disappointed. But in the very least, I hope she understands the sports and tries to participate!

Cooking with my Costco and local Vermont goodies

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Every time we come back from a road trip, we always make a stop by Costco on our way back to take advantage of having a car. So of course, we come back with the car fully loaded, and I always tell Chris when we get back, “We’re rich!” It feels that way because when your fridge, freezer, and pantry are stocked to the point of nearly overflowing, it really does make you feel rich: you have plenty in a house of plenty in a land of plenty, and that feels very full. It also makes me grateful that we can actually afford to stock up on our staples, as I am very well aware that not everyone has the ability to do this.

In addition to the Costco stocking up we did, we also got way more consumable items in Vermont than I originally imagined: this includes a bottle of local whisky, a bottle of local bourbon, orange wine, chocolate raspberry wine from New Hampshire, and honey mead. The whisky and bourbon we tasted and purchased at the Burlington Farmers Market, the orange wine is from the Shelburne Farmers Market, and the last two bottles are from the fine food and drink marquee at the Stowe Foliage Arts Festival. In addition, we also got local organic chestnut and lion’s mane mushrooms and a Barn First Creamery brie-style goat cheese at the Burlington Farmers Market, a quart of Green’s Sugarhouse Very Dark maple syrup and maple balsamic vinaigrette, fancy marshmallows, and a couple chocolate bars from Adagio Chocolate shop in Middlebury. It was quite a local Vermont food haul! If it wasn’t already clear, I love Vermont!

Today, I spent a good amount of time cooking some of our new foods and ingredients. I seared and sautéed my lion’s mane and chestnut mushrooms; they browned beautifully and have a delicious, earthy, almost nutty flavor. They are almost even a little sweet! We sampled a little of these (Kaia loved the chestnut mushrooms the most!), but I’m planning to use most of them for toast with our Vermont goat cheese. I sautéed half a pound of spinach from Costco, roasted a pound of brussel sprouts (Costco!), made a maple balsamic roasted salmon with my new vinaigrette from Greens Sugarhouse. I also cooked my last bag of Rancho Gordo Blue Goose Field Peas and some brown rice. And on top of all that, I made my third batch of fresh, homemade soy milk! I always feel good when I’m cooking with new and fresh ingredients. This meal felt like fall to me! Now, all I needed to add was some butternut squash to the mix!