Morning neediness

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Each morning for the last couple of weeks since we’ve been stretching Kaia’s sleep, I’ve began the morning with my usual oatmeal and tea, and Chris will prop Kaia up in her Baby Bjorn chair. I will sit with her, talk to her, sing songs to her, makes faces to her, and “exercise” with her by moving around her arms and legs. I will do this all while connected to my pump for my daily morning power pump, when I’m essentially connected to my breast pump on and off for about an hour and fifteen minutes. She’s always been very alert during this time and very much seemed to absorb all the interactions, closely studying my facial expressions and movements. I’ve really enjoyed this time, especially since she is full, so she doesn’t usually need more food, and I can enjoy time with her while also simultaneously pumping milk for her. So it’s kind of like a two-in-one benefit time.

However, I’ve noticed that as she’s gotten older, she’s gotten a bit needier. Most of the time, she’s fine to babble to herself and wiggle around on her lounger on her own, but while in the chair during these mornings, the minute I leave to go double boil my chai, reheat my tea, or go to the bathroom, she will start yelling out or wailing. Sometimes, even when I break my eye contact with her and look down at my breasts to do breast compressions while pumping, she will even scream at me! I feel sad when she does this because I know she wants the interaction and attention, but at the same time… Mama has got to get shit done and cannot always be attentive with her every second!

Hot tub time

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Since the baby has been born, Chris has been insistent that we do little things to indulge ourselves and relax. One of those things is to make sure that our freezer always has ice cream in it. For him, it means going to the pool regularly to have his morning swim. He started this probably about the time when he went back to work. For me, it has meant occasionally making time to go up to our roof to enjoy the Jacuzzi, or going to the gym to do a 30 minute workout between nursing and pumping after my six-week postpartum checkup.

Today, I went up to the roof to enjoy a quick 15 minutes of the Jacuzzi. And, if I understand the way that hot tubs work, it is normal and expected to have the jets going. That means that there is plenty of water pressure for aching muscles and for relaxation. Having them on always feels good, especially given I have had achy muscles from gradually returning to the gym and working out. My hips have felt strange, and my core and thigh muscles are definitely feeling the transition into working out again. So you can imagine how surprised and weirded out I was when an older woman was in the Jacuzzi without the jets going, and I turned them on when I went in. The jets were going for about 10 minutes when she said to me that she wanted to turn them off for just about five minutes and then she would leave. She said that she just wanted to relax and that the jets were not relaxing.

I gave her a strange look and said it was fine  since I had to leave soon anyway, but in my mind, I was thinking: if you find the jets of a jacuzzi stressful, I really wonder what the hell kind of life you have led? 

This woman, along with her roommate, who is also an older woman, are often times up on the roof enjoying the pool and the Jacuzzi. Our handyman who is also our friend told us that the two of them were formerly doctors before they got retired and as friends, they decided that they would live together and rent an apartment together for company. That sounds like a great way to ensure that they are not lonely in their old age, but honestly, they are both a little neurotic and ridiculous. Yesterday, when I was up on the roof and trying to enjoy the Jacuzzi again, the same woman was in the Jacuzzi while her friend was getting out of the pool. The Jacuzzi has a setting where residents of this building can turn on and off the jets with a timer. The same woman was in the Jacuzzi without the jets and I turned the jets on and set the timer to 15 minutes. Her friend coming out of the pool got alarmed when I turned the jets on, and she looked at me with this crazed expression and asked if I had turned the temperature up on the Jacuzzi. I told her that it was not possible for us to control the temperature of the Jacuzzi and that instead, I had turned on the jets/timer. She was about to enter the Jacuzzi until we had this exchange, and even after I responded to her, she said to her friend/roommate that she was not comfortable getting into the Jacuzzi with the change I had made and would go immediately back to their apartment. I am not sure what the hell makes her think that any building would allow any resident to actually control the heat of a hot tub… Allowing residents to ultimately boil each other to death, but hey, it’s her neuroses that is preventing her from enjoying, and I really did not care.

So, while I do believe that it is cute that these two older women have decided in their golden years to become roommates, a la The Golden Girls, it is just unfortunate that they are both a bit psychotic and slightly spoiled my own relaxed time away from child care duties and pumping.

The big sister I never had

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One of my good friends from my last company has been an invaluable support to me since before I even got pregnant and while I was on my IVF journey. She and her husband have graciously and generously given us literally a boatload of lightly used baby items, ranging from big, essential items such as our bassinet to our baby lounger to our car seat cozy to swaddle blankets. These are items that we have literally used every single day since the baby has come home. And instead of getting us a baby gift, she and her husband gifted Chris and me a delicious food delivery order from a food startup that tries to support refugees and spreads the word about their diverse cultures represented in New York City.

On top of that, she has given me a ton of reassurance every step of the way. For example, two days after the baby was born, I noticed that there were hard lumps on both of my breasts, and I immediately just assumed that I was experiencing clogged milk ducts. I freaked out a little bit, took a bunch of sunflower lecithin pills, and proceeded to massage them out with heat. It actually hurt, too. I told Chris, and of course he was sympathetic and tried to tend to the baby as much as possible while I kept on massaging my breasts. I was already getting scared that I was going to get mastitis, and I texted her to tell her. She told me that given it was so close after giving birth, there was no way that I could already have a clogged milk duct. The lumps that I was experiencing were likely just signs of my milk coming in, as that often times is what it feels like. It can also feel like your breasts are just getting rock hard. These are all good signs, she insisted to me. Your milk is coming in! I was immediately relieved and got really excited. I really wanted to be able to breast-feed my child and know for a fact that she was actually getting milk when she was at my breast.

Last week, she knew that I was feeling overwhelmed with Chris back at work, so she offered to come over to help relieve me by helping with bottle feeds and anything else that I might need help with. She proactively offered to do everything, from chopping vegetables to even cleaning my apartment. There was no way I was going to let her clean my apartment, so I asked if she could help with bottle feeding the baby. She knew that I was missing my Asian greens, so she went to Flushing the morning she came over and picked up four different types of Asian vegetables just for me, on top of stopping by one of my absolute favorite Chinese restaurants to get me some shengjianbao, or fried Shanghainese dumplings, as well as HK style noodles. I felt really overwhelmed by her generosity and kindness. It was like she was trying to take care of me when she knew that I was feeling inadequate and in need of some TLC. When she came over, we caught up and talked about a lot of things, mostly around motherhood, balancing child care and having a child in general with having an actual life. I often times look at her like the big sister I never had; I am so grateful that I have her.

First visit from my cousin, his wife, and son

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I had been dreading my cousin and his family coming over. They live fairly close, just right across the park on the Upper East Side, but his entire marriage and the way he and his wife have raised their son just screams dysfunctional. She blames him for everything, and he blames her for everything. Each sees themselves as a victim and the other as the reason for their misery. It’s truly a match made in hell, and you wonder how these two people even got married and had a kid together. There is very little joy in meeting up with them. The last time I had seen them, I went to help them move from their old apartment on the Upper West Side to the new place on the east side. Every time my cousin asked his wife a question, she would ignore him. When I would ask her something or tell her something, she’d immediately respond. Well, nothing had changed, as this same situation repeated itself when they showed up today. It was made even more awkward by the fact that their son was with them, and he is not totally all there. The baby was clearly with me, and he asked where the baby was. He had no interest in seeing or really interacting with my child at all even though he claimed he did when he walked in. And his mother was constantly grabbing and holding him even though he’s almost 10 years old. All of them kept their masks on the entire time, and seemingly were too scared to touch anything in our apartment in fear that we would likely give them COVID. They wouldn’t even take a glass of water from us to drink. My cousin barely even looked at my child and was on his phone almost the entire time.

So yeah, that was a fun and riveting visit. At least they dropped off two brand new play mats for my baby.

Baby’s first bath by mama

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If you can believe it or not, tonight was the very first time I bathed my baby. My baby is over two months old, and since the day she was born, we have had a night nurse come about four nights a week who has taken care of her baths. Because of that, I have actually never bathed her. For the first week of her life, her umbilical cord was still intact, and you are not supposed to bathe your baby or submerge her body in water when the cord is still intact. Instead, you are supposed to give the baby sponge baths and avoid getting water around her belly button, which could get infected. Our night nurse took care of all of this, and so we never had to worry about her belly button getting infected.  Our night nurse Cheryl is leaving us to go to her next client who booked her far in advance, and so tonight was her very last night with us. On her last night, she suggested that I bathe the baby and that she watch. And so, I bathed my baby for the very first time.

 Kaia loves her baths. The very first bath she had after her umbilical cord fell off, she was really pissy and hated it. She screamed and yelled and cried from the beginning until the end. Her second bath was much more pleasant with just a little bit of crying. And her third bath onward, she loved it as though it was a luxurious spa experience. Her little bathtub came with a newborn sling, as well as two additional accessories: one bottle with little holes in it to drizzle water all over her, as well as a little whale with tiny holes in it to sprinkle water over her body as entertainment. She absolutely loves her tiny little whale and having water sprinkled all over her head. This is probably her favorite part of the bath, as she really just laps it up and has endless smiles.

So I bathed Kaia this evening, and while I enjoyed it, I realized that I felt a little bit disabled because my hands hurt while keeping her body upright and especially when turning her over to get her back. It was hard for me to have a good grip on her body especially, while flipping her over to wash her back. It would have been easier to have two people do this. Since that experience, our new night nurse Annie has given a couple of tips in terms of making sure that the grip is strong on her body when flipping her over while she’s wet: use a dry washcloth on her chest when you flip her over so that your hand is gripping the washcloth instead of her slippery body. And then, keep the wet washcloth on her back. This will ensure a grip on both sides so that you don’t accidentally dropped the baby or lose grip.

These night nurses know everything.

Visits to meet our baby while she is being nursed

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Last weekend, a friend and his wife came over to visit Kaia for the first time. Given she feeds so often, as in every three hours, and I nurse her during the day, I am pretty open about the fact that my breasts will be out, and no, I will not cover them up. I’m in my own damn house, so I need to be comfortable. So I tend to preface all visitors with this message: Just giving you the head’s up that my nipples will be out, so hope you’ll be comfortable with that!

So they came and visited for a short duration while I nursed Kaia on one breast and had my Haakaa breast pump that pumped and caught milk drops on the other breast. I felt totally comfortable during this while we chatted. But afterwards, Chris said that they were both extremely awkward; my friend was doing his very best to look away from the direction of my breasts, and his wife was trying hard to be extremely polite, staring straight ahead as though actively avoiding my view.

I wish that as a culture, we could be more open minded and “normal” about breast/chest feeding. It’s really not that big of a deal. This is how animals feed their children. There is absolutely nothing sexual or inappropriate or questionable about seeing a person breast/chest feeding their baby in the presence of other people. If I saw them staring at my breasts while I fed my baby, I really would not care. This is human and animal nature and thus is natural. Americans need to stop being so prudish about something that is just natural: feeding one’s child.

Multi-tasking while pumping milk

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It’s often been said that mothers are the best multi-taskers on earth. Why is that the case? Well, it’s because they don’t have the choice of multi-tasking; they MUST multitask simply to survive and ensure their children’s survival and comfort. This is also the only way shit gets done in the house.

Here is a list of things I’ve completed while connected to my Spectra S1 breast pump. I’m pretty proud of myself, if I can say that, given that this Spectra pump, even with its built-in battery, is basically like carrying around a mini bowling ball everywhere that’s connected to both my nipples.

Cutting vegetables and fruit

Preparing toast

Mashing up avocado

Preparing morning oatmeal

Eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner

Brushing my teeth (I do not recommend this; this was ominous!)

Flossing my teeth

Entertaining baby in Baby Bjorn bouncer chair

Double boiling and heat aerating Chai

Whisking matcha

Disinfecting kitchen counters and bathroom sink

Scrubbing toilet bowls

Preparing breast milk and formula bottles

Wiping up baby spit up on floor

Washing dishes

Writing blog posts, responding to emails

Listening to and reading the news

Phone calls with friends/family

Answering the door when food delivery comes (yes, I really did this)

Voice to text dictation for this blog

Sitz baths for postpartum healing

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Before I had gotten discharged from the hospital, the nurse packed me a sitz bath to bring home to use in order to heal my rectum and vagina. A sitz bath is essentially a bath for your nether regions: you set it up on top of your toilet after lifting the lid and the seat up. You fill the shallow bath with warm water along with Epsom salts and mix it up. Then, you takeoff your pants and underwear and sit on top of it for about 5 to 15 minutes. The Epson salts as well as the heat of the water are supposed to help heal your rectum and vagina from all of the trauma that you experienced during childbirth. I had read about sitz baths leading up to giving birth, but I wasn’t set on buying a sitz bath for myself, so lucky me, I got one for free at the hospital… Or, you can also say that nothing is free at any U.S. private hospital in reality because the raw cost of giving birth at Lenox Hill, when you combine the costs for both you and your baby (because yes, your baby does get a separate bill as soon as she pops out) is over $80,000. But that’s another story for another day.

Anyway, this was part of the many things that were packed for us to take home after giving birth. I did not get around to actually using it until about one week postpartum. I finally took a little bit of time during  one evening to do a sitz bath for myself. I considered it part of my self care and healing. So I would set myself up in the second bathroom, fill the sitz bath with warm water and lavender Epsom salts that Chris’s brother bought me for Christmas, and then just sit there. I would have my phone away and literally just sit in stillness for 10-15 minutes. It was a short, sweet time every day almost every day for about 3-4 weeks when I would just meditate in silence by myself and have warmth enveloping my nether regions. And I could not believe how good it felt the very first time, and every subsequent time. I felt an immediate “ahhhhhhh.”

I pretty much got hooked on doing this. It especially felt good when the few stitches I had inside my vagina started to heal, which tends to cause itchiness. As soon as my bottom hit that warm water and salt, it was as though all the itchiness just dissipated just like that. And even though the time that I spent on top of that sitz bath was short, it was a really calming time, and I looked forward to it every evening.

One of the fun things about the sitz bath is that it has the slits in it to allow the water to drain. That way, if you overfill it by accident and you put your bottom on it, the water will just drain directly into the toilet bowl. But if you think about it, the sound of the water dripping into the toilet bowl is going to sound just like urine dripping into the toilet. And so, one day, Chris decided to carry the baby into the bathroom to come check up on what I was doing. And he looked at me, then looked at the baby, and kind of smiled. 

“It sounds like you are peeing!”

“You are really loving that thing!” 

“How long are you going to be using that vag bath?”

I thought that I would no longer need it anymore at this point of my postpartum state.  But then, out of nowhere while peeing one day recently, I started getting a burning sensation in my vagina after wiping. So, it looks like I may not be retiring my sitz bath as soon as I thought.

Baby’s first skill: sticking out her tongue

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Our new morning routine has been to sit with baby Kaia in her Baby Bjorn bouncy chair and talk, sing, and play with her. Sometimes, I will read to her or show her “high contrast black and white images” courtesy of Lovevery. And of course, I am doing all this while I am pumping. She loves making eye contact, and she has been increasingly more observant not only of my facial expressions, but also her surroundings. Whenever I sing or talk to her, it’s almost like she’s studying what I am saying and trying to make sense of it. She coos and makes all kinds of babble sounds in response.

I read that babies as early as six weeks old can mimic what their parents do, whether that is facial expressions or motions with hands. But today, our baby, for the very first time, mimicked me sticking out her tongue. I had been doing it to her for a few days now to see if she would catch on, and she finally did it today… and I got it on camera! She did it multiple times, and I just got so excited. I felt so, so proud. It seems a bit funny to think about exactly how happy and proud I was, but I really was. It feels so good to see that she is responsive to us and is just taking us all in, little by little. I almost melted into a puddle and just wanted to eat her cute, chubby face then and there. My little, sweet, smart baby. I just love her to no end.

Dreaming of an angioplasty

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I haven’t been able to remember most of my dreams since our baby was born, but the dream I had last night really stood out and definitely highlights all my focus around my milk supply for baby and how I obsess over it.

In my dream, I was at the doctor’s office going over some test results because of some chest pain I told the doctor I was experiencing, and she informed me that I had a blocked artery that she was concerned about. The only way to address and resolve this would be to schedule an angioplasty for me, which is a procedure to restore blood flow to the heart without open heart surgery. It’s considered a minor surgery… but definitely NOT something commonly done on someone of my age.

My immediate reaction was not to be concerned about my own health or the fact that this was a sign of heart disease. Instead, my response was… is there any way we can reschedule this procedure so that I can do this after I’ve weaned my baby off breast milk? If I have this procedure done, I’ll be off my pumping schedule, and I won’t be able to pump on the day of the surgery or during the weeks after that due to recovery, and that will ruin my milk supply and possibly even cause me to dry up, and I NEED to give my baby as much breast milk as possible! Can we wait until she’s at least a year old?

My doctor looked at me like I was absolutely insane… which I was with the response I had. We were talking potentially about life or death for me, and I was only thinking about… my baby getting my breast milk…?!