Hips on fire

The pregnancy symptoms began as dull soreness or pressure around my hips and lower back. They started last Monday evening while I was editing a video on my computer. The hip soreness has gradually become a warm, almost fire-like sensation around my hips, lower abdomen, and lower back. While chatting with my friend on my couch for what felt like an hours-long conversation while Chris passed out in our bedroom from his first COVID-19 vaccine dose, I definitely felt like my hips were on fire. It is probably one of the strangest and most unique feelings I’ve ever had.

So far, I haven’t really felt any other symptoms yet. I have not yet experienced nausea or sensitivity to different foods or smells. I can feel that my breasts have become a bit more sensitive in the last day. This whole experience is teaching me new ways that my body reacts and changes. It’s kind of amazing when you think about all that the female body is capable of, particularly when it comes to monthly menstrual cycles and reproduction.

When I went in for my second beta test on Friday, I was so thrilled to find out that my HCG levels didn’t just double; they nearly tripled! So the clinic felt comfortable not having me come back in two days, and instead they told me that they’d like me to come back on Wednesday morning to measure my HCG and progesterone levels, plus for my first obstetrical ultrasound in order to identify a gestational sac.

I was not prepared to hear that: I am just DAYS AWAY from my first OB ultrasound? I could not believe it. I really hope it will be good news again.

Endometrium what?

So today was the day of my big ERA test at the clinic. I was bracing myself for what would be 5 to 10 seconds of extreme pain. The clinical assistant had warned me that it would feel like “a very intense cramp for a few seconds, but then it would be over.” And so I knew that today was not going to be fun. They’re also taking a biopsy of my endometrium to check to ensure I do not have endometritis, which is an inflammation of the endometrium that can make an embryo transfer difficult. If I have it, the nurse said the fix would be easy — just a course of oral antibiotics.

The doctor came in with a nurse assistant and said that he was really excited about this menstural cycle for me because everything looked as good as it could possibly look: all my hormone levels were progressing as expected and hoped, plus the lining of my uterus was over the ideal level of thickness; he anticipates we’ll have a smooth transfer assuming this ERA test goes well.

“Excited,” huh? I’m not sure how “exciting” any of this is. That’s a funny word to use in the world of IVF.

So, he stuck the speculum into my vagina, and then took his instrument to remove a biopsy of my endometrium. He gave me a verbal head’s up when the “unpleasant” feeling would begin. It lasted less than 5-6 seconds, but it felt like a very, very intense menstrual cramp. And when he removed the speculum and said we were all set, I felt a combination of feverish hot flashes wash all over me. I could feel my face flushing. He suggested I lie down for a bit before getting dressed to leave. Even though he had removed the speculum already, it still felt like there was something down there, still inside of me, for at least a few minutes after.

The nurse stayed with me for about five minutes. They usually stay with you after this procedure for a bit to monitor you until you seem more composed… in the event that you may pass out and lose consciousness. She made some small talk with me and said that this ERA procedure went really well, as it was super quick; in some women’s cases, the doctor is not able to get to the right angle of the endometrium, so he actually has to go in a few more times after that, resulting in prolonged pain and even worse cramps for the woman. She also said that most women actually scream or moan or even cry when an ERA is done. “You handled this really well!” she said, smiling. My eyes widened. Thank GOD that was not me today!

After getting dressed, I still felt like I was having hot flashes and felt a bit dizzy and light-headed, but I thought that maybe walking in the cold would do me a little good. I walked for about four blocks to get some fresh air and then called an Uber to drive me home.

On the short 5-minute ride home, all I could think was…. “The shit I’ve had to do to just try and get pregnant. Please, God, make this all worth it…..”

Resistance training for fat loss

I am not sure why, but in the last few YouTube videos I’ve been watching, the ads that I’ve been getting served have talked about the importance of resistance training, how running miles and miles on the treadmill will not result in weight loss and is simply a wasted effort (that last part is actually not always true for many of us, self included, but sure, you market you). Ever since I started regularly exercising in college and trying different workout regimens, I’ve always incorporated some sort of resistance training into my routine. This is no secret and is not up for debate: resistance training improves both strength and endurance. It also helps with losing excess body fat. And if you have a mesomorph body type like me, and if you use your own body weight (crunches, planks, lunges) vs. free weights, then you can build strength and definition without getting too bulky.

Oddly enough, while thinking about this annoying, recurring YouTube commercial, and while doing an interval run on the treadmill the other day, I thought about a former boyfriend who had once been, in his teens to early twenties, legitimately obese. When he showed me photos of how large he was, I was in complete disbelief. Granted, when I met him, he wasn’t the skinniest or most muscle defined guy, but he was FAR from obese. He lost a lot of that excess weight by running and working out on an elliptical (in addition to cutting his meal portions), but he had never really incorporated any resistance training into his workout routine. As a result of a lack of resistance training, he had a lot of flab around his stomach and love handles that … to put it bluntly, would literally just hang there. And it was NOT attractive.

I suggested to him several times that he try to do some form of resistance or strength training to lose it, that he needed to do more than pure cardio exercises as his 3-4x per week workout routine, but he insisted it wasn’t necessary. “It’s just excess skin,” he’d say defensively, and insist it wasn’t actually fat at all.

Well, that never worked — the polite suggestions or the relationship. He ended up gaining a lot of weight towards the end of our relationship. When I suggested that he try to lose it (this was mostly caused by stress and overeating as a result of stress from work), he said he didn’t feel like I was “accepting him for who he was” (no, that’s not the way I operate. It’s called tough love, idiots. We’re supposed to be striving to be the best version of ourselves, and that was NOT the best version of himself). And I found it completely unattractive and frustrating that he wouldn’t listen to me when I shared a very basic exercise fact that is known by pretty much ANYONE who does ANY form of exercise.

I’m not sure why I was reminded of him when reflecting on this commercial or while running on the treadmill. It was just a passing thought that came to mind. We all have different views and insecurities when it comes to diet and exercise, but to deny a basic fact about exercise seemed pretty ridiculous.

ERA test

So after chatting with my reproductive endocrinologist and thinking about how I’d eventually like to STOP going to the clinic completely and actually have a child, I decided that even though the numbers weren’t that convincing that I’d suck it up and do an ERA test alongside a mock embryo transfer cycle. Most people, even those who have gone through IVF, may not even know what this test is. It’s become more common for IVF patients to do this in the last 20 years, particularly after failed embryo transfers, but it stands for endometrial receptivity analysis test. During this test, the doctor will take a biopsy of your endometrium, which is the lining of your uterus, and also the place where a woman’s body prepares for the arrival of an embryo each month. The endometrium, in that sense, is essentially a “home” where the embryo implants and resides during gestation. An embryo is able to implant during a specific receptive period of a time during a woman’s cycle, and this is called the “window of implantation.”

I’m not really that excited about having a ‘biopsy’ done of anything of mine, but I’ve figured… I’ve come so far in this whole terrible process that if there is just one more thing I need to do to give myself some level of reassurance that we’re doing what we can to ensure success, then I will just do it. I was reading about how this test feels, and it is supposed to be about 5 to 10 seconds of an intense menstrual cramp. The worst procedure I’ve had to do during this period that was like that feeling was the HSG exam, where they check to see if your fallopian tubes are open (and YES, both of mine are). It only lasted 10 seconds, but it hurt so badly that I felt faint and light-headed for a good 30 seconds after. The doctor even had to ask me if I wanted some water before getting onto my feet.

So now, this procedure is scheduled next Tuesday. I will be awake for it, so right after, I can just walk back home and go “back to work.” No one ever tells you before you start fertility clinic visits how LONG EVERYTHING SEEMS TO TAKE. There is so much waiting, so little definitive aspects, so much uncertainty.

Soreness

I’ve been back into a rigorous workout routine for the last five weeks now. It’s been an adjustment for me given that I got pretty sick twice in the last two months, and with the travel of December/early January, my body was out of wack when it came to waking up early and doing my usual morning workouts. It’s been harder for me to wake up early, but I’ve been pushing myself to exercise at least five times a week. I’m sore in a different way almost every single day, but at least I know it’s a good soreness, as in, I know I’m working my muscles and burning fat, as opposed to soreness that may be from an injury pain.

But this weekend marks the first two full consecutive days when I will not be doing any exercise other than walking. I think my body is in need of this two-day rest period. Everyone needs a rest after a lot of hard work.

Dylan McKay is gone

We learned the news today that Luke Perry, the actor who played Dylan McKay in the series Beverly Hills 90210, had passed away from a stroke at age 52. While we often hear news of the passing of many celebrities pretty much every single day, this was so sad given that Ed and I used to watch 90210 nearly religiously. When I think of Dylan McKay, he kind of feels like a classmate or friend who I knew and was acquainted with as a child and a teenager. That’s how much I watched that show, and that’s how close I felt to certain characters in that show.

If Ed were still here and heard this news, he’d probably be devastated. Any time a celebrity or someone we knew died, he would contemplate it long and hard. He’d wonder how an actor so young, at only 52, could die from a stroke.

Then again, how could someone so young like my brother at age 33 die…?

Health and fitness gratitude

It’s been nearly four straight weeks of working out at least 4 times a week, and my body feels really good. I’ve been starting and ending the day with stretching, and doing different workouts with my Aaptiv app to keep me motivated. Every time a workout ends these days, I feel really grateful and relieved… mostly because I know how painful and frustrating getting injured can be given the last two injuries I’ve recently had, and I hated the feeling so much — being powerless, having to wait who-knows-how-long before I would be healthy enough to properly exercise again. Every morning felt like a gamble: would my hamstring still feel tight? Would I still feel pain in my lower back? Please, pain, go away!

The experiences of getting injured recently have made me feel even more gratitude in the mornings when I wake up and feel 100 percent healthy enough to exercise, to go through my everyday motions and not feel constrained by any means at all. I can lift and carry whatever I want, get on a stool and feel steady, and not really have to worry about anything. This was not always the case in the last few months. I just felt so happy the last few weeks ending my workouts and thinking, I did my daily exercise. I didn’t get injured. I am in good health. I feel good. 

As human beings, we tend to take what seems to be the most basic things for granted. But the last few weeks, I have woken up especially grateful, honestly in a way basking in the fact that I am so lucky and fortunate to have the good health and fitness level that I do, and that I feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. Gratitude is the hallmark of happiness, as they always say.

Beautiful and green Vancouver and food “labels”

Three years ago when my parents, Chris, and I came to Vancouver for the first time, I was completely in love. This city, with its beautiful harbour, lush green parks, shiny new buildings, proximity to mountains, forests, and beaches — was like an urban paradise on the North American continent to me. The diversity of the city stunned me, and the number of ethnic restaurants everywhere was literal eye candy. There was no end to the number of Asian restaurants and businesses everywhere. And you could feel it immediately when you arrived at Vancouver International Airport because all the signs were in English, French, and Chinese. People were friendly. The city seemed pretty walkable. People exercise a lot here, everywhere. The air was fresh and clean. I decided by day three there: if I could pick a Canadian city to live in, it would be Vancouver. It pretty much has everything I love about a city… with the exception that it gets cold and rains a lot. But maybe I could one day temporarily deal with it? No need to be so absolute about anything, right?

I spent the mid afternoon to evening today exploring areas that I didn’t get to see much of in-depth the last time I was here, and I found myself loving it even more. The drizzly and overcast sky cleared up to reveal the sun and a few clouds here and there this afternoon, and so I frolicked around and enjoyed walking through Yaletown, Gastown, Chinatown, and the West End. I noticed the quaint cafe and coffee culture every few blocks. I witnessed road rage to the max when I least expected it (apparently, road rage is a big thing here; who would have thought that Canadians could be mean and vicious?). I heard multiple languages being spoken that I couldn’t even recognize and name. I was overwhelmed with my lunch options, all featuring local, fresh, and sustainable ingredients,  and had no idea where to start. Ooh, this is my kind of place. I just want to stay here forever.

Health and fitness are big in Vancouver, almost like the way I noticed it was a thing in Colorado when I visited, and the number of restaurants that not only accommodate vegetarianism and veganism but actually feature sections of these categories of dining is actually really astounding to me. I’ve become more open-minded to veganism over the last several years, especially when it is made with the usual  omnivore in mind. I’m never going to convert, but I’m happy to eat less meat. To put this in perspective, a “recommended” serving of meat/protein in a healthy, well-balanced, nutritious diet is four ounces; that’s about the size of a deck of cards. When you actually give the average American a burger or piece of chicken that size, they scoff at it and say it’s too small. In other words, we eat far too much meat and really don’t understand portion control. We’d all be better off if we reset our expectations and stopped expecting a lot of meat all the time, if not for anything else but our health’s sake. I love all good food as long as its tasty, but don’t give me a carrot and tell me that’s my main course unless you’re going to do something absolutely surprising and crazy with it.

I decided to stop by The Juice Truck in Yaletown today for lunch after reading many rave reviews about how good their food was by vegetarians and omnivores alike. What they do not label themselves as in their name or even description is “vegan,” even though they actually are a plant-based food company with multiple locations throughout Vancouver, both truck and brick-and-mortar shops. There’s not a single animal product used in any of their dishes or smoothies. You wouldn’t know this until you read the individual descriptions of the bowls, plates, or smoothies.

I ordered their “Caesar salad,” which is a mix of romaine, kale, and radicchio served with sriracha-roasted crunchy chickpeas, smoked maple tempeh, walnut “parmesan,” chipotle coconut bacon, fresh lemon, and their house-made creamy cashew “caesar” dressing, as well as their vegan peanut butter chocolate soft serve made with house-made almond milk. Both the salad and the soft serve blew me away. I’ve made my own crunchy roasted chickpeas before, but this was an encouragement to make this again and more often. The cashew-based caesar dressing was nearly addictive with how creamy and umami it was. I finished the salad and felt really satisfied. And what truly impressed me the most was the peanut butter soft serve. I cannot imagine anyone having that who is a peanut butter fan being disappointed and missing the cow milk.

Maybe it’s true: if we stopped labeling things “vegan” or “vegetarian,” maybe people would be more open to trying these foods and embracing them. The only place I saw the word “vegan” on The Juice Truck’s menu was in regard to the soft serve options and the loaf cake slices (banana and lemon coconut, which are made by a plant-based personality who lives in Vancouver and owns ToDieFor.ca. Labeling is overrated; good food is good food. And the more creative the food, the better.

 

Hamstring tightness

The week we got back from India, I did some pretty rigorous workouts, many of which included a lot of sprinting and HIIT sessions. And during one of those runs, I felt something feel like a pinch in my hamstring, but I figured, oh, it will be fine! It led to me hobbling the next day and feeling a lot of tightness along my hamstring all the way up to my butt, which as you can imagine, was really uncomfortable. I did everything from stretching to icing to rubbing tiger balm all over it. That was over six weeks ago. The pain isn’t there anymore, but the tightness still is. I stopped any running or cardio workout and mainly focused on my upper body. Then I tried swimming last week. But it still wasn’t improving. And it got me a little worried.

So, I called a doctor today to get some advice; he pretty much said I was doing everything I should be doing.. other than continuing to lightly exercise my legs. He advised against swimming, which I’d tried out in the last week. He also suggested I get a compression sleeve for my knee and thigh, which I did. And now I really feel like a poser wearing this. I’ve been hiding it with my skirts, but whenever I’ve seen other people wear these sleeves, I always think, wow, that person must be a real athlete! They must work out really hard! I’m not athletic at all, but I do exercise quite a bit. Now, I am one of those people.

He also told me to take it easy, as hamstring injuries can take up to three to four months to heal with proper care. That… makes me feel really excited. And like an invalid. Maybe it’s just a sign of aging since I’ve never really gotten injured during exercise before.

Out of the blue

An old colleague who I was friendly with randomly texted me out of the blue to let me know that his brother has recently talked about killing himself, and that his sister-in-law was worried and out of town and asked him to come stay the night at their place to make sure he didn’t do anything to harm himself. I don’t believe we’d seen each other for at least a year or two, though we were friendly when we worked together two jobs ago for me. He said he knew it was a lot to ask given we hadn’t really been in touch, but wanted to ask if we could chat.

I suppose I am a suicide prevention advocate. I fund raise to increase suicide prevention and mental illness and health awareness, so I’ve made myself the person to go to in a time of crisis. It’s almost like I have a moral obligation to agree to help. How can I say no? So we chatted for over an hour on the phone this evening and I tried to alleviate his concerns and provide some suggestions while listening to what he and his family have been going through.

The worst part about situations like these is that… it’s truly the blind leading the blind. Let’s face it: I was never successful in helping my brother help himself; otherwise, he’d be here now, right? So asking my advice, while I appreciate the thought… I’m not sure I am really capable of helping anyone. I can give my suggestions, say what they absolutely should NOT do, and then hope for the best. We can barely help the people in our lives now with their tunnel visions and chosen life outlooks. How can we help people we don’t even know?