Category Archives: Motherhood

“Why is it just three of us?”

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Kaia woke up this morning to see that her paternal grandparents were not in the house anymore. As they usually do, Chris’s parents left on one of several side trips on this trip: for the next week and a half, they are off to Utah, Nevada, Toronto, and Maine. She came out of her bedroom and peered at our bed where Chris’s parents would sleep and did not see them. Instead, she saw a fully made up bed. She also saw me lying on the sofa bed, still under the covers.

“Where did Suma and Topa go?” Kaia asked, as she got into sofa bed with me.

“Remember we told you they’d leave this morning for about a week and a half?” I said to her lightly. “They’ll be back next Wednesday! They’ll be back before you know it.”

She gave me her contemplative look. She was clearly sad and did not like that they weren’t at home with us anymore.

As she ate her breakfast, she said to me, “Why is it just the three of us?” And when I told her that Suma and Topa couldn’t stay with us forever, she kept asking me, “Why? Why?”

Kaia wants everyone she loves with her all the time – forever. Like most kids her age, she never wants the fun to end, and she always wants to be loved and cuddled and given attention to constantly. It’s hard to explain to her in a way she will understand why some people she loves live so far away, and why these same relations (like grandparents) can be closer in proximity like her classmates’ grandparents may be. But I guess that’s all the things you start learning and understanding the older and more mature you become.

Chamber Music Society – Tuneful Teamwork for littles

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Whenever I can, I try to check the Lincoln Center and Chamber Music Society kids event calendars to see what’s upcoming that I could bring Kaia to. As she’s getting older every year, this means that there are more and more events that could be age appropriate for her. A lot of the Lincoln Center/CMS events are for elementary-school-age children, so she’s in a pretty sweet spot now as she’s getting closer to kindergarten. Months ago, I snagged some seats for us that were pay-what-you-choose for the Big Umbrella Festival CMS event called Tuneful Teamwork, where the kids get to see a string quartet play different pieces by Haydn, Grant Still, Beethoven, Borodin, Mendelssohn, and Bridge. I took her this afternoon to the Rose Studio for this performance. During each piece, the performers show a different way to lead, follow, and play as a team. All the performers were really interactive and sweet with the kids. Kaia was immediately mesmerized by all the string instruments, but of course as the hour went on, she gradually got distracted by other kids being distracted. She did jump at the chance to play with one of the instruments at the end. After the performance ended, child-sized violas, violins, a cello were brought out so that the kids could take turns touching and playing it with a CMS performer. Kaia chose the cello, and she really enjoyed holding the bow and listening to the “music” she was making.

I would love for Kaia to play an instrument, and I wonder which one she will choose if she does end up playing? In the back of my mind, I always think that if I were to learn an instrument now, I’d want to do something seemingly basic — the piano – an oldie but a goodie. I never learned how to read music properly during my two years (miserably) playing violin in elementary school. And it’s never too late to learn!

Suicide ideation in a 9-year-old

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Over the last decade, suicide rates among people under 18, and youth in general, have increased overall. There has been an upward trend pre 2020, a spike around the COVID period, and some recent improvement, but still elevated levels. Suicide has remained one of the leading causes of death for adolescents, and overall youth suicide rates are much higher today than they were just 10 to 15 years ago. Mental health struggles have increased in surveys of teens, especially among certain age sub groups. I’m aware of this not just because of my involvement with AFSP, but also because I generally follow mental health and overall health news and developments.

Today at an afternoon catch up with a friend, I was saddened to learn that her 9-year-old niece had attempted suicide by slashing her wrists. In the last few months, she’d already started withdrawing from friends and activities that usually interest her. She’s not even officially a pre-teen yet, yet she’s already feeling depressed. She has intense pressure from her mother to “make it” as a child model, and she’s constantly told she has to smile 24/7. It sounds like a pretty miserable life for such a young kid.

My friend is naturally a caring (and sometimes over-caring) and concerned person. She always wants to help and “fix” problems as best as she can. But this is one of those issues where I told her flat out that it would not be something to “fix”, but rather would need to be seen as a “work in progress.” At this age, kids need to know that they are good and enough as they are; they need a strong emotional foundation, and it’s up to the adults in their lives to help provide them that. Given she barely sees her niece once a month, she’s going to need someone more often present in her life like a counselor or closer family member to help reinforce this. She needs low-pressure, consistent communication. She also needs to know she has a safe space to openly speak her mind about anything and everything.

I think back to my old childhood and to Ed’s. And I know without a doubt that Ed had no adult he could rely on to be his safe person, his safe space. I eventually found two teachers in middle and high school who became mine, and ultimately my de factor mentors. If every little child growing up had real safe spaces with reliable, well-intentioned, kind-hearted adults, I think we’d have less mental health challenges amongst young people. But I guess we can all only try to do our own little parts to contribute to this.

When Kaia wants to choose her clothes, even the under garments

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The last couple of weeks in the mornings, Kaia has had strong opinions about what she wears to school. She’s rejected a few of the pieces I picked out and insisted that she pick out her own t-shirt (which no one would see since it’s still cold, and she wears a warm sweater layer on top…) and even her own socks. I know that at her stage of development, allowing her some level of autonomy is key so that she “feels” like she has a sense of control. So in most of these cases, I relent and just let her choose… assuming she doesn’t take more than three minutes to select the substitute clothing.

But she’s actually shown preference for clothing since she was as young as 2.5 years of age, if not younger. She does not like plain tops of any kind; she needs to have a design of some sort on them. So when it comes to layering pieces, I often have to force her to wear a plain shirt underneath. She’s always loved lighter, summery clothing over the thick layers of winter. She loves colorful printed dresses and is completely obsessed with tutus. And she really does not seem to be a fan of warm winter dresses at all. She refuses to wear anything black, with the exception of a black t-shirt we got her that has a spider web fully made of rhinestones. And she needs to be cajoled into wearing black pants (everyone needs something basic, even at that age, right?).

Today, she asked to wear her Mickey Mouse and mango shirt we got her while in the Philippines. This t-shirt was part of the Uniqlo location-specific collections: this one was themed “Mickey goes to the Philippines.” But on top, she wanted to wear her Elsa sweater. Chris watched her undress this evening and said, “Isn’t that kind of a waste to wear that underneath since no one will be able to see it?”

Yes, it kind of is. But at the same time, Kaia wanted to wear it underneath, and she knows she is wearing it underneath, and that makes her happy. And sometimes, if not all the time, as long as she knows she has it and is wearing it and likes it, then that’s all that really matters, doesn’t it? I think of it like nice, super comfortable or fun-printed (and oftentimes expensive…) underwear or bras. Most of the time outside of maybe your partner or kids, no one will ever see you wearing these under garments. But they make you happy and feel good. Therefore, your happiness, knowledge, and comfort are all that should matter when deciding to wear them.

Kaia wrote my name correctly for the first time

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On our Sunday slow day at home two days ago, I spent the afternoon going between playing with Kaia, cooking, and cleaning in the kitchen. She’s gotten a lot more into coloring lately, so she’s been using the princess coloring book I got her from Asheville on the weekends and self-restricting her coloring to one page per day. When she does activities like this where we can’t really do it “together,” she’s been asking me to simply sit there with her and keep her company.

“Sit with me, mama!” she says in her sweet little voice.

It’s been really sweet — for her to just ask me to sit with her and just be with her. It’s also been an exercise for me in truly just being in the moment with her and not preoccupying my mind and body in thinking about or doing something else. When I sat there watching her color on Sunday afternoon, I thought about how the years will go so quickly and soon, she will not want me anywhere near her while she’s sitting doing anything. And while I thought about it, I just smiled at her.

Another activity she wanted to do was to use this digital doodle pad that my friend got her. She loves trading it back and forth with me while we write and draw different things for each other. After I drew several objects she requested, Kaia then said, “I’m going to write your name!” And she started spelling my name out loud, writing each letter very slowly and intentionally. And while she did write very big and run out of room writing from left to right a couple times while using capital letters, when she finally did it, it looked really good! I smiled so hard that my face almost started hurting.

“Pookie, you did it!” I yelled. “Very good, Pookie Pie! I’m so proud of you!”

She beamed at me. “This is Mama!” she shrieked back at me.

Soon, she’ll be writing full sentences, then paragraphs, then even essays. She’s getting bigger and more mature every day. I guess I am getting more “mature” every day, too: I looked down and saw two aging 40-year-old hands. The older she gets, the older I get, too. These are the special moments of witnessing her growth that hopefully will stay with me — even when she’s driving me mad by running like crazy on the street or refusing to hold my hand in big crowds. All these moments feel so fleeting.

The overachieving babysitter

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Tonight, we went out to dinner at a new and impossible-to-get-reservations restaurant with two friends who had a food distributor hook-up. We got the same babysitter who came over the night of my birthday dinner party this year. She is a complete overachiever: she came about fifteen minutes earlier than I asked the last time, and she followed all my instructions to a T. She probably even did more cleaning around my kitchen than I asked her to do the first time around. She especially stands out because of how meticulous and into detail she is, and also because she is so early.

Today, about 15 minutes she was supposed to arrive, this babysitter texted me. When I see a text coming from a babysitter just before they are supposed to arrive, I immediately assume it’s because they are running late and want to give me the head’s up. In this case, it was the total opposite: she wanted to let me know that she would be “late” as in, she would not be able to make it to our house ten minutes early. And she apologized in advance.

This babysitter is amazing. She is so nice, so prompt, so attentive to detail. And the best part is that Kaia truly adores her. She’s the only babysitter who Kaia has actually asked to see again, and demanded that she come back the next weekend. Our other regular babysitter… is regularly late. And she rarely apologizes for being late and rarely gives a head’s up she will be late unless I text her to ask for her ETA. And to make matters worse, she just raised her rate by 20 percent — and at last minute notice just four days before she was supposed to come babysit. So, yes, all of this has definitely left a sour taste in my mouth.

We don’t get a babysitter very often given it’s not cheap — it probably evens out to about once a month (when we’re here), or even less. But this babysitter is definitely on the real favorites list.

Priorities in the ‘hood, according to my 4-year-old

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A school activity this week was to discuss what makes up the school community and the area around it. The kids were asked to name parts they notice and like, and to draw them. One kid mentioned the bank across the street. Another drew the bubble tea shop across the other street. And my Kaia Pookie called out the bakery next door and drew a picture of it.

Chris showed me the photos uploaded to her class site for the activity this week, as he knew I’d be excited to see that Kaia mentioned the bakery first. I immediately started beaming when I saw the photos of the kids’ illustrations and the class topic. But his commentary was not as pleased.

“I would’ve preferred that she did the bank,” Chris said. “Everyone needs money. Money buys the stuff at the bakery.”

“She’s our kid,” I insisted to him. “Of course she’s going to point out the bakery first! She loves bakeries (just like us)!”

“No money, no pastries!” Chris retorted back at me.

I don’t care what Chris says. Yes, his logic is correct that there would, in fact, be no pastries without money. But bakeries make Kaia Pookie happy like they make us happy, and it’s yet another sign that she is most definitely our child — or at least, mine.

Watching me as I leave – a sign of her love for me

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Kaia is in this cute phase as a 4-year-old where sometimes, she gets really sad and cries and screams when I leave. But other times, she really tries to be a “big girl” and be brave and watch me as I leave. She will wait for me at the door and watch me get into the elevator, waving to me, blowing me kisses, and say in a cheerful tone, “Bye bye, mama!” She was not a fan of my going to Raleigh this week, even though it was just for 24 hours. But I think she was less upset because I dropped her off at school that morning before heading to the airport. Whenever she is with her school friends, she is always less sad when I leave.

I’ve loved every stage of Kaia’s development for different reasons. I love that she is very communicative now. At every age she’s ever been, she’s always been very affectionate, cuddly, always wanting hugs and kisses. I feel very lucky that she’s very affectionate and loving. I think about it a lot. And when I think about it, I am happy she is still like this. It makes me feel very loved — loved in a way I never thought I needed. I truly embrace these moments of watching her blow me kisses and waving to me from the door… even if most days, it’s only because I am “leaving” to go down to the gym. These moments are full of love — her love for me, a daughter’s love for her mama. And one day sooner than I’d like, she will likely abandon this level of public affection. So I try to soak it up as much as I can and indulge her with as many cuddles and kisses as possible. She loves me so much, and I love her so much. And that makes the world feel so amazing.

Thumbs up, thumbs down

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When Kaia was learning different gestures, including sign language as a baby/toddler, she got most of them pretty quickly. She understood the meaning of them and embraced them. She especially loved signing “more” (isn’t that everyone’s favorite?). But one gesture that she absolutely refused to do for the longest time was “thumbs up.” Every time I tried to get her to do this, she’d shake her head rigorously and yell, “No!” She’d even cover up my thumb(s) and even refuse to see me doing the gesture.

It wasn’t until the last year or so when she finally gave in and started doing it. And when she does it, she especially loves to do a double thumbs up, and then do a “thumb hug,” which means that we tap our thumbs together and then try to wrap our thumbs around each other in a bit of a thumb embrace. For Kaia, “thumbs up” is not complete without this last shared step.

I explained to her at dinner this evening in Chinese that tomorrow, her mama would be leaving again to get on a plane to go to Raleigh. So tomorrow morning, I’d wake up earlier than usual to go work out, then Daddy would get her ready. And I would take her to school, but Daddy would pick her up that late afternoon and have dinner, shower her, read, and put her to bed. I let her know I’d be coming home later that evening.

Every time I tell Kaia multiple things at once, you can tell that she’s processing all the new information and trying to decide how she feels about it. She gives the “side up” look. Then in this instance, she started frowning.

“Hao ba? (Okay?)” I said to her.

Her frown became even more intense.

“No!” she yelled. “Bu hao! (NOT GOOD!)”

Then, as if on cue, she did a double thumbs down, and then motioned to me to match her two thumbs down.

Oh, well. At least she gets how to use thumbs up, thumbs down now!

The conflicts of parenthood

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When Kaia was a baby, I would occasionally feel a little jealous of Chris because I always felt like she preferred him. When she cried, he was usually more capable of calming her down than I was. Even when she cried for one of us, it definitely felt like she cried for him more or harder (to be fair, that could all have just been in my head). Then, I chocked it up to two things: 1) daddy-daughter bond, and 2) he did 90 percent of all her bottle feeds, while I pumped milk, so she likely associated food with her daddy. Maybe he actually was the better parent — who knows!

So now that Kaia is a bit older, she definitely has a sense of both of our different personalities and parenting styles, and she definitely knows what she can do and pull off (or not) with each of us. I am most definitely the softer one; Chris is the stricter one. I hate yelling unless it’s absolutely necessary for safety; Chris is quicker to yell (pros and cons for both). Since I am the softer one, Kaia tends to gravitate to me for a lot of things like brushing teeth (she knows I will play her a Chinese song she likes while completing this activity). She also prefers me when it comes to bathroom time (because I always yell out in Chinese how big her poop is, and she cannot get enough of this reaction :). And as of late, she seems very, very attached to me when I leave the house and she knows she is not coming with me.

She knows that I am going on a girls’ trip soon, and she knows that our friend visiting today and spending the night will be going with me. So Kaia kept asking about where we were going, what plane we were taking, what airlines we’d fly, and then asked if she could come with us. I reassured her that I’d be gone just a few days, and before she knew it, I’d be back. Tonight was my night to take her to do her dream-pee, and when I put her down in bed again, she started crying hysterically when I left the room. She stood up on her bed and just sobbed. I rushed back to the room, and she thought I had already left. I tried to calm her down, but every time I tried to leave after that, she would keep crying for me. So I tried (and failed) to gett her to fall asleep while I lied down next to her. She quickly passed out. I could hear her breathing more heavily. But then as soon as I opened the door to sneak out of her room, she started screaming and demanded I come back. And then, she ran over to me, opened the door even wider, and ran into our bedroom, right to my side of the bed, and lied there… taunting me.

I relented. I didn’t want her to disturb our sleeping friend in the living room too much. I also didn’t want even more broken sleep since we’d be traveling tomorrow. So she got what she wanted and slept next to me, all cuddly next to me, on my pillow, for the rest of the night.

I love cuddling with my Kaia Pookie. I really do. I love that she seems to always want me, always want my attention, presence, and cuddles. At the same time, it’s a constant conflict because while I want all her love, I also want me time, and “me time” means getting away from her and doing my own thing every now and then. As someone wise once said, “You can have it all…. just not all at the same time.” This sage statement can be interpreted in many ways, can’t it?