It’s been challenging to meet up with some friends and former colleague friends during this visit. Given that most companies are still having the majority of their employees work from home given the ongoing pandemic and the increasing number of Delta variant cases, few people have any incentive to even come into the city. Many former colleagues who once lived in the city moved into outer suburbs of San Francisco during the pandemic for more space. And because of that, they have no reason to come here, particularly downtown/the financial district: it felt like such an eerie ghost town to be walking along Mission and Market this trip. I felt foreign, alone in a city that was once always full of people walking up and down its streets in the busiest business area.

The friends I have plans to meet with and have met with all still live in the city. This afternoon, I visited a former manager and now friend who lives in Potrero Hill. First, I was blown away by how huge and monstrous his condo was. Then, I was saddened to hear that after his dad had suffered from an opioid addiction and taken his own life during the peak of COVID last year, my friend didn’t take the proper time for himself to heal and mourn. Instead, like most Type A people who work in tech startups, he just threw himself deeper and deeper into work. Earlier this year, I think all the stress and sadness of losing his dad so suddenly and unexpectedly manifested into physical health problems: he started developing symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, and his lung capacity decreased to a point where he could barely jog even a quarter of a mile without feeling short of breath or like he was going to collapse. This is particularly distressing and alarming for someone who was used to running 5-6 miles three to four times a week at a 9-minute-per-mile pace. He went to get tested, and the doctors said they didn’t have any explanation other than his mental health stress translating into physical health problems. He’s now considering taking some extended leave to take care of himself and his mind and body, and to spend more time with his wife and two young girls.

We all take our mental and physical health for granted when we think everything is going well. And when it’s going “well,” we naively believe we will always have normalcy. But when we don’t take care of ourselves, our bodies give us rude, painful reminders that, hey, they need love and care, as well. We forget that mental and physical health are intertwined, which results in awful episodes like this occurring. I can only hope my friend will really be serious about taking time off sooner rather than later before he starts developing any further negative symptoms. Work will take every little thing they can get out of you. But none of that will matter once we’re dead.

This morning, we went to the hospital for a full, detailed anatomy scan. These are usually done between 20-22 weeks of pregnancy, and they are just as detailed as you’d imagine: they’re basically taking pictures of every single organ, limb, finger, eye socket, genitalia that exists. They also take very zoomed in shots of the different chambers of the heart and sections of the brain to ensure proper development up until this stage. While it’s always exciting to be able to see the baby and watch her move (and she certainly does a LOT of that!), it’s not always that fun to have your stomach pressed on constantly and then to have a wand stuck up your vagina when they’re not able to get the proper pictures just from the abdominal ultrasound. The doctor had to come in towards the end because the original brain photos weren’t clear enough, and he pressed down HARD on my belly while also moving around a wand in my vagina. That was pretty miserable and I held my breath, hoping it would end soon. I was literally lying on that table for over an hour.

Well, the stars seemed to have aligned: baby’s development looks great, and the doctor says he has no concerns at all. They asked me to come back in 10 weeks at the 30-week mark to measure overall fetal growth. My little schnookums is doing quite well, maybe even a little too well with how active she is. She certainly loves touching her face and flipped a few times during the scan. She even stuck her feet up in her face!

On Friday, I went to my OB-GYN office for my scheduled 19-week appointment. There, I got to see my little baby on the ultrasound once again. She is still growing with a healthy heart, thankfully. The doctor measured the amount of liquid in the amniotic sac to ensure it was adequate and also checked her heart rate, which all looked good. We also got to see her move her hands around and even try to cover her face; it was as though she knew we were looking in and wanted to get away from us! “And there’s her little distinct nose; she’s so adorable!” the doctor exclaimed. Yes, the nose was quite distinct, even on this ultrasound screen which wasn’t super clear.

I go back in five weeks for my 24-week appointment, when I have to do the test I’ve dreaded this entire pregnancy: the glucose test. This is the test where, about an hour before my visit, I have to drink a bottle of this disgusting “glucola” solution, and when I come in, they draw my blood to test for gestational diabetes. If the test is negative, then YAY! Good news, and I can proceed as per usual with diet and level of activity. If the test is positive… well, that’s when I’ll be completely upset and terrified and have to prick my finger multiple times a day to check my blood sugar level and watch all refined carbs/sugar intake until I give birth. I’m hoping and hoping hard that I do not have it. I know a lot of women who have had it, and it’s really no fun AT ALL.

A week ago, when we were still in Oklahoma City getting ready to go out for the day, I went to use the bathroom and noticed a slow, bright red drip in the toilet. When I wiped, I saw bright red on the toilet paper. I froze, and my heart nearly stopped. All I did was stare into the toilet, looking at the bright red droplets and wondering what the hell was going on. How could I be bleeding? I just had my 16-week scan two days ago, and the doctor’s actual words out of his mouth were, “Everything looks perfect.” Am I having a late stage miscarriage? I couldn’t even think straight. We literally just told all of Chris’s aunts, uncles, and cousins that I’m pregnant the day before. How could this be happening?

I came out of the bathroom and told Chris that I didn’t know why, but I found blood in the toilet. He asked what the doctor said about this happening. I told him that for this entire pregnancy, I hadn’t had a single drop of spotting, so this wasn’t normal. Unless we’d had sex or my cervix had been irritated, there’s no reason for me to have any spotting. I went to get a panty liner from my backpack in case more blood came. He suggested I call my doctor, so I called, but it was too early, so I left a voice message asking for them to call me back. Chris did some quick searches for bleeding during pregnancy, then calmly reminded me that I just had a cervical exam at my scan just a day and a half ago, so maybe the bleeding was because of that.

Oh. I totally forgot that, I said to him. In my moment of panic, I had forgotten this procedure had been done so recently. He’s right. Maybe that IS what this was. But then my next thought was, why did the bleeding not happen immediately after and instead came two days later…?!

So during breakfast, I went to use the restroom again, and no blood came. There wasn’t even a drop on the panty liner when I checked it. And during our drive that morning, a nurse called back from the doctor’s office to ask about my symptoms. She asked some questions and I told her what I saw. She said that given the blood was bright red and only lasted one bathroom session, it was likely just due to my cervical exam two days before. If I felt any heavy abdominal cramping or fever, or if I had passed dark red blood that could soak a pad or big clotted blood, then it would be a concern, and I would need to see the doctor ASAP. She gave me the emergency number to call in case the bleeding continued but said this didn’t sound concerning.

When you go through nearly two years of trying to conceive and eventually have to resort to IVF to get pregnant, you’re never fully “out of the woods,” even after you’ve survived the first trimester. I know too many women who have had second trimester complications and miscarriages. I’m gradually loosening up and thinking about planning for the future, but I’m still holding my breath a little. I just can’t get too comfortable.

On our connecting flight en route to Oklahoma on Thursday, Chris and I were getting seated on the plane, and while he was talking to me, I felt what could very much be characterized as a kick in my abdomen. My face scrunched up, and he asked me what was wrong. And I told him, “I think I just got kicked… hard.” I was just over 16 weeks at the time, and according to most pregnancy guides, they say that from week 14 onward, it’s normal to feel fluttering, bubbling, or gas-like sensations that usually have nothing to do with indigestion, but are actually your fetus’s movements. At this stage, the fetus is only about 4.5-5 ounces in weight and maybe about 4-5 inches in length. So it was strange that I had that sensation, but also exciting. I can’t believe I can actually feel my baby regularly now! It really does feel magical, as corny and cliche as it sounds.

I cannot believe I am in week 16 of pregnancy. Every morning I wake up, and I’m so grateful to be pregnant, to have had no complications to date other than the vanished twin. It honestly just feels like a miracle to me every single day that I am pregnant. Fingers crossed that things will continue to progress smoothly.

A few things I’ve noticed about myself since getting pregnant:

*Stretch marks around both hips

*Rapidly growing nails and hair

*Sensitivity to and sometimes total disgust of certain fish smells, both raw and cooked

*Near immediate bloating when drinking some carbonated drinks, like kombucha

*Sensitive and increasingly heavy-feeling breasts (which are obviously growing)

Food cravings to date:

*Matzo ball soup, egg salad, bagels (this must be the inner converted Jew in me since I’ve lived in New York for 13 years now)

*Rice noodles, especially the flat ones… or really noodles of all types; beef chow fun/gan chao niu he especially

*BREAD, especially sourdough — the Bourke Street Bakery special for Father’s Day, the bacon, garlic confit, and sage sourdough REALLY hit the spot

*GRAPEFRUIT — this is probably the most refreshing fruit I’ve had during pregnancy, the one where my mouth literally waters every time I have a bite. Interestingly enough, it’s been far more satisfying to eat a grapefruit anytime this period vs. a mango, which is supposed to be my favorite fruit… I feel like I’ve almost cheated on mangoes with just this feeling.

As pregnancy has progressed, my breasts have really taken on a life of their own. Not only have I been unable to recognize them in the mirror sometimes, but they’ve also been growing and have taken on their own sensitivities. In the last couple of weeks when I’ve woken up, the first thought I have based on how it feels to physically get out of bed is “Ughhhhhhhhh, why do my boobs feel so HEAVY?!” It finally got to a point where I decided I needed to wear a bra to sleep, so I started wearing one of my more supportive sports bras to sleep. Sleeping with a bra is fine as long as it doesn’t have an underwire, and as I’ve learned through reading different pregnancy guides and sites, underwires are really all pregnant/postpartum women’s worst enemies.

I finally decided to purchase some maternity/nursing bras today and stop putting off buying maternity wear given the breasts have been crying out for help, so I purchased three of these bras that are supposed to expand with me. We’ll see how it goes. When people generally think of pregnancy, they think of all the baby-related things to buy, but they don’t necessarily think of all the things the growing, pregnant mom needs. I’m trying to be practical about what I purchase, at least as much as possible, because I want to minimize the things I can wear/use only while pregnant and at least ensure I can use them postpartum/during nursing, and with clothing, that it can be used even while out of the pregnant/postpartum period if possible. It’s not going to be possible for things like belly bands unfortunately, but hopefully with most other things, they can be multi-functional.