Monthly Archives: April 2022

Baby wearing 

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In a city that is as populated and dense as New York City, sometimes, taking around a stroller is not necessarily the most convenient thing. It is annoying to take a stroller up and down stairs, particularly in Subway stations. Not all of the station entrances are accessible, and when I say that, what I really mean is, most are not. Stations usually have signs that tell you where the wheelchair accessible entrances are (assuming there is one at all…) and they are usually annoying to get to. And don’t even get me started on the fact that many of the elevators for the stations smell like pee mostly because of the homeless people who use them. Then, there are stores like Trader Joe’s that tend to have all of their items packed into small aisles along with large customer bases. That also makes it less convenient to push the stroller around. Given that this is the situation, sometimes, if you need to take your baby to a certain place, it’s just easier not to take the stroller at all and instead, to wear the baby.

We got gifted four different baby wearing carriers: the Hana Baby, the baby K’Tan, the KeaBabies wrap carrier I picked out for our registry, and the automatic Ergobaby carrier. All of these except the one that I picked out for our registry were hand-me downs that my friend had given me. She said that all of them were way too complicated for her to figure out, and she got very frustrated right away, and so she thought that I might have better luck. Well, after trying to use the Hana baby just once, I immediately gave up on it and gave it to another friend who is expecting her first in May. That was basically just like a long piece of cloth… And I did not feel very confident in securely carrying my baby around in it. The Baby K’Tan was a little better. I took Kaia out in it a few times to Whole Foods, but the second time that I did it, her butt got a little bit loose on the bottom, so I ended up having to hold her on the bottom just in case because I was getting paranoid. The Ergobaby carrier seemed like it was too big for her. But it wasn’t until another friend showed me how to use it that I actually realized that if we adjusted some of the settings on it, she would actually be just right for it. This baby carrier is supposed to grow with your baby, just that you have to know how to adjust the settings. 

And so that leaves me with the KeaBabies wrap. It seemed really straightforward when I watch the video when choosing a wrap to put on our registry. And when I put the baby in it for the very first time, she felt very snug and secure. I felt comfortable walking around with her in it. However, as with all of these baby wraps, all of these take some getting used to an understanding the most optimal way to get your baby into it. You really have to be careful and make sure that the baby’s bottom is always supported, and that their head is okay and she can breathe. With the KeaBabies wrap, the baby’s butt has to go directly into the bottom of the X shape that you cross the wrap in. Then, there is an additional piece of cloth that keeps her even more secure and supported that you pull up. We used this for the second time with our baby this weekend to take her to Queens for the very first time. It was also the very first time that we took her on the subway. Chris did not want to deal with pushing around a stroller, especially given that the birthday party location was so close to the subway station in forest hills, so he carried the car seat just in case she needed a place to sleep or we needed to take a car back, and I wore the baby in the wrap to and from. 

She didn’t seem to mind the noise or the commotion of the train. She was not always that comfortable in the wrap because we didn’t have it put on correctly the first time. But after some moving around, she eventually fell asleep and she got very comfortable. Seeing that I was clearly wearing a baby on me, people on the train were very kind and kept on offering the receipt to me. I actually didn’t need a seat for a lot of the train trip to Queens because she just wanted the movement, which was why I kept on walking up and down the car. But it’s nice to know that people actually do care and want to help. It reminded me of when I was pregnant and people were always offering their seats to me. As I have always said to people who do not live in New York City, New Yorkers really do care about each other. They actually do look out for each other, and when they see something, they do say something. It’s always why I have thought that New Yorkers have a bad rap when it comes to this stereotype that they are supposedly rude.

I think I probably just need more practice using the wrap and putting her into it. Baby wearing is definitely a lot more convenient than pushing a stroller around, especially in New York City.

When a nanny tries to lecture you to win you over (hint: immediate no-go)

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A nanny who seemed promising on Mommy Bites spent a good 40 minutes on the phone with me the other day. I wasn’t quite sure if I liked her or not, but thought she was competent enough to at least do a trial with. She also had extensive baby nurse background with her training and previous work, which to me sounded like a huge plus. What we were finding with nannies we were talking to and trialing is that most are rusty or just totally out of practice with babies specifically. She had a few red flags, though: she asked way too many questions about paid vacation vs. unpaid time off given Chris and I do not have our families nearby. She complained about families who decided out of the blue that the mom wanted to stay at home full time, or families who switched to daycare after just 6-8 months of having her as a full-time nanny (what, families aren’t allowed to change their minds…?!). She said she only had one reference she wanted me to call (I always ask for three and call all three). I’ve asked all nanny candidates to show me a copy of their COVID-19 vaccination card, and all have complied… until this one. When she said she wasn’t comfortable sharing it other than in person, I asked if she could show me her Excelsior pass since she’s a stranger, and I have to protect my family. This was her response:

“Hi yvonne I understand that you’re asking me for the code if I’m not quite understand but it’s all sound the same thing as asking for me to send a copy of the card, like I said in my text last night we can meet in person then you can see the copy of my vaccination card until then I do not give out my vaccination card to anyone unless I’m being hired . We decide to move forward I can say it when we meet in person . I know that you said that all the babysitters have done that and some of them do not know the right in a America.”

If you want to lecture me about your rights in America over text, I not only do not want to employ you; I want nothing to do with you at all, period.

Using religion as a cloak for the real driver: money

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I was prepared to get rejected by a nanny at some point. I just didn’t think it would be this soon. This morning, as I was on another call screening another potential nanny candidate, Eroline, the nanny who rejected us, texted me. I was curious why she was texting, so after I got off the call, I looked at her message, which read like this:

“Good morning Yvonne i hope Kaya gum is feeling much better today. And all of you are in good health this wanderful morning. I forgot to tell you why i chose the other family they are willing to pay my tax. As it said in the Bible gives back to  Caesar . I wish you all the best my love. Agape ❤🙏”

So, while she originally told me over the phone that she chose the other family because she prayed to Jehovah, who pointed her in the direction of the other family, the REAL reason she chose the other family was that they were willing to compensate her the difference to ensure that her take home pay was higher than she originally asked to get paid. This is just what really religious people do: they use religion as an excuse for their actions when the real reason that motivates them is what motivates most human beings in a capitalist society: MONEY.

I don’t like to play games. I don’t enjoy bidding wars. If you want to get paid something, just say that’s your rate. If someone tells me her rate is $20/hour, I go with exactly that and pay her $20/hour. I’m not sitting there, noodling over whether I should proactively offer $21 or $22/hour to “win” her over. I hate that crap. I’m not a mind reader. Just be upfront about what you want! When did clear communication become so difficult?!

When a nanny rejects you

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After having two terrible nanny trials, I had high hopes for Wednesday’s trial nanny. She was very bubbly and outgoing when we spoke over video, and her references just raved about her. They even said she was an amazing cook and would cook for the whole family. This person HAD to be good, right?

Well, she wasn’t just good… she was great. She followed all our instructions. She filled out the baby log book. She got on the floor with Kaia and showed her how to roll and every time I looked over, she was getting Kaia to do tummy time. She was enthusiastic and sang, read books, showed her colors and textures. This nanny clearly loved babies. She was great at soothing Kaia and pivoting when needed. Kaia actually had not one but two teething tantrums while this nanny was here, and the nanny handled both well. She also did a thorough job bathing her. I texted her after she left and asked for her email address where we could send a sample contract to.

Well, this didn’t work out. This morning, she apparently signed a contract with another family she had done a trial with weeks ago. She said she prayed to Jehovah last night when we both messaged her around the same time and asked him to point her in the right direction. And so she decided on the other family. She called this afternoon to let me know and thank me for the opportunity to care for my sweet, precious baby.

I was crushed. We were immediately back at zero… AGAIN. The first promising nanny we had, and she was saying no… to US. SERIOUSLY? I made her oyster butter noodles, peeled her mandarins, and cut her a mango!

“Stop cutting mangoes for these people!” Chris exclaimed. “You can cut them all you want once they get hired, but stop giving my mangoes to these people who aren’t going to last!”

Since when did the mangoes in this house become his mangoes…?

Getting ready for baby’s bedtime

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Kaia’s last feed of the day is at 8pm now. Chris feeds and burps her, and then he hands her off to me so that I can sing and rock her to sleep. Occasionally, she needs my boob as a “finisher” before she falls asleep. Since I don’t nurse her a lot anymore unless it’s to soothe or calm her, I look forward to this quiet evening time when it’s just the two of us in the bedroom together.

The last few nights, I’ve felt sad… sad that I know I’ll have to go back to work in less than a month, sad that the last four months have flown by so quickly, sad that she’s growing so fast right before my eyes and that all these little quiet moments with her will soon become a distant memory, only able to be revisited via videos and photos that I take. I hold her tight before putting her down in her bassinet each night and remind her how much I love her. I whisper in her little ear that mommy and daddy love her so, so much. I’m happy to see her growing and now actually starting to outgrow her 0-3 month clothes, but sad that it feels like she’s just growing too fast. Sometimes, I just want to freeze time and savor this moment of her, right here and now. My baby is just growing so fast, too fast.

When a full-day nanny trial ends after 1 hour.

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Today’s trial ended after an hour. I sent this trial nanny on her merry way home with a $20 bill.

We agreed to a full day trial from 10am to 8pm. I texted her to confirm all the details and debriefed all the expectations on a call. I asked her if she had any questions. She said she was good to go.

She arrived promptly at 10am and seemed very stiff. After giving her a tour of the apartment, she told me that she needs to leave by 6pm; if she were to stay until 8pm, we’d need to pay for her cab ride back home to Far Rockaway. “This area is dangerous, and a lot of bad things are happening with the train,” she said.

Ummmm, I told her that we agreed to have her stay until 8pm. She said it was fine originally. It clearly wasn’t, yet she didn’t want to tell me that over the phone. I was not paying for her cab ride home. And I did not appreciate her lack of communication.

Clearly Kaia was not a fan. She is always happy after her 10am feed, yet with this trial nanny, she cried endlessly until I took her from the woman. The trial nanny said my baby just doesn’t like her because she’s a stranger.

No, my baby does not get stranger danger. She’s way too young for that. She lets everyone hold her.

I told the trial nanny that clear communication was key, and that she definitely was not going to be a fit because of this, and that she should leave. She washed the bottle she fed Kaia with, used the bathroom, took my $20 bill, and left.

We’re already 0 for 2 now. This is going to be a very, very painful process.

“Babies sense when there are bad people around,” my friend said. “Kaia probably knew this nanny was bad.”

Probably. That’s a good baby.

Nanny wars

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After the first nanny trial did not go well, I told my friend, who I made plans to see downtown on Tuesday during our second trial, that I probably was not going to be able to meet her that far away. I needed to be closer and only run quick errands when the trials were happening in order to observe and make notes on what was good and bad.

One of the nannies is being a little annoying. I asked her if we could schedule a quick call to debrief on expectations for Saturday, when she is scheduled to come. She kept saying how busy she was between other interviews and said she’d try to call me when she was free. She texted late last night to ask if I was free; I was in bed, and there was no way I was getting out to talk to her. Is she constantly telling me about her other interviews as a way to prep me for a potential bidding war on her?

I’m NOT dealing with a bidding war on a nanny. There is no way I’m going to allow something like that to happen. The wage she asked for is what we are sticking with.

First nanny trial

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Today was the first nanny trial, and it was… not good. She is NOT someone I would entrust caring for my baby, even in the next room. Here are the notes:

  1. Not comfortable with mixing formula – she was a deer with headlights when I asked if she’d done this before.
  2. Forgot to change diaper before 5pm feed until I asked her.
  3. Did not read signs of fatigue to put down for nap; she actually refused to let the baby nap when she was clearly showing signs that she was tired!
  4. Confused spit up for throw up. These are NOT the same thing.
  5. Too much holding and not enough engagement
  6. Did not read signs of pre-teething to soothe even though she was warned
  7. Bath was too cold and not enough water
  8. Did not write meticulous notes on feeds, poops and pees as I requested; forgot the amounts she fed baby and asked ME how much the baby ate.

Out-of-town visitors

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We had my friend, her husband, and their baby come visit us this weekend. I also got to catch up with my friend one on one over tea, and that was nice and relaxing. It was also just nice to get out of the apartment and dress up a little bit while also just not being completely baby focused… Or focused on finding a nanny. I honestly never really thought about how time-consuming finding a nanny would be, but alas, here I am. Finding a nanny is nearly a full-time job in itself.

It’s funny when you think about how the dynamics change once you have kids. I always knew about this and was aware about this in theory, but in practice, it’s definitely something that you have to get used to. When my friend originally booked this trip, she said that she and her husband could have done so many things without the baby if she had left the baby at home with her mom… But she really wanted her baby to come to meet my baby. She wanted to do things like Broadway shows, museums, afternoon tea… We compromised and we did afternoon tea and left the babies with our husbands. But the Broadway show was never going to happen because her baby gets stranger danger, so even when I offered to babysit, she said that there was no way her baby was going to let that happen. My friend is also someone who rarely checks luggage unless she is traveling internationally and plans to buy a lot of things, but on this trip, they checked a bag because of all of the things that they have to take with them because of their baby.

While all of this can be annoying and at times frustrating, as my former night nurse always said… All of these things last for a finite time, and then they eventually end. So while we can be frustrated at not being able to see a show or have a tasting menu when we have our baby with us, our baby is only going to be a baby for a set amount of time. And that time will eventually end. I am already looking at videos and pictures of my baby when she was a newborn and comparing them to how big she is now. And it already makes me a little bit sad to see how quickly she has grown as well as how quickly time has flown. She was once this teeny tiny baby in my arms (or, really, HANDS at that point!) who barely weighed 6 pounds. Now, she is definitely double that weight. I am trying to cherish every moment as much as I possibly can. Soon, she will no longer be a baby I can hold in my arms.

the dilemma of being a working mom

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I always imagined being a working mom. Being a stay at home mom was never something I envisioned for myself for multiple reasons: my mom always said it was important to stand on my own two feet and to not rely on a man for money. That’s why she always worked after she had Ed and me. And she’s right for multiple reasons: if your husband is an asshole and tyrannizes you about spending because he earns the money and you do the unpaid work that he doesn’t value, well, that doesn’t put you in a good position. But the other “in case of emergency” situation people think less about can happen: men die earlier than women on average, and so if your working husband randomly drops dead of a heart attack and you have been out of the workforce for, what, 3-5 years, it’s going to be THAT much harder for you to re-enter the workforce to support your kids and yourself. I also want to set the example to my child that women can work outside of the home and do things other that what is stereotypically considered “women’s work.”

Now that I’m in the situation where I am about to return to work, though, I’m definitely feeling all kinds of emotions. My first thought was: I’m going to hire a nanny, and eventually a daycare center, to witness all my child’s developmental milestones before I do?? I am going to go back to work in order to pay a lot of money to a random stranger to care for my child? It was a bit of a mind fuck: really? Most of my earnings are going towards THAT as an expense?? Something just didn’t feel right about this.

I hate that this is even a feeling I am having. I have to go back to work after about 20 weeks of leave, which is way way more than the average American woman gets. But it’s far, far less than what working moms in other western countries get: my friend in the U.K. had 13 months off, and she didn’t think it was enough. Another friend had her first child in Amsterdam and had seven months of leave. Moms in Australia get a full 12 months. It just didn’t feel right, and I’m trying to accept this as my reality. I never thought it would be this hard to mentally wrap my head around this before I became a mom. It’s not that I don’t want to go back to work or ever seriously considered being a stay-at-home mom. I do want to go back to work to have something to focus on other than my child. I also don’t really want to get tyrannized for not making money from my husband or anyone else; even jokes would be half-jokes because guess what… we live in a world that devalues childcare as well as work that doesn’t bring dollars in. It just makes me sad and a bit emotional to think I have to leave my baby with someone else during the majority of the week, even when I will be working at home in the next room.

But having these thoughts and emotions makes me feel even more for stay-at-home moms who give up their paid work and careers to raise their children, to be there for them every step of the way. Even when society devalues them, even when their parents or in-laws or spouses talk down to them because they don’t value the actual work they do, they still give their all to their babies. It’s a hard life regardless of whether you are a working mom or an unpaid working mom. The demands of motherhood never end regardless of which path you choose.