Monthly Archives: December 2021

Dumb shit that people will say to you postpartum

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It doesn’t seem to matter what point in your life you are at with trying to conceive, being pregnant, or being postpartum — people will always manage to say stupid shit to you that is insensitive, stupid, uneducated/ignorant, and/or not helpful or supportive. Some of these comments are well meaning, but they really just do not help at all, nor do they make you feel good or better about your current situation.

After learning that I had given birth vaginally, my mom raved over how “easy” and “simple” I had it since I didn’t have to go through a c-section or a c-section recovery. “You are SO lucky,” my mom said, partly happy for me and partly resentful about the two c-sections she had. She kept saying this over and over on pretty much every single call as though I didn’t hear it the first time she said it. Seriously? Just because I had a vaginal birth does NOT mean my labor was “easy” or “simple,” nor does it mean that I won’t have pain postpartum. What the fuck? I was in labor for TWENTY FIVE hours, and NINE of those hours I had nearly non stop contractions. Who is she to tell me that I had it “easy”??

Then, my mother-in-law made similar dumb comments. She called my birth “easy” because it was vaginal and said multiple times that I would forget the pain from labor because of the sweet bundle I brought home. Okay, let’s all not be delusional here: while I am extremely grateful and feel blessed that my baby was born healthy and is home now, I have NOT forgotten how intense and painful labor was, nor will I ever forget the extreme agony I was in. Then, she continues to make comments about how she hopes that the two of us are getting “plenty of rest” or sleep given we hired a night nurse.

Yes, it’s true that we are getting more sleep on average with help via a night nurse. That does NOT mean I am getting adequate or “plenty” of sleep… because what parents of a newborn in this world are getting plenty of sleep unless they have chosen to 100 percent formula feed their baby and hand them off to help, whether that is by a family member or hired help???

I’ve also gotten comments from some friends regarding whether I regretted having an unmedicated birth. Given I was mobile within two hours of giving birth and have been able to do most things around the house unassisted, why the hell would I have WANTED an epidural in hindsight, which would have prolonged my overall recovery?? And given I am more mobile, that also means Chris needs to help me with fewer things, so he’s likely happy that I went unmedicated in the end, as well!

Chinese medicine and more mother criticism

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“Why haven’t you made the soup I told you to make? You won’t heal properly from giving birth and you won’t make enough milk for baby to eat unless you have this soup! This is why you are so tired; if you have this soup, you won’t be tired anymore!”

My mom is referring to the traditional Chinese medicine soup known as ji jiu tang, literally translated as “chicken wine soup,” which is a well known postpartum Chinese soup that Chinese mothers drink regularly after giving birth to help their bodies recuperate, which also supposedly helps with milk production. There is obviously no science or data to back up any of these claims, but hey, what postpartum mom is going to reject having a tasty, nourishing chicken-based soup?

My aunt was so kind and sweet that she actually priority-mail sent me all the ingredients (minus the chicken and ginger, obviously) to make the soup. She told me over text how to make it with very very detailed instructions (e.g. “a little of this,” “a handful of that,” “not too much of this but just enough”). I just hadn’t gotten around to making it just yet.

I insisted to my mom that I was tired and sleep deprived, that I’m eating plenty of other healthy things (oatmeal every morning with flaxseed, greens, etc.), that I will get around to making the soup soon when I could. She then asked that if I can’t make the soup, why can’t Chris make the soup? Yeah, like THAT is going happen.

“Well, what else is Chris doing? He’s not doing anything to help,” she said out of nowhere.

I really got pissed at this comment; she has absolutely NO idea how helpful Chris has been since the baby was born. I told her he was doing literally everything else around the house other than breastfeeding, and she retorted back, “Yeah? Like what? What IS he doing?”

To even respond to that would, as usual, be useless, so I just told her she had no idea what she was talking about and told her I was tired and needed to go, and hung up. That’s the nice thing about having distance; you can just hang up and not deal with an overbearing, unrealistic mom who thinks that some random Chinese soup is going to be a replacement for actual SLEEP.

Hovering mother and outdated parenting best practices

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My mom has been ecstatic ever since Kaia was born, but what that has also meant is that she is also trying to call 3-4 times every single day, which has driven me crazy and also meant that I now just have to ignore most of her calls. She was so happy when I called from the hospital last Friday to let her know Kaia was born that she cried happy tears; my mom NEVER cries happy tears.

Given she was a parent of a previous generation, obviously parenting “best practices” were very different then vs. now. So of course, she has something critical to say about literally every photo I send:

“Why are you wrapping her so tight (referring to her swaddle)? She will suffocate and won’t be able to breathe!”

“Why is her chest exposed (break from skin to skin)? She will catch a cold and get sick!”

“Why doesn’t she have any blankets in her bed (bassinet)? Give her some blankets for sleeping! Why don’t you have any blankets for her?? You should at LEAST cover her feet!”

Trying to explain to my mom that “rules” have changed for how to take care of a baby is completely futile because she will always insist that she is right, has more experience, and has more wisdom. Let’s just ignore that one of her children is now dead. Of course, she fought with me on all my rebuttal points for the above inane comments, and I just shut her down by telling her that I don’t have time to listen to her outdated criticisms. I am this child’s mom and I will parent as I see fit. And part of that means making sure the baby has safe sleep and does NOT have blankets in her sleep space.

When you are starving your child and don’t realize it

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When a baby is born, within the first 24 hours, she will typically lose up to 10 percent of her body weight (due to water), and this is considered normal. Kaia lost about 7 percent of her weight at discharge, so all looked pretty good. However, babies are also supposed to regain that weight within the first two weeks of life. We had our follow-up pediatrician appointment today, just about a week after her birth, where we found out that not only did she not even begin to regain her weight, but she pretty much had totally flatlined… meaning she was not eating enough.

What could be wrong? I thought to myself. She’s clearly not eating enough, which means she’s not getting enough milk from my breasts. Is something wrong with my supply? Why is there something wrong with my milk supply if supply is the issue; I’m a new mom. Isn’t it basically supposed to be gushing in now? Does she need more formula?

Pediatrician appointments in the first few months of a baby’s life basically feel like a scorecard for you as a parent: you are essentially getting judged on how well you are raising and growing your child whether you like it or are aware of it or not. I felt pretty shitty leaving this appointment, thinking I was starving my child without even being aware of it, and now I need to be more open to giving her formula whether I like it or not. Because.. this isn’t just about me, right? Her health is of the utmost concern, and she needs to grow to be healthy and get stronger.

Favorite time of the day

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It’s day five of family leave for me, and as hard as it’s been coping with little sleep, I have never felt happier or more fulfilled. My favorite time of day is when it’s the three of us in bed in the mid morning, after Chris and I have both showered and we’re sitting up with baby Kaia, with her doing skin to skin on one of our chests. I keep looking at her and looking at her lying on top of Chris’s chest, and I just still cannot believe she is here with us and that I’m no longer pregnant. These moments make me so happy; I’ve even cried just standing there, admiring our little family in bed together. She seems to be a morning person, as she seems the most awake and interactive in the mornings despite being a newborn. I could probably spend all day just staring at her and breastfeeding her and be totally content, despite the fact that I have postpartum pain and am totally sleep deprived. Nothing is better than admiring our new little family to me right now.

Marriage as a team

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Ever since I got pregnant, it’s almost like my mom has used it as an excuse to have a reason to complain about how “useless” my dad was. “Your baba is good at making money and providing supplies and things needed for the house, but he didn’t do ANYTHING to help me when you and Ed were born!” she recounted numerous times. “I had to do EVERYTHING myself!” Well, I know that’s not 100 percent true because she had the help of my aunt and my grandma, but I do know for a fact that my dad is clueless about child rearing. I still recall the time when my friend came over with her 6-month old baby and plopped her into my dad’s arms. She did it so fast that he pretty much had no choice but to hold her, otherwise the baby would fall. He looked so unbelievably awkward and out of place holding a baby that I had to hold in my laughs to prevent him from getting mad at me. As soon as he could, he gave the baby back to my friend as though she was a an oversized hot potato.

That was a different generation, though. Most dads of my generation, at least the friends and partners of friends I have, see child-rearing as a joint effort from both partners. Both partners take care of diapers, baths, feeding (assuming bottle), and they make it work together as though they are a team. I’d always been a bit apprehensive of falling into gender roles with having a child, as that’s the easy thing to do. I’d also seen endless articles and social media posts that more or less have the theme of “How Not to Hate Your Husband/male partner After Having a Baby.” But in the few days since coming home from the hospital, it’s clear that Chris and I are managing this as a joint effort, as he’s been doing pretty much everything other than breast-feeding: he logs all the baby’s feeds, poops, and pees; he heats up and rehydrates all my heat packs for my breasts and uterus; he takes care of the baby’s bottles; he’s been doing all the grocery shopping; he takes care of all the logistics and the snacks for our night nurse. Everyone says that once you have a newborn, it’s pretty much impossible to take a regular-length shower or even brush your teeth. Well, we’ve both managed to do this and coordinate who is doing what when, and it’s been working out well so far.

“Once you have a baby, you’re more like a team playing a sport than husband and wife!” my doorman told me. “All you do is coordinate and tag team, and that’s your new life!” All I have to say is that this definitely feels true, and I am just grateful to have a partner like Chris who has been really supportive, approaching parenthood together and aiding in my postpartum recovery.. even though he does say (joke) that he has to recover from birth, as well, since he has his own “postpartum recovery.” He even went out to get me prune juice and checks in on whether I am drinking it, since the nurses at Lenox Hill suggested I take that instead of over the counter meds for pooping postpartum. He’s also been the brain in our relationship since giving birth since I clearly have a severe case of “mommy brain,” and he says that I “can’t remember shit.”

Well, mommy brain IS real. I can personally attest to this.

What postpartum really looks like

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All the nurses really emphasized not only making sure that baby was well taken care of and fed, but that mom was prioritizing mom and mom’s recovery. I really had the best care with nurses at Lenox Hill and am so grateful for all their kindness and support, in addition to their hoarding endless supplies for me to take home (which is apparently against official hospital policy, but like I care?). They advised me to do sitz baths to take care of my healing vagina and rectum, to apply heat pads to my breasts before breast feeding, as well as to my stomach during and after breast feeding since feeding baby would cause my uterus to contract. This was actually a good thing, as this meant that breast feeding would “tell” my uterus to contract and reduce down to pre-pregnancy size. The bad news here, though, is that those contractions would feel like menstrual contractions, and thus would likely be painful. They also suggested using nipple butter, shea butter, or lanolin on my nipples post feeding and pumping, and to walk around with my breasts out to “air” out my nipples to prevent cracking or pain.

And that rectum pain can be felt in ways I didn’t even think about. In the days after baby’s birth, it hurt down there every time I coughed, sneezed, or laughed. The sneezing caused the worst pain; I wasn’t sure if something was going to come out of my anus, whether it was poop or something else! I hoped this wouldn’t last too long.

Postpartum is not sexy. It does not look Instagram or social media ready at all and is anything but glamorous. So, Chris took a photo of me post feeding the baby, and this is basically what it looks like: heat pads on both breasts and my stomach, as well as my sitting on that inflatable butt cushion the nurses gave me and on top of the couch. A filled to the top water bottle is on a stool next to me. The baby is on the side of me in her lounger. This is definitely what postpartum looks like.

When the gifts flood in

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Since we let family and friends know of Kaia’s birth, the number of gifts that have been delivered, not to mention the cash gifts that have been sent, have been completely unprecedented. Neither of us is used to getting this many gifts, and it was obvious how much excitement was around this baby’s birth given the number of package notifications we kept receiving from the building. She has had endless clothes, blankets, bathing sets, stuffed animals, and children’s books sent her way, some of which were even personalized. And some very thoughtful gift givers even gave gifts for us new parents, including cupcakes, cake, champagne, and cheese. While I was initially worried that she didn’t have enough 0-3 month clothes, now, I clearly no longer need to worry about that because endless tiny onesies and 0-3 month outfits were sent to the point where now, I don’t even think we’ll be able to have her wear all of them, especially the ones that are more meant for summer time (courtesy of her Aussie family in the Southern hemisphere, where it is currently summer).

Since she was low birth weight given her gestational age, she can’t even fit the 0-3 month clothes yet, and the two newborn Christmas onesies I got her are even a bit too small, which made me feel a bit sad. She is so unbelievably cute, but because of her size, she seems so fragile to me. I want her to fatten up and gain weight ASAP so that she can at least fit some of her clothes. I have no idea if she is gaining weight right now, but it’s normal for her to lose weight (up to 10%) immediately post birth. She needs to regain that weight by 2 weeks, though, so that’s our goal now.

When baby comes home

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The first two nights with baby home were pretty reasonable given all the nightmare stories I’d heard of newborns with first-time parents. It obviously helped having our night nurse with us overnight for the first two nights, so night three was when we’d be on our own. It made me a little nervous, and like most first-time parents, SIDS was on the very back of my mind. Every time we put her down to sleep, I felt a bit weird and just wanted to watch her for at least five minutes to make sure she was not in a position to potentially get face down or suffocate herself on the side of the bassinet. Even though Chris said nothing, I could tell he felt a bit wary, too, every time we put her down. Somehow, this is not really a worry of mine during the day even when she sleeps during the day obviously. Newborns usually sleep 15-17 hours per day, with the rest of the time spent eating and occasionally getting to know the world around them, plus their limbs. Night time always feels scarier.

A colleague messaged me to ask how things were going. I told her I was having a little back of mind anxiety about putting her down at night. This colleague has a 5-year old and an 8-month old at home. “Honestly, I still feel nervous, and my oldest is 5 years old. I still check to see she is breathing now!” she messaged me back. “It does get easier, but those freak incidents do worry me, so I still check even though it sounds crazy.”

Being a parent is always full of uncertainty and some level of worry. I just need to keep calm and do the best I can with what is within my control.

The first poop and pee post birth – for me, not the baby.

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Everyone warned me that the first pee and poop post giving birth would be brutal. A small number of moms had told me that their first poop was more excruciating than labor, which absolutely terrified me. I even heard one nightmarish story of a woman who pooped not just actual poop… but a part of her UTERUS. And she almost tried to pull it out!!

I hoped for the best, though, as I felt quite good after birthing Kaia and was able to get up on my feet within a couple hours of pushing her out. I was also more optimistic about it since I had taken no medication, as I was told an epidural would have made the poop/pee even more challenging for me. All of the nurses were shocked when they heard I hadn’t had any medication at all and no epidural. It was like a feat, they said, and congratulated me for how brave and strong I was. They were initially weirded out when they saw how mobile I was, bending down and walking around without assistance, so it made more sense when they heard I had no meds.

So when I finally braved out the bathroom trip, of course it was a pee for me. The nurse gave me a peri spray bottle and told me to fill it with warm water and to spray it on myself as I peed as well as after. It would remove any stinging and make any pain more tolerable, she said. I went to the bathroom with the peri bottle and did my thing. Well… at least, I tried. It took me at least 10-15 minutes to finally get the pee out. And it came out slowly, initially as a drip, and finally as a general spray. It was SCARY. I was like, is just pee coming out, or is anything ELSE going to come out, as well…?! I knew I just had to be patient with myself and not rush any bathroom trips, as if I did, it could mean hemorrhaging or other postpartum complications.

This is the crap no one really tells you openly about child birth – exactly how long it takes to recover not just in your vagina/urethra area, but also your rectum. My rectum was sorer than sore, and sitting down really hurt after. It just feels like a massive bruise, ALL OVER down there. Luckily, the nurses packed an insane amount of stuff (this stuffed a carry-on luggage, my Lo and Sons bag, and two massive shopping bags to the brim!) to take care of both baby and me, even including a sitz bath to place on top of the toilet to help my nether region healing, as well as an inflatable butt cushion to put everywhere I sat. And I would put both to very good use.