Women go through a lot of crap in their lives, particularly if they have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. While most people are aware of the pains and annoyances of pregnancy, not many people, other than those who have actually experienced it themselves, are aware of all the postpartum side effects that women face. Of course, while most logical and reasonably aware people would know that childbirth would require your uterus and vagina to heal, it is less well known that postpartum hormones can really go haywire after the birth of a child. Some of the potential things that can happen can include but are not limited to:  hot flashes, cold night sweats, mood swings, acne, hair loss, and a massively itchy scalp. Oh, that massively itchy scalp is actually affecting me literally as I write this.

A bunch of my friends and colleagues warned me about postpartum hair loss. This tends to be most common about 3 to 4 months after giving birth when most of the pregnancy hormones have left your body, and your body is starting to regulate once again into a non-pregnant body. If that happens, your hair can suddenly start falling out in huge clumps. While I have not yet experienced any hair loss that is notable, fingers crossed, I have repeatedly experience a scalp that is so itchy that all I want to do is scratch it until I bleed. And the most annoying part is that whenever it gets super itchy, it’s when I am supposed to be resting. 

When I actually have a quiet moment and can lie down and not use my arms or hands at all, that is when I itch the most. And it drives me absolutely nuts because all I want to do is rest. I don’t have that much time to rest during the day or night. And so it’s like my body is trying to mess with me and tell me that I’m not allowed to rest, and and instead, it is going to drive me crazy by making my scalp itch. That is just not fun at all for me. I wash my hair about 2 to 3 times a week, and if the itchiness continues, I may actually have to increase the number of times I wash it, which I absolutely hate because I hate washing my hair. It is one of the self grooming things that I abhor. It is annoying to wash my hair particularly because ever since I started dying it, I get massive knots trying to get my fingers through my hair while I am washing. And the knots are super frustrating. That’s why during the very few times during the year when I actually get my hair done, I am so happy to have someone else wash my hair for me.

Oh, postpartum life.

Months ago, when I was sharing with my colleagues that I was pregnant, all of my colleagues, particularly my mom colleagues, were very excited for me. The ones who knew that I had dealt with carpal and cubital tunnel warned me about mommy thumb, also known as de Quervain’s tenosynovitis. They warned me not to throw away my wrist splints (as at that point, I didn’t need to wear them regularly anymore given I had managed to get rid of the daily pain) and to save them in case I might need them after the baby came. One of them told me she even had to start seeing a physical therapist for some relief because the condition nicknamed “mommy thumb” was so painful. I knew I had given myself this when I tried to do a thumb’s up motion on my right hand and completely failed. When I tried to move my thumb in circles upwards, I was feeling an unpleasant popping sensation in the tendons in my wrist directly under my right thumb. And that was when I knew that I had pinpointed my wrist problem: this has nothing to do with carpal tunnel. This was a completely different situation. And in some way as strange as it sounds, I am happy that has it has nothing to do with carpal tunnel because carpal tunnel is a nerve issue. Mommy thumb is a tendon issue, which I am hoping is easier to heal.

New parents are most susceptible to this condition, which is a form of tendinitis in the thumb and wrist. They get it because of the repetitive motions of caring for their babies, particularly in lifting them up using their thumb and pointer fingers. Well, I rarely lifted my baby that way in the last 15 weeks because it wasn’t until relatively recently that she had a decent hold of her head and good neck strength. Instead, how did I give myself this? Well, it all goes back to the same thing that I’ve been complaining about and been frustrated with pretty much since the beginning: pumping milk. All of the hand expression that I have been doing to prime my breasts for my electric pump have ultimately been responsible for not only the numbness in my fingertips, but also this mommy thumb condition. Pumping is also responsible for aggravating my cubital tunnel, simply from the repetitive motion of placing my flanges in the right position on my breasts every day for at least 6 to 7 times a day in the last 15 weeks, as well as doing breast compression while pumping.

Well, the numbness in my fingertips is slowly going away because I have been less aggressive about doing breast compressions… Partly out of laziness, and partly just because I’ve been more gentle on myself in terms of my output. And with mommy thumb, there are very specific stretches and exercises to do to help the condition, and I even just purchased a thumb splint, which is basically a wrist splint with another splint for the thumb. I did a massage that was specific for my wrist, and while it seem to help, it likely gets worse before it gets better. The next day after I did this massage on myself a few times, I felt really sore in my wrist. The specific stretch I found online definitely helps it feel better. And I have been icing my wrist as well.

More mommy injuries. It just keeps coming.

Ever since I reduced the number of pumps down from seven pumps per day to six, my output per pump has increased dramatically, plus my overall daily output has also gone up, much to my excitement. I am basically producing 2 to 3 ounces more per day with six pumps a day as opposed to seven, which makes me super happy. What also makes me happy? Looking at my pump output at a given session and seeing such full bottles. No one could relate to the happiness at looking at these fuller breast milk bottles then a pumping mama. This is a fact.

In addition to that, when I put these bottles in the fridge to cool down before combining with other milk that I have expressed and into the bottles that the baby will eventually drink, because the bottles are so full of milk, now, I can see a clearer separation between the foremilk and hindmilk. These two types of milk are exactly what they sound like: the foremilk is milk that you expressed at the beginning of a pump or nursing session. This milk is a lot thinner and less fatty. As you continue nursing or pumping, your body starts releasing the hindmilk, which is a lot thicker, creamier, and much whiter. The hindmilk has the most fat content. The hindmilk is ultimately what gets your baby full. And so the more hindmilk you have, the richer your overall milk is. And when you really look at the milk separation, sometimes the foremilk can look like it’s a blue color. You’re supposed to shake up the milk to ensure they are combined thoroughly before feeding baby.

And for the first time, this week, I saw the foremilk look a little light blue. But when you see the separation of the foremilk from the hindmilk, it was very clear that the hindmilk made the vast majority of the bottle, whereas the foremilk was a teeny tiny proportion. And this made me feel so proud and happy: I have super fatty breast milk! My milk is fatty! My baby is getting lots of good nutrition from my breastmilk that my body is producing. And that just feels like the best thing. It makes all of the pumping that I do feel worth it even though it has been extremely trying and mentally exhausting.

As a lactating woman, I spend a lot of time thinking about my milk supply, both consciously as well as subconsciously. And with that, in the back of my mind, I think about when my period will return, which hopefully will not be until at least month eight or nine postpartum so that my milk supply can at least remain stable at the level that it currently is at. When you are lactating and your period returns, your hormones shift, which causes an inevitable drop in your milk supply. This tends to freak out most lactating women, particularly those who exclusively breast-feed their babies and are strongly averse to formula.

So you can imagine my horror when one day, I went to pee, and before I flushed the toilet, I noticed that the liquid in the toilet bowl was a pinkish red color. For a split second, I flipped out a little bit. What? I thought. Is my period back? I touched myself down there and did not see any blood. Then, I remembered that I’d roasted beets and eating them for dinner. And beets have the ability to change the color of your urine if you eat enough of them, similar to how asparagus can change the smell of your urine. Phew, I thought. Thank God for the beets! I was only about 14 weeks postpartum and the idea of having my period back this early in my breast-feeding journey did not sit well with me. Most of the time when you hear of women getting their period back after giving birth this soon, it’s because they are exclusively formula feeding or they are not nursing enough. In my case, I was pumping milk around the clock and nursing a few times a day consistently for the last 14 weeks, so if my period had come back that soon, I would have been completely devastated. So hopefully, I still have at least 4 to 5 months before it returns.

A few months ago before I gave birth, I was in a session with my therapist discussing my hopes for a feeding plan for my baby. We were listing out the pros and cons of breastfeeding and formula feeding, and as a pro for breastfeeding, I said, “well, one big pro is that breast milk is free, so I don’t have to pay for it!” She gave me this look that said part shock, part horror, and part comic and responded, “Oh, breast milk is NOT free!!”

And while on my pumping journey, I have heard her voice so wisely repeat this in my head, over and over and over. The literal dozens of hours I have spent with my nipples connected to a breast pump, the time I have spent doing hand expression, breast compressions and jiggling (to get the milk ducts active), breast warming and massaging; milk duct clog expelling, breast milk measuring, spilling (yes, there were a couple small yet painful spills.. every drop counts); researching ways to increase my milk supply, trying different and useless supplements, my nipples being sore and pointy to the point I cannot even wear my regular bras or my sports bras; power pumping, all the exacerbation of pain in my fingers, hands, wrists, and elbows as a result of all the above — I have reflected on all of this almost every single time I have connected myself to my breast pump. BREAST MILK IS ABSOLUTELY NOT FREE. I was stupid and naive to have ever made such an ignorant statement. Pumping has tested my mental health in ways that is close to the roller coaster I went through with IVF — In-vitro fertilization!! Who would have ever thought this??

In those moments, I feel deeply resentful of all the women who told me that they “just got lucky” because breastfeeding just worked out for them right away — they had babies who latched right away (well, mine did: that was a very FALSE sense of security), babies who sucked hard enough to get all their milk out so there was no milk transfer problem as in my case, babies who rapidly gained weight during nursing. When they connected their pump, they always pumped enough to get a feeding or more for their baby, or all their pumps had a consistent or predictable output. I wanted to say to all of them, “I hate all of you, but that’s because I’m envious as fuck.”

I also think about the total lack of understanding that men have when it comes to the pain and toil that pumping milk around the clock takes, or the potential harm that a clogged milk duct can take on a woman’s body. Example: the other day when I was dealing with a milk clog, I spent a good three hours shuffling between two pumping sessions and a manic attempt to get the clog out. In that time, Chris went out for a haircut, but before that, he was obsessed with AirPods he lost. When he got back, the first thing he asked me was, “Any luck finding my AirPods?” I told him that I spent that entire time either pumping or trying to get my clog out. “That’s it?” he responded, in terms of what I had accomplished during that time.

Seriously? Was he more concerned about his lost AirPods than the fact that a milk clog could result in 1) less milk for the baby to eat, 2) a total reduction in my overall milk supply if the clog persisted for too long, 3) my potentially getting mastitis, resulting in extreme flu-like symptoms, needing antibiotics, and in the absolute worst cases, potentially even going to the ER? And let’s also not fail to mention that… I was in pain! And when I said this to him, he responded, “Someone’s being a snowflake today.”

I told my friend this, who has two children, breastfed both, and dealt with many painful and stubborn clogged ducts. She got exasperated listening to this and said her husband was the same. “Men just don’t understand the crap women go through to feed their kids!” she said in response. “(Husband’s name) always bugs me about the times I pump and asks why I always have to pump at those times… like it’s a HOBBY!”

This is why I have mom friends and a pumping support group. If I didn’t, I probably would have given up on pumping after the first month. Because while formula may be expensive, breast milk is the most expensive food that exists. Women sacrifice their bodies and their mental health just to nourish their children. And there’s really no greater gift or sacrifice than that.