During pregnancy, I gained about 27 pounds. A woman of healthy and average weight can generally expect to gain between 25-35 pounds during a singleton pregnancy, and so that basically means I was average in my weight gain, as well. Within the first week after giving birth, I lost 11 pounds. This is likely due to the baby (about 6 lb), plus the loss of the placenta, umbilical chord, as well as the amniotic fluid that protected the baby within the uterus. I was told that with breastfeeding and pumping, I would be back to my pre-pregnancy size and weight in no time. But I was checking my weight once a week each week since giving birth, and my weight loss so far has stagnated to just 12 pounds overall despite consistent nursing and pumping, which confused me. My stomach is almost back to pre-pregnancy size, and I assume that the excess flab I still have there is not from my uterus, but rather from the fat that my body created in my core to protect the womb. This just means that once I start going back to the gym more regularly that I’ll need to rely on exercise to get back to my pre-baby size and weight… whenever that will be.

In most western countries, in the weeks after birth, new moms are attended to with in-home nurse visits, pelvic floor therapy, and attentive medical services. In the U.S., you won’t see your OB until six weeks postpartum, and that will be for, at best, a 10-15 minute visit. Here, she will ask you how you are feeling (are you experiencing postpartum depression?), examine your vagina (or c-section wound, if you had a c-section) to see that the stitches have healed, and basically send you on your way and give you the seal of approval that you can move forth and have sex and exercise once again! It’s pretty ridiculous how basic it is, and it really highlights how little care women get in our society in general.

My doctor said that I was fully healed, which I already knew I was. She asked me what I was doing about birth control, and my gut reaction was to smile and let out a little laugh.

“Abstinence?” I responded, frankly. “I’m so exhausted and sleep deprived that the very last thing on my mind is sex!”

Even though I had technically healed, I didn’t fully feel “normal” down there. I cannot imagine having sex or even putting a tampon into my vagina at this point. How do people have sex in the few weeks after giving birth, and how the fuck do men try to force or guilt their partners to have sex….??? I’ve read too many awful stories about this and it makes me so sick… to my vagina.

After coming to terms with the fact that my baby had a poor suck and thus pour milk transfer, We had to revise her feeding schedule so that all of us would be a little bit more sane. What that entailed was reducing her nursing sessions from six times a day to four times a day, and also having me do one or two of the bottle feeds to relieve Chris. Unfortunately, my pumping increased from 6 to 7 times per day given my desire to become an exclusive pumper, but it is what it is and I chose this path… sort of.

The first time during the evening when I did a bottle feed for the baby after nursing her, I nearly started crying. It wasn’t that the bottle feeding was particularly cumbersome or emotional per se, but it was more the big eyes that she stared up at me with that got me. That evening, I nursed her on both breasts for about 20 minutes, and knowing that she would almost never get full off of my breasts given the poor milk transfer, I gave her the bottle I had prepared. But immediately, she seemed very confused. She looked up at me with these big, glassy eyes, as though to say, Why? Why are you giving me a bottle? I want the booby!  Then, she proceeded to move her face towards my breast and start biting my breast area, and I realized that this was exactly what she was trying to communicate to me. I want mommy’s boobies. I want to eat from your breasts. Why are you giving me a bottle? I want you.  

And that was what almost made me cry. I wanted to tell her, Mommy wants nothing more than to nourish you directly from her breasts, but unfortunately, we can’t do that because you have poor milk transfer and thus will never get full that way. We need to make sure that you are gaining weight and growing, and this is the most sustainable way for all of us. We don’t want you to get frustrated on the breast because you have to work so hard. We just want you to eat and be nourished. And in the meantime, mommy is trying her best to increase her milk supply without your help to get you as much breastmilk as possible.. Because you love mommy’s milk, and mommy knows this.

She is never going to understand that message now, and she may never understand that message even when she gets older. But I hope that someday, she will understand the sacrifices that I have chosen to make to ensure that she has the best life possible. And for now, in my opinion, the best life possible is her having as much breastmilk as possible.

Since the baby’s one-month appointment, I had often times wondered if pursuing the exclusive pumping path was even worth it for me. I had been disheartened, annoyed at, and frankly envious as hell of so many stories I had read of other women who had already developed freezer stashes by the one month mark, meaning that they were already over supplying milk to their baby to the point that they couldn’t feed it to them in four days, which is the longest amount of time you can leave breastmilk in the fridge safely and feed to your baby. So they had to freeze the milk for later consumption.

My pumping output to date had been pretty miserable. Granted, I had realized late in the game, by postpartum standards anyway, that my flange size was not correct, but my output was pretty dismal and not something to write home about. I was lucky to get 1 ounce of breastmilk during a 20-minute pump session. That’s for both breasts just to be clear. There was one time when I got 2 ounces, and I thought that was incredible. Occasionally, I was getting one and a half ounces, but I attributed that solely to luck. I was also still tinkering around with the Spectra pump settings, so I had not quite mastered optimal settings for my own body. Because unfortunately, pump settings and even the pump itself is not a one size fits all situation. The breast-feeding and pumping experience is extremely unique to each person, so one set of settings and even one pump could be optimal for one person and really terrible for another, which makes this even more vexing. 

The fact that this is process is more art than science is a huge frustration point for me, particularly because of the fact that women have been breast-feeding for centuries. This is not like some new thing that women are doing, so it’s ridiculous that we have not streamlined this process pretty much at all if you ask me.

So when the new Pumpinpal flanges arrived today, I got really excited and hopeful for the first time during this pumping journey. I immediately went to sanitize them and clean them, and I also knew that there was a learning curve in terms of the way that the section worked with these flanges, as a process of putting them on was not going to be the same as regular plastic flanges. You actually have to put each flange on one at a time and suction each on. The suction is actually what keeps the flange in place and provides the proper placement for the nipple within the flange, creating a comfortable set up for the nipple and just the right amount of movement for the nipple within the tunnel. If Pumpinpal flanges are placed correctly on the nipple, you should only see the tip of the nipple move in and out during a pumping session. They tell you that this is counterintuitive, which it is, and so I was interested to see how this all worked.

Having to place each flange on one at a time with the pump on was super frustrating initially. The learning curve being needed is definitely true based on what I read. The first few times I did this, I got really annoyed and wanted to give up. But granted, these flanges were not cheap: I had spent $66 on three sets of flanges in different sizes along with the spectra adapters. The reason they give you three sets in different sizes is they want you to see which size fits you best. The other annoying thing? Your nipple size may change throughout the day and depending on your mood or the amount of milk your breasts contain, so they also suggest changing up which flange you use based on this. I found out that two of the flange types actually fit me depending on what time of day it is. The extra small flanges always fit, while the small flanges fit occasionally and sometimes are even tighter than the extra small flanges if that makes any sense at all. So given the amount of money I had spent particularly relative to the amount of out of pocket I had to pay for the pump, which was $75, since insurance does not believe that you should have a battery to be mobile while pumping milk… I figured I had to be a little bit more patient than just trying he’s out for three times and then giving up. Plus, if I were to return these, I had to do it within 15 days and I would have to pay for the return postage, which I hate.

Probably about the fourth or fifth time I placed these flanges on correctly, I pumped for 20 minutes and was completely shocked: I had pumped over 2 ounces of milk. to be exact, I had pumped 75 mL of breastmilk. It was the most breastmilk I had ever pumped in a single session to date, and I was completely floored looking at the bottle of combined milk from both breasts. I recognize that this is a very small amount for a lot of women, but for me, this was almost life-changing. I was doing a little bit of breast compression, but I actually did not need to do as much as I normally did with the stupid plastic spectra flanges because… These actually fit correctly. That would relieve my cubital tunnel issues a LOT.

At last, during my pumping journey, I finally had a glimmer of hope with these flanges. Now, I had a reason to be excited for each future pump session. Maybe I actually could produce more milk. I just had to give these flanges and my breasts more time. I had only wished I knew that I had elastic nipple sooner, but you really do not know if you have elastic nipples until you start pumping, so this is not really something that you can check before you give birth unfortunately. There is hope now.

I was chatting with my friend who had a baby late last year about the poor milk transfer situation and ultimately my below average milk supply. I told her that I was purchasing new flanges that would hopefully increase my output and looking to do more power pumping. She asked me if I had looked into Legendairy Milk supplements. I told her that I had taken mother’s love tincture, which had fenugreek in it. But other than that, I had taken no supplements. Oatmeal and flaxseed do not count.

She strongly encouraged me to look into these supplements with funny names like liquid gold, pumping princess, and cash cow, as they were very popular and depending on the combination of herbs, could help me increase my milk supply. I felt skeptical about this, particularly because I had already taken that stupid mother’s love tincture supplement that the LC from the pediatrician’s office had recommended and had failed… The only thing that had resulted in was me being out of $35. But I still felt tempted, particularly because I had read the positive reviews for a lot of these supplements, and people really did say that it worked for them. And at this point, I did feel desperate: I wanted magic or some automatic thing to increase my milk supply to satiate my baby. I wanted an immediate fix. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know if these new flanges would actually help me. Who knows if power pumping would be successful for me, or how much more they could increase my milk supply. So, what was wrong with spending a little bit of extra money on these supplements to try them out?

Chris balked at this idea and said it would be stupid for me to buy them. He said that it was easy to just try everything out there, but then I would be a fool just believing in random gimmicks that people throw at me. And yeah, he was probably right. But I was still tempted. I just wanted to know that I was doing everything possible to try to help my baby more. There is not necessarily anything wrong with that, but it probably was best to stick with things it actually made sense and had some real data behind it, which in this case, is the flange change and also power pumping, as that is actually creating the demand that then dictates my supply.

I had another virtual meeting with my Cleo lactation consultant. I told her that the milk transfer was still poor, and so my next steps in my mind would be to explore exclusive pumping. I told her that I realized that I needed larger flanges, so I was considering ordering the next size up for my spectra flanges.

She gave me a funny look and asked, what makes you think that you need a larger flange? The reason she asked me is was that in the majority of cases, not that I knew at the time, most women need a smaller flange size not a larger one. So I told her that as I was pumping, I noticed that my nipples were expanding and started rubbing up against the sides. In the beginning when I started pumping and had no idea what I was doing, I just assumed that the smaller flange size that came with my pump, the 24MM size, would fit me, but that was not the case. Because immediately after pumping  only about a few minutes, my nipples would rub up against the sides, and it would be really uncomfortable. So because of that, I figured that the 28MM size that came with my pump would be better for me. And it was better for me at the beginning of the pump session, but towards the middle and end, the same thing would happen: my nipples would rub up against the sides, and it would be awkward and uncomfortable yet again.

I took videos of before, during, and after pumping to show her how my nipples changed. I had no idea that this meant I had elastic nipples and would need silicone flanges specialized for this condition. But Andrea was so nice and thorough, and she explained all of this to me. Andrea has been the lactation consultant that I wish that I had in person. She is one part lactation consultant and one part therapist. She has called, emailed, and texted me even outside of the seven-day window when I am technically supposed to have access to her after our sessions according to Cleo policy, and she is always checking in to ensure that my mental health is intact throughout this process. I just wish that I could have met with her in person instead of just having virtual contact with her.

So obviously being new to breast-feeding and pumping, I had no freaking idea that elastic nipples were even a thing. Thank goodness I had Andrea to explain this to me. And so, with her help, I ordered some new special flanges from Pumpin Pals to try out to see if this would not only increase my comfort but also increase my output. 

Because with breast flange sizing, it is similar to the Goldilocks situation: if your flanges are too small, it will hurt and be uncomfortable, and any pain will decrease your output. If your flanges are too large, your areola can get pulled into the tunnel, and that will also cause pain and decrease your output. Therefore, you must have a flange that fits just, just right. And hopefully, this is what these flanges will do for me.

The last time I had cut my own toenails and filed them was probably back in September. I remember being a bit challenged because I was already in the third trimester of my pregnancy and my belly had gotten quite large to the extent that it was very difficult even with my knees bent to reach my toes. I remember telling Chris that the next time my nails need to be cut that perhaps he should cut them. He insisted that he would do a bad job at it and suggested that I go to a salon to get a pedicure done. So in November, as one last street for myself before giving birth, I scheduled a pedicure appointment at a nail salon near our apartment. Of course, the nail technician did a beautiful job of taking care of my toes, and now, when I looked down at my toes, I still see the last remnants of the bluish green metallic nail polish that I had chosen. And now, since I am no longer pregnant and my uterus has shrunk and down probably shoe is original size, I can now comfortably cut my nails again. So I sat on the floor and cut my toenails and reveled in the fact that I am able-bodied enough to do this again. 

Unfortunately, while I can now comfortably reach my toes again,  my hands and their physical state are another story. My thumbs hurt, my fingers hurt, and my elbows hurt. Pretty much everything in my arms hurts. My carpal and cubital tunnel have really been aggravated since giving birth. And they have both been further aggravated by the fact that I have been doing more hand expression to get milk out of my breast to sort of prime the pump so to speak before pumping milk with my electric breast pump, as well as the breast compressions that I have been doing during pumping. That goes back to the hands-on pumping  I have been referring to. No one ever warned me that pumping milk with an electric breast pump would be so hands on and freaking exhausting. My friend says it’s because of the pregnancy hormones that are still in my body and will likely continue through my fourth trimester. So, even basic things like pressing down on a button or a nail clipper with my thumb hurts. Rubbing lotion, especially thick lotion like Shea butter hurt my hands. Clamping down on a glassware dish hurts; my body hurts. I want to be less hands-on with pumping, but that will affect how much milk comes out and ultimately my milk supply. This is a never ending battle. And the end result is that I have pain in my fingertips and elbows now most of the day. I wake up with my fingers slightly Immobile and tight. I need to use rubber bands to stretch them out and get them to realize that they need to be able to move again. This sounds pretty pathetic and sad, but alas, this is my new life.