It was Tuesday, January 3, in the evening after Chris had put Kaia to bed in our hotel room. I was doing my second (and last) pump of the day, reading news in the food world, scrolling through Instagram mindlessly while finishing yet another hour-long pump session. And as I approached the end of that pumping session, suddenly, out of nowhere, the suction on the pump stopped, and all I could hear was a sad, faint clicking sound coming from inside the pump. The screen was still on, recording seconds that passed as though the suction was still working, but it was not. My Spectra S1 Plus pump, my primary, battery-operated pump, the one that I had purchased via health insurance about a month before I gave birth to Kaia, had finally died. Nearly 1,400 pumping hours later, my pump’s motor just stopped.

Name: Yvonne’s Spectra S1 Plus: the machine that enabled Kaia Pookie to have breast milk for almost 13 months

Date of birth: Thursday, November 4, 2021 (okay, fine… date of purchase, which is LIKE a birth in some ways)

Date of death: Tuesday, January 3, 2023

(and a mic, somewhere out there… drops)

I was in a hotel in Santa Ana, and I had no idea what to do next. I started panicking. I got emotional. My mind was spinning. This was NOT the way my pumping journey was supposed to end!!!!

My supply was already going down. It plummeted after I weaned down to 3 pumps per day in early November. It started going down even further in the days approaching Kaia’s first birthday, which coincidentally was when I got my second postpartum period. I knew my periods were to blame for my decreasing supply, since when estrogen in your body increases (that’s the hormone that enables your menstrual flow), prolactin, the hormone that enables your body to produce milk, decreases. But there was nothing that could be done about that. I knew that at this point in my journey, just days away from the 13-month mark, that my pump dying while on the road would be like a death sentence for my supply. I needed the stimulation, and even one or two days without any pump stimulation would force me to prematurely wean, whether I wanted to or not. And what’s even more ridiculous: if I didn’t pump and get any stimulation, I could even get another clog, which sounded so awful given how low my supply was at this point, but I’d heard of many weaning mothers having this happen to them. I needed another pump, and I needed it ASAP.

The next morning, I contacted Spectra’s help line. I had a two-year warranty and knew they would send me a new pump. After sending a video showcasing the sad clicking noise and sharing my proof of purchase, they sent me a new pump with new parts… which were supposed to be delivered by UPS 2-day, but instead due to some internal communication error on their side, was received on the following Monday. And in between, for 1.5 days, I borrowed a Spectra pump from a wonderful, selfless mother in Fountain Valley near our hotel, via the Facebook group Modern Asian Moms. I got so many responses in that group from my cry for help. I’d never felt like I belonged to a more inclusive and empathetic village than that day, when endless local “MAMs” as we call ourselves offered to lend or even GIVE me their Spectra pumps.

On Thursday, January 5, we flew back to New York and arrived back in the evening, and that night, I didn’t pump. I was just too tired. Until the evening of January 9, I only used my Baby Buddha breast pump with my Spectra parts. And as frustrating as it was, the Baby Buddha just wasn’t doing it for my body. No one ever warned me that your body gets “used to” a certain pump, and then it just doesn’t work well with other pumps. So the output was never the same, and because I wasn’t removing enough milk, my supply finally went down to the double digits in milliliters. It was so depressing… to see all my hard work over the last 13 months go down to almost nothing in just a matter of days. My output increased with that first pumping session back with my new Spectra, but at that point, it was too late already. My body had gone days without proper stimulation and milk removal, and I was barely pumping a total of 2 oz (60 ml) per day. And then it hit me: I really needed to draw the line there. I need to finally stop.

So I arbitrarily called it: January 24 will be the last day I pump milk for Kaia Pookie. On January 17, I will begin only 1PPD, which will signal to my body to produce even less milk. And I may only get drops, if anything, in the days following. But I need to stop now, as the tiny output just wasn’t justifying being connected to an electric nipple sucker for two hours each day, not to mention the constant measuring and storing of milk, the washing of the bottles, the time spent away from doing other things for the baby, Chris, or for myself. My baby will have had breast milk for the first 13.5 months of her life. My body has done a good job providing for Kaia — I kicked exclusive pumping in the ass. Unfortunately, though I wanted to go to 15 months, my pump made this decision for me, which I hate. But it is what it is. And when I really think about it — when I started this aggressive, exclusive pumping journey, my original goal was to get to six months; when my supply was still doing great at six months, I thought, okay, things are looking good. I have a good cadence, and I’m at peace with pumping, so then I extended my goal to one year. At nine months, when Kaia started consuming less milk and more solids, I saw all the breast milk piling up in the fridge and thought, wow! Maybe I’ll go past 12 months! Let’s do 15 months! And…. well, now, it’s not going to happen. And that’s okay. I need to give myself grace. My periods coming back, my pump dying.. these are forces outside of my control. I exceeded the smaller goals I set out, and 13.5 months it will be. I am proud of the work I have done, the diligence and perseverance and dedication to providing my baby breast milk. My baby is healthy and happy and safe, and that’s all that matters at this point to me.

So this is the beginning of the end to my exclusive pumping journey. It’s been a good, miserable, intense, and exciting ride, but I’m grateful for my pump and the advanced technology behind it, grateful for what my body has done, grateful for all the support I’ve had from my family, friends, colleagues, night nurses, lactation consultant, nanny, and especially to my Chris along the way. More people had to see my nipples than I ever thought. More people had to listen to me banging on collection bottles to ensure I got out every last drop of breast milk, of liquid gold. More people than I ever thought had to see me carrying around an electric device connected to my nipples in lobbies, hotels, restaurants, and different countries. But this all has been worth it. I am a better, more disciplined and learned person for it. I’ve gained a lot of knowledge and humility for this journey. And I have never, ever had more respect and awe than ever before for all the mothers out there who pump milk for their babies… and especially to those who exclusively pump. None of us pump because we love it… but we all pump because we love. And there’s nothing greater in the world than pure love.

Pumping mamas unite. <3

Since coming back to New York, I started splinting my left elbow again. My cubital tunnel was acting up the whole month we were away, and I regretted not bringing my elbow splint with me. I didn’t think much when packing and only packed my wrist splints. In retrospect, I should have packed the elbow splint, especially knowing that 1) I wasn’t going to have my proper desk setup for work, and 2) I wouldn’t have much childcare help, which meant lifting and carrying Kaia more. But in just a couple nights of splinting my elbow, it’s already feeling much better. I’m thankful I am at a place with my cubital tunnel where I know how to manage the symptoms and don’t need to let them escalate. This may be a life-long condition I have to deal with, and I definitely don’t want it to get worse. So if something minor like splinting overnight needs to be done, even if I feel and look like a robot, then I guess I will need to do it.

The last time I came to Australia in December 2019, that was before I started getting tingling in my fingers and hands from mild carpal/cubital tunnel syndrome. Back then, I had no idea what “cubital tunnel” even meant and that it was supposed to be carpal tunnel’s lesser known cousin. Then when I came, I just brought my laptop for work, and that was it. I had no special need for an ergonomic keyboard or a vertical mouse. But now I do. The only issue is… while the vertical mouse may be easy to transport, it’s not that simple (or a space saver AT ALL) to carry around an ergonomic keyboard. So I packed my laptop and vertical mouse while leaving the keyboard behind.

It makes a world of a difference to have the right keyboard and also to use the correct mouse. Out of laziness this month, I’ve just used my track pad. But my fingers, hands, and elbows really feel the difference. Even with wearing wrist splits to bed each night, I can feel significantly more stiffness and numbness/tingling in my hands than before this month, and it’s all because of having an inappropriate work setup. And since I’m at a computer less, I’m also at my phone more. And we all know that phone use is really want drove my cubital tunnel syndrome over the edge.

Even though I am not particularly looking forward to going back to winter or New York for the daily grind, I am looking forward to being in less tingly/numbness/pain in my hands/arms. It also doesn’t help my arms that I have more childcare responsibilities while here, but hey, I signed up for this, so I get what I asked for.

I told Chris’s mom that the tradeoff to having kids a little older is that although we don’t worry about money as much, more things hurt. When you have kids younger, you have less money but are less likely to get injured as much. She insisted it didn’t matter: she had kids in her 20s, and everything ached before they were even born. What joy.

In the days leading up to Kaia’s first birthday, my milk supply suddenly decreased quite drastically without any warning. It had already plummeted a little in October once I had my first postpartum period, and then again in November when I went down to three pumps a day. Around her 1st birthday was when I planned to drop to two pumps per day, but when I realized the Thursday before that my body had its own plans for my milk supply, I decided to do it the day before her 1st birthday. What’s an extra day? I thought.

The drop was over 200ml, nearly overnight. When it happened one day, I thought it was just a fluke. But in reality, it was real… because it kept happening every single day after that. Now, I am lucky if I pump even 300ml in a day, and even that seems a bit of a stretch. I originally thought I would keep going until 15 months, so the 10th of March, but at this rate, if my supply keeps dwindling, I may just need to fully wean and hang up the pumps sooner than that. I can’t continue to pump for two hours a day and not even get eight ounces of breast milk total per day. I know she loves my milk, though. So that also is another reason I want to keep going. But if the numbers keep going down, it’s just too much time for too little return at this point, especially since she does not really need my milk anymore now that she’s over 1 year old.

Dropping down to two pumps per day is quite bittersweet. I worked so hard to get my supply up, and now to see it dropping so drastically in a short space of time really hurt. It’s like I could almost feel the pain in my boobs and my heart when I saw the numbers consistently stay so low, day after day. Granted, it was my choice to drop pumping sessions when I did, but that’s the issue with exclusive pumping: it feels like a constant love/hate relationship where you are really battling with just yourself. The emotional roller coaster continues, even at the end of the journey. Can’t I just keep going? Why can’t I be one of those mothers who breastfeeds until 2 years? Chris keeps trying to make fun of me, saying that the “udder isn’t working anymore” and “the cow isn’t keeping up.” It’s easy for him to make fun; he never put in the blood, sweat, and tears into this maddening process. He’s never pumped milk; no man really has. And even those women who nurse and have never pumped… they don’t get the sweat and toil that goes into this. Chris’s cousin’s wife, who breastfed (nursed) all three of her babies and pumped occasionally for overnight bottles — she told me that what I did was the most intense work of all forms of baby feeding. And her husband said, “Pumping — it’s so many bottles to wash, so many pump parts to clean all the time!” Yep. He sees it, at least as an observer.

I love knowing that my body had given my baby so much sustenance and more in the last year plus of her life. I am grateful for what my body allowed me to do and the food it provided my baby. But I also look forward to the day when I no longer need to pump any milk at all and have my body fully back to myself. I will admit, though: two pumps per day is so liberating compared to 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 pumps per day at the insane beginning. I may not even know what to do with myself and all this newfound free time as my nanny keeps making fun of me about. I may even put my Spectra breast pump on display in the apartment to remember my long, hard-fought journey to feeding my baby via exclusive pumping.

I’ve been working from home for about 2.5 years now, which I never thought I would do. Initially, I was forced into it because of the global pandemic, but then I took a job with a company that wants me to be fully remote given there’s no New York office, and I figured… how bad could it be since I had no idea when the pandemic would end? Well, now I’m 2+ years into that job with no New York office in sight. And while it’s been fine because I’m happier pumping milk and prepping my baby’s meals while at home, this isn’t going to last forever.

The biggest downside, especially for someone like me, is the lack of camaraderie and socializing; setting up Zoom hangouts and 1:1 social chats just is not the same as being in the office or going to happy hours. The second biggest downside, and one that may even tie for the first one I noted, is that I’m nowhere as active. I don’t get as many steps in during the day. Even with daily morning gym workouts, there is not as much walking throughout the entire day without a commute. I’m sitting a lot more and walking around my own apartment, but you never get as many steps in that way. When I used to be in an office, I’d easily get 15K-20K steps in every single day. I highly doubt I even get half of that now, even when I do longer runs or time on the elliptical. I need to be a lot more intentional about getting out of the apartment just for the walk and the fresh air.

I can’t complain, though. I’m lucky to have the privilege and flexibility of working from home. I have a lot to be thankful for. I just need to be more intentional about increasing my activity level.

I originally told myself that when Kaia turned 11 months, which is literally in 4 days, I would officially drop down to 3 pumps per day. But given that I have been doing 3 pumps per day each Saturday we’ve been going out, I figured… what difference is it really going to make, anyway, if I start it just a few days earlier? It means one less set of washing pump parts; one less hour connected to a pump, 10 less minutes connecting and disconnecting, more time to myself to do whatever else I need or want to do. Today was the second day in a row of 3 pumps per day, and it felt so weird. On days when I am not out and am home or just working from home, my pumping schedule will be something like 7:30/2:30/9-9:30, but on days when I am out, I will need to push the second pump probably closer to the last pump of the day. Today, I did my second pump at 2:30, and it just felt a little odd: I can’t remember the last time I felt so liberated, not pumping and not feeling the time pressure to pump or get something done before pumping. Every Saturday and Sunday felt like a time crunch to pump and get something done before or after, and today, for the very first time ever, I did not have that feeling. It felt weird.

It’ll probably take me some time to get used to it, and for now, it feels nice to have such big pump outputs in my three pumps a day. But I know at some point, my body will get the signal that I’m pumping less frequently because I am getting closer to weaning since my baby needs less breast milk, and so that amount will eventually start dropping off. It will likely be a little emotional, especially since I worked so hard to get my output up in the beginning. I’m just mentally trying to prepare myself for that drop off and my eventual weaning off of pumping and providing my baby breast milk. It’s likely the most intense journey I’ve ever been on outside of trying to conceive, getting and staying pregnant, and labor and birth. My body has done Kaia and me a lot of good, and I am blessed and grateful for it.

Yesterday, I caught up with a neighbor friend whose baby is 5.5 months old. I hadn’t seen her or properly spoken with her since her baby was about one month old, so I wasn’t sure how she was doing or how her pumping journey was going. Similar to Kaia, her baby just wasn’t able to suck well and was also a bit on the smaller side at birth, so she had to resort to pumping quite frequently early on. She knew my journey was still in progress, and so she leaned on me for a lot of advice and tips. She told me that while on a trip visiting family in Utah and Colorado at the four month mark, she finally just decided she couldn’t do it anymore, so she weaned herself off pumping quickly to dry up and switched 100 percent to formula. She said she already wasn’t able to provide even half of her baby’s needs with pumping, so she didn’t see a point to continue. And though she has just gotten comfortable with her baby being exclusively formula fed now, she still has pangs of guilt every now and then, especially since she still hasn’t gone back to work and won’t until January.

“I feel so liberated, though, so free!” my friend said. “I felt guilt, but I have so much more free time to just enjoy her and do other things and not be stuck connected to a pump. I can leave the house and feed her anytime, anywhere! I can hold her just for the sake of holding her. I feel like I can have a life again!”

I hear this a lot from moms who make the switch to exclusive formula feeding, that it’s freeing, liberating, gives you agency over your life and your body. It gives you more time to bond with your baby. I get all that, and last January, I momentarily even thought about just stopping. But I’m still happy I kept up pumping. It definitely has been a sacrifice, and my life certainly has not been that free because of this chosen journey, but my baby will only be a baby once, and so I have no regrets that I went this route. But what this also means for me is that whenever I do finally wean off the pump and completely stop breastfeeding, it will definitely warrant a celebration of some sort. It will be the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, plus open the doors to new ways to bond with Kaia.

I was never going to be sure when my period came back, but based on everything I had previously read and what all my mom friends and colleagues warned me about, once my menstrual cycles resumed, my milk supply would drop. I was mentally bracing myself at around the six month mark, since my doctor had told me that around six months would be a “normal” time for my period to come back, assuming actively breastfeeding. My friends told me theirs came back between 8-9 months with active nursing/pumping. Well, lucky me, mine didn’t come back until the 10.5 month mark, so it was later than I guessed. But the decrease in supply was not welcome, and as it started plummeting days before my period, I’d figured that was the sign it was back. Seeing my output numbers decrease day after day and the sharp drop in milk output on my day over day graph hurt. I’d spent the last 10.5 months exclusively pumping. The first 2 months were the greatest struggle. The next four months, I saw my maximum output and was so proud of what I’d achieved after the slow and miserable start. And to see all of that hard work starting to get chipped away with a decrease in output just felt so sad to me. Academically and logically, I knew pumping would be an emotional journey, but I would’ve never imagined at the beginning how much I could tie my self worth as a mother to my milk output. And to see the numbers decrease the way they have in the last two weeks just felt miserable. Even if Kaia is drinking less milk now, it still made me sad. It’s work I did solely to provide sustenance for her and no one else. I saw it as my duty as her mother to do this, to nourish her for as long as I physically could.

One day, I’ll look back on this journey and be grateful and extremely proud of what I’ve done, despite how grueling and miserable at times it was. Even now when it’s “easy” because I have my routine down pat and know what I am doing, it’s still annoying to be tied up to an electric nipple sucker for 4 hours each day. Each day of this journey, I have been grateful for my body. I hope one day, when Kaia is old enough, I can share this with her, and maybe, just maybe she will appreciate all the time I sacrificed, attempting to give her the very best.

I went back to the orthopedic doctor this morning for a second cortisone shot in my left wrist. I let him know that the pain had pretty much subsided in my right since he gave me a shot there about two weeks ago, but it was clicking a lot more in the last few days, plus I’d had a little pain in it depending on the type of movement. He told me clicking was normal at this stage and was a sign of healing, which was good. But he did take a look at both wrists and noted there was still a lot of stiffness, likely from tendon adhesions as a result of lack of full mobility from the pain I’d had. So he suggested I do hand therapy, at least 1-2 sessions, to learn exercises to get my mobility back. I didn’t want to cause any permanent loss of mobility in my tendons in my hands; my hands are pretty damn important and integral to my health.

Recovery is on the horizon, I thought, as I walked home and made call to set up an OT evaluation for my wrists. I can’t believe there’s finally a potential to be pain free in my wrists soon. It feels like forever since my wrists and thumbs felt completely normal and I didn’t even notice them. I suppose that’s how you know you take your good health for granted; you don’t even appreciate your limbs until something like this happens, and everything just feels like it’s going wrong.