We had a family dinner this evening so that my cousins and uncle could come over to meet Kaia. My aunt and parents had obviously already met her earlier in the week, but this was meant to be an extended family gathering. Not much was talked about, as per usual: my parents barely said anything to my uncle or cousin outside of greetings and if he wanted more food. They even left right after dinner and didn’t even want to sit around to eat the mango mousse cake I got. My mom insisted that she had “chores” to do. My aunt’s roommate had a chair to sit on at the table, but instead she declined, eating on top of a tall stool away from us instead. She spent most of her time hiding in the kitchen and cleaning things and doing dishes. It was a weird family dinner without much talking. I think the only people who really talked were Chris and my cousin.

My mom gives me such a hard time about the short time I stay at the house, and even more so now that Kaia is here. But the time she actually does get with her, she barely spends any time with her. She finds reasons to sweep the floor, scrub the sink, make excessive food that we’ll never eat, sort through the compost pile; the list goes on. And my dad? He gives Kaia maybe five minutes of attention, then proceeds to say he has other things to do… like scroll aimlessly on his phone (with his phone literally about 4 inches from his face), or watch YouTube videos. I wanted to give them time with her, but they don’t even use the time they have to spend time with her properly. It’s like this constant lose-lose situation. Nothing ever satisfies them, and they cannot enjoy any moment at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I really should get annoyed by this at all. Maybe it’s just my choice to get annoyed. Maybe I just need to accept that they are mentally incapable of being happy and enjoying the moment. But can you blame me for wanting my parents to have at least a few moments of happiness?

I knew that when I told my dad he had to apologize, otherwise I’d never let them meet Kaia, that my mom would get angry with me for even the mere threat. So I was waiting for her to confront me about it, and conveniently and expectedly, she did just a couple hours after Chris left for the office this morning. It started with, “Do you have five minutes? I need to sit down and talk to you about something. Don’t get offended.” (This is a cue that she is going to unleash her anger). In my head, I told myself that it was definitely going to happen, so I had to mentally brace myself and not allow myself to get emotional, raise my voice, or do anything to show she had power over me. I had to own the conversation. Well, it didn’t matter if I raised my voice or not because of course to my mom, I was the bad tempered one. I was the ungrateful one. I was the bad one, the awful, disobedient, disrespectful daughter. These are just some of the things she said to me this morning as I was pumping milk. If I hadn’t been connected to an electric nipple sucker, I would have just walked out. These are just some of the things she said:

“How could you threaten to not let us see our grandchild? What have we ever done that is so wrong to you? You are wrong! It doesn’t matter how bad your parents treat you; you need to respect them from your head to your toe and obey them! Jehovah sees all, and he will punish you!”

“I have never hurt you or Ed in my entire life! I raised the both of you almost by myself! I did EVERYTHING for you! And you say that I hurt you! I HURT YOU? I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANGRY WITH YOU!” (I didn’t respond and continued playing with the baby. Not really sure how she should decide whether I feel hurt or not?).

“Your father already texted you to say sorry! What else do you want him to do? What do you want us to do? Why can’t you just forgive and not make such a big deal over everything? We paid for your college education and this is how you treat us! You want us to bow down to you and beg you for forgiveness?” (I said if she wanted to, she could).” Then, she started fake crying and literally got down on the floor to bow down and say sorry over and over. Then, she ran over to the window and started praying to Jehovah loudly, asking him to give her strength to deal with her ungrateful, “powerful” daughter with a bad temper. I didn’t say anything.

“Your father said you called me a bitch and an asshole. Did you do this?” (I said he made it up, which he did because he’s juvenile). “Under Jehovah’s eyes, he said you did it! I am going to ask him to swear it!”

I told her she was wrong to accuse my friend of being dirty and loaning us a pack’n’play that was not cleaned. Her response? “So you are saying you favor Rebecca over me? You like your friend Rebecca more than me?” (very rational)

“Oh, of course it’s useless to talk to me! I’m stupid! I’m uneducated, stupid! I’m not like your mother in law who is a DOCTOR, so smart, so smart, so educated!” (My response: “Just stop.”)

“Do you know what your mother in law and brother in law did to me the night of your rehearsal dinner? Do you know how they insulted me?” (I cut her off and said she had no idea what she was talking about in a monotone. Also, how is this relevant to anything… this was 6 years ago?).

“Your in-laws and Chris would never treat you as well as I have treated you! NEVER! They don’t do a damn thing for you!” (Sure – classic abuser language).

“None of your friends ever went to private school! Only your parents sent you to private school!” (ummmm, false, and I simply cut her off and said “stop comparing” in a monotone. The monotone approach just infuriated her more and more as time passed, and she repeatedly accused me of yelling and raising my voice).

“Your Auntie Linda inherited Ms. Hazel’s house and never sent her kids to private school even with free money!” (“stop comparing,” I said over and over).

“Your husband treats me poorly because he learned it from you!” (No, Chris does not treat her poorly, but I don’t care what she thinks).

“He won’t let us see our own granddaughter on Tuesday and Wednesday! He’s so powerful, isn’t he? You two won’t even let us into your hotel! You won’t allow your own parents to see their grandchild!”

“When you are talking to me, you need to act CHEERFUL! Why aren’t you cheerful and always so mean faced?” (Gee, I wonder why?).

“I texted you and told you I was going to the doctor and my chest hurt, and you didn’t even text back or call. You don’t care about me! Now I know what you really are!” (She used that as a manipulation as she always does to get a response she wants. I don’t fall for it anymore).

“You will be so happy if I die! You will have a celebration!” (“No,” I said back).

“If I die, you and your dad will be miserable! You will have nothing!” (Not really true, but I didn’t say anything).

She loves to talk about her “health not too good,” “I’m disabled,” “I suffer from depression,” and that she could die any day now. She’s been saying these things for over 12 years now. Those are her favorite things to go back to in order to manipulate us and make us feel bad.

The private school theme always comes up again and again. She repeatedly has tried to use it as a weapon against me, as though I took something from them that was so valuable and wasted it. They make it seem like I owe them something. Considering they rarely paid for any extracurricular activities, I never had lessons of any kind, I had a pretty “poor” childhood relatively speaking. You would wonder what my parents would have done with that money if I had never gone to a private college. Well, you shouldn’t wonder too much. They didn’t starve or eat canned beans every day for four years because of it. They didn’t take out loans, refinance their home, or wear rags because of it. In my friend’s words, “They make it seem like because they paid for your college that you have to take their constant abuse and shit. That’s not the way it works.”

I was mad that this happened, but I expected it. I honestly didn’t even really get that angry because I just felt numb. I barely reacted. I never raised my voice, though my mom thinks I did and kept repeating over and over how bad and scary my temper was. I thought momentarily about not coming back this weekend to stay with them, but I realized that we would barely spend any time alone with them given the family meals, plus I’d be out with friends most of Saturday. Plus, Chris would provide a buffer as they’d never be their full, monstrous paranoid selves if he’s around.

After this trip, I have no idea when we will see them again, or when they will see Kaia again. To be honest, I have zero desire to see them again. They will only become more angry and paranoid as time goes on, and they will continue to think that their verbal abuse is acceptable. I can’t really tolerate their alternate reality anymore, especially now that I have my own child to care for and raise. I don’t want her exposed to their mental illnesses and abuse. It’s just a good thing she couldn’t understand the insanity coming out of my mother’s mouth today.

After my dad’s shitty apology over text and my mom calling to apologize for him, I came to terms with the fact that he would never bring himself to ever call me himself and give me a proper apology for calling me a bitch… or really, for anything awful he’s ever done to me. I have to keep repeating to myself that my parents will never change, and I will never be able to change them. I want them to meet their grandchild, so I will suck up whatever dumb things they do temporarily to allow this to happen. I was doing this for them, as it’s clear that I get zero benefit from any of this.

The visit started annoyingly, as it always does. When my mom knows Ed or I am home, she will never, ever open the door herself. She always, always has to ring the bell multiple times to demand that someone serve her. So since I got to the house before she and my dad got back, of course, she rang the bell. As soon as she walked in, I could tell she was not happy with me. She gave me a half hello with a pissed expression on her face (which was a hint at what would come as soon as Chris wasn’t around on Monday), and then went over to talk to Kaia and admire her.

My dad did the same: he barely said hi to me and then just kind of stared at Kaia and blew her kisses. My. Dad. Blew. Kisses. WHAT???? He did all kinds of pucker lip and other gestures towards her and blew kisses and smiled endlessly at her. I have this strong feeling he never did that with Ed or me. They unloaded a bunch of clothes and toys they got her, along with some toys my dad picked up second hand off of Next Door (which my mom assured me she sanitized multiple times).

Then, my mom proceeded to fuss over everything about her and what I was doing wrong: why wasn’t I constantly wiping her hands and face when she was eating? Why isn’t she wearing more layers? What kind of half-assed bath did I give her? Why wasn’t I blow drying her hair? I wasn’t moisturizing her quickly enough: she was going to get sick being naked for so long while getting lotioned up! Oh, and then given the time difference (hello, it’s the baby’s first time changing time zones…) and how goddamn cold the house was, Kaia kept waking up crying throughout the night, so we had to give her Tylenol and turn on the heat…. which my dad kept shutting off even though I explicitly said the house was too cold for the baby (seriously??).

The truth is that it didn’t even bother me that she criticized how we took care of Kaia; I expected all of that and brushed it off; none of that really fazed me. I was more just cognizant of the fact that I knew she’d eventually swoop down on me and unleash her can of irrationality and anger as soon as Chris went to work on Monday, as that would be the only time she’d get alone with me. She’d never say any of this stuff in front of Chris; she barely said anything to him the entire weekend they were together. It’s mostly just meals together with nothing spoken and being under the same roof with little to no interaction.

I feel like I’ve spent most of my life trying to forgive my parents for all the wrong they have done to Ed and me. It began even before I reached adulthood. My mom would always say regarding my dad that, “his parents didn’t know how to teach him. You should forgive him. He supports you and puts a roof over your head” every time he said or did anything to hurt me or Ed. So, in other words, it was my responsibility as his CHILD to forgive HIM for things he did wrong, and that it was totally fine for him to continue wronging us simply because his parents “didn’t teach him” and he put a roof over our heads? That’s a pretty damn big request to make of your child, of any child, from an emotional and mental standpoint.

So I read this post from Yolanda Renteria, who is a somatic coach and speaker, on Instagram today, and it really resonated with me:

“Many people can’t forgive, understand, or make amends with their parents / caregivers because they carry the pain of the experiences they went through in their body. Even when logically, they may try to move on, the body pushes them back into safety. Repair can feel like a threat.

“This push and pull dynamic is a sign that things may have been processed logically, but not somatically. Logically we may know things are safe now, but the body has stored memories from the past that surface any time we are in close proximity to people with whom those memories were created. Repair quite literally can feel like a threat to a body that went through so much pain with a person who was also a source of love.”

The truth is that an apology in any form from either of my parents will never be enough to erase what they have done to Ed or me. Nothing will ever be enough to take away that pain or suffering. As much as I want to, a large part of me will never forgive them for all the things they have inflicted on us. And that’s just my truth.

Surprising to all of us, my dad sent a text message saying he was sorry. Granted, I said he had to call, so of course he isn’t going to call and proceeded to do the half-assed action of texting. The text reads like this:

“I apologized. How about sending some pics or videos of Kaia before she end of with a broken heart! She complained of chest pain.”

First of all, that doesn’t really sound like a real apology. There is no acknowledgment of wrong doing, no sentiment of reflection that they did wrong or no expression of “I will never do this again.” That would be an adequate apology for a 5-year-old, not a 74-year-old. Also, was it really necessary to wrap it up with even more manipulative crap around my mom’s health and what I would be doing to wreck it?

There is really no end to the level of manipulation and “it’s all about me” with my parents.

It was unclear what my dad shared with my mom, but something got shared. And my mom sent me a text message asking me to call her last night, which I ignored. Then, she called and left a voice message. It went something like this:

“Yvonne, it’s me. Why are you doing this? You know, my health is not too good, and you will make it worse. The Bible says that children who are disobedient to their parents will face consequences…”

The voice message went on for another 25 seconds, but I didn’t listen to the rest of it because as soon as I heard that last line, I hung up and deleted the message. She’s pulling more of her manipulative, “it’s all about me” tactics and trying to guilt me to call her by blaming everything on me, once again, yet again. It’s always about her faux health and how everyone else’s actions make her health worse. It’s never about how she can help herself. It’s always about how other people wrong her and my dad, and they are these innocent, perfect beings who are just harmed by literally everyone else. Sure, the Bible does say that children should be obedient to their parents, but why should that even be relevant in this conversation when there’s nowhere in the Bible that says that parents can mistreat and constantly abuse their children? What consequences do parents who abuse their children face? Parents should face consequences for the awful actions they commit against their children. What does she have to say about that? Nothing, of course.

She can threaten me all she wants, but until I get an apology, she will never get what she wants.

My mom had told my dad multiple times to share photos of the crib and high chair they got from Craigslist with me, but she said he was “too busy” and never did it. Well, the reason it was too arduous for him is that he forgot he can actually use his smart phone… like an actual smart phone, and take a photo with it and text to me. I reminded my mom that he didn’t have to use his digital camera, upload, and email, but I’m not sure she really understood what I was saying. They have had smart phones for over a year now and still have no idea how to use them. My dad still randomly and accidentally texts me my mom’s number at least once a month.

So he sent me photos of these baby items “from friends” (a lie) and also sent me the measurements of the crib. The crib is NOT a crib: it’s a bassinet that is just as small as the bassinet Kaia outgrew in June. It’s unusable for her given her size. My dad insisted it could be used up to 12 months of age; yeah, maybe for a midget baby? They have no clue how things work with babies because it’s been too long for them. I told him that this bassinet is NOT a crib, it’s too small, and that I already told them my friend was loaning her pack and play to me. I also reminded him that he doesn’t have to email me photos from his digital camera; all he has to do is snap a photo from his phone and text to me. What was the response I got back? This is what he wrote, word for word:

“There is no room for the crib. You should just stay at the hotel as far as I’m concerned. Don’t fucken tell me what to do, bitch!”

You would think that after all these years of being yelled at, criticized, put down, and name-called by my dad for the most innocuous comments or actions done that I would be unfazed by this. But when I saw the email in my inbox, my face was burning hot, and I could feel my blood pressure rise rapidly. In that moment, I was reminded of the time when maybe 12 years ago, our dad screamed at Ed for something stupid as per usual at home, and even though Ed had gotten yelled at far more times than I ever did, Ed was in tears. My 30-something year old brother was in tears because of his dad. Just think about that for a second, and think about how absolutely heartbreaking that sounds. My dad’s screaming could drill my 30-something brother to tears, in just seconds. That’s the power he had over him.

In that moment, I decided that enough was enough. I had endured more uncalled for, wrongful treatment from them ever since I was a child. I had been name called, verbally and emotionally abused, wrongly accused of things I never did, gaslit, and made to feel like the worst daughter that ever existed. I was constantly called spoiled just for having the bare minimum. This was not the first time my dad had called me a bitch; in fact, I can’t even count on one hand the number of times it had happened. And it’s not the only bad word my dad had ever called me. I stuck by them through Ed’s suffering and death. I allowed them to be a part of my life, even when I really wanted to cut them out completely. I let them be a part of my wedding and even said really kind things about them in front of everyone they knew. Yet nothing I have ever done for them has been enough. All I have ever wanted is for them to be happy and proud for me. But no, that’s an impossibility. They are incapable of happiness or peace. They will never be happy. They will continue to live in their chosen clutter and dirt and squalor in that rotting and dilapidated house until the day they die — not because they have no money or options, but because they just love to be miserable and depressed.

So, this is the last straw for me. I’ve had to endure far more abuse than any one person should for the last 36 years. Broken promises, lies, accusations, name calling, constant insults. Enough is enough. And so I wrote this to him:

“All I did was give a suggestion. If you want to have that type of attitude at a simple suggestion, then you are the problem. What kind of father calls his daughter a bitch? I will not tolerate it. You have NO power over me. You will never meet Kaia with that attitude unless you apologize.”

My dad has never apologized to anyone in his entire life. He doesn’t even know what the word “apology” even means. He’s never been held accountable for anything he’s ever said or done, and like my mom, he thinks everyone else is the problem, not him.

So I realize this could mean that I’m actually, finally cutting them off, but maybe this is for the best. I am so sick of constantly putting their needs ahead of my own, compromising my mental health. I have a baby to care for and raise now. I need to set a good example for her, and I don’t want her exposed to this constant bullshit. This intergenerational family dysfunction needs to end HERE, right NOW.

The truth is that it’s not even just my parents’ behavior that disgusts me; they disgust me as human beings. It’s a sad thing to admit, but it is true. I’m disgusted and embarrassed by them. And I’m tired of always trying to honor them when I get treated like garbage in return.

They have no power over me. They will have no power over me.

A couple months ago, my uncle had a complete hip replacement. He knew it was coming up, and so he prepped his home to get ready for his limited mobility. He arranged for my cousin to bring him to the hospital, a neighbor friend to pick him up and stay with him the first night, and for most foods to be extremely simple and easy to prepare so that he’d stay well nourished. Our whole family has known that he would have this major surgery, but my parents only knew because my cousin and aunt told them. They never acknowledged to my uncle that they knew about it, and they never talked to him about it, nor did they ever offer to come visit him, bring him food, even drop off something nice for him. It sounded pretty petty and sad, especially since about eight years ago, not only did my uncle visit my dad in the hospital after his bypass surgery, but he also came to the house to visit him and dropped off a few things that would make his life a little easier during his recovery. Given the lifelong feuds between them, my uncle never had to do any of those things, but he was at least trying to be the bigger person.

I thought about all this stupid sibling feuding today because my aunt sent me a video of visiting my uncle at his home. My cousin and his wife went to visit, too. And I thought to myself, why can’t my parents just for once, try to be decent people and not live a “quid pro quo” life, and just do the right thing? In this case, if they actually visited him, it WOULD be quid pro quo because he actually visited my dad twice after his surgery! In my parents’ eyes, they are eternally perfect and can do no wrong; everyone else has wronged them. They are always the victims. It really doesn’t make any sense.

Another reason I was thinking about this was because since Kaia’s birth, I’ve thought a lot more about my reason for being and in general, my own mortality. And holding grudges and just having a negative outlook on life, especially in the latter half of your life, are just so draining. I wonder if they ever wonder why they are so miserable and seem to have no where to go, figuratively. I wonder if they ever think about how they could improve their lives with the means that they have, or if they just accept it as though “that’s just life.”