I went to Astor Place Hair tonight after work to get my haircut by my Sicilian hair stylist whose crazy facial expressions could rival my own, just with a cute Italian touch. She was asking me how my Thanksgiving was and marveled at the fact that I just came back from Germany and its intense Christmas markets. She insisted that I should have come in for my cut before the Germany trip so that I could show all the German men there how hot I was with the new light and bouncy look that she gave me. I was about to tell her that I actually came in tonight to get my hair cut before my next trip to Australia/New Zealand for this Saturday, but I caught myself because I felt guilty. She had just shared with me that she could only afford to go back to Italy every two years to visit her and her husband’s families, and they were getting priced out of their Astoria apartment. And here I was, taking three international trips in the span of one month.

I came from a childhood where I was taught that if you travel at all, you must be extremely wealthy. Once in college and in the working world, I realized that all that teaching was wrong, and as long as you have some money (hence broke college students backpacking through Europe or Asia), you can travel the world one bit at a time and not run into massive debts if you didn’t have deep pockets. But I do acknowledge that I’m extremely privileged to be in a position to do the travel that Chris and I have done together; I never take that thought for granted because I know there are people around me who need to save just to go on a trip to the state next door.

The part that makes me the most sad, and will continue to make me sad, is that my brother will never have the chance to do any of this travel. I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that he never had the chance to leave this country (well, he did in 2008 when my parents and I went to Vietnam, but he refused to go) and see the world outside of the U.S. My sweet, naive brother’s view of the world was so limited because he thought that was what life was supposed to be based on our upbringing, and he wasn’t able to push outside of that narrow view to think about the “what ifs” outside of even the city limits of San Francisco.

Wherever I go now, though, I will think of him lovingly and always ponder what his facial expressions and words might have been if he were traveling by my side. I really miss him.

I can’t believe it’s already December. Most of this year feels as though it just went by so quickly that when I look back on it, it’s one big blur. Maybe that’s a sign that I did too much this year, or maybe it’s just a sign that I am exhausted by the many events that happened, particularly the more painful ones.

Looking forward has been hard in a lot of ways because I think of what the future will be like without Ed. I’ve thought a lot about potential future events, such as moving to another city, getting another job, getting engaged, married, pregnant, and giving birth, and it feels empty whenever I think of him not being there. He’s been an integral part of my life forever, and now it’s like that “forever” has been taken away from me. The truth is that I know that no one else in this world will ever be happy or proud of me the way he was. But I hope he is still proud… somewhere up there.

After four and a half days in Germany, we are back home in New York, back to reality. Going back home after we’ve had so many new and interesting experiences is always sad because for the most part, that constant daily new discovery is somewhat gone, and instead, you are back in your semi routine doing similar things at similar times. Sometimes, routine is comforting, but other times, it tends to get bland.

Defining “home” has been weird for me in the last year. Earlier this year, I realized I actually felt comfortable saying I was from New York when traveling because… well, I do Iive here now and have been for over five years. Although San Francisco will always be my original home since that is where I was born and raised, it feels a little less like home every time I go back. And now that Ed isn’t there anymore, there’s an almost cold, sterile feeling I get every time I even think of going home. Home without my brother doesn’t feel right.

I don’t eat my apple in my hand. I actually like to have it sliced up and most of the time, even peel the skin off. The waxy texture of most non-organic apples has always annoyed me, but I’m trying to get over it by cutting off just some of the skin. And then other times, I buy organic apples.

Now, I cut fruit for Chris and me every day. He won’t eat fruit unless I cut it up for him (leaving it in the fruit bowl isn’t enough. He barely notices it). While cutting fruit today, I thought about how Ed used to also peel off apple skin and slice up all of his fruit. When I was home, we used to cut each other fruit and leave it there for each other if we were both there. I guess that’s another thing we have in common; we both continued eating fruit the same way it was served to us when we were kids. And then I was reminded of how our mother said that in the last couple of months before he left us, he stopped cutting up fruit and eating it altogether unless my mom cut it and put it in front of him. That must have been how little he cared at that point.

It would be nice to cut up fruit for Ed again.

Today marks the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s death. The entire country remembered him today in many different tributes and TV specials and mentions across all major news sources.

Today also marks four months since Ed left us. It’s funny when I think about it – whenever the anniversary of his death comes each year on July 22, the rest of the world will be celebrating another birthday for the son of Prince William and Kate Middleton, while my parents and I will be mourning the fact that I will never see my brother again. And now today, when everyone else is celebrating the life of JFK, I am thinking of my brother’s ashes sitting in his niche at the San Francisco Columbarium and why life had to be so cruel to him.

I suppose JFK has had a legacy in my own life. Chris actually mentioned this when we were watching the JFK mini series months ago. It sounds twisted, but if JFK had never been assassinated, he would have opposed being a part of the Vietnam War, which meant that my dad would never have been drafted to go. If he were never drafted, he never would have met my mother, so therefore, Ed and I never would have been born. It’s strange how things work out.

I’m not crying as often as I was months ago, but I still miss you, Ed. And as Thanksgiving and Christmas get closer, it feels a little worse and worse knowing you aren’t around anymore. Even if others aren’t thinking about you as deeply, I definitely am. I even took the big Macy’s Snoopy you gave me out of the closet against Chris’s “anti-clutter” wishes. He’s sitting on the bean bag in the living room now. He reminds me of you and your love for all things child-like.

Tonight, I had dinner with a former colleague friend and enjoyed lamb cheeks and lamb tagine at an Egyptian restaurant in Astoria. We exchange stories about our crazy friends and their crazy lives, among other things, but apparently, I win the award for having friends with the most dramatic and problem-filled lives. “Can you please stop talking about (insert name of friend)?” he said. “I don’t think I can handle hearing this anymore!” He then adds, “I need to introduce you to some of my friends.”

I would like to make new friends, but these Meetups haven’t really been working out the best, and given recent events in my life, my genuine drive to socialize and meet people is a bit low. He asked me why I am still friends with X, Y, and Z friend given their life decisions because they would be deal breakers for him.

Well, I suppose it isn’t as simple as I’d like it to be. I’ve disagreed with a lot of the decisions (or lack of decisions) that my friends have made over the years, and occasionally (to them, it seems like constantly) I tell them what I think in my own way, which of course, they don’t respond well to. We generally never respond well to anyone who descents from what we believe is the right decision for us, but I still think it’s an important thing to do. There’s no way we could always agree. And that’s also why we have different friends and not just one; when one drives us crazy because of one thing, you still have another friend who can fill that void for you.

I’m lucky I have multiple friends who I can rely on for different things, and they are people I can call close friends. It makes me sad when I think of people who just have a lot of acquaintance-type friends that they can’t lean on for anything other than grabbing dinner or a drink together. And then that reminds me of how bad I always felt that Ed never really had anyone he could call a real friend.

I hope he’s made lots of friends in heaven. Then when I join him one day, we can share friends and all laugh together.

A colleague sent my team this article today entitled, “Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid.” It’s a list compiled by a psychotherapist who thought that instead of just focusing on what mentally strong people do, it would also be important to look at what they do not do.

Sometimes, when I am idle and different thoughts are streaming in my head, I remember the first few seconds when I saw my brother for the first time after he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He was alone in the Columbarium hall, lying quietly in his casket with yellow roses sprayed over the top. The casket was half open so you could see him waist up. His glasses were on, and he wore the suit my parents picked out along with a shiny purple tie. It was a surreal experience to see him for the first time in four months, not breathing and completely embalmed..all of our shared blood drained out of him. Chris was at my side holding me as we walked up to him, probably that close in case I fainted and someone needed to catch me. Even though I knew he was dead, seeing him with my own eyes was such an excruciating shock. It was like cold electric sparks seeping through my blood stream and causing my breaths to shorten. And where those electric shocks were not being felt on my body, every other part was numb. The only words to come out of my mouth were, “Oh my god” over and over again.

That was the second worst moment of my life, with the first being when I found out he was really gone from this world. In both of those moments, I remember all these morbid thoughts going through my mind, like if someone just decided to run over me in their car or shoot me in the head, it would be okay because I could join Ed in heaven and see him sooner. At least I’ve had experiences I’d been really happy about that I felt enriched my life, like traveling to Asia and Europe, graduating from college, living in another city, falling in love, having a group of close friends. In those moments, I kept thinking about how Ed never had any of that and how much I hated that he didn’t. It just isn’t fair, and I keep thinking about it without even realizing it, and I catch myself.

I can still see his face from that day of his service. It often flashes in my mind when I least expect it. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or bad, but the one thing that is for sure is it always brings a sinking sensation.

This morning, Ed came back again. I dreamt of us at home, and he was telling me that he had a tooth ache. When I looked into his mouth, I noticed that there was some odd, off-white growth at his gum line, right under one of his teeth. When I pressed on it, it was squishy, as though there was pus inside of it. I got worried and told him that he needed to see the dentist right away. He probably had some sort of infection that needed treatment. Because he didn’t have dental insurance, he was hesitant to go, and I said it didn’t matter because I’d pay for his treatment. He reluctantly consented.

Ed was really responsible with his teeth. Probably until the day he died, he wore his retainer and mouth guard (apparently, teeth grinding runs in our family). He brushed his teeth twice a day and flossed thoroughly each night. We were both doomed because of our parents’ genes in the dental department, so we both had braces and retainers twice, and gum surgery (different types, though). That wasn’t fun for us, but I’m sure our dentists and orthodontists were elated because of the extra money in their pockets.

After he passed, we wanted to put his retainers in his casket, but we weren’t allowed to because there was metal in them (you can’t bury anything metal if you are being cremated. Good fact to know). My mother, after a few weeks, reluctantly discarded them. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. What if Ed’s spirit came back looking for them?

I guess it makes sense why around the holidays, those who can’t or choose not to spend Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with their family think about their family a lot. Traditionally, if you have left home for school or work or whatever reason, Thanksgiving and Christmas are the one or two times during the year when you will actually travel home for that family time.

It’s sad, though, when you look back at all those family times when you did travel back, and you never really remember being that excited about it, or you can’t seem to recall any Christmas when everyone genuinely seemed happy to be together. We always hear stories about people dreading the holidays because everyone seems to have one or two crazy aunts or cousins who stress everyone else out, but it’s the worst when it’s you who actually has to deal with that.

But how happy can you really get when you are fighting a battle with depression, and all of your emotions seem to be tainted with a deep sadness? What is the happiest state that is possible then? I may never know. I know that when I used to come home, Ed would always be excited, but I have no idea how to rank that on a scale compared to my own “happy scale” when I am happy.

It’s excruciatingly painful when you can’t understand how someone you love feels and sees the world.