What is it about football that gets everyone all excited, anyway? I don’t see anything that is really athletic or “skilled” about it. It seems to be a sport that gives men an excuse to get super fat and bulky and just tackle and get rough with each other. At least with a sport like baseball, which I don’t even like, I can actually see the skill and technique that goes into it. I’d say the same for sports like soccer (football in every normal country outside of the U.S.), basketball, tennis, etc. The men who play it don’t even run that much.

Maybe it’s Reprise and working on Hyundai and Kia ads for four years that ruined Super Bowl for me. Or maybe it’s the fact that I did advertising for Super Bowl all those years, and I always disliked football and the NFL in general.

It also doesn’t help that Super Bowl day is a day of the year that supposedly known to have one of the highest reported rates of domestic violence. Isn’t it interesting how rough “sports” like football bring out the worst in men?

As the wedding planning continues, it seems like Ed feels left out that he doesn’t get to be here to experience it, or at least listen to me talk about it. I had another dream that I saw him, this time dressed up in a light grey suit, wearing a very unattractive bright blue tie. Then, out of nowhere, all three of the cousins I grew up with are also wearing an identical suit with the exact same tie. Ed heads down the stairs out our family’s house, and all three of my cousins begin walking down, too. When I ask Ed where they are going, he says that they are all headed to a funeral. A mutual friend had passed away. When I asked who, he ignores me, and so do all of my cousins. I feel frustrated and start yelling, which slightly echoes on our block.

It’s been a strange period in my life, researching wedding venues, catering menus, and everything related, knowing that Ed won’t be there during this process or on the day we get married. I always anticipated that he’d ask really annoying questions about things like the menu, if our celebrant was going to be Christian, if I’d ever considered having a church wedding to be in the presence of God. The strangest thing was that the other night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and for a split second I thought I was at our parents’ house, in the room we shared, and I looked to my right expecting to see him sleeping there, but instead, Chris was sleeping beside me, and we weren’t in San Francisco; we were in our hotel room in Torrance for our LA weekend trip. I still have small moments where for a second, I forget he’s really gone, and then when it hits me, I not only feel stupid, but I get that same pain in my eyes that I felt when I knew for certain he was gone. It doesn’t last very long, but just long enough so that I know I’ll never get over losing him.

I had a dream last night that I was in my parents’ house sitting in the living room with my mom, discussing the invitation list for the wedding and who would be likely to come and who would not. I knew this was a dream immediately because I would never be sitting down to have any formal conversation about wedding planning with my parents. My mom just wants to know the date and location and little else, and the one time I’ve mentioned wedding venue research planning to my dad, he said, “Oh,” and then immediately changed the subject. The two of them never had a real wedding; they had the equivalent of a city hall wedding in Quy Nhon, and then my dad sent my mom on a plane to San Francisco while my dad finished his service in Vietnam. These were all practical decisions — no fuss, no flowers, nothing exciting or even remotely elaborate out of practical reasons (being in war-torn Vietnam) and financial reasons (both my parents were obviously broke and had no money, and neither did either set of their parents). So from their perspective, weddings aren’t really a necessity. If we had to be cynical about it, weddings are just an ostentatious way of showing off to the world how much you have to potentially spend, as well as a way to be materialistic and get more gifts and money from family and friends.

So in the dream, we’re sitting and discussing, and we’re going over family lists, friend lists, and Chris’s side. My mom suddenly breaks down and starts crying, and when I ask her what’s wrong, she says that Ed isn’t on this list, and that Ed won’t be coming to the wedding no matter what, but he should be on the list and he should be coming. I immediately feel awful and get a sick feeling in my throat, and then I start crying, too.

Then I wake up, and I am moaning and crying without realizing I have woken up.

I knew this was going to be difficult for me — going through this big process and stage in my life without my brother’s presence. In reality, Ed probably would not have been involved much at all in the wedding planning. He might have given his two cents here and there on things like location, venue, or even wedding favors, but the most exciting thing for him would have been the wedding day. But this is my reality now — an earthly world without him. Every small and big step I take in my life from the point of his death onward will be without him, his annoying comments, his little smiles and pats of affection. This is my reality now.

As a birthday gift, my friend got me a Valentine’s day card making workshop at the Paper Source on the Upper West Side. It’s probably one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve been given since I love arts and crafts, particularly card making, and I’ve always wanted to try heat embossing but have been scared to do it by myself.

During the workshop, I was chatting with the woman sitting across from me and the class instructor, who is actually a volunteer at Paper Source who teaches classes for fun. She has a day job that she finds un-stimulating, so she does these classes and crafts in her free time as her source of creativity. We were all talking about how much we loved handmade things and homemade cards, but we knew few other people who are as obsessed or passionate.

The sad thing about that is that it’s the most exciting thing not just to give a card you spent so much time on, but to know that the person who received it knows how much effort you put into it and loves it just as much, if not more. But how often do we meet people like this in the busy times that we live now? If I add a heat embossed stamp image to each envelope of my wedding invitations, which of my guests is actually going to notice the raised design on the outside and even call it out?