Here it comes

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In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about Ed. About two years ago to this day, Ed did a hike with some church friends and apparently outpaced all of them reaching the peak. He powered through it and didn’t take any breaks. He never told me about the hike, but I heard that he went through our dad, who told me afterwards.

Why didn’t he ever tell me about these things when I asked him? I wondered. Every time I’d call him, I’d ask him what he’d been up to lately, and his answer was always the same: “Nothing.” It was like pulling teeth for him to talk to me on the phone. I’ll be honest: as much as I love my brother, he was always one of the worst people to speak with over the phone. He’s impossible to read when you are talking to him that way, and he hates the telephone. He never enjoyed answering the phone and preferred to let all calls go straight to the answering machine. It used to drive me crazy, and I would always get so exasperated. I know he would have been more honest and open with me about his activities if I had been there in person.

I remember the photo that his church friend shared from that hike via e-mail after I requested pictures. Everyone in the photo is smiling at the camera except him. His face stares into the camera, lonely, a little sad, distant from the world in many ways. I can’t even bring myself to look at it now because I know how upset I will be if I do. I look back at the time when he was alive, and I can’t help but think that there were too many things that were left unsaid, or perhaps not said enough, or emphasized enough, and now it’s too late. It’s been almost two years since he’s passed, and I still think about these things. It’s not so much my own pain that lingers as strongly, but more the pain he felt that seems to stay with me, maybe because I never fully had the capacity to understand it, and also because of the helplessness of his pain. It’s as though the pain was so deep that even God couldn’t help him at that point, and Ed just let go.

“I’m not a feminist”

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I recently read an article about Michelle Phan, the makeup guru and entrepreneur who became famous by creating and posting makeup lessons on YouTube. She has been labeled as a feminist given that she is a female entrepreneur, and her general response to it was that she doesn’t think she is, as she thinks it’s important not just to celebrate women, but to celebrate men. It’s really sad that there are so many people out there, particularly women, who don’t understand that “feminism” does NOT mean that you just want to celebrate women, burn bras, and bash men; it’s simply about equality for both women and men. It’s that simple, really, yet it isn’t that simple to so many people, sadly.

People who think that the feminist movement was overdone or still is overdone have no idea how much they benefit from all the changes that have been brought on because of it to this day, every single day. I once had this science teacher in middle school who was great at science, great at teaching, but probably great at little else. He said to us one day, “I always got why you need to learn science and math and English in school. But why do you need history? What benefit does it really bring to any of our lives?” At the time, I was only 13 and thought all my history classes were so boring and all about memorizing facts and dates, so I kind of agreed with him then. Now, as a grown adult, I think he’s moronic for making a statement like that, especially to teenagers. If you can’t understand history and know it, you will be doomed to ignorance and a total lack of understanding of how and why things are the way they are today.

Women vote today because of the feminist movement. They can own property, decide who they can marry, actually divorce and have it granted because of the feminist movement. Rape crisis centers were developed because of feminists; rape is actually considered a crime now because of feminism. Marital rape became illegal just in the 1990s because of it. We can work actual professional jobs and sit in board rooms now because of the feminist movement, and not just as secretaries or typists, but as actual real business people and key decision makers. It makes me sad that so many women take these rights for granted and have no context behind these laws today. These rights are actually privileges we have today because of sacrifices that other women and men on our behalf made for us, for future generations so we wouldn’t have to go through the same pain and tyranny that they once faced. We owe it to future generations of women to ensure that they, even more than today because we still have a long way to go, become true equals of men in this society.

Gun shot

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I had a very vivid dream last night. I was back home in San Francisco, and I’m in my dad’s car with my parents as my dad is driving up the hill. As we reach the top, I see Ed and my cousin standing there, seemingly in an argument. As I look closer, I realize that Ed has a gun in his hand as he waves it around, and I hear their argument: my cousin is trying to convince Ed not to shoot himself. Ed wants to end his life. I start yelling at my dad to stop the car, but he refuses. “He’s going to do what he wants, so just let him do it,” my dad says. “He never listens to anything we say, so what difference will it make?” I scream at him and tell him that’s not the point; we need to help him because he needs us now, at this very second. We keep arguing and screaming at each other, and I threaten to jump out of the moving vehicle if he does not pull over. When he finally stops the car, I run out and get to the top of the block to see that Ed has already shot himself in the head. Blood is everywhere surrounding his skull, and my cousin is lying over him, screaming and crying for Ed’s life. Our mom runs over and is wailing, and our dad stands there stoically and says nothing.

It’s like a reminder to me that Ed is never coming back, and my parents will always be who they are, as frustrating and painful as it is for me.

Tokyo research

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I’ve been consumed in the last week with researching what to see, smell, and taste in Japan for our upcoming trip in July. I began by researching the history and sights of Hiroshima, then Kyoto, and now Tokyo and the surrounds. I suppose I left Tokyo to the end because I knew how overwhelming it would be. It’s a massive city with a population of over 36.9 million, which is almost double the population of New York City, the biggest city in the U.S. It’s famed for its high energy, fusion of the modern and the traditional, and endless eateries. Robot restaurants, rice cookers with 20 different settings, women with mile-long fake eyelashes, and matcha green tea-flavored everything abound.

Five years ago, Tokyo surpassed Paris for having the most number of Michelin-star rated restaurants in the world, which is pretty impressive given a lot of these restaurants are random no-ambiance sushi restaurants that don’t necessarily live up to the stereotypical image of the “ideal” in French culture. So when it comes to doing research on what and where to eat, it’s an endless list on every food blog and news site on what’s considered the best and what’s worth waiting for at multiple price points. To make matters more complicated, not all restaurants’ Romanized names are written on their store fronts, so I have to create a guide with both the Japanese name Romanized and the Japanese characters. And because of how large Japan is, we need to organize restaurants by location/neighborhood and food type.

I don’t think I’ve ever planned a trip where I was more overwhelmed by all the options that faced me. I guess I could have felt that way about cities like Shanghai and Paris, which have endless things to see and do, but for some reason, because I’ve been wanting to go to Tokyo for so long, especially after a failed planned trip when I was 21, that all the hype and energy has accumulated to a point where I want to make sure I see and do as much is humanly possible during my first trip there without not sleeping. 🙂

 

Trends

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I’ve never really followed fashion trends much. It’s not that I don’t like to wear interesting clothes or jewelry, but more that I tend to get annoyed very easily by the mere act of trying on clothing or the actual search itself. I don’t find much joy in dressing up a shirt with a belt, or wearing piles of bangles on my wrists to make my outfit look more stylish. After high school, I really got over the excitement of going shopping with friends at a mall or shopping center and always dreaded the idea that I needed to buy something new for some occasion, whether it was a wedding or for an internship.

The other reason I get annoyed by shopping is that what I tend to like ends up being really expensive. I’m sure most people with any decent taste would agree with me when I say that. Today, I tried on a pair of aviator sunglasses with an interesting cross design above the nose. It seemed quite unique to me, and I noted the price even though I was undecided whether this pair really flattered my face. I went online and started looking at similar pairs and found a pair I liked a lot. And this pair ends up being over three times as expensive as the original pair I was unsure about. Okay, the search needs to stop right here.

Wait

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Last night, I dreamt I was back home and browsing Whitney Houston songs on Spotify. As I’m scanning songs to add to a playlist, Ed comes into the room and I immediately run up and throw my arms around him. He hugs me back, and he says he has to go to work, but before that, he has to go to Sears. He is putting on his shoes, and I ask him to wait to go to Sears because I want to go with him. He says he can’t wait; he has to go now. Why? I ask. He looks around to make sure no one else is in sight, and he whispers that he has to go now, otherwise, our father will get angry at him for not spending enough hours at work, and he may not pick him up at work when he gets off late at night. I said to him that was was ridiculous. Of course he’s going to come pick you up! He has to! Wait for me? I ask him again. He doesn’t respond, and I wrap my arms around him tight and squeeze him again. I start crying and tell him I don’t want him to go without me. “Wait for me?” I can feel his arms around me holding me, but he doesn’t respond back.

I awoke from this dream this morning and felt miserable. I lingered in bed for another hour. I read some news, which included news of Beau Biden’s funeral. Many famous politicians were quoted, saying incredible things about this life cut short. Reading the article only made me feel worse. And in the background, Chris is on Skype catching up with his cousin, and they are laughing loudly. I’ve always known that when I hear laughter when I feel sour or upset, I tend to get infuriated by the sound. I hate hearing other people laugh when I’m in a bad mood. It just puts me in an even worse mood. Why should other people laugh when I feel miserable? I don’t want to hear it. I just want to tune it all out.

Relative comparisons

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I hate it when people try to guilt people for feeling what they feel by saying things like, “There are starving children in Africa,” or “There are wars going on in poor countries where people are dying every day, and you’re getting upset/complaining about (fill in the blank with whatever first world problem you are annoyed about).”

I think that any remotely smart person in this country is aware that she’s pretty lucky relative to the rest of the world. In this country, we don’t have to worry about leaving our house and potentially getting bombed on the way to work. We don’t have to think twice when we drink water out of our tap. We also have so much food to eat that over 40 percent of all food bought here is wasted and thrown out (that is so sad). But I think it’s unfair to make the comparison to starving children or war torn countries when we discuss the problems we face. We only truly know what we face in our own lives each day, so why should we be guilted and shut up by the thought that there are people starving and dying elsewhere? I don’t think that when someone complains about not getting a job or a certain pair of shoes or even a restaurant reservation here needs to think about starving children in Africa as her first thought when she wakes up every morning. Yes, we need to be thankful for what we have, but to use that as a guilt trip is just unfounded. You could use that excuse every single time someone complained about anything here in the U.S., which is just stupid. Complaining is part of human nature. When it gets excessive, it’s terrible, but we will always complain about certain areas of our lives because that’s the way we are programmed. We can only compare what we have to what is facing us, not something that is thousands of miles away and out of reach.

Costs around the world

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In the U.S., it generally costs more to buy fresh produce than it does to buy processed (yet filling) meals, such as a box of Kraft instant macaroni and cheese, a Cup-of-Noodle, or something else that is not particularly healthy for you. It’s part of the reason poor people tend to have worse diets and be more obese — they don’t have enough money to buy what’s good for them, so they go for what’s cheap and filling because they don’t want to starve to death.

In other countries, the costs tend to be more on par or even cheaper. I remember walking around food markets in many other places around the world and marveling over how cheap their produce was. Food in large grocery stores tended to be more expensive than at these markets. With skincare, as I am researching things to buy in Japan for our upcoming trip, skincare that is of a certain quality is relatively so cheap there compared to here. A bottle of equivalent quality cleansing oil that costs about $30 here costs $8-10 there. A $4 mascara in Tokyo would probably cost somewhere between $15-20 here.

The way I look at this is, perhaps if a society values something more and looks at it as vital, then maybe that’s why it’s more reachable in terms of affordability. If we absolutely must have fresh fruit and vegetables, it should be more affordable, right? The same should go for good skincare (sunblock, face creams). The more expensive they are, the more out of reach, and thus fewer people will buy them. If this is true, then I’d think the U.S. just doesn’t value good diet and health (via quality of skin and body through skincare regimen), which would be quite sad.

“Shanghai” restaurants in New York City

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I don’t know why, but there are so many restaurants in Manhattan Chinatown that claim to be Shanghainese. There’s Joe’s Shanghai, Shanghai Gourmet, Shanghai Asian Manor, Shanghai Asian Cuisine, just to name a few. All of them serve xiao long bao (soup dumplings). Most of them serve random Sichuanese dishes, like the hong you chao sou (Sichuanese mini spicy wontons), albeit they are not spicy at all and are actually quite sweet. That’s the problem I’m seeing with a lot of these restaurants. They try to do things they don’t know, and they replace the spice and heat with sweetness. When did spice become replaceable with sweetness? The eggplant dish was too sweet. The wonton dish was too sweet. The mapo tofu dish had absolutely no heat and was also too sweet. It’s probably one of the reasons that a lot of people who claim to hate Chinese food get mad. There are too many subpar restaurants who have goopy sweet or salty sauces that aren’t truly representative of how great and varied Chinese cuisine can be.

 

Mother of the groom

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It’s pretty clear that I lucked out in the parents-in-law area. My in-laws are smart, generally open-minded people who are world travelers that would put most of us to shame. They’ve welcomed me into their lives with open arms and without any real hesitation. But I knew that at some point, we’d disagree on something. I guess that some point has come now.

None of these things are big things. They are quite small in the grand scheme of problems we could have. My future mum-in-law has indicated that while she enjoyed the sample wedding album that we shared with her from our chosen wedding photographer, she didn’t find them particularly unique and was expecting something different. I get that not everyone understands photography technique and editing the way I might since I scrutinize photos like crazy and took a while to make my photographer decision, but wedding photos are wedding photos. No matter how personalized and “you” that you make your wedding, you will definitely have photos that look like other people’s wedding photos: the bride walking down the aisle, the bride and groom standing together and posing, family shots, cake cutting, dancing, etc. You can’t really make these things that different. It’s just the way it is. The editing will make the difference in the end in terms of color.

She’s also indicated that she is against the idea of us having a nanny. “You have to raise your own kids!” she exclaimed at Chris when Chris mentioned that we would eventually have a nanny. I didn’t get involved in the conversation, but I was definitely not that comfortable listening to it. The thing about being in a dual-income family is that if both partners are working full-time, you can’t really get by having children and not have some external help, whether it’s from family, an extremely good friend, or professional help through a daycare or a nanny. It’s just not feasible. I have no desire to be a stay-at-home mother and wife. Chris’s parents had the luxury of having Chris’s dad’s parents take care of the kids while his own parents worked full time. My parents had the luxury of having my grandmother live with us while all of us were growing up. They had help — it was just unpaid and done by family. If we’re not living in San Francisco or Melbourne when we raise our children, we’re not going to have familial help, either, so the only option is hired help. People seem to forget the little luxuries they’ve had when they judge other people’s choices, which is a little frustrating.