I had a dream last night that I was in my parents’ house sitting in the living room with my mom, discussing the invitation list for the wedding and who would be likely to come and who would not. I knew this was a dream immediately because I would never be sitting down to have any formal conversation about wedding planning with my parents. My mom just wants to know the date and location and little else, and the one time I’ve mentioned wedding venue research planning to my dad, he said, “Oh,” and then immediately changed the subject. The two of them never had a real wedding; they had the equivalent of a city hall wedding in Quy Nhon, and then my dad sent my mom on a plane to San Francisco while my dad finished his service in Vietnam. These were all practical decisions — no fuss, no flowers, nothing exciting or even remotely elaborate out of practical reasons (being in war-torn Vietnam) and financial reasons (both my parents were obviously broke and had no money, and neither did either set of their parents). So from their perspective, weddings aren’t really a necessity. If we had to be cynical about it, weddings are just an ostentatious way of showing off to the world how much you have to potentially spend, as well as a way to be materialistic and get more gifts and money from family and friends.

So in the dream, we’re sitting and discussing, and we’re going over family lists, friend lists, and Chris’s side. My mom suddenly breaks down and starts crying, and when I ask her what’s wrong, she says that Ed isn’t on this list, and that Ed won’t be coming to the wedding no matter what, but he should be on the list and he should be coming. I immediately feel awful and get a sick feeling in my throat, and then I start crying, too.

Then I wake up, and I am moaning and crying without realizing I have woken up.

I knew this was going to be difficult for me — going through this big process and stage in my life without my brother’s presence. In reality, Ed probably would not have been involved much at all in the wedding planning. He might have given his two cents here and there on things like location, venue, or even wedding favors, but the most exciting thing for him would have been the wedding day. But this is my reality now — an earthly world without him. Every small and big step I take in my life from the point of his death onward will be without him, his annoying comments, his little smiles and pats of affection. This is my reality now.

As a birthday gift, my friend got me a Valentine’s day card making workshop at the Paper Source on the Upper West Side. It’s probably one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve been given since I love arts and crafts, particularly card making, and I’ve always wanted to try heat embossing but have been scared to do it by myself.

During the workshop, I was chatting with the woman sitting across from me and the class instructor, who is actually a volunteer at Paper Source who teaches classes for fun. She has a day job that she finds un-stimulating, so she does these classes and crafts in her free time as her source of creativity. We were all talking about how much we loved handmade things and homemade cards, but we knew few other people who are as obsessed or passionate.

The sad thing about that is that it’s the most exciting thing not just to give a card you spent so much time on, but to know that the person who received it knows how much effort you put into it and loves it just as much, if not more. But how often do we meet people like this in the busy times that we live now? If I add a heat embossed stamp image to each envelope of my wedding invitations, which of my guests is actually going to notice the raised design on the outside and even call it out?

After three years of having first level status on two different airlines, I was tired of just having the equivalent of “silver” or “gold” status. I wanted platinum status on airlines. I was sick of always going to the airport and knowing I’d only get lounge access because of Chris’s Qantas club membership or because of his oneworld sapphire status. And then this past year, from both work and fun travel, I gained my own platinum status. And my platinum status card arrived in the mail today! I’d finally get into lounges in my own right!

Wrong. The pamphlet that accompanied my platinum card said I would get oneworld partner airline access — only if flying abroad on either American Airlines or partner airlines. And unfortunately, Canada, Mexico, Bermuda, and anywhere in the Caribbean do not count as “international” destinations. When I am flying my cross country flights from New York City to San Francisco, I will get no lounge access. When I take flights for work to Atlanta or Fort Lauderdale, no lounge access for me.

I called an AA Platinum representative and lectured her about how little logic there was in granting American Airlines platinum members access to partner lounges on international flights but no lounge access too American Airline platinum members on domestic flights. The domestic flights will be the majority of the flights I will be taking — I live in this country, and that’s why I’m loyal to this domestic airline! Why can’t you people understand this? She gave a sympathetic sigh and said there was nothing she could do since it also didn’t make much sense to her, but she couldn’t change or make the rules. And then she asked if I wanted to purchase lounge access for $450 this year (discounted from $500 for non-status members) or pay 65,000 miles.

They are getting no more of my money. They get enough as is.