Hey! Remember me?

And then, when you least expect it, you get reminded of what you lost.

I went to sleep this morning at around 4am after leaving the dance floor at 3:30am. I’m proud to say I was one of the last ten people in the room for the DJ that would have gone on until 7am as per French wedding protocol. Then I woke up at around 8:30 having dreamt about going through my brother’s things after his passing. I’m sitting on the floor next to his desk in the dining room, rummaging through notes, books, and boxes. I come across a bag that has familiar writing on it; it’s my friend Natasha’s handwriting. I could identify that handwriting from miles away. It’s a note she wrote to my brother describing that she put together a care package for him of things to encourage him and make him smile. She included an inspirational book, some of his favorite snacks, among other things. Neither Natasha nor my brother told me that she did this for him. Finding it was bittersweet for me. I was touched that she did this for him, but felt awful that he’s now gone. In my dream, I sit there and stare at her handwriting, wondering what Ed thought when he was given the gift.

In the happiest and saddest times, he’s still there hanging out, saying, “Hey, remember me? I’m still here even though I’m not. I’ll watch over when you’re feeling good and terrible, and I’ll try to continue being happy for you.” I’d like to say this dream was more hopeful and positive, but in the back of my mind, these dreams just make me sad because it’s a reminder that he isn’t here, even if his presence is still felt halfway across the world. It’s the never ending thought, the sad and final truth.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing him, and I know when my wedding day comes, it will be hard because I’ll know he should have been there. I’ll try my best to be strong for him… as much as I can. I have to be strong for both of us, even more so than when he was alive.

 

Fairy tale wedding

Today was one of those one-day-in-a-lifetime days when I got to experience a fairy tale in real life — a wedding at a chateau in the French countryside complete with endless white and pink roses, ending with torches shooting their flames up high toward a sky of fireworks. It’s one of those things that American girls dream about growing up, but they never really get that type of wedding in the end because how many American girls will have a destination wedding at a chateau in France?

Since I left home in 2004 for college, I’ve realized exactly how sheltered I’d been about the world, and every day I’m learning exactly how little I didn’t know the day before. When Navine and Andy began planning their wedding, Navine said to me that she originally didn’t want to have a chateau wedding, that she wanted to do something “different” and get married along the French Riviera where there was warm weather, sunny skies, and the beach. She grew up in Paris attending weddings at chateaux because that’s what the French do when they get married — have a multiple-day-long celebration at a chateau. I laughed out loud when she said this because I thought, yeah, that’s not what my version of “normal” and “what everyone does” was when I was growing up. I grew up thinking the normal, everyday thing to do when getting married was having a church wedding and having a Chinese banquet at a Chinese restaurant, or having a wedding and reception at a hotel or country club. Our versions of “normal” or “cliche” are so different depending on where we grew up and how we were raised. It still makes me laugh to think of Navine rolling her eyes at a chateau wedding and thinking it’s a cliche.

At the end of the night, she and I chatted, and I told her how beautiful it all was today and how it really was very much like a fairy tale. She was glowing and saying, “Screw the French Riviera and the beaches and the sun; this is perfect!”

That’s how I felt. But I guess she’ll get to see our wedding overlooking a beach in just a few months, and that will be incredible in its own way. I’ll be honest and say that after being a part of this wedding, I felt slightly insecure and thought our wedding may be nothing compared to the extravagance of today. But as corny as it sounds, as long as the people we care about are there and I don’t screw up my vows, I think our wedding day will be another version of “epic,” and that’s coming from someone who never uses that word.

Tea ceremony

Today, the wedding events began with a tea ceremony at Navine’s parents’ home in Paris, and ended with the largest bonfire I’ve ever seen at the chateau about an hour away in the French countryside. As with most Chinese events, the food was endless, and the food offered to the ancestors to bless the marriage was even more endless. We left the bride’s family’s home wondering what would happen with that huge roasted suckling pig, the duck, and all the fruit and sticky rice cake offerings. My family has never hosted a tea ceremony, so I have no idea if all that food really gets eaten or not.

Chris’s cousins’ parents and family were asking me if we would also have a Chinese tea ceremony when we got married. My first response is laughter, not because I think it’s dumb or ludicrous, but more because my parents would barely understand what a tea ceremony is for or what they would do during it. My dad is less Chinese than I am, and my mom doesn’t know anything about tea ceremonies and is Vietnamese. I summed it up nicely by saying, “No, my family isn’t that Chinese.”

I think these traditions are a great thing to have and to continue, and I was happy to be able to be a part of this one. I’m honestly a little sad that my family isn’t that Chinese and won’t be doing it because it ultimately means that any potential future generation of our family will not do it. If I didn’t have a tea ceremony, it’d be like a farce if I ever wanted my future children to have one. None of my cousins had a tea ceremony when they got married, either. It’s like the degradation of cultural identity as the generations continue and the lack of understanding of what the value is to keep these traditions going.

French in Paris

The last time I came to Paris, I felt so shattered every time I tried to speak French, and the response would generally be extremely impatient or gruff accented English. This time, it seems that I’m getting better service everywhere. People are actually responding back to me in French, or when they do respond back in English, it’s generally been in a very friendly tone. I don’t know if it’s because of where I am going this time around, or maybe it’s because I look older and can somehow command more respect even though it’s only been four years? The language is coming back to me quicker than I thought it would, and as the days go by, I can feel my listening comprehension getting better.

And there’s really no better place to practice your French than in the endless boulangeries, patisseries, and chocolate and tea shops all over Paris. Today, I dragged Chris and his parents all over Paris to three different chocolate shops (Jacques Genin, La Maison Du Chocolat, and Patrick Roger), a gorgeous and famous bakery (Du Pain et Des Idees), a macaron/chocolate shop (the love that is Pierre Herme), and a Parisian ice cream shop (Berthillon — incredible cassis, pistachio, salted caramel and mango ice creams and sorbets). In between, we managed to squeeze in lunch at Le Comptoir in Saint Germain and a visit to L’Orangerie to visit Monet’s endless water lilies panels. This trip to Paris has been fuller and more positive than the last one, not just for the language aspect, but also because the eating has been better because of my endless research before we arrived.

Canele

One interesting thing we learned during the wine tours we did in the Saint Emilion region yesterday was that egg whites have historically been used in large portions to take out excess tannins from the wine barrels between individual wine storing. Once upon a time, this process had to be manually done by workers at wineries and vineyards, and they’d individually crack each and every egg, separate the yolk from the white, and then apply the mixed whites to the barrels. When one of the wine tour guides said this, I immediately thought, I wonder if they use all those leftover egg yolks for custard, perhaps crème brulee? No, I was wrong. In this region, they use it for the regional treat for which Bordeaux is famous – the canele! Although I’d had a few canele in New York from French bakeries, I’d never thought much about the way they were made and what ingredients were used to make it; I just assumed whole eggs were used. After yesterday, now I know that they are basically like a custard, heavy on the yolks, with a slightly crispy exterior in a cute scalloped and almost mini-tube like mold.

On our way back from Saint Emilion to the city of Bordeaux yesterday evening, our guide took us to La Toque Cuivree, a bakery famous for its award-winning canele. They are so famous that they only produce this one dessert – just in three different sizes – bite sized, “lunch,” and “gros.” They had recently added caramels that have little bits of canele incorporated into them to their tiny line-up of goodies sold (I’m sure they used the stale canele for these to eliminated waste).

We brought them back to our hotel and tried one each… And then immediately both went for our seconds. I hate to be cliché about this, but they were simply perfect and exactly as Henri, our guide, described they should be: slightly crunchy and crackly on the outside, with a moist, nearly gooey creamy custard on the inside. The single flavor that they came in from La Toque Cuivree was rum, and the rum flavor was very strong and forward. “You must eat them today,” he warned us, as after a day, they start becoming chewy, which is like a canele crime. Well, I’ve definitely called caneles I’ve had in New York “chewy” on the inside, which obviously means the ones I had were either old or just not made correctly.

The saddest thing about having epicurean experiences like this in far away places is that you know when you go back home, you just won’t get the exact same taste or experience again, and if you do, it will probably cost you. Those “chewy” caneles I’ve had from other bakeries in New York have cost at least two to four times what I paid today in Bordeaux, and that makes me so sad to know I would need to pay more for an inferior product just to eat something closer to him that either slightly resembles the best or just flat out insults its integrity.

Meaning of “World Heritage” in Bordeaux

Yesterday late afternoon, we took the TGV down to Bordeaux to visit the wine regions for which the area is famous, as well as the little medieval town called Saint Emilion. Today, we hired a guide to take us out to the Saint Emilion and Pomerol wine regions. Chris is more familiar with different wine varietals than I am, though we both enjoy wine and pretty much all alcohol, but Bordeaux wine has always eluded him given that it’s not so much the grape varietal that matters, but the chateau from which the wine came. There are thousands of chateaux in the area, though. That apparently has caused a lot of lack of understanding of the wine in this area not just for those outside of France, but also even for those in the Bordeaux region itself!

We saw and tasted many impressive and beautiful things today, but when our guide described to us the real meaning of living and working in a UNESCO World Heritage site, I couldn’t believe it and was shocked; I’d never even thought of things like that before. The town of Saint Emilion has UNESCO World Heritage status, which means that anyone that builds or owns anything within the town’s limits needs to have approvals for anything and everything that happens there. In addition to that, as an owner or builder, you can only hire certain contractors, certain architects, certain workers to construct for you. That’s another code for: you don’t really own what you own. You have to be dictated what to do and how to do it, and definitely how much money you are going to spend on it (which is clearly a LOT because these people will charge you as much as they can since they know they have the power to given the laws). It was tiring to hear how arduous the entire process was. What he described sounded like a retiree’s nightmare. This certainly wasn’t a place any French person would want to retire to no matter how quaint, quiet, and beautiful the town of Saint Emilion is. If anyone thinks it’s strict in cities like San Francisco or New York, don’t even think about this area.

Les Restaurants et les chiens

I think this is the very first Sunday I’ve been in Paris because I don’t remember ever being here and having to worry or think about things being closed. We were trying to arrange a lunch with Chris’s parents, who arrived several days ago, and it took me almost half an hour to find something between TripAdvisor or Yelp that was actually open, affordable, and decently rated (I read both the French and the English reviews; thankfully, the Yelp presence seems quite good in this city, unlike many other parts of Europe). I ended up picking a cute and cozy creperie along a small street near the Paris Catacombs, which we planned on visiting afterward. The entire little street was full of creperies, one after the other. If I hadn’t done any research beforehand and were forced to pick one out of the many, I would have been overwhelmed. The place we picked turned out to be delicious – I had the classic buckwheat crepe with ham, egg, and cheese, and we all shared a bottle of red. The edges of the crepe were thin and crispy, and the ham was so good. The last time I had ham this enjoyable was in Brazil last year. Ham in the U.S. is so hit and miss… and usually miss.

When our meal ended and we were getting ready to leave, I went to the restroom and noticed a diner’s dog lying on the floor by their table with his eyes closed, his tail wagging. I smiled and thought about how that would never fly in the U.S. at any indoor restaurant because of the seemingly strict health codes. I’ve never really cared about people’s pets coming into stores like Walgreen’s or Duane Reade, or even grocery stores like Fairway or Lucky. What’s the big deal anyway if the animal is on a leash? We seem to pride ourselves on food safety and such in the U.S., but I don’t really think that people in France get food poisoning at a higher rate than back home, and even if they did, it definitely could not be because of the pets going into drug stores and restaurants.

Paris for me then vs. now

We spent our first full day in Paris today. After arriving on our overnight flight in six and a half hours, we took the train into the city, checked into our hotel, showered, and went off to see the City of Lights.

As for our first few destinations, I dragged Chris to Poilane, the famous boulangerie known for its round loaves of sourdough, punition cookies, and croissant. The chausson au pomme and pain au chocolat did not disappoint, but unfortunately, the punition (little punishment) cookies weren’t as great as I was hoping. I’d actually picked up Dorie Greenspan’s Paris Sweets baking book many years ago, and she had included the punitions cookie recipe from Poilane in it. I made them several times and really enjoyed the simplicity of this slightly crunchy butter cookie that is so delicate that its dough requires very light kneading and a cookie mold. The punitions today, which were handed out complimentary to visitors at the bakery, were hard, almost brick like to bite into, and Chris was less than impressed (“that was crap,” he muttered afterwards). My dreams were shattered a bit. And I felt myself feeling a little snobbish; I thought that my version of punition was better than the punition creator’s and the bakery that made them so famous that they export these cookies around the world.

A number of other things were top of mind as we wandered through the city today. The last time I came to Paris, I made less money, was more of a traveler-newbie, and came with rose-colored glasses; everything seemed amazing here because it was new and exciting and shiny. But there were a lot of disappointments on that trip if I had to be completely honest; the food overall didn’t impress me other than maybe one or two meals and a few bakery visits. I had some disappointing steak and some overly buttery and creamy stews that likely masked the poor ingredients used to make them. My very first croissant from Eric Kayser, who has now built up a massive empire that has even extended its way to New York City, was an absolute disappointment. It barely flaked and shattered the way the ideal croissant should, and it almost seemed too soft… the way a Costco croissant is (no offense to Costco. It has its strengths and I love it, but not for its croissants or cakes). I was upset when the local French folks responded rudely and gruffly to my attempt to revive my French from high school and responded in blunt English. I was told before I left that if I at least attempted to speak French, they would respond warmly to me. That only happened once during an entire 4.5 days in Paris, and that was at the Mariage Freres tea salon, where I had a beautiful brunch and where the server encouraged me to practice my French and not speak in English to him.

Many books I’ve read as well as people I’ve met have said that Paris reeks of urine and there is dog poo everywhere. I barely noticed this the last time I came, but today, I noticed it pretty much in every neighborhood except along Champs Elysees. I had forgotten that the public bathrooms, even in shopping centers, require a payment of two to three Euros, so most people won’t pay it and will just pee in the streets, hence the strong stench of human urine everywhere.

It was still a fun day, packed with lots of eating and walking around, and even visiting Chris’s company’s office, which is literally right next door to the Eiffel Tower with great views of it. But after our first day, for the most part, people have responded warmly to my attempts to speak French and have responded back in French or a mix of French and English. French phrases are coming back to me, and I’m seeing Paris for what it really is instead of what I had romanticized it to be the very first time I came. The idealization has chipped away, but I still love it and all of its glorious butter and sugar.

 

Paris bound four years later

I’m leaving for Paris today. The last time (which was my first time) I visited Paris, it was in June 2011. I’d never really traveled much at all when I went to France then. I was wide-eyed and excited, eager to practice my public-school-learned French (which means it’s extremely basic at best) and explore the world of butter and sugar and la joie de vivre. I stayed in two crappy hostels, one of which had a shower that had no separation from my bed, so every time I showered, my bed sheets got soaked. I even had to pack my own towels and toiletries. That hostel also had only a single toilet on every floor, which meant I had to share the same dirty, smelly toilet (it was so bad that I can still vividly remember how bad it looked. To give you an idea of how bad, it made some of the toilets I used in China seem squeaky clean) with about 20 other people each night. We also got kicked out after our third night because they said they had a policy of only reserving you a room for a maximum of three nights. So we ran around Les Halles and the Latin Quarter trying to find a place for our last two nights. I felt like such a loser — a frugal American running around Paris looking for housing in the summer.

My experience this time around will be quite different. We’ll be staying in the sixth arrondissement in the midst of all the major chocolate and pastry shops I want to visit, in a real hotel that will not only have a real bathroom and a real bedroom, but also its own private toilet and towels. We’re flying business class since we found a deal that was only $150 more than economy. Four years ago, I never would have consented to paying $150 more for business. I would have thought, but I could spend that extra $150 on pastries and other French treats I could bring home! But now I think, wow, how often do you ever see the price differential between economy and business be so tiny? The answer to that is never.

It’s a different life now.

Apartment prep

We’re prepping the apartment for our guests who will be staying at our apartment while we are in France. The nice thing about having guests while you are away is that you are forced to have a reason to clean your apartment and make it tidy. The bad thing about having guests while you are away is that you are forced to have a reason to clean your apartment and make it tidy. Sometimes, you really just want to pack and get the heck out and not clean every speck of dust and make sure the bath tub is shiny before you leave.

AirBnB insures your apartment for about a million dollars when you have a guest staying over, but I still get a little worried before every guest comes, even if it’s not super rational, because I think of the things that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money but have a lot of sentimental value. These are things that if they were to break, I’d get really upset. The things I think about are things like my Disney World It’s a Small World mug. It probably cost no more than ten bucks, but I get really antsy when I think of someone dropping it. I think about the German and Austrian gingerbread-like houses we bought in Europe during the last two Thanksgivings, and I think of them shattering to pieces.

I still put away the mug into my underwear drawer before the guests come. It’s slightly paranoid, but I do it anyway. I’ll continue to do this.