Headspace

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Since mid-December, I’ve been carving out about 10-15 minutes every day to meditate. I’m not 100 percent sure it is helping me, but I do feel pretty good after I am done, so I suppose for now, that is enough. It’s nice to spend a deliberate 10 minutes every day to clear my mind and just think about the moment itself.

The theme of the current meditation program I am on is about “acceptance.” And, frankly, I am not sure I totally believe in what it is trying to tell me. The narrator of the meditation is saying that oftentimes, when we get annoyed or aggravated by another person’s actions or behavior, it should shed a light on what we dislike about ourselves and need to change about ourselves. I strongly, strongly disagree with this for many reasons. So, let me get this straight: if I get incensed by how overtly racist someone is being, that should reveal that I should take a deeper look… at my own racism? Or if I get upset because someone is being really resentful, then that means.. I am actually the resentful one? I hardly think any of this is true. This is the kind of “therapy” that really needs to be reexamined and corrected. Maybe, just maybe, we get mad at someone else’s behavior because they’re just plainly being an asshole?

What you do while at the gym

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Pretty much every Monday through Friday since September when gyms were allowed to open in the city, I have, no fail, gone to the gym every single weekday morning. The primary activity I do is run on the treadmill (some form of HIIT/interval running to prevent things from getting boring. Running at one or two speeds for too long of a time is incredibly boring to me), but I also add in some form of strength training, barre, pilates, or yoga every day. Monday-Thursday is intense cardio with a mix up of strength, barre, or pilates. Friday is always a lighter run day (lower speeds for about 20-25 min vs. 30-40 min) combined with about 30-35 min of vinyasa yoga. Friday is like the cool-down, transition-into-the-weekend workout. Vinyasa yoga has a lot of toning and strength, but it’s also a lot more balance and focus, so I like doing this on Fridays to unwind a little.

I also notice the regulars who always come around my same time of the morning. We greet each other and say hi/bye. I often get comments that I am likely the most diligent gym-goer in the entire building (which is likely true, but hey, what else do I have to do during a pandemic??). One of these friendly people, however, is a little weird. When I say “weird,” what I mean is… I’m not sure if he goes to the gym just to get out of his apartment or for a change of scenery, but I feel like he’s mostly there to NOT work out, and instead to sit there, vegetate, look through his phone, lift an occasional weight while sitting down… and… even watch me work out. It’s a weird for a few reasons: 1) I strongly dislike people who go to the gym to “say” they go to the gym, but don’t actually work out. If you are going to hog one of three slots at the gym, or go to the gym at all, make use of the space and time! Work out! Exercise! Do what you’re supposed to do while there! 2) Does this person “tell” other people like his significant other, his friends, etc., that he “went to the gym” to imply he actually worked out, but in reality, does it to ward off guilt because he actually didn’t do any exercise at all? Not trying to be mean, but he’s got a super big pot belly….. maybe he should apply himself… and 3) I’m not really sure if he’s actually watching me. When I’ve been a little suspicious, I’ve moved my workout setup when not at the treadmill to another part of the gym to be totally out of his view. And, he doesn’t seem to move with me thankfully, but it’s still uncomfortable to even think that he would watch me.

All I have to say is… if you are at the gym, do your workout, mind your own business, and leave! Don’t be a gawker. Don’t just use the gym as a place to “hang out” or “escape.”

Year of the Ox

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Lunar New Year is right around the corner. This Friday will officially mark the new year on the Lunar calendar, and this year, it’s Year of the Ox we’re welcoming in. Year of the Ox is actually my year. It may not initially appear that way because based on my birth year on the Gregorian calendar, it looks like I am a Tiger. But because Lunar New Year tends to fall in late January/early February, in reality, I’m actually an Ox. So, it’s MY year this year, so hoping for some good things to happen in my life to shake things up in a positive way!

In previous years, we’d hosted lunar new year dinner parties, and I always made a whole fish to welcome the new year. Given it’s COVID and we’re still supposed to be socially distancing, this actually made me a little sad. I’m still making some traditional dishes ranging from the radish cake to Buddha’s Delight to steaming up some Vietnamese banh chung I purchased, but it’s not really going to be that festive. And it made me wistful of the times when I was young at home with my grandma, where she ALWAYS made a big fuss and pulled out all the stops for Chinese New Year, from the foods to the decorations to the superstitions that were followed (ummm, yeah, I will still be washing my hair if I feel like it before the new year begins). I will likely never have that level of awareness or celebrate in a traditional way like that unless one day, we end up living somewhere in Asia.

TikTok food trends

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In a day and age of TikTok, many food/cooking trends have come about, including the famous one-pan feta pasta (seems too indulgent, and I rarely would have feta at home) as well as the single cut tortilla quesadilla hack. With the quesadilla, my interest was definitely piqued, as I do enjoy having wheat flour or corn tortillas at home occasionally, and a new way to use them was definitely welcome. The idea is that you take a tortilla and cut it halfway down the center. Then, on each of the “quarter” sections, you place a different topping: avocado, cheese, tomatoes, vegetables, etc., along with something to “stick” them together (cheese to melt!), then you fold each quarter on top of each other, then put it on a hot pan, flatten it with a spatula to press it down and heat it through. And TADA! Quick and easy, packed, neat little quesadilla!

So… in theory this was a great idea. In practice? I failed miserably. I attempted to make this today, and my quesadilla was overly packed (this is a very ME thing to do) and completely fell apart. Welp… I still have six more tortillas, so I have six more tries to go!

Two 4-day work weeks and lost time off.

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My company, in an effort to be equitable to all, is giving “Wellness Days” throughout the year as days off for everyone, likely to support us and acknowledge that “life is not normal” in a time of a global pandemic. This Friday is a Wellness Day, and given that Monday is President’s Day here in the US, that means everyone who works in the U.S. for my company will have a 4-day weekend, which will be much welcomed. It’s a really nice gesture, but it’s one that makes me realize that to date, I have not taken a single vacation in the last year, AT ALL. At most, I’ve taken only one day off here or there outside of national holidays or these Wellness Days. And that was just a really depressing thought in my head. Outside of COVID, I always only took time off to travel, and now we cannot really safely (or unselfishly) travel anywhere. It made me further wonder when the heck I’d ever be able to travel for leisure at all… this year or in 2022. That thought is just so sad. We all have so many lost experiences, lost time, lost adventures to mourn. Even if you take out global travel for fun, there’s lost time with our loved ones around the globe, whether that’s in Melbourne or in San Francisco. Each day that passes is another day we could not spend together at all.

Korean mung bean pancakes

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I was looking up some recipes to make for another episode of Tastes of Asia, and I decided that Korean kimchi mung bean pancakes would be a relatively easy and straightforward recipe to film, as I already had all the ingredients available at home. What I actually did not realize, though, as I was researching mung bean pancakes, is that this dish is a very common dish that is served during Korean New Year during the Lunar New Year period in Korea, as it’s considered auspicious to eat mung beans to welcome in the new year. I had no idea about this, as while mung beans are certainly eaten in China and in Vietnam, they’ve never really been on a “list” of things that you “must” eat during the new year period in either of my native cultures. But that actually makes it even more timely to film and upload because this can be considered a new year’s dish to make!

When life ends during the pandemic

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In the last year, a lot of people around the world have died due to COVID, whether it’s directly or indirectly. But regardless of COVID’s spread globally, there are also people who have died whose deaths had nothing to do with the Coronavirus. A friend’s dad passed away after a multiple years’ long illness last November. And this past week, my mom’s best friend’s husband passed away. He’d actually been sick since 2015, which is why they couldn’t travel to our wedding in 2016. So while his prognosis wasn’t great in 2015-2016, when I look back, it’s at least a comfort to know that he got six more years of life with his loved ones than anyone had originally predicted. It was sad news to hear for me, especially since, regardless of only having seen him a number of times during my visits home, he always held me in high regard and frequently asked about me and talked about me, apparently almost like I was his own daughter. He even used to watch all my YouTube videos as soon as I’d upload them. He and his wife had the notifications on my videos turned on, so they always knew immediately when I launched a new video. His wife would message me every now and then on Facebook, letting me know how excited he was to see me on their big screen TV. It was always so sweet.

Every time someone from my parents’ generation passes that I learn about, I get a little bit uneasy. We all know that in a regular, conventional life, parents will pass before their children, so it’s only in time that I will have to experience the terrible pain of eventually losing my own parents. And that reminder is really scary. Even though they live 3,000 miles away, I still think about them every day, and I still speak with them at least once a week. You can’t predict the future or when events will happen, and that unknown just kind of sits there in the back of my mind. It is not a great feeling. So the next thing I think about is… what am I supposed to do with the time I’ve got left with them? What else can I do?

Psychotherapist visit

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I decided to start seeing a therapist again to navigate through my feelings around this seemingly endless fertility journey we have been on. My support network is decent, but I figured I could use an impartial third party to talk to who doesn’t actually know me. Lucky for me, my company actually offers 10 covered therapy sessions through a program/app called Modern Health, so I don’t have to worry about any out of pocket costs until then.

We spoke for an hour today for the first session, and I knew she was going to be a good fit for me when she distilled down the things she thinks I am grappling with at a high level:

  1. Lack of control: it frustrates me when I feel like I have ZERO control over a situation and I start spiraling downward. This is also why I hate confrontation (despite what my passive friends say); in confrontation, you have no idea (and no control) over how the person you are confronting will respond.
  2. “All or nothing” mentality: You are either going to be completely successful or a total failure. Hence… you have five mature eggs… who knows if they will all make it or all die by Day 5?
  3. Negative thoughts tend to overtake any potential positive thoughts, and I always immediately jump to the worst case scenario: why does this keep happening, and how can we combat it to find more balance? I know at a high level why I do this; it’s like a defense mechanism. But why is it my ‘default’?

I love talking to therapists. I feel like I have even more respect for them after having read Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.

Subconscious and dreams

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Chris loves to harp on me and tell me that because I tend to think negative thoughts, it’s no wonder that I oftentimes have dreams that are full of conflict. I’m usually fighting with someone, having a passive aggressive interaction with another person, or even beating someone. The funny thing about this is that this actually hasn’t happened in a few months. I haven’t remembered any dream that has any real conflict in it. Now, I tend to have dreams about relatively benign or everyday things: going grocery shopping, sorting through items in the cupboard, even measuring out ingredients.

But then, last night, I had a weird dream that did not sit well: my mom called to tell me she got diagnosed with cancer. It felt so real when it happened that I actually thought it was real… until I woke up. And then, when I woke up, I wondered whether my mom actually DID have cancer and just wasn’t telling me.. because that actually sounds like something she would do in real life… and not tell me until it was too late.

When work is nonstop

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I’m pretty certain that customers just know when you are busy. They know when you have company all-hands or all-day company kickoffs… because that’s when they intuitively know you are overwhelmed and exhausted, and thus they then reach out to you, insisting they need help with x or y task, or that they absolutely MUST get on the phone or a video conference with you because they totally need your help….. even if said customer had totally ignored you or failed to respond to your emails from weeks or even months prior. Last week and this week have been especially exhausting because of our annual company kickoff, and because, well, I had to reschedule customer meetings around these huge time blocks. And then, the ad hoc requests started coming in far more than they normally would!

I just feel exhausted. I’ve even had dreams about work. And then it suddenly dawned on me… I haven’t had a real vacation in over a year, since we were in Australia and Indonesia. I’ve really only taken one day off here or there this whole year, other than the days off I’ve been given for Wellness Days or national holidays. I’ve had no REAL break from work to really unplug and relax. I really need to do something more intentional and take time off…. but we can’t really safely go anywhere. What am I going to do with myself other than sit around my house, exercise, meditate, cook, make videos, read….? I’ve already read four books and we’re not even halfway through February this year!!