The last eight days have felt very long. Being sick, especially so sick that you can’t even do everyday things, is truly the worst. It feels like you are non-functional and cannot get anything done. While at this point, I can do things like work emails, the occasional call, and everyday household tasks, it’s like I am just waiting for my next coughing fit to happen. And when it does happen, who knows how long it will last and how exhausted I will be after. The act of coughing really wears on your body. It literally shakes your entire body inside out. And when all this mucus comes out, it’s not only exhausting but disgustingly unpleasant. I am still waiting to see the light at the end when I finally feel better and like I’m not waiting for yet another coughing fit, but I’m not sure when that will be at this point. Everything just feels like it’s dragging, and I have no motivation to do anything.

It’s now officially been a week of being sick. It’s been over a week of Pookster being sick, but the good news is that she’s on the mend, while I’m still hacking up phlegm. I contacted my OB-GYN to get a gastroenterologist referral (my primary care doctor has stopped accepting any insurance – how fun!), and the earliest appointment they had available was for next Thursday, so I made the appointment. I hope they will be able to shed some light on what I’ve been experiencing with coughing fits and endless mucus during every cold for the last six years.

It’s annoying to think about how I’ve brought this up to nearly every doctor (okay, not the OB-GYNs, but all the other primary care doctors I’ve spoken with), and not ONE of them has ever suggested I go see a specialist about this problem. Every single one of them has brushed this off, saying that different people have different reactions to different viruses. That’s always helpful and enlightening, isn’t it? It’s not supposed to be normal. But I guess that goes to show that you really need to advocate for yourself when you think something is wrong. Doctors aren’t incentivized to really help you, sadly. They’re just incentivized to get paid for your visit.

After just a day of antibiotics, Kaia is already looking and sounding better. She’s talkative, babbling and saying real words constantly, and walking around the apartment as though she owns the place. She’s interacting with her toys and a couple of stuffed animals and demanding foods once again, so she’s back to her semi-normal self!

But me? Every time I think I am feeling better, I find myself running into the bathroom to cough up endless amounts of phlegm, and in the worst cases, kneeling over the toilet to throw up whatever I had just eaten. Doctor after doctor has told me that sometimes, different viruses just hit people differently, so I shouldn’t think too much of it. But is this really just the cold virus’s fault over the last six years since I first got silent reflux, or did something happen to me when I got that virus that changed something about my body?

I went to chat with the pharmacist at Duane Reade today to ask for his recommendations for my symptoms. He suggested that I get Mucinex with the cough suppressant, and Benadryl of all things. I wasn’t clear on the Benadryl since I thought that was supposed to be an allergy medication, but he told me that it helps with mucus production, too, and would dry it out for me while I slept. The Teladoc doctor I spoke with recommended a decongestant that would not help with mucus, and when I told the pharmacist this, he looked at me like I was nuts and clarified what that medication was for. It’s always fun to talk to incompetent doctors via Teladoc.

It is never fun to see your child suffering in any way, especially when they are ill, and there’s little to nothing you can do to take away the pain. As a parent, it’s almost ingrained in you to want to do something to alleviate the pain, but when kids are as young as Kaia is, there’s not much you can really do. You can’t take most medications to alleviate things like cough or congestion. You just have to “ride it out,” which really stinks. And it’s especially frustrating when not only your child is sick, but YOU are sick with the exact same illness. Every time Kaia coughs her very phlegmy cough or her nose oozes with endless boogers streaming down her face, I think: that’s what I have! I have that, too! I’m basically the same, except I can do things like clean up my face that she doesn’t really know how to do yet.

People warn you a lot about daycare sicknesses. It’s not just the issue of your child getting sick and needing to be pulled out of daycare; it’s also the fact that they will get you sick, and then you have to take time off work not just to care for them, but you’ll be miserable and ill yourself the entire time. And there’s really no break when they’re at home, whether it’s day or night. Last night, I probably slept only 1-2 consecutive hours at a time, if I am being generous. I was constantly being woken up by my own coughing and phlegm, or her coughing, phlegm, and crying. Plus, because I was constantly drinking warm water to soothe my throat, I was making endless trips to the bathroom. And, I also had to suck her nose and offer her poor throat some water.

I always tell myself: it’s okay. It’s better that she build up her immune system now when she’s really young than have to get super sick all the time once she starts kindergarten and the “real” school years, when missing class will become more critical. And it’s not like we were ever going to have a nanny that long, anyway. But even when I say this to reassure myself, all along, I still know that either way, it still really, really sucks. I say this all while I am coughing violently, hacking up endless phlegm and on the verge of vomiting.

A friend of mine recently had her second baby in May. She gave birth to her first in August 2021. While they weren’t actively trying to get pregnant, they weren’t not trying to get pregnant, so she got pregnant the second time around “accidentally,” and realized quickly that she’d be one of those parents who had “two under two” very soon. While she did not successfully breastfeed her first due to lack of knowledge and education, she decided that with this second child, she’d at least try to pump. She’s about 12 weeks postpartum now, and pumping about four times a day. She produces about half of what baby needs and tops up with formula. While we were on a video chat with another friend yesterday night, she was connecting to her breast pump and putting on a hands-free pumping bra, feeling embarrassed.

“Yvonne, did you know that I didn’t even know these hands-free pumping bras even existed until a week ago when a friend told me about them?” she said, laughing. “She told me, and then I immediately ordered it. I don’t know how I pumped this whole time without it! It’s been life changing!”

“Ahhhhh! You should have asked me! I would have told you way earlier!” I responded back, feeling bad.

“That’s the thing: I didn’t even know what to ask! You don’t know what you don’t know,” she replied, sighing and feeling dejected.

She’s totally right, though. When you’re on a journey as black-box-ish as breastfeeding and pumping, you really have no idea what to ask; you just hope that the people and resources who are supposed to be educating you will actually tell you everything you need. You really do NOT know what you don’t know, so how do you even begin to ask? So it’s sad when the experts you (or your insurance) pay money to just don’t arm you with all that information, then don’t give you the adequate time to ask and learn with them. And that’s what makes breastfeeding so hard in this country. We don’t have all the adequate resources to even know what questions to ask. Even though I weaned earlier this year, I still think about how frustrating this lack of knowledge and awareness is all the time and how my journey with breastfeeding Kaia could have looked so different if I just had all the right information upfront before she was even born. I’m happy that my friend is trying this second time, though, and that she has a second shot at it.