Obviously, getting hospitalized unexpectedly threw a wrench into my weekend plans. I wasn’t able to see Ronny Chieng at the NY Comedy Festival as planned on Friday night, so I made Chris go without me. We were supposed to have my friend and her husband come over on Saturday for lunch, and they were also supposed to bring over hand-me-down baby items, so that got derailed. But luckily their schedule was flexible enough so that they came today instead. I had to shorten my menu of things I wanted to make and we supplemented with some takeout, but I still made the banh xeo I wanted with all its usual accompaniments, plus the alfajores (already made earlier in the week and just needed to be filled) and the passion fruit, raspberry, almond, and coconut cake I was eager to make.

Chris said that most people, after having been hospitalized unexpectedly, would likely return home from the hospital and lie down, lounge around the house and likely watch TV or do something mindless. Me, on the other hand? I went right into the kitchen and started cooking for several hours into the evening. Cooking and baking are therapeutic for me, and I wanted to make all these things anyway; I don’t really see it as “work” even if it can be perceived that way to most people. It’s what makes me happy. And I love feeding people and seeing their reactions to my food, especially when it’s either new to them or they just really like it. It felt so nice to have my next full day back home with my friends at our place. It actually felt like we weren’t in a pandemic during the afternoon we all spent together here. I miss hosting friends for meals. It’s sad to not have as many people to cook for and other people to have as my taste testing guinea pigs. Chris and I just can’t eat as much food.

I’d never been more grateful to be back in my own kitchen cooking or in my own bed sleeping as last night. And it’s almost as if Pookie Bear knew we were back home because she wasn’t squirming around quite as much as she was in the hospital. I just hope she’s okay. We went back to the hospital this morning for more fetal heart rate monitoring and an ultrasound, and the doctors said she still looks good. I want her to be a full-term baby so she can be as grown as possible. While premie babies will eventually be fine, it still kind of worries me because premies are more likely to have jaundice or to have difficulties latching and breast feeding. They’re also more likely to need assistance breathing, but luckily from what we can see on the ultrasound, Pookie Bear is doing a great job practicing breathing already.

When the resident doctor had mentioned the absolute worst case scenario of potentially having to get induced, I also felt saddened because that was like jabbing at my idealized birth story, where I’d go into labor and have a long early labor in the comfort of my own home, eventually make it to the hospital with Chris and my doula and have a vaginal birth. Instead, if I got induced, I’d be at the hospital the whole time, which would really annoy me. And being there, more interventions would likely be pressured upon me, including a c-section. While I cannot prevent what random circumstances arise during labor, I’ve been mentally very resistant to the idea of a c-section; the idea of surgery terrifies me, and the recovery is arguably even more terrifying from what friends and family have told me. I hate the idea of being dependent on other people for everything, which is likely what would happen if I had to have a c-section. A friend recently gave birth, and she could barely get out of bed without pain, so her husband literally had to do everything. For the first month, she wasn’t even able to change her baby’s diapers, and she felt guilty because of it. But I realize that I need to be a little bit more open minded to prevent myself from getting too traumatized. Birth is unpredictable, and I can’t be too rigid because that will just result in a lot of disappointment and resentment.

After an annoying night being hospitalized, I had only a few hours of sleep. A nurse came in every few hours to check on my vitals and to ensure that the fetal heart rate monitor was still in the right place. Pookie Bear clearly knew what was up, as she was far more active during the time we were in the hospital than before; it’s like she knew we were in some foreign place and was constantly squirming and kicking around to signal her distaste for the current situation. Because she wouldn’t be still, that also caused the nurses to check up on me more to adjust the fetal heart monitor on my belly.

Early in the morning, the doctor from my OB practice came to check in on me, and she shared that the good news was that not only did the bloodwork come back normal, but overnight there were no heart rate drops detected. So if all continued through this afternoon, I’d be able to be discharged. I was happy to hear this, though I wasn’t sure what they’d actually tell me at a check-in later. Chris eventually came, and he was also there when the doctor came back to tell me that after consulting with the maternal fetal medicine specialist who originally had me come to triage, he insisted that I stay ANOTHER night for monitoring to ensure the baby was really okay. This was despite the fact that no heart rate drops were detected in this entire 24-hour period. This is NOT what we agreed to and discussed yesterday. And that’s when Chris really lost it. I didn’t even have a chance to react until he went nuts on the doctor.

“This is too much!” he insisted. “Why don’t you just monitor her and have her hooked up until she delivers in a few weeks then? The American healthcare system is known for over testing and doing too many interventions, and yet despite all of this, the outcomes are not better here; they are WORSE!”

The doctor asked if he was an OB-GYN; Chris got even more crazy and retorted back, “Don’t patronize me!” I could barely keep a straight face. My eyes were wide open. This was all happening so quickly and I barely even had time to process what was being exchanged and could not even react. I’m too slow.

Eventually, we agreed to a compromise: I would be discharged, but I would need to come into the triage unit again tomorrow morning for about an hour of fetal monitoring. Then on Monday, I’d come in for more fetal monitoring and an ultrasound at the OB’s office. On Wednesday, I’d come back to maternal fetal medicine for monitoring and another ultrasound to ensure the placenta was delivering enough oxygen and blood to the baby. Did this sound like a lot? Yes, but it was a compromise, and I obviously also wanted peace of mind that Pookie Bear was going to be okay and healthy.

It felt really good to finally go home, though. I felt annoyed and anxious at the hospital, and now I don’t even know if my baby is growing enough. So there are so many unknowns now that I’m concerned about, and only time will tell if we will all be okay. The doctor insisted the baby would be fine regardless of what path we took and her life wasn’t in danger, but I can’t help but have that fear in the back of my mind that something else may go wrong.

When I went into the hospital for a routine pregnancy ultrasound at the ultrasound/maternal fetal medicine unit today, I was not expecting that I’d have to stay overnight, but that’s exactly what ended up happening.

The ultrasound results all came back normal, so as I was waiting for the doctor to go over it in detail and let me make my next appointment, a nurse came to my room and said that they’d run a “non-stress test” for the baby, which means they’d hook me up to a fetal heart rate monitor for about twenty minutes to see how the baby’s heart rate changes depending on her movements. For the first 15 minutes, everything looked great, the doctor said, as he came in and out to check in on the results of the ebbs and flows of the heart rate, which were being recorded. But suddenly, a random dip occurred, and it apparently lasted for about 3 minutes. They said they weren’t a hundred percent sure if it was an actual dip in heart rate that lasted that long or if it was just that the baby moved out of the range, but they were concerned. So they sent me to the hospital triage unit on the labor and delivery floor for more monitoring that lasted about two hours. I was not super happy with what was happening. No one really explained the dips to me and what they could actually mean. A resident doctor came in, who I frankly was not a fan of, and after more monitoring, they identified another dip, and he said I’d need to stay overnight for continuous monitoring.

I felt terrified. He said that hopefully things would look good via the continuous monitoring, but the worst case scenario if the dips continued would be that they’d need to induce me for labor early, as it may be possible that the baby would be healthier and safer outside of the uterus than inside. And because of that potential worse case scenario, they wanted to give me a steroid shot to get the baby’s lungs to develop faster in case she needed to come out sooner.

They also wanted to hook me up to an IV, and I told him I didn’t want that. “Why?” I asked. “I am perfectly fine to drink water right now.” He said I looked a bit dehydrated. Irritated, I told him that I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in over 5 hours, nor had I been offered, and water through my mouth would be just fine. He said the IV would allow the water to get into my system quicker. I retorted back that I was fine to DRINK the water. Also, would he be able to give me SOMETHING to eat because I was starving…?! If they really did need to quickly stick medication in me, they could just give me a heplock.

“How do you know what a heplock is? Do you work in healthcare?” he asked, smiling and a little curious.

Seriously, people. This isn’t rocket science. I don’t need to work in healthcare to know some healthcare basics. This stuff is all available online as public knowledge!!

He said he’d check with the doctor from my practice about the no-IV and came back with a large jug of ice water, which I proceeded to chug.

Eventually I got admitted into a hospital room, and the doctor from my practice came to check in on me a couple times to explain a few things. She said that they just wanted to be cautious and so that’s what the continuous monitoring was for. If all checked out fine and no more heart rate dips were seen, and if all the blood work and ultrasounds continued to look normal, then I could get discharged tomorrow. Luckily for us, everything else did come back normal, so now they just want to make sure the dips did not continue. They also wanted to do a weekly hospital ultrasound to ensure there was enough blood and oxygen flow between the placenta and the baby so that they could ensure she was getting enough nutrients… as according to them, she is measuring a bit small for this stage.

Pookie Bear had been super active the entire time in the hospital. I was worried she wasn’t getting much rest. I kept looking down at my belly, telling her we’d be just fine. I want her to stay in there as long as possible so she can be full term, but I was genuinely worried at the idea that she may not be getting enough nutrients. At the same time, other than the nurses, I was really unhappy with how I was rarely asked for my consent for anything and just felt like I was being herded off and forced to do things. That resident doctor really needed to slow things down and explain more. This is why I hate the American medical system and all the interventions here. This is why I hired a doula. I can’t really trust that this is all truly in my own best interest or my baby’s, as it feels like interventions for the sake of interventions. And now, I’m in a state of anxiety, wondering if my baby is really going to be okay and if we will have a safe and healthy birth.

Chris and I were on a Google Hangout chat with his cousin and wife on Saturday night and discussing pregnancy and breast feeding. His cousin’s wife, who is a midwife/nurse, told me that it’s becoming more recommended in Australia to begin hand expressing milk before the baby is born, after 35 weeks of gestation. While I’d heard of women experiencing colustrum leakage in the weeks leading up to birth, I’d never heard of women actually expressing and pumping milk before baby arrives. She said that since it may cause labor to begin, it’s safest to begin this process after 35 weeks. According to the Haakaa manual pump site, they suggest doing it after 37 weeks to be safe. You basically manually warm and squeeze your breasts to try to express the thick colustrum (first breast milk, which is usually really thick unlike later breast milk) out. Only a little comes out at a time, so it’s collected via a sterilized syringe and then stored in the fridge or freezer so that when baby is born, she will have food to immediately eat. Plus, this also expedites your body producing milk instead of waiting 3+ days for regular milk to come after birth since your breasts operate on a demand cycle; the more you express and feed, the more milk your body will produce.

This totally made sense to me, but I had no idea why no one had mentioned this to me before. My doctors never mentioned it, and neither did my doulas. I’m apprehensive about labor before 37 weeks, though, so I’m going to wait until week 37 to try this out. It’s supposed to be frustrating and have a big learning curve, but I’m definitely willing to do it, especially to prevent my baby from having these disgusting American infant formulas that have corn syrup and sugar in them.

The Braxton Hicks contractions felt really strong this morning right before I left for my doctor’s appointment. They made me feel lethargic and a bit miserable, but I knew I had to go in for my appointment, so I hauled myself together and got out of the house. At my appointment, my doctor did a quick scan of the baby and reported that all looks good: she has plenty of amniotic fluid surrounding her, and her growth is still on track. As of today, she’s just over 5 pounds in weight approximately, and her heart rate is healthy. Oh, and my weight? I’m now at 140 lb. I never thought I’d see the day when the scale measured that high for my weight!! That means I have now gained about 23 pounds from pregnancy. All general measures say that a woman of average weight should gain between 25-35 pounds during pregnancy, so this seems okay. And luckily, she is still head down, as she has been since week 28, but she’s facing the front to my left side, and we want her facing my back for the easiest, speediest birth. So it’s likely I will need to do some forward leaning inversions to encourage her to get into the right position. All the things we must do to ensure baby and body are ready for labor…

In traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), with postpartum preparation and recovery, it is highly encouraged for pregnant women to begin consuming dates or date tea in the several weeks leading up to labor and birth, and in the weeks following baby’s birth. The idea behind this is that dates have some enzyme in them that is supposed to help the uterus and make for an easier, smoother and less painful labor, not to mention an easier recovery. This has become generally widespread that now, even western cultures are embracing this, particularly in the midwifery and doula communities.

While I did purchase some traditional Chinese herbs and different types of dried dates for postpartum healing teas to make, I also purchased some medjool dates from Trader Joe’s the other day to make midday smoothies sweetened with dates and banana. The combination that seems to be quite the winner, which tasted like dessert at first sip, was this:

1 C nut milk (I used the Trader Joe’s macadamia nut/almond/cashew milk combo)

2 medjool dates, chopped and soaked

1 sliced frozen ripe banana

1 Tbsp unsweetened cacao or cocoa powder

1 Tbsp almond butter

1/4 tsp cinnamon

2 ice cubes

1 tsp chia seeds

I blended it twice since dates sometimes resist being blended. And when I took the first sip, I nearly gasped at how good it was. It doesn’t taste like a “healthy” smoothie. Instead, it tastes like an indulgent, guilty pleasure smoothie that you have behind closed doors. I can’t believe this was my first time really using dates in smoothies. It seems to be a very common way for the health-conscious to add sweetness to desserts without actually adding refined sugar. If all TCM was like this, then pretty much every postpartum mama would embrace Chinese medicine.

This afternoon was rough. I had a number of meetings to get through before my day ended, but the “practice” Braxton Hicks contractions kept my day a lot more eventful than it really needed to be. Sometimes, I felt dull pain in my lower back. Occasionally, I felt like I was having menstrual pains in my abdomen. I was really hoping this wasn’t early labor, but lower back pain and the sensation of menstrual cramps during pregnancy are all signs of labor. I’m currently in my 34th week of pregnancy, and if this really were signs of early labor, this would be pre-term labor, which really would not be good. Pookie Bear is still growing and her lungs need to fully mature, and they aren’t quite there yet. While she’d likely be totally fine and healthy eventually as a full-term baby would be, labor at this stage would definitely worry me. The doctors say that it’s fairly normal to go into labor from week 37 onward. Week 39 onward is really the ideal time, though, because at this stage for the most part, lung development wouldn’t be a concern.

Luckily for me, after lying down for a little bit and changing my position a few times, the tensions in my belly stopped. I just continued to feel exhausted, though. Third trimester exhaustion is going to be in direct competition with my desire to “nest” and get everything ready for Pookie Bear’s arrival.

In the U.S., postpartum care for moms is generally overlooked and disregarded. You typically will get one follow-up appointment with your OB-GYN at the six week mark postpartum that is considered “standard,” and that’s it. It’s pretty consistent with the theme that society doesn’t really care about or take care of women or new parents because in general, you’re on your own if you have any problems. Before I was trying to conceive and actively discussing with friends, colleagues, and former colleagues about child birth, labor, and postpartum recovery, I had no idea what postpartum recovery looked like other than trying to rest as much as possible in between your baby needing feeds, diaper changes, and soothing. I had no idea that vaginal tearing from vaginal births was extremely common and considered “normal,” especially first and second degree tears that require stitches. Third and fourth degree tears can extend as far as your anus, which means that you will not only be in pain sitting, standing, walking, or doing pretty much anything, but your recovery period could be as long as 5-7 months long before you can walk normally and do regular, everyday activities with the ease you had before giving birth. This is why I get angry when I hear idiots say ignorant crap like “only one parent needs to stay at home” postpartum to care for the child, or that dads don’t have to recover from child birth, so why should they get paid time off, because in that case, who the hell is taking care of MOM recovering from her birth wounds??? Once again, it completely overlooks mom’s needs and recovery.

I had no idea that it would sting like crazy every time you urinate after giving birth because of the tears down there, and it’s strongly suggested you use a perineal squirt bottle with warm water to soothe your perineum each time you pee, as your urine is actually acidic, and anything acidic hitting an open wound will hurt like crazy. I didn’t know that the first time you take a poop after giving birth, if not for several weeks after, it would be a far greater terror than actually going through labor pains and contractions, as it may feel like you are about to poop out all your insides and even your uterus (which… DOES happen for some women!). This is why it’s advised to have stool softener immediately postpartum regardless of your diet because anything that will make pooping easier would be good and less traumatic for you.

So I figured that if some things could potentially help with vaginal tearing, assuming the stars are aligned and I will have a vaginal birth, that I would do whatever I could to prevent or lessen it. So I’ve started doing perineal massage at least 5 times per week for 12 minutes each evening to ‘stretch’ my vagina and prep it for opening wider to accommodate the baby. I basically get a mirror to make sure I’m getting the right area, then I massage my vaginal opening about 2 inches in moving downward towards my anus, at the 9, 12, and 3 o’clock mark. Chris makes fun of me and says I am masturbating, but I can assure anyone that this is definitely NOT masturbating. The vaginal canal actually has no nerve endings, so all I feel is stretching down there while I am doing it. I’ve also started eating a couple dates every day because dates are supposed to contain an enzyme that helps with uterine contractions and making for an easier labor. That’s actually documented quite well in of Traditional Chinese Medicine, too, as in TCM, they suggest women have date tea at about 32- to 34-weeks of pregnancy until birth to prepare for baby’s arrival. I’m hoping this will all make it easier for my little baby to come out and not completely rip up my vagina.

The fatigue I felt in the first trimester seems to be creeping itself into me yet again, except this time, it just feels like pure lethargy rather than the constant urge to nap mid day or mid afternoon back in the spring. Your body goes through so many changes throughout pregnancy to create a tiny new human, and so it makes sense that you’d experience fatigue and exhaustion throughout.

The baby movements have certainly continued, and I tend to know what to expect at certain times of the day. Her hands and head are closer down to my pelvis, and so when she starts waving her hands around, it feels like strong tickling, in addition to the feeling that she may even be slapping my bladder (which, inevitably makes me want to go pee). Her feet are higher up in my uterus closer to my rib cage, and so occasionally when she is undulating, squirming, and kicking, she kicks my ribs, and it definitely startles and sometimes even hurts. She also seems to react quite a bit when I eat spicy foods. I hope she will enjoy spicy foods when she arrives in this world.

I went in to the doctor’s for my 32-week OB appointment yesterday. There are four doctors and one nurse practitioner at the practice I go to, and so really any five of them could be there when I birth my baby, so they wanted me to ensure I met with all the providers before the baby comes. That’s a pretty easy thing to arrange since now until 36 weeks, I have appointments every two weeks, then after 36 weeks, the appointments are every week. And if I go over my due date at 40 weeks, they ask you to come in TWO TIMES per week. I met with the last doctor, who had a great bedside manner and answered all my questions really thoroughly and thoughtfully. She said our baby is still in the “perfect place,” meaning she’s head down still, and as of today, she is approximately 4 pounds, 5 ounces. My little munchkin has grown exactly a pound in just the last two weeks! These are all weight estimates from the ultrasound, and there can be minor inaccuracies once the baby is born, but this sounded pretty good to me and on track from what the doctor said.

I told the doctor about my concerns about pre-term labor, which is defined as labor that is before the 37th week mark. She said that it’s very rare, and she didn’t think I was at risk for it given how everything has been looking to date, plus I haven’t had any weird symptoms or bleeding that would indicate it could happen to me. But it still sits in the back of my mind since I know quite a handful of people who have gone into labor at 28, 32, 33, and 34 weeks. One of my friends had her water break at 34 weeks, but because she was in Amsterdam and had a nurse see her every week after the initial first week in the hospital for close monitoring, she gave birth at 37 weeks.

I want my little baby to bake as much as possible so that she’s as healthy as possible before she comes out. Her lungs still need developing, but the doctor said that that in the event pre-term labor happened, medication could be given to expedite lung growth to prepare the baby for life outside the womb. So at least there is that that’s been developed over the years to help premie babies.