Category Archives: family

Triple feed plan

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I was devastated at Kaia’s doctor’s appointment today when we found out that she still wasn’t gaining weight. I was so upset that I started crying and immediately just thought something was wrong with my breast milk. My breast milk is poisoning my baby! I thought in my head. What the hell was wrong?

The RN/lactation consultant suspected that there were one of two problems that needed to be pinpointed: either I had low milk supply or the baby had a weak suck. Weak suck would mean poor milk transfer, which means that she wasn’t getting enough to eat, which would also mean that not enough milk was getting removed from my breasts to signal to my body to produce more milk. So it’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation. As a result, she strongly suggested we give her a higher fat formula as a supplement and start a triple feed plan: Every three hours, I would nurse her, then Chris would bottle feed her my expressed milk or formula, and then I would pump for 20 minutes. I get two nursing breaks and two pumping breaks, but this was definitely an intensive feeding plan. The idea behind this is 1) to get the baby eating and gaining enough weight to be on track, and 2) to get my breasts stimulated enough to produce enough milk for baby to consume.

It’s a plan I had no idea existed before, but it was stressful and so disappointing to hear that we needed to do this, at least until her next appointment a few days after Christmas. I thought about how intense and agonizing this would be if I didn’t have Chris or a night nurse or really any support, and how isolated I would feel. I always knew breastfeeding would be a journey, but I had no idea that it would be this time-intensive and completely out of my control. I always thought that if she latched properly, then it would all go well. I mean, that’s what all the breastfeeding articles and the breastfeeding class I took emphasized. No one told me about poor milk transfer or a weak suck and how that could be a potential problem, so I felt completely unprepared for this and thrown off guard. Why was I not aware of this before with all my research?? And I felt enraged thinking about this lack of emphasis as we left the doctor’s office. This is postpartum life. This is an introduction to motherhood for me.

Cleaning the humidifier

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If you live in New York City, chances are high that your living space has dry, dry air. This is especially problematic in the winter time, when you will likely have your heater on constantly, only exacerbating the dryness in your apartment. When I started living with Chris, my nose was so dry in the morning that he suggested I whip out the humidifier he had. Humidifiers in general are beasts because the average one will require constant cleaning of the base and the tank — usually once a week. And it’s not like it’s easy: there are usually tiny crevices all over the damn thing that you can’t get with a regular sponge or cleaning brush; you will actually need to take out Q-Tips — that’s right — Q-TIPS! That’s how small these spaces and nooks are. Plus, the filter cartridge will need to be replaced every 3-6 months depending on the manufacturer.

In a life pre-baby, Chris never, even once, cleaned our humidifier. I had to clean the frickin’ thing myself, adding vinegar to the base, cleaning it with a toothbrush, and cleaning the crevices of the tank with a Q-tip, once a week every week during the winter time. I always soaked the base with white vinegar for a few hours each weekend. It was always something I dreaded. However, now with a baby, her nostrils are very tiny and given she is a winter baby, a humidifier was definitely a must in our dry apartment. And so we whipped out the humidifier for her specifically. And what ended up happening? For the first time in over ten years together, my husband is actually cleaning the humidifier and being extremely meticulous. He can’t properly clean greasy dishes to this day, yet HE took out Q-Tips on his OWN to clean this tank! I was completely shocked when I saw him do it for the first time and all subsequent times, as I just assumed this was something I’d have to do.

Well, I guess it’s true what they say: men really do change once a baby is in the picture, some for the worse, and some, like my Chris, for the better. 🙂

Chinese medicine and more mother criticism

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“Why haven’t you made the soup I told you to make? You won’t heal properly from giving birth and you won’t make enough milk for baby to eat unless you have this soup! This is why you are so tired; if you have this soup, you won’t be tired anymore!”

My mom is referring to the traditional Chinese medicine soup known as ji jiu tang, literally translated as “chicken wine soup,” which is a well known postpartum Chinese soup that Chinese mothers drink regularly after giving birth to help their bodies recuperate, which also supposedly helps with milk production. There is obviously no science or data to back up any of these claims, but hey, what postpartum mom is going to reject having a tasty, nourishing chicken-based soup?

My aunt was so kind and sweet that she actually priority-mail sent me all the ingredients (minus the chicken and ginger, obviously) to make the soup. She told me over text how to make it with very very detailed instructions (e.g. “a little of this,” “a handful of that,” “not too much of this but just enough”). I just hadn’t gotten around to making it just yet.

I insisted to my mom that I was tired and sleep deprived, that I’m eating plenty of other healthy things (oatmeal every morning with flaxseed, greens, etc.), that I will get around to making the soup soon when I could. She then asked that if I can’t make the soup, why can’t Chris make the soup? Yeah, like THAT is going happen.

“Well, what else is Chris doing? He’s not doing anything to help,” she said out of nowhere.

I really got pissed at this comment; she has absolutely NO idea how helpful Chris has been since the baby was born. I told her he was doing literally everything else around the house other than breastfeeding, and she retorted back, “Yeah? Like what? What IS he doing?”

To even respond to that would, as usual, be useless, so I just told her she had no idea what she was talking about and told her I was tired and needed to go, and hung up. That’s the nice thing about having distance; you can just hang up and not deal with an overbearing, unrealistic mom who thinks that some random Chinese soup is going to be a replacement for actual SLEEP.

Hovering mother and outdated parenting best practices

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My mom has been ecstatic ever since Kaia was born, but what that has also meant is that she is also trying to call 3-4 times every single day, which has driven me crazy and also meant that I now just have to ignore most of her calls. She was so happy when I called from the hospital last Friday to let her know Kaia was born that she cried happy tears; my mom NEVER cries happy tears.

Given she was a parent of a previous generation, obviously parenting “best practices” were very different then vs. now. So of course, she has something critical to say about literally every photo I send:

“Why are you wrapping her so tight (referring to her swaddle)? She will suffocate and won’t be able to breathe!”

“Why is her chest exposed (break from skin to skin)? She will catch a cold and get sick!”

“Why doesn’t she have any blankets in her bed (bassinet)? Give her some blankets for sleeping! Why don’t you have any blankets for her?? You should at LEAST cover her feet!”

Trying to explain to my mom that “rules” have changed for how to take care of a baby is completely futile because she will always insist that she is right, has more experience, and has more wisdom. Let’s just ignore that one of her children is now dead. Of course, she fought with me on all my rebuttal points for the above inane comments, and I just shut her down by telling her that I don’t have time to listen to her outdated criticisms. I am this child’s mom and I will parent as I see fit. And part of that means making sure the baby has safe sleep and does NOT have blankets in her sleep space.

When you are starving your child and don’t realize it

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When a baby is born, within the first 24 hours, she will typically lose up to 10 percent of her body weight (due to water), and this is considered normal. Kaia lost about 7 percent of her weight at discharge, so all looked pretty good. However, babies are also supposed to regain that weight within the first two weeks of life. We had our follow-up pediatrician appointment today, just about a week after her birth, where we found out that not only did she not even begin to regain her weight, but she pretty much had totally flatlined… meaning she was not eating enough.

What could be wrong? I thought to myself. She’s clearly not eating enough, which means she’s not getting enough milk from my breasts. Is something wrong with my supply? Why is there something wrong with my milk supply if supply is the issue; I’m a new mom. Isn’t it basically supposed to be gushing in now? Does she need more formula?

Pediatrician appointments in the first few months of a baby’s life basically feel like a scorecard for you as a parent: you are essentially getting judged on how well you are raising and growing your child whether you like it or are aware of it or not. I felt pretty shitty leaving this appointment, thinking I was starving my child without even being aware of it, and now I need to be more open to giving her formula whether I like it or not. Because.. this isn’t just about me, right? Her health is of the utmost concern, and she needs to grow to be healthy and get stronger.

Favorite time of the day

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It’s day five of family leave for me, and as hard as it’s been coping with little sleep, I have never felt happier or more fulfilled. My favorite time of day is when it’s the three of us in bed in the mid morning, after Chris and I have both showered and we’re sitting up with baby Kaia, with her doing skin to skin on one of our chests. I keep looking at her and looking at her lying on top of Chris’s chest, and I just still cannot believe she is here with us and that I’m no longer pregnant. These moments make me so happy; I’ve even cried just standing there, admiring our little family in bed together. She seems to be a morning person, as she seems the most awake and interactive in the mornings despite being a newborn. I could probably spend all day just staring at her and breastfeeding her and be totally content, despite the fact that I have postpartum pain and am totally sleep deprived. Nothing is better than admiring our new little family to me right now.

Marriage as a team

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Ever since I got pregnant, it’s almost like my mom has used it as an excuse to have a reason to complain about how “useless” my dad was. “Your baba is good at making money and providing supplies and things needed for the house, but he didn’t do ANYTHING to help me when you and Ed were born!” she recounted numerous times. “I had to do EVERYTHING myself!” Well, I know that’s not 100 percent true because she had the help of my aunt and my grandma, but I do know for a fact that my dad is clueless about child rearing. I still recall the time when my friend came over with her 6-month old baby and plopped her into my dad’s arms. She did it so fast that he pretty much had no choice but to hold her, otherwise the baby would fall. He looked so unbelievably awkward and out of place holding a baby that I had to hold in my laughs to prevent him from getting mad at me. As soon as he could, he gave the baby back to my friend as though she was a an oversized hot potato.

That was a different generation, though. Most dads of my generation, at least the friends and partners of friends I have, see child-rearing as a joint effort from both partners. Both partners take care of diapers, baths, feeding (assuming bottle), and they make it work together as though they are a team. I’d always been a bit apprehensive of falling into gender roles with having a child, as that’s the easy thing to do. I’d also seen endless articles and social media posts that more or less have the theme of “How Not to Hate Your Husband/male partner After Having a Baby.” But in the few days since coming home from the hospital, it’s clear that Chris and I are managing this as a joint effort, as he’s been doing pretty much everything other than breast-feeding: he logs all the baby’s feeds, poops, and pees; he heats up and rehydrates all my heat packs for my breasts and uterus; he takes care of the baby’s bottles; he’s been doing all the grocery shopping; he takes care of all the logistics and the snacks for our night nurse. Everyone says that once you have a newborn, it’s pretty much impossible to take a regular-length shower or even brush your teeth. Well, we’ve both managed to do this and coordinate who is doing what when, and it’s been working out well so far.

“Once you have a baby, you’re more like a team playing a sport than husband and wife!” my doorman told me. “All you do is coordinate and tag team, and that’s your new life!” All I have to say is that this definitely feels true, and I am just grateful to have a partner like Chris who has been really supportive, approaching parenthood together and aiding in my postpartum recovery.. even though he does say (joke) that he has to recover from birth, as well, since he has his own “postpartum recovery.” He even went out to get me prune juice and checks in on whether I am drinking it, since the nurses at Lenox Hill suggested I take that instead of over the counter meds for pooping postpartum. He’s also been the brain in our relationship since giving birth since I clearly have a severe case of “mommy brain,” and he says that I “can’t remember shit.”

Well, mommy brain IS real. I can personally attest to this.

When the gifts flood in

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Since we let family and friends know of Kaia’s birth, the number of gifts that have been delivered, not to mention the cash gifts that have been sent, have been completely unprecedented. Neither of us is used to getting this many gifts, and it was obvious how much excitement was around this baby’s birth given the number of package notifications we kept receiving from the building. She has had endless clothes, blankets, bathing sets, stuffed animals, and children’s books sent her way, some of which were even personalized. And some very thoughtful gift givers even gave gifts for us new parents, including cupcakes, cake, champagne, and cheese. While I was initially worried that she didn’t have enough 0-3 month clothes, now, I clearly no longer need to worry about that because endless tiny onesies and 0-3 month outfits were sent to the point where now, I don’t even think we’ll be able to have her wear all of them, especially the ones that are more meant for summer time (courtesy of her Aussie family in the Southern hemisphere, where it is currently summer).

Since she was low birth weight given her gestational age, she can’t even fit the 0-3 month clothes yet, and the two newborn Christmas onesies I got her are even a bit too small, which made me feel a bit sad. She is so unbelievably cute, but because of her size, she seems so fragile to me. I want her to fatten up and gain weight ASAP so that she can at least fit some of her clothes. I have no idea if she is gaining weight right now, but it’s normal for her to lose weight (up to 10%) immediately post birth. She needs to regain that weight by 2 weeks, though, so that’s our goal now.

When baby comes home

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The first two nights with baby home were pretty reasonable given all the nightmare stories I’d heard of newborns with first-time parents. It obviously helped having our night nurse with us overnight for the first two nights, so night three was when we’d be on our own. It made me a little nervous, and like most first-time parents, SIDS was on the very back of my mind. Every time we put her down to sleep, I felt a bit weird and just wanted to watch her for at least five minutes to make sure she was not in a position to potentially get face down or suffocate herself on the side of the bassinet. Even though Chris said nothing, I could tell he felt a bit wary, too, every time we put her down. Somehow, this is not really a worry of mine during the day even when she sleeps during the day obviously. Newborns usually sleep 15-17 hours per day, with the rest of the time spent eating and occasionally getting to know the world around them, plus their limbs. Night time always feels scarier.

A colleague messaged me to ask how things were going. I told her I was having a little back of mind anxiety about putting her down at night. This colleague has a 5-year old and an 8-month old at home. “Honestly, I still feel nervous, and my oldest is 5 years old. I still check to see she is breathing now!” she messaged me back. “It does get easier, but those freak incidents do worry me, so I still check even though it sounds crazy.”

Being a parent is always full of uncertainty and some level of worry. I just need to keep calm and do the best I can with what is within my control.

A child is born

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It’s all a bit of a blurred whirlwind now, but on the day baby Kaia was born, I couldn’t believe how relieved and happy I was — so relieved that she was born happy and healthy, that she could breathe completely fine on her own and that her heart had no issues. Potential heart issues had been in the back of my mind since I was admitted into the hospital in November for a night of continuous fetal monitoring, so I was hoping that wouldn’t be an issue again during laboring in the hospital as well as after she was out of my uterus. In later videos that Tina had recorded of us post birth, I could hear the hospital staff noting her time of birth, that she was a Well Baby newborn and not a NICU newborn, and the number she would be tracked by and have on her little hand and ankles until hospital discharge. Her little tag read: Wong, GIRL Yvonne; age: 00 days.

After we had some immediate skin to skin time once she was born, I was excited to see her immediately latch onto my right nipple and suckle quite a bit. Thank god, I thought. We don’t have issues latching, as a proper latch was something that was emphasized in all my breastfeeding research and the course I took. It wasn’t painful at all, as it just felt like a like suckle on my breasts. Just the feeling of her teeny tiny mouth suckling my nipple and her warm little body against my bare chest was likely sending oxytocin through me.

On the day of her birth, she went through many tests, a few immunizations, and we had a number of blissful moments of cuddling and breastfeeding. The first day out of the womb, babies tend to want to sleep A LOT, so parents could erroneously assume their babies are total angels. I knew not to think this. The amazing nursing staff at Lenox Hill helped with positioning the baby around my chest and nipples, ensuring comfort for both me and the baby and making sure she was sucking, swallowing, and latching properly. Another nurse helped show me how to change her diaper for the very first time, and it was as expected: full of black, sticky, slimy meconium, which is baby’s first poop based on food she “ate” through the placenta while still in the womb. It was the first time I’d ever changed a diaper in my life.

There were some concerns about her jaundice level after she was examined by a pediatrician, but after some further blood tests, they concluded her jaundice level would not prevent her from being discharged on time, so on Saturday afternoon. But because she still had not peed, they strongly suggested we give her some formula and take some home to supplement her to get her more hydrated. I wasn’t thrilled with this, as my goal was to exclusively breast feed her, but I relented; this wasn’t about me. This was about the health and well being of my child. This also made me worried; I wasn’t sure how much colostrum my breasts were producing, as when I squeezed my breasts and the lactation consultant at the hospital squeezed, we couldn’t see anything come out. The LC did say she knew my right breast was producing it because she could see some glistening, so at least that made me feel better. In addition, we had to wait until my milk came in before we’d know for sure that she was getting enough from my breasts. That would take anywhere from 2-14 days, so I was hoping the milk would come in sooner rather than later.

And we took her home on the afternoon of the 11th as originally planned. I’m not sure how we were trusted to take our baby home, never having taken care of any babies or children ever before, but hey, here we were on our way with no choice. At least we had the help of our night nurse, who would be with us our first two nights home with baby Kaia.