Category Archives: family

Resemblances

Posted on by
Reply

Every day of Pookie Kaia’s life thus far, I have watched her gradually change and grow. Each day, her face has morphed just a little bit. Some days, she looks very East Asian. Other days, she looks more mixed. Some days, she seems fair skinned, and other days, she appears more brown. There have been many times I’ve looked at her and marveled over how much she looks like Chris. Other days, I smile to myself when I see how she has my exact same nose. Some days, her eyes look like mine, and other days, they look more like Chris’s. I also admire what Chris’s mum calls Kaia’s “Mona Lisa smile.” It’s a sort of half smile that makes you wonder what is going through her mind, and what she might have up her sleeve. It’s like she wants to keep us guessing.

There are days when I have seen my baby self from my old photos… right on her face. And then, there are even the days when I see little tinges of Ed in her face. I always loved looking at Ed’s baby photos. He was always smiling and giggling… and looked so carefree. He didn’t have the weight of the world on him them. He didn’t quite comprehend criticism or self hate then. I suppose part of the reason I love his baby photos so much is that in the life I can remember sharing with him, I never remember ever seeing him that happy or carefree… ever. So the photos capture a moment in time when he was that carefree and happy. They capture something in him that I was never able to witness in person.

Tomorrow will mark nine years since Ed passed away. Nine years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the mindset of having a baby anytime soon. And now, we have baby Kaia here with us. Though she has two uncles, only one of them is still living. I wonder to myself how I will incorporate Ed into her life so that she knows him.. even though she will never meet or know him. I don’t want to make her sad or think too much about mental illness or death. But I do want her to be aware of life vs. death, about the circle of life. I dislike how many western parents today shield their children from even knowing what death is. That just doesn’t sound healthy or realistic.

Even Kaia’s birth and mere presence in my life is a reminder to me of my own mortality, that I will not be here forever, that we will not be together forever. I just hope she always knows she is deeply loved and always has my support.

Contact dermatitis

Posted on by
Reply

It’s been about six weeks of introducing Kaia to solid foods, and while I’ve been a little nervous about choking and allergens, it’s been an enjoyable process to watch her explore and play with foods, put them in her mouth, and see which ones she enjoys the most. It certainly requires a high level of patience to watch her play and throw food, not to mention the extreme mess everywhere and the cleanup, but I figure that this is an investment into her future of eating and being open-minded to everything and anything food-wise. I want her to have positive associations with food and not to be scared of trying new or different things.

This morning, after having oats with flax, tahini, egg, and peach, our nanny took Kaia out for their usual late morning outing. But she stopped in her tracks while in our building lobby when she noticed that Kaia had redness around her mouth and neck and brought her back up to the apartment.

She opened the door of the second bedroom, where I was working, which she normally doesn’t do unless she’s grabbing diapers or wipes. “Yvonne, look at Kaia’s face,” she said nervously. She looked as though she’d seen a ghost.

Kaia had little red bumps around the corners of her mouth and on her chin. In addition to that, her drool rash seemed like it had gotten redder since earlier in the morning. Despite all that, she was still babbling and smiling and being silly.

Our nanny said it may just be a reaction from the acid of the peach, but it could also mean she’s allergic, maybe to the peach or the tahini since it was only day 2 of tahini. She asked me to email the pediatrician for advice, and so I did that while also snapping a photo of Kaia’s face to share.

A few online sources also mentioned the temporary acid reaction. The doctor also replied soon after and said it’s likely just that — a temporary rash which is a reaction to the acidity of the fruit, which is very common. The doctor said it didn’t look like an allergy. It’s called contact dermatitis, and it tends to fade after a couple hours of eating the fruit culprit. Luckily for us, Kaia’s redness faded within the next couple of hours, and she seemed totally fine. I wasn’t as worried as our nanny, especially when I saw the baby’s mood. But I did have a moment of, “ummmmmm…. WHAT IS THIS? NOOOOOO.”

Okay, so maybe I should slow down the speed that I’m introducing solid foods and spices. I was going to mince up some lychee for her this afternoon, but I decided to hold off. She can have some foods she’s already had for the next day or so, and then we can introduce something new on Wednesday. I just want to make sure she’s comfortable and that I’m not being too aggressive.

Asian greens baby

Posted on by
Reply

Today was Kaia’s second day having mustard greens. I blanched the mustard greens I got from Brooklyn Chinatown with a little oil, and I separated the leaves from the stems, as the leaves can be a choking hazard unless finely minced for babies. I gave her three stalks yesterday afternoon, and she happily grabbed and gnawed on them, sucking their juices out. I was very pleased with her first exposure. Then today, the nanny reported back to me that she gnawed and chewed away at another set of three stalks to the point there was barely any vegetable left. The membranes were all broken down with little left.

I hope my baby grows up to love all green vegetables, but to especially embrace Asian greens. They are her mommy’s favorites, and I hope she knows just how special and delicious they are. Mustard greens are particularly good because it’s her first exposure to something that is slightly bitter. “Bitter” is a good flavor for babies to develop a taste of early on, so I hope this is a good sign. Who knows – I may introduce bitter melon to her next!

Coming home with the baby brings anxiety

Posted on by
Reply

I’m planning to come back to San Francisco at the end of August since I have a work offsite planned, and Chris and the baby are coming with me. It will be an opportunity for me to not only go for work and meet my colleagues in person for the very first time, but it will also be the first time my family will be meeting the baby. For our sanity’s sake, we’re only spending the weekends at my parents’, while spending time at the hotel that will be expensed during the weekdays since I’m in town for work. My mom called today, so I told her we were planning to go home since I have a work offsite planned. When she asked me how long, and I told her it would be just over a week, of course, she got upset.

“Yvonne, why is it so short?” she said, in her usual annoyed tone. “Why can’t you just work here and stay here longer, and I’ll take care of the baby? You should stay at least a month. Why don’t you think about me?”

It’s always about her.

My mom is delusional. She always forgets how miserable we are together when we are in the same place for longer than 3-4 days and all the fights. She has short term memory. She always imagines everything to be flowery when it is not. Also, has she completely forgotten that she herself said she isn’t even strong enough to hold the baby while standing up? She can’t even hold a coffee mug without spilling it all over the carpet at home. I reminded her this, and she responded, “Well, I can try.”

“No,” I responded sternly. “You can’t ‘try’ to hold and take care of the baby. You either do it or you don’t, and you won’t. Taking care of a baby is work, and you can’t do it.”

She wasn’t happy I said this, but I wasn’t saying any of this to make her happy. I don’t trust her being with the baby alone given all her outdated recommendations (e.g. “why doesn’t the baby sleep with a blanket?”), not to mention her lack of strength with her arms and back. I just need to try my best to be emotionally detached, being calm, managing the conversation at hand and not engaging. I’m already getting anxiety about being home, and this trip feels like it’s going to be more work than actual pleasure already.

When handing down baby items brings sadness

Posted on by
Reply

A friend of mine is having a baby in a few weeks, and we offered to give our handed down bassinet to him and his wife since it’s still in great condition. Since Kaia has already transitioned into her crib as of mid-June, I told him that the bassinet would be ready to pick up anytime now. I had already washed the mattress pad cover and cleaned the bassinet after Chris took it apart. But because we’re used to the music attachment on the bassinet, we’ve still been using it at bedtime to put Kaia to sleep. Granted, it’s a bit redundant given we already have the Hatch sound machine playing soothing water sounds, but we partially just turn it on out of habit.

As I cleaned all the bassinet parts, I felt so sad to think that last night would be the last night we’d play the bassinet music for Kaia. We had many, many nights of playing this same music to soothe her to sleep, so there’s some nostalgia attached to this music maker and bassinet. This bassinet was the first place she slept in, the only bed she slept in outside of the hospital and one hotel for the first six months of her life. I obviously would be crazy to keep the music just to remember those bittersweet early days, and I know I have to give this away to hand off to my friend, but it still makes me sad and wistful. My baby is getting so big so quickly. She’s no longer a newborn. She’s a growing baby, and soon before I know it, she’ll be a toddler and then a little girl running around everywhere. The newborn phase was really hard, no doubt, but I can’t believe it’s already over.

So as ridiculous as it sounds, I was a little happy when my friend said he couldn’t come to pick up the bassinet today and would come on Friday instead. Well, I guess that’s at least three more nights of Kaia.. or well, myself, enjoying and reminiscing with this music.

What goes in… must come out

Posted on by
Reply

It’s been about 16 days of introducing Kaia to solid foods now. It’s been both exciting and scary to introduce her to regular food. I obviously want her to have a very varied and diverse palate, but at the same time, I am cognizant in the back of my mind of how prevalent food allergies are today, not to mention the potential choking risks, and so I’ve tried my best to be calm and not overly aggressive in the baby-led weaning process. So far, it seems like her favorites include peanut butter, oats, and broccoli. She’s really enjoyed the pineapple this week, as well.

Well, what goes in… must come out. As I’ve read, it’s never quite clear how much she’s really eaten. It’s easier to track with purees than with the baby led weaning process of whole foods. But… If there were any doubts as to what she was actually consuming versus just playing with and sucking, they all dissipated when I changed her poop diaper last night. As soon as I opened the diaper, not only did I notice that her bowel movement is a lot more solid and less loose, but also… the smell. Oh my goodness, the smell! It smelled like an actual adult poop! She’s genuinely getting her solids in! On top of that, she had many, many farts in the lead up to her diaper change, and I can say, without a doubt… there was NO surprise she ate asparagus earlier in the day. There were a lot of stinky farts that had a tinge of asparagus odor to them!

“Once they start solids, the diaper changes will be changed forever!” my friend warned me. “You thought breast milk or formula poop smelled? That was nothing compared to solids poop! It’s basically like OUR poop now!”

“When will I see you again?”

Posted on by
Reply

Chris’s parents left for the airport at midday today, so I asked the nanny to stay with the baby until they left so that they could say goodbyes and get some cuddles in before their flight. I know they’re both sad to be leaving, knowing that Kaia will be growing and developing by leaps and bounds between now and the next time they see her, which will hopefully be at the end of this year. And honestly, it made me sad, too, as the days wound down and we approached today, to know that they were leaving. I really enjoyed having them here and seeing them enjoy cuddles and quality time with their granddaughter.

After the Uber left, the nanny took Kaia to Riverside Park, and I went back upstairs to get my pump set up, and my eyes just welled up. I thought about how happy Kaia was to be with her grandma and grandpa, and how quickly time flies and how all that time will be spent apart. I thought about how outside of Chris and me, Kaia really has no family nearby to love and care for her unconditionally, and that suddenly made me feel so lonely for her. I don’t want my daughter to be alone or feel alone. I want her to be surrounded by people who adore her. And those people who love and adore her and have spent so much happy and loving time with her in the last few weeks are now leaving. How much will she really know them or care for them with the distance between them? How much will she understand them, or they understand her? How much of a relationship will they really share? I’m not sure. I can already imagine her a little older, able to speak, asking them, “When will I see you again?” And I can already imagine myself tearing up at the question.

I’ve never really cried or gotten upset when Chris’s parents have left before. Of course, in past visits, I’ve been a little sad once they’ve left since they bring so much happy, positive energy to our home every time they are here. I mean, seriously… these are people who get excited over a simple, all-natural bar of soap that suds well to the point that they rave about it and then go back to Whole Foods two hours before departing for the airport just to get more! They genuinely appreciate the simple things in life that the rest of us take for granted. But this time, it’s different with Kaia here. I just had that sad, sinking feeling in my stomach when I stood at the kitchen counter, alone with my pump, after they were all gone. It’s different because Kaia’s presence is also a reminder to them and to me that they’re getting older; we’re all getting older. At some point, they may not be able bodied enough to visit us on this long-haul flight. They don’t even have access to health coverage while here, and in an emergency if they needed it, it would cost a fortune (which is supposedly covered by their credit card, but who the hell knows how much would really be covered?!).

On the other hand, I guess I also mourn my own relationship with my own parents, and Kaia’s soon-to-be relationship or lack thereof with them. As my therapist frequently told me before I ended sessions with her before Kaia’s arrival, it’s okay to be sad for what you wish you had but don’t have. As we all know, we cannot control our parents or our relationships with them. They are what they are to a large extent, especially when we’re talking about people who are just flat out unstable. It’s okay to wish you had a relationship with your parents that never existed. It’s okay to feel envious of Chris’s parents, but also be aware that you still get to enjoy them as in-laws.

It is what it is. We cannot control everything. But it also makes me wonder sometimes… what am I really living for? Sometimes, I’m not even sure what my end goal is.

Last night with the grandparents

Posted on by
Reply

Today is Chris’s parents’ last full day in New York with us before they leave to go back home. It’s sad to think that their month-plus long trip to the US has already come and gone so quickly. Every day as I get older, time seems to fly faster and faster, and I always feel like I want to hit a pause button just to relish the seconds and minutes a little longer. I’m even more cognizant of this now with little Kaia, seeming to grow more rapidly as each day passes.

I was sitting on the couch this evening, listening to Chris and his parents banter back and forth about healthcare in Australia and its pros and cons, and comparing this to the healthcare situation here in the U.S. and how dismal it is. And as I was listening to this half discussion, half debate, my mind went back to thinking about my own parents and our lack of ability to have even half of a discussion like this in a productive way. Chris’s parents will happily sit there and talk about why lamb is embraced in Western China but not in Eastern China. They will talk about the evolution of language and why different languages are spoken across China and India and how that came to be. My parents? We can’t really have many intelligent or productive conversations about almost anything. All our conversations are mundane, gossipy (usually because my mom brings up something inane), or about the everyday like eating or work or the baby, or flat out arguments or lectures. And even those everyday conversations are frustrating because my mom always comes at it from the angle that she knows everything because she has more wisdom than I do, and therefore I need to listen to her, otherwise “You will face consequences… because kids who are disobedient to their parents will be punished by Jehovah.” That was a constant threat and admonishment that Ed and I heard over and over from the time my mom started studying to be a Jehovah’s Witness since my freshman year in high school.

It’s not nice to compare, but it’s only natural to compare because for the longest time, I just thought the way my parents were would be how EVERYONE’S parents would be. Because you only know what you know, right? And as I gradually started making more friends and meeting other people and their families, plus interacting with those family members, I realized that I was in an unhealthy situation with mentally unstable, paranoid, and immature parents, and not everyone else had the same situation.

I want my baby to have a happy, healthy relationship with Chris and me and all her family members. I want her to know and love them, and know that we all love her unconditionally. But honestly, I have no idea what kind of relationship, if any, she will have with my parents.

Another U.S. Independence Day in the US of A

Posted on by
Reply

Although we had gotten accustomed to leaving the US and mostly being in Asia most 4th of Julys in the past, once the pandemic hit, we didn’t really have much of a choice and had to be here. In 2020, we were in the Lower East Side and East Village. In 2021, I was grateful to be pregnant and traveling in Houston. This year, Chris’s parents are with us here in New York to spend time with the baby and us, and we went up to the Bronx to see Villa Charlotte Bronte and enjoy tapas.

We tried to put Kaia to sleep before heading up to the roof to watch the fireworks, but we could see from our video monitor via the phone app that she was getting fussy in her crib, likely getting “FOMO” and the sixth sense that we all had abandoned her. So Chris went downstairs to get her and bring her up to the roof with us, which made her happy and want to jump up and down in his arms as she wiggled about.

It was Kaia’s first 4th of July outside of the uterus. This 4th of July wasn’t that exciting or much of a day to celebrate considering all the disgusting Supreme Court rulings of the previous weeks, though. I have no idea how long we can continue to stay in this country with its regressive laws and backwards thinking. But one thing to celebrate is that Kaia is here, safe and healthy and happy, and we got to spend the day with her grandparents altogether as a family.

When your dad-in-law wants to learn about pumping milk

Posted on by
Reply

Whenever I’ve shared with colleagues or distant friends that my in-laws are going to visit or are in town, their initial reaction is always one of “ugh” or “poor you.” But I always end up correcting them and telling them that I love my in-laws, that they are fun and enjoyable to be with, that they are kind, genuinely good people who seem to at least try to see the best in everything and everyone. I always look forward to their visits, I look forward to our visits to Australia to see them, and I always inevitably feel sad when their visit is coming to an end.

I wasn’t sure how they would react to my pumping schedule or the fact that I spend four hours a day connected to an electric nipple sucker, but they never reacted negatively to any of the pumping or the fact that my nipples were out all the time, regardless of whether I was sitting there talking to them or cutting fruit or playing with the baby. They just took it all in stride. Chris’s mom asked questions about my schedule, how often and for how long I pumped, when I planned to wean off of pumping, and that was really it. After the first couple of days, it just seemed to be a normal thing they saw and it was just as everyday as seeing someone put on their jacket. In fact, Chris’s dad was so curious to understand how it all worked that he actually asked me about my different pump settings, what they did and meant, how I changed the settings and when, and whether the pump actually hurt me. These were all unexpected questions, but I found it sweet and endearing that he had the curiosity and courage to ask.

It’s why I love having my in-laws around. They are genuinely kind, loving, supportive, amazing people. I’ve never felt judged or insulted or upset by pretty much anything they’ve ever done. They are so well meaning, perhaps even to a fault. Chris’s mom preemptively even apologizes for things she overthinks that could have been offensive but were never actually offensive!