Category Archives: family

Ed turns 43

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This may be the first time I’ve been in San Francisco for Ed’s birthday since he passed, and how funny it is that this time when I am in town for his birthday, Kaia is now here with us. Coming back to San Francisco and leaving have never really been easy for me… pretty much since forever. When Ed was around, I always felt guilt that I was leaving him in the abusive environment of my parents. I always wanted to support him more, but never knew how to. Then, he died. I always have lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings around coming and being home– mostly because of Ed and how he should be here but isn’t; my parents’ mental health; the hoarding and clutter and dilapidated state their home is in. To me, the house is cursed. I still occasionally fantasize about burning it down. But I realize it resembles hell to me only downstairs. As soon as you are on the third floor where my aunt and her roommate live, it actually feels warmer both temperature-wise and in terms of its ambiance. It feels brighter; there is more light. She actually decorates and maintains her home so that it feels pleasant to be in.

In my parents’ home, it does not feel welcoming at all. It feels dark, desolate, and there is literally a cold draft running through the house that you can feel if you are walking barefoot. It comes from the sunroom. The level of clutter and hoarding always seems a little worse every time I come home. In my mind, there are a few times when it’s gotten heightened: the first time I really noticed it was my first visit home a year after I graduated from college; every subsequent visit there has been more accumulation of junk. And it really skyrocketed after Ed died. It’s almost like to make up for Ed’s presence, my dad started hoarding more things and having most surfaces of the house that are meant for sitting… not sittable, if that’s even a word (it doesn’t look like a word). The breakfast table seats have perpetually been covered in food stuff, cans, and appliances. My mom said that my bed and Ed’s are always covered with piles of paper and other random things when I am not there. The physical clutter always makes me feel more stressed and annoyed every time I am there. And when I say even the slightest thing about it to my mom, she gets mad and tells me I am causing trouble and to just stop talking about it.

I always hoped that as my parents aged that they would finally do things to enjoy life and be more comfortable: renovate the kitchen and have it be easier to use instead of having all these random tables and stools everywhere with paper bags and old newspapers everywhere; create fixtures in the bathroom that would make it easier to bathe and shower in; actually make use of all the space they have in their house, which actually is a LOT of space for two people. But instead, they do nothing and seem to only make it more uncomfortable as time goes on. The amount of time my parents spend separating out compost and trash is completely insane. My hope is based in just that: hope. It’s not rooted in anything they’ve ever indicated they wanted. I really don’t know what they are doing with their lives. I wonder what Ed thinks looking down at all this, wondering what the hell our parents are doing. I have no idea what they live for. My mom loves to talk about how depressed she is, but she doesn’t do anything to help herself, and this was even before Ed died, so it’s not just because of that.

I wish our parents the best. I really do. I just wish they’d learn to stop and enjoy life and all the privileges they had instead of picking fights about stupid, senseless things. It probably won’t happen, but I still wish it would.

I wonder if Ed were still alive today if he’d still be at home. It would be an even worse hell in many ways if he was still living there with them, likely getting tortured alive. My mom was never going to be at peace with Ed, alive or dead, as awful as it sounds.

Happy 43rd birthday, Ed. I am happy you are free from the hell that is that house on 20th avenue and that you are enjoying yourself truly, somewhere out there. You are free… free from all the pain, suffering, torture of that miserable house. You are free. But our parents are not and likely will never be.

When baby Kaia comes to the office

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It’s amazing what a baby at an office does. Chris dropped Kaia off at my office at around midday, and when I could barely get the third floor doors open to our office, an entire group of about 15-20 Korean-speaking, female visitors descended upon her, cooing and making baby sounds, playing peekaboo with her, and gushing over how cute she was. Then, our CEO came over and started gushing over how sweet she looked. When I rolled her stroller over to the lunch area, all my teammates gathered around her to admire how sweet and well-behaved she was. One of my colleagues was so obsessed with her that she held her for what felt like ages, and after a little crying and fussing, Kaia felt comfortable with her, too. Some colleagues warned that we may have a babynapper on our hands…

Babies can soften even the hardest, most serious people. Some colleagues who I never thought would care about any baby took a liking to her and tried to interact with her. And Kaia is clearly good in office environments, as she barely cried at all and just seemed to want to stare at everyone (and eat all their lunches, too). I had pre-ordered a falafel salad for lunch, and while chatting with some colleagues, I could not get her to stop trying to grab my plate of falafels! I’m proud that she’s so interested in food, but still do not want her exposed to too much salt too early on.

As we left the office and went back to the hotel, I felt so happy to finally have met all my colleagues, been at a “real office,” and had my colleagues meet Kaia. I kept looking down at her giggly, smiley face, thinking how lucky I am to be a working mother — her working mother. Each moment with her is like a gift to me. While I have many colleagues who are now pregnant with their first or second child and complaining about it, and I get why they are complaining, I’ve never once complained about being pregnant with her or having her because I will always remember my road to have her was not an easy one. I don’t for a second take any of it for granted. And while working does take me away from her, I always remember why I am working — it’s to make sure she’s taken care of and is comfortable and has everything she needs.

“Nom nom nom”

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“You are so obsessed with your baby,” my nanny said to me a couple weeks after she started with us. She had yet to learn this then, but my road to having Kaia was not an easy one, or one I take for granted at all. Every time I look at her, I still can’t believe she’s here, even after over eight months have passed. I still have a “Road to Emmie” folder of all my needles, hazardous waste box, embryo transfer, and ultrasound photos on my phone to remind me of that trying journey. I still can’t believe I had a healthy, complication-free pregnancy, and a relatively easy and smooth birth and recovery. Every day since, I give my thanks every night and tell her how grateful I am that she is here and that I have her. She is truly the greatest gift of my life. Every day, I feel lucky to have her.

My nanny is right, though: I am obsessed with her. Even the littlest things she does I tend to marvel at. Here’s a funny example: I never really quite understood where “nom nom nom” came from when people would write or text that about food they found delicious. People oftentimes call tasty food “noms” or “nomz” on social media. I’m pretty sure there are endless variations of hashtags around “noms.” Then, out of nowhere, while Kaia is eating different solid foods, I literally hear her say’ “nom nom nom nom” between bites and while chewing and digesting her food. I was like, THAT IS IT! That’s where “noms” comes from!! My baby loves her noms!!

When your parents fight over photos and videos of their grandchild

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Texting my parents is not something that is particularly fun. Since they got smartphones, all the “texting” that happens is pretty one-sided, as in, I text them photos and video links for the baby, and they receive them and rarely acknowledge anything. I don’t mind this, but it’s not a “text conversation” in the way that people typically expect texting to work.

I was on the phone with my mom today, and she said that the two of them fight over the phone when there’s a photo or video of Kaia. “We fight!” she said gleefully. “Sometimes you send just to Daddy or to me, and then he’ll ask why he wasn’t sent the video directly. Then, we fight to see who can watch the video first!”

My mom expressed how much my dad loves Kaia. Well, isn’t that cute? My dad actually is capable of affection and love! My dad never hugged, kissed, or praised Ed or me growing up, yet now, all he can do is praise Kaia for her development and cuteness and tell my mom how much he loves her. It’s amazing how people change as grandparents versus as parents, isn’t it?

Family visits and excuses

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My cousin and his wife are in town visiting from the Bay Area, so we had them come over today for lunch and to meet Kaia, as well as to see our apartment building for the first time. Well, this cousin actually has a brother who lives here on the Upper East Side, but because his marriage is dysfunctional and miserable, Chris didn’t want them to come over. So I made an excuse and lied at my visiting cousin’s suggestion and said that Chris got COVID, so no one could come over. It seems a bit ridiculous to make up something like this, but we really didn’t want to be exposed to their negativity and bad vibes, not to mention the massive passive aggression between the two of them. Plus, the last time this cousin came, he barely even acknowledged or looked at Kaia, and he spent almost the entire time on his phone doing whoever the hell knows what.

My cousin and his wife are decent, easy going people. Of the three cousins from my dad’s older brother and wife, he’s probably the most “normal” and easy to get along with. But it’s always weird to think that he tries to gloss things over and make everything seem normal when it’s not. He tends to avoid problems and pretend they don’t exist until they are really, really bad. He doesn’t acknowledge that much is wrong with his brother who lives here; he does at a surface level, but he doesn’t seem to recognize exactly how bad and unhealthy it is, or the fact that his brother likely needs professional help. He doesn’t acknowledge that his own mother belongs to a cult.

On the one hand, this cousin seems to avoid problems and thinks nothing is ever wrong. His youngest brother who lives across the park from us thinks everything and everyone is a problem. There doesn’t seem to be much balance here, is there?

Tiny foodie baby embraces fish and goes “nom nom nom”

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Today, Kaia had salmon for the first time. After seeing how well she did with sardines all week, I wasn’t surprised to see her embrace her steamed salmon with garlic and black pepper. She clearly loves to self feed; the spoon feeding doesn’t always seem to work with her, and she very much prefers to be in control of what goes into her mouth. Sometimes, she gets a bit too aggressive with her big bites, though, and she ends up gagging and spitting the food out. I always wonder what she is thinking when she’s presented new foods and deciding what to eat and how much, if she actually understands what I mean when I am doing exaggerated modeling of chewing and big bites, and telling her to “chew, chew, chew!”

When I started using social media years ago, I always thought it was a bit comical when I’d read about people talking about or making the “nom nom nom” sound while eating something they enjoyed. But then I realized in the last few weekends while feeding Kaia… that it actually sounds like she makes that exact same sound. She goes between “mmmmm” and “maaa maa maaa” as well as “num num num” over and over again while eating something she seemingly enjoys.

So, did “nom nom nom” actually originate from baby sounds while eating?

Baby’s bedroom vs. Mommy’s office: who wins?

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Our nanny has been giving me the side eye the last few days. In the morning when the baby takes her nap, assuming I have no early morning meetings, she’s allowed to sleep in her crib, which is in the second bedroom, which is half her bedroom, half my office space. In the afternoons, though, she usually has to sleep in her lounger in the living room because I almost always have meetings mid-afternoon. The nanny is super unhappy about this because the baby is slowly but surely outgrowing the lounger, which we now have to place on the floor because the baby is rolling now.

“Yvonne,” the nanny says in her taunting voice. “Kaia has to sleep in her crib. You can’t keep having her sleep in the lounger. She just doesn’t sleep well in it anymore. She’s getting too big for it and needs a consistent sleep space.”

Well, what am I supposed to do? I have to work, and I don’t have a third room to work in. Plus, I’m old now: I can’t just work on my laptop anymore given my cubital tunnel syndrome and my wrist/finger issues. I need my second monitor, vertical mouse, and ergonomic keyboard. I can feel the difference in my hands when I use my laptop for typing straight now, plus the touch pad on the Macbook air really kills my fingers and inevitably makes me feel miserable the next day if I use it too long.

The other option is to get a pack’n’play that’s relatively compact and put it in our bedroom. I’m not really sure what to do.

When your nanny misses you

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I figured that my nanny would have been really excited to hear that I’d be away most of yesterday because it would mean I would be completely out of her hair. She wouldn’t have to worry about my lurking around and observing her. She could do what she pleased in the apartment without any watchful eye. But apparently, she told me she wasn’t actually that happy that I was away and missed me. My nanny MISSED me. She must be nuts! She’s the exact opposite of any nanny who posts on the Reddit nanny group!

I asked her today if she enjoyed her freedom with my being away. And she responded, “You know, you’d be surprised. Kaia isn’t the only one who missed you. I missed you, too! I was wondering how your day was going, how your meeting went, and thinking of the things I would have said to you if you were here. So I actually wasn’t happy you were gone. I’ve gotten used to working with mom in the house!”

We get attached to those we spend time with, and I suppose that also applies to hired help and how they feel about their bosses. I guess I’m not so awful to have as a “mom boss” after all. 😀

Rolling, crawling, and eventually walking

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Being a mother is definitely the most tiring job one can have, especially while your child is still a baby and 100% dependent on you. But it’s also one of the most gratifying jobs, especially when you are able to watch your child grow and develop. Even the littlest things that my baby does fascinate me as I observe her. Lately, she’s been working on pushing her butt up into the air and getting on all fours, likely so that she can attempt to crawl. She is not quite crawling yet, but is more pushing and sliding her body around the mat to move places. Sometimes, it looks like she’s going to start doing push ups. Other times, she looks like she’s doing downward dog, the yoga pose, or trying to do a side plank by lifting one arm high in the air for stability. I realized she puts her arm in the air for stability in an attempt to begin rolling, and it’s the cutest thing. And then, there are the times when, in Chris’s words, it looks like she is “dry humping” the floor, constantly coming up and down and pushing down. She’s learning her different body parts and how to properly use them.

I’ve also been standing her up on her two feet more over the last couple of weeks to see how stable she is while attempting to stand, and it’s clear she’s getting stronger and stronger. She is able to put a lot of weight on her two feet, and a few times, it actually felt like I could *almost* let go and have her stand on her own for maybe 2-3 seconds. It’s crazy to think that she is almost eight months old and now getting ready to crawl and eventually walk. My sweet little baby is growing up.

Living to exist vs. living to live

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Chris has been pretty cognizant of the fact that his dad is turning 70 next year, plus his mom is in her late 60s. Because of this, for the last few years, he’s been urging them to retire fully. His dad works for himself, while his mom works three days a week, so part time, but he’s been insistent in telling them that they should both just stop work altogether to do all the things they enjoy doing, plus discovering and picking up new hobbies they always talk about but think they don’t have time for. They are both reluctant to retire, though. I think his dad just loves what he does (it’s amazing… he’s an accountant who LOVES being an accountant!). His mom doesn’t want to give up her medical license perks. I get it. But at the same time, his urging them to retire to pursue their passions reminds me that my dad is actually turning 74 in just a few days. That means that my mom is 68.

And while both of my parents are pretty much retired, they don’t pursue any passions and instead, seem to let each day pass them in their usual mundane way. They complain about everything from the weather, to people, to politics. They gossip. They ask about people but never ask those people they are asking about. It’s a pretty miserable existence when I think about it, especially since they are both financially set and could pretty much do whatever they want to do at this point, but they choose not to. They could remodel or renovate their home. They could travel. They could actually work on the yard and make it into the beautiful garden it once was when my grandma cared for it. But the truth is that… they don’t seem to take pride or joy in literally anything. Their house is dilapidated. The yard looks like a disorganized mess with piles of dirt everywhere, a few plants that seem to be doing well, but their appearance is marred by all the ugly dying plants surrounding them. That house and its yard are literally just dying. It always makes me a little sad when I go home. When I bring it up to my mom, she gets mad and says I am negative, “just don’t talk about that. You’re going to upset me.” She says it as though I am provoking her when all I am doing is asking… what the hell are you doing with your life?

So Chris summed up his urging his parents to retire like this: He wants them to actually live life, not to just exist…. the way my parents do. And while that seems like a blunt, stabbing kind of comment, the truth is that… well, it’s the truth. My parents are living just to exist each day with no real path to anywhere. I’m not saying we all need to have goals to achieve when we’re in the later half of our lives, but in the very least, there should be some motivation to do things that we actually enjoy and are passionate about. And they don’t seem to have that. And that makes me feel sad for them.