Category Archives: family

Permissive parenting: what I am reminded of Chris’s parents every time I come down to visit them

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Every time I come down to Melbourne and have a daily observation of how Chris’s parents interact with him and his younger brother, the more I am reminded of exactly how permissive they are in terms of their parenting style. “Permissive parenting” is also called “indulgent parenting,” where parents are not only warm, nurturing, and encouraging of their children, but also reluctant to impose strict limits. Granted, at this point, Chris is almost 41 years old, and his brother is 37, so it’s not like they are young anymore, but their parents still basically are fine with whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it, whether it’s in their house, with any of their random belongings, or with one of their cars.

Here’s what happened this past Monday: Chris wanted the three of us to go to the Yarra Valley, which is about an hour’s drive away from Melbourne. Since his parents didn’t have plans that day, I thought it would be nice for all five of us to go together, especially since they obviously want to spend as much time as possible with Kaia and us while we’re still here. So I suggested all of us go. The issue, though, is that we would need to take two cars; Kaia’s car seat takes considerable space, and so the middle seat of the back of the car would not be comfortable for a fifth person to sit in for more than a 15-20 minute ride. They didn’t want to take the second car because Chris’s brother Ben would need it to go to the gym, they said.

Ummm, what? His gym is about a 10 minute ride away, he’d be there for just an hour long workout, and his parents were willing to give up an ENTIRE DAY of fun and drinking in the Yarra Valley with us… JUST so that their youngest son could get access to their car and stay away from public transit or Uber?? I thought the idea was completely absurd.. they were being so lenient with him. And need I remind you: it’s THEIR car, not his!

I lightly suggested paying for an Uber to go to the gym, or even to take a bus. His dad didn’t want to ask and said just to let it go, and perhaps just their mom could come with us. It still did not sit right with me. Plus, I knew his dad would be sad about not going, and his mom would enjoy herself more if her husband came. I still thought it was dumb. I didn’t know this until afterwards, but Chris ended up going upstairs, saying a few choice words to his brother, and then his brother changed his mind and said he didn’t need the car anymore. I have no idea what words were spoken, but the goal was to guilt him into not insisting on using the car that day.

In the end, we all went to the Yarra Valley in two cars together and had an enjoyable day. But the impression still stayed with me regarding how absurd and permissive they were being. Their parents are WAY too good to Chris and his brother. I already know how this would have gone in my own family, and I can guarantee you: neither Ed nor I would have gotten the car, ever, regardless of the situation!

Home alone in a big house that isn’t my own

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When I was little, like most of us probably imagined, I thought I would eventually “grow up” and own my own home. I fantasized about how each room would have a different theme: one would be Chinese themed with Chinese calligraphy and landscape paintings; another would be Vietnamese with Vietnamese imagery; another would be beachy; one room would have a Moroccan theme (I just liked the Moroccan decor in restaurants). My dream house had large windows overlooking a beach, was two stories high with a staircase, and had at least one balcony on the second floor. And even back then, I imagined I’d have a massive kitchen. In my dreams then, it was a very white kitchen with large granite counters. I’d have a huge king size bed with a canopy over it. It would be dreamy and relaxing.

Well, I’m almost 37 now, and I don’t own a house. I don’t live in a house and live in an apartment. The idea of owning a house seems very daunting to me, not just from a cost standpoint but from a daily maintenance standpoint — cleaning, dusting, making sure everything’s working and not broken, updates and renovations, repairs — it sounds completely exhausting. But the other thing I think about is: how much space does a family of three (us) REALLY need? In the U.S. over the last several decades, homes (in suburbia) have gotten larger and larger, but the actual footprint of where family members go in their homes is actually quite small. What that results in is a lot of wasted space (and way too much clutter that gets accumulated since the more space you have, the more you think you need to fill it).

I thought about this as I walked around Chris’s parents’ large house this evening, all by myself. Ben was out with friends. I don’t think I’d ever been at their house alone at night before. Chris’s parents went out for dinner with their friends. Chris and Kaia went to a relatives’ house for a catch up, and I decided to stay behind because I just felt exhausted and wanted some quiet, alone time. In some rooms, I heard an echo as I walked through. It felt a little spooky to be in this huge house with so many rooms and things all by myself. Is this house old enough to have ghosts? What bugs are lurking around trying to get me? Oh, I did kill a huge fly that was buzzing around and driving me nuts that evening, plus 2 mozzies. It would be really overwhelming to have to manage and maintain a house of this size for myself and my own family. The space and the comfort of the space certainly come at a cost.

“Vacation”

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I was asked a few times if I felt relaxed during this trip to Australia, and my immediate answer every single time has been “no.” It’s not that I don’t like being here. I love being here in the Southern hemisphere summer. I love exploring new areas, going to new places, eating different things. I like spending time with Chris’s parents and the rest of his family (at least, most of the rest of his family). But given I have still been working East Coast US hours and am also in full-time childcare mode, it hasn’t been that relaxing. Back in New York, I used to rely on the nanny five days a week to do Kaia’s solid feeds 3 times per day, most of her diaper changes, and her baths two out of three times a week. Now, I do all her baths, a lot of her diaper changes, and the majority of her solid feeds. And while the nanny had the controlled environment of a high chair in our own home, I’ve had to deal with her solid food eating in the company of many family members, plus at endless restaurants, which means… distraction, distraction, distraction.

Chris’s brother commented on the amount of food she was eating and said, “That’s going to take at least 45 minutes to an hour for her to get through!” He was in shock.

And I said, “Um, yes. She usually eats for 45 to an hour at home. And that doesn’t include the time to prepare the food and warm it up, set her up in the high chair, clean her up after, and then clean all the dishes, the tray, and everything she got all over the splat mat and floor after.”

“No wonder you say you don’t have any time to yourself on the weekends at home!” his brother lamented. “Once you finish feeding her and cleaning her up, she’s ready to eat AGAIN!”

She can’t self feed as much outside because Chris doesn’t approve of the mess that she makes (well, she’s a baby? She doesn’t know how to eat cleanly or with cutlery yet!). And while eating out is occasionally fun with her, after a while, it gets a bit wearing, and it makes me empathize with parents who just kind of give up and eat at home most of the time and don’t go anywhere. Do I agree with their choice to be boring and not go anywhere or let their young children experience new places and things? No. But I get why they would be totally exhausted and just avoid it as much as possible because I’m exhausted.

“There is no such thing as a real vacation if your baby is with you,” said one of my mom friends.

She isn’t totally wrong.

Water pressure in the bathroom down under

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Chris’s brother is now back in Melbourne for Christmas from Sydney. He got back on Thursday night, so the family house is packed with all six of us now for the very first time. The family house has four bedrooms and four bathrooms, so all of us comfortably have our own bathrooms to use. Chris’s dad told us that they had recently had the water pressure reduced across the house, which was most notable in the shower heads. The reason they did this was that they were advised by their plumber to reduce it, otherwise it may cause future problems for all their machines that use water (washing machine, dishwasher, etc.). Everyone in the family loves their water pressure in the shower; in fact, Chris says that one of his absolute favorite things to do when he gets back to Melbourne each year is to simply turn on the shower head in his bathroom and let the water stream down on him… because the water pressure is optimal, and he loves that feeling on his skin. When their dad mentioned the water pressure had been reduced, I hadn’t noticed it at all in the shower we used; it still seemed quite strong to me, other than the fact that the shower head is different in this bathroom given we switched bathrooms with his brother, as his brother’s bathroom has a full bathtub, which makes it easier to bathe Kaia.

Well, Ben noticed the shower pressure had changed immediately. He asked his parents what happened, and they explained. Yet somehow, oddly enough, the shower pressure in their parents’ master bathroom had not changed much, if at all. So now, instead of using his own shower, Ben is now going to continue using his parents’ shower while he is here! His dad had asked me if I had noticed a difference, and I said no.

The reason this is even a topic for me is that all it reminds me of is exactly how weak and terrible my parents’ water pressure is in their shower. In fact, I know, for a FACT, that it’s gotten weaker by design over the last 10-15 years, as my dad has not only changed the shower head multiple times, but he’s actually reduced the water pressure. He did not do that because it was too strong, but rather because a) he wanted to save money on water, b) there was a drought which advised all residents of California to reduce water usage… but hey, it ended!, and c) he insisted it was just better for the environment. It was never a discussion. He just did it and didn’t even tell my mom. No one else’s opinion or comfort mattered. It was his executive decision, and it was never going to get reversed no matter what.

The water pressure is so weak in that shower that my showers likely take a longer time there because the water feels like it’s just dripping out — slowly, painfully, meekly. Yet the few nights I actually do spend at my parents’ house nowadays, because my dad is so cheap, he occasionally will try to lightly ask me to shorten my showers. My showers are actually quite short when I am not washing my hair, and given I am only there for at max three days at a time now, it’s truly amazing that he would even ask me to do this.

The other reason this is so triggering for me is that it doesn’t seem to matter what it is, whether it is day to day living, traveling, once in a blue moon events… my dad’s cheapness seems to apply to everything. In some way, it’s almost like he wants to prevent himself from truly enjoying the experience of anything… at seemingly all costs, not just financial. He cannot even learn to enjoy the simplicity of a good shower head and water pressure. Part of me wonders if it’s just because of his upbringing, because his parents had so little and thus he had so little, and so he really grasps at every last penny he has as a result of that childhood in fear it will all disappear into thin air suddenly, despite the fact that he has more than enough now. But there are plenty of immigrant stories of families who had nothing, yet when those kids grew into adults, they managed their finances well and were able to enjoy. So the more I think about it, the more I think he just has a mental block that prevents him from enjoying or liking anything.

“Do you think your parents are capable of being happy?” my therapist once asked me.

“I suppose that depends on how you define ‘happy,'” I responded back.

It seems the older I get, the less I can give a straight “yes” or “no” answer to ANYTHING, which is so aggravating sometimes.

Because perhaps for some people, “happy” means always complaining about the most minute things; maybe it means doing the exact same things in the exact same routine every single day and not veering away from it. It can be sameness all the time. Maybe it means always comparing your kids to other kids; maybe it means always looking at people who have far, far less than you (read: are truly living in poverty) and using that as a reason to not make your own life a fraction more comfortable. And if that is the case, then there’s not much else you can say or do for them. But then… if I really wanted to know, maybe I could just flat out ask my dad the simple but very loaded question: “Are you happy?”

Well, to be honest, I am not sure I want to hear the response to that.

Family / baby friendly environment in Australia

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At most places we have visited across three states, I’ve been very pleasantly surprised by the number of family friendly bathrooms that have been available. In Byron Bay and in Gold Coast, there have been family bathrooms where there was not just one changing station, but three or four; where the place where you would lay your baby to change their diaper even had cushions underneath to ensure their comfort. Some had big rollers to roll out paper towels to keep the area clean. Others had nappie/diaper-specific rubbish bins to toss soiled diapers. A few even had convenient pockets and pouches to place your diaper/wipes/diaper balm. One even had wipes (I wasn’t sure what they were made out of and whose hands had touched them, so I refrained from even looking at them to seriously consider using). Lots of stores even had ramps where you could easily roll a wheelchair or stroller. It kind of made me annoyed to think about exactly how unfriendly it is pretty much everywhere in the U.S. where we’ve gone. Granted, the diaper changing stage only lasts for a few years for kids, but still; no parent or caregiver wants to feel like they are unwelcome in a place simply because they have their diaper-wearing child with them.

Eating out with baby

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Like most new, first-time moms who breastfeed, whether nursing or pumping, with our near-sightedness, we think that life will get easier when babies are less reliant on breast milk and start eating solid foods. What we seem to forget is that eating solids is a TASK; teaching your child to eat regular food, and eat it independently, literally takes years and years of work. And that work requires an insane amount of patience. And when they are in public or in the presence of others outside of their home environment, the amount of energy and time it takes increases exponentially because they are easily distracted and want to know everything that’s going on around them. That also means… YOUR eating as a parent/caregiver takes the backseat. So it’s no wonder why most of the time now, when I am watching her eat or feeding her in public, I end up eating most of my own food nearly cold. I also don’t get to savor and enjoy my food as much. But hey, everything has its time, its beginning and its end, and so this will just be a phase…. one that will take time. It is definitely a test to my patience, though, and can be wearing, especially since when I eat, it’s because I really like to eat, not because I’m simply eating for sustenance. But this is an investment of my time into my baby’s growth and character, and so I hope this all pays off eventually.

Blowout all over me, the car, and in the trunk in Gold Coast

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Yesterday, on our first full day in the Gold Coast, Chris wanted us to go up to the mountains for a mini hike. That plan got dampened a bit, literally, when it started raining. And before that, it got dampened because Kaia was being especially fussy. I initially thought it was just teething because I already see two more teeth popping out on the top, plus she had been drooling a lot that morning. But after a while in the car seat in the car, I noticed she started straining. I figured she had a big poop to get out, but even after she finished straining, she started yelping even more than she normally does when fussing. So I did the unsafe caregiver task of taking her out of her car seat in a moving car and trying to soothe her. That worked for about five minutes, after which she started fussing even louder. And that was when the real excitement began: the unmistakable stench of human poop overtook our noses. And it got stronger and stronger… until I realized that the poop was so large that it had spilled out of her diaper, into her clothes, and then onto MY lap, and even all over the rental car seat belt!

Chris eventually found a safe spot to stop the car, which happened to be right next to a hotel, and he quickly got out, helped me clean up what parts he could on me and the car before making a bigger poop mess, and I got her cleaned up as much as I could in the trunk of the car, changing her diaper, giving her a new backup outfit, and cleaning my pants up as much as I could. In the process, we smeared poop in the trunk, which also had to be cleaned up, and I also got poop all over my shirt. And NO, I did NOT pack a backup outfit for MYSELF. They always say that when traveling with a baby, caregivers should always also pack a backup outfit for themselves for these exact reasons (or vomit), but… I didn’t, and I never had before. And this was the one time it could have come in handy.

So after doing a mediocre job cleaning up myself, I took Kaia in her stroller and myself into the hotel bathroom to clean up. I used an ungodly amount of wet paper towels and soap to clean her dress, my shirt, and pants as much as I could. I left that bathroom looking like I wet my own pants. But I had to do it, otherwise I would literally have been walking around in poop all day long. And it worked out.

Yes, it was a mess. Yes, it was unpleasant. But at the same time, it was also an adventure and a lesson to be learned. Always pack backup clothes for you and baby. You can never have enough backup wipes or hand sanitizer. and always pack a bag to store wet (dirty, poopy) clothes.

Old-fashioned relatives and their annoying child-bearing comments

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For the most part, I think Chris’s family is pretty “normal” and friendly, the kind of family where people in general get along with some quirks and little tensions here and there. But I always sense that there’s a bit more rigidity and formality among relatives on his mom’s side. She has one of her two sisters who lives in Melbourne, and she and her husband came late (i.e. AFTER the party ended yesterday) for Kaia’s birthday party. They arrived just past 6pm. When she came in, I heard her telling Chris’s mom:

“Tony said that you told everyone the party was from 1-6pm and to come any time, but you told me to come between 3-6!” she exclaimed, sounding slightly exasperated and annoyed.

Chris’s mom: Well, CJ wanted it casual and just wanted to give a big window for people to come and go.

I don’t get that response, but either way….

Regardless, if someone tells you that a party is happening from 1-6 OR 3-6, and to come any time in between, doesn’t that mean that the END time is 6pm, so why the hell would you come at 6pm and get mad?

I hadn’t seen this aunt and uncle in three years. Granted, they are not my favorite people to see, but I’m always friendly when I do see them. As soon as they walked in, his aunt came to give me a hug, and I said, “It’s so nice to finally see you again after three years!”

Her response? “It’s so nice to finally see you as parents! What took you so long?”

If I weren’t polite and just wanted to be blunt, I would have said, “A lot of things… other priorities, career, fertility problems, IVF, but hey, who’s keeping track?” but instead I just brushed it off and ignored it. That sounded like a comment I’d get from one of my rude Chinese or Vietnamese relatives, but instead, it’s coming from Chris’s aunt, who thinks that all children owe their parents grandchildren as some sort of debt to be paid.

Her youngest son came a bit afterwards, and he not only has not had children, but isn’t married, which she clearly is not thrilled about. They have an older son who recently got married, but no kids yet. Chris’s aunt started ranting about her lack of grandchildren.

“All of my sisters have grandchildren now, and I don’t!” she complained. “Tom, when are you going to give us a grandchild?”

Tom looked around helplessly and then uttered his older brother’s name, implying, why isn’t the focus on him?

“Well, he’s not here now, so that’s why we’re focusing on YOU now!” his mom insisted.

The thing about comments like this is…. maybe it’s frustrating for Tom because he wishes he had a life partner and kids. Or maybe he doesn’t care. And regardless, why did he have to get the third degree from his mother in front of the rest of us to witness? It’s so rude. And when I was trying to conceive and getting stupid, senseless comments like this, these comments pissed me off, but a more sensitive version of myself would have been really hurt. People of their generation don’t seem to understand that people don’t just get married just like that. They don’t get pregnant right away just trying once or twice, or even a hundred times thanks to increasing levels of sub fertility across both men and women in all age groups. And for a lot of people, maybe they don’t care to get married or have kids. And we should respect our children for the people they actually are, not who we want them to be for ourselves.

Happy 1st birthday to my sweet baby Kaia Pookie

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Dear Kaia Pookie,

Today, you are one year old, my sweet Kaia Jam baby. Every night before I put you down for sleep, I tell you how much I love you, how you are mummy’s great gift, and how grateful I am to have you in my life. I am so lucky to have you, and my one hope is to always keep you safe, healthy, and happy forever. While that may not always be a realistic wish because you will not be kept under glass and my direct care forever, that is my hope for my sweet Kaia Pookie.

In the last year, while you have certainly caused a lot of stress and anxiety over your growth, getting enough breast milk, and pumping, and while I have definitely not slept or rested as much as I would have liked, I always remember that there could easily have been a life where you did not exist, and that never would have been sufficient for me. I would take all the sleepless (or sleep little) nights, all the cries, all the pumping, and more, twice over, just to have you here with us. They always say to cherish the moments, that the days are long, but the weeks are short. I have truly cherished every moment with you, even when I’ve been frustrated that you wouldn’t eat properly off my boob, even when you’ve refused to sleep, even when you have rejected food that I spent so much time making just for you. In the back of my mind, I always remember you are my miracle baby, my little love. It has been a truly amazing experience watching you grow into this sweet, cheeky, tiny human that you are. I’ve loved watching you evolve and progress from tummy time to rolling over, from crawling to pulling yourself up, from pulling yourself up to cruising along furniture. And well, this comes as no surprise, but I have especially loved watching you explore so many new foods and embrace them across multiple cultures. You have impressed us with your eating skills, and you’ve even proven to your ignorant scoffing nanny that yes, babies ARE capable of eating finger foods, that babies ARE capable of drinking out of straw and open cup from six months onward. Your love for spicy food has made your mummy and daddy so, so proud. We hope you always keep up that adventurous spirit, whether it’s with food or in life in general.

I love you so much, my sweet Kaia Pookie. Mama ai ni. We’re looking forward to another year, which I’m sure will be even more challenging as you assert your independence and opinions, and gradually walk and become more mobile. But I look forward to every second with you, even when you are likely a total pain in the ass :). My one sadness, though, is that time seems to fly by so quickly. Sometimes, I just want to bottle up the moment and freeze time and just stare at your beautiful face. I hope you will still enjoy spending time with your mama and dada even beyond your toddler years. Thank you for teaching me a deeper meaning of love and helping me learn what it’s like to see my heart moving outside my body. Love you muchos and forever.

Love,

your mama Yvonne

Preparing for Kaia’s 1st birthday: Balloons galore

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When I was little, I didn’t really ask for much when it was my birthday. But for a few years, all I wanted were helium filled balloons. I was obsessed with them when I saw them at events and outside, and I really wanted them for my own birthday. They looked so magical, floating in the air and making the room they were in seem so festive and fun. My parents didn’t understand what the difference was between helium filled balloons and balloons just filled with air, so they blew up some balloons for me on their own and stuck them on the wall. They said helium was not a possibility (they probably had no idea party supply stores existed for this sole reason, but hey, they didn’t know any better, and/or they just didn’t want to spend the money on this or make the effort). I still remember when they first did this: it was my 5th birthday, and I thought the non-helium balloons were really pathetic. I didn’t understand how helium worked, so I kept on trying to throw them in the air, hoping they would float. Well, they never did. I was actually deflated myself.

So when my friend suggested balloons/party supplies for Kaia’s birthday, I suddenly remembered this and thought, I could live vicariously through my baby and get her a couple balloon arrangements for her birthday! My friend suggested going to Lombard’s nearby, so Chris and I stopped by there today, and I picked out a silver “1” balloon, plus two 13-balloon tiered arrangements of pale pink and pearl colored balloons to create a happy birthday vibe for tomorrow. It would frame the cake when we cut it and create a beautiful backdrop. And with the exchange rate, the amount I paid for these balloons actually didn’t seem so bad!

And yes, let’s be real: when kids are very young, their birthdays are not really about them: they are about the parents and the caregivers throwing the parties. So I was very well aware these balloons were really for me, but hey, they look fun and cheerful, they would make for great photos, and Kaia will be able to look back on these when she’s older and see what efforts we all went to ensure she had a fun and beautiful first birthday party at her Suma and Topa’s beautiful home.