The world feels like a blur. The mood today is like this song from Death Cab for Cutie. My good friend from college got me into this band at a time when all I knew was mainstream pop music.

The Atlantic was born today and I’ll tell you how…
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer [x8]

I need you so much closer [x4]
So come on, come on [x4]

Tonight, our building’s handyman, who is now one of our friends, invited us over to his place for dinner with his wife and his big (and very diverse) friend crew. We met the week we moved into our building last July, and it was like “like” at first meeting. We immediately bonded over cooking and food, and we won him over by giving him a taste of some whisky we had. He loves bacon and applying sous vide to anything; his wife bakes obsessively and has even catered sweets for one of her good friend’s baby showers. Occasionally when I am planning to cook something and I run into him in the building, I describe what I am cooking, and he will stop by and have a taste or two. “If you make it, I will put it in my mouth,” he always says. There are few things more satisfying than hearing that someone has so much faith in my cooking ability that he will literally eat anything I put out.

It was his turn to impress us tonight: he made pernil (slow cooked pork shoulder), baked mac and cheese made with smoked gouda, dubliner, and gruyere cheeses, and sous vide fried chicken drumsticks. His wife made a lemon tart, a three-flavored cheesecake, and all the appetizers, including deviled eggs that were made with pickled beet dyed egg whites. The sous vide drum sticks definitely won me over, and now an iteration of that is on my list of things to make with my own sous vide precision cooker. What was even more exciting was that a bunch of his friends also love to cook, and so we had a very interesting and intense session of cooking technique discussion while watch

One of my colleagues I’m friends with was in town this week for work, so we organized a small get-together for dinner and karaoke after our scheduled happy hour with our cofounder, who was also in town. I think after a lot of the announced changes this week, we were really due for some fun and relaxation outside of the office, so this night’s outing could not have been better planned coincidentally. We went out, talked about senseless but funny topics, and sang about three hours of karaoke until our vocal chords were cranky and strained. It felt really good to let a bit loose and to just not focus on all the serious and annoying things that have been going on.

I have a subgroup of colleagues I can actually call friends, people I somewhat trust and can feel like I can be myself around. Tonight was kind of evidence of that – no judgments. We’re all in this together, and we’re supportive of each other. It’s a good place to be even in difficult times.

Communication is always key in any relationship. It occurs in multiple forms that continue to evolve as technology evolves. There’s the in-person communication, which, to most normal, rational people, should be considered the best and highest form of communication. There’s video and/or phone communication. There’s e-mail, which most people universally agree, sucks as a main form of communication. There’s also text, electronic chat, Snapchat, Facebook messenger chat, etc.

So when it comes to things like big team announcements, like who a new leader may be, wouldn’t it make the most sense to make it the most personal and to announce that in a live team meeting rather than in an impersonal email?

E-mail is seriously the worst. So much for respect.

My colleague and I were having a conversation about stress management and how people in general take life too seriously and do not enjoy the moment. We both love dogs and think they’re one of the best stress relievers, one of the easiest ways to put smiles on our faces in the office (when we are lucky enough to have a four-legged visitor, that is). I told him about the time I went with a fellow colleague to an animal shelter because she was considering adopting a dog, and there, I fell in love with the most adorable white terrier mix fluffy dog. It was love at first sight. His fluffy fur, his big smiley face, his tongue hanging out, his speedy wagging tail, his energy. He was so enthusiastic and eager to see and play with us… but both of his back legs were out due to an abusive situation he was rescued from. He didn’t seem to mind, though; he continued running around like a happy dog and as though he had no care in the world. His two back legs were dragging, but it was as though they didn’t exist to him. He just wanted to play and be loved. When he goes on walks, he actually has a “wheel chair” for his two back legs so that they don’t drag. In a few days, he would get picked up by his new owner, who had experience caring for handicapped dogs.

So then we said, what would it be like if we could be more dog like, if we could just live and enjoy and stop stressing as much as we do? We’d have less trouble sleeping and concentrating. The past would truly be in the past. We’d focus on what’s right there in front of us instead of worrying over the future and what’s going to happen in a week or a year. Dogs just don’t care what their disabilities are; they barely know they’re disabled (right?). They live and enjoy the moment, then pass out and sleep.

“Be more dog,” my colleague said. “Maybe tomorrow will be more dog like?”

It’s rarely that simple, but at least we can strive to be more in the moment for just a few seconds extra every day… is it possible?

And like it wasn’t already enough for our office to deal with, another sales person who I get along with well, the only female account executive in the New York City office, announces today that she’s resigning. What fun.

“It’s going to get worse before it will get better,” my colleague friend says to me to reassure me. “I think she’s the last shoe to drop for now.”Let all the flies drop and then we can celebrate. All the volatility, all the changes, all the angst… we’ll be okay eventually, right?

I blasted sad love songs the rest of the day. And continued listening to them when I got home. I’m way too invested in this place.. that is why this is all getting to me and making me sad. When did I suddenly become so obsessed with this company and my work?? Why do I care so much?

In a city as diverse and and rich in culture as New York City, there’s endless options for food, theater, and entertainment. Chris always says that if we were ever to leave New York City, one of the top things he’d miss would be the easy access to live theater of all price points, genres, and theater sizes. It would be sad to leave that behind. It’s something that people here in the city definitely take for granted.

So it’s really disappointing when you pay for a show, even if it’s cheap, and after 2.5 hours, you wonder what the actual point of the show was and lament that you just wasted 2.5 hours of your life sitting silently while agonizing over the plot and exaggerated angsty acting of a bunch of actors. From the first half hour, I sat there and wondered where this was really going. And when intermission came, I was tempted to walk out, but I figured… Chris wouldn’t want that, and hey, maybe the second act would actually get better? It felt like it got worse. And I wish I could have just put in my wireless ear buds and listened to my audio book for the second act to at least be somewhat productive.

In turn-of-the-century Mississippi, the local minister’s daughter walks the line between piety and sensuality with the neighborhood doctor who grew up next door. Jack Cummings III, Artistic Director of the award-winning Transport Group, helms this sultry Southern Gothic masterpiece marking Tennessee Williams’ long-overdue CSC debut.

Yesterday, I met up with a former colleague who got laid off during our big cut last October. He’s currently at another startup and seemingly happy. He keeps in touch with many, many of my current colleagues and basically gets big news of major company changes almost as quickly as I do. I guess that’s what happens when you really like your colleagues when you leave a company. They still keep you in the loop. You’re still an insider even though you’re technically an outsider.

I wonder what it would be like if I left, if I’d have the same level of connection to the people here as he does. We’re at a volatile period of our company’s life. Perhaps we could call it going through the puberty stage — lots of growing pains, a lot of stress and tumultuous changes that we’re not quite sure we’re ready for or able to go through well. I feel committed to making this all work more than I ever have at any other company I’ve worked for, so it would be devastating for me if we suddenly took a downward spiral. It would be as though the one seemingly promising profession I’d ever had just couldn’t work out and make me happy. It would be like a marriage that didn’t work. What would I have left at the end of it? Would any of those relationships with colleagues remain?

Today, the head of our office announced that he is leaving our company. It comes as a semi-shock given that we were very far from hitting our number last quarter, but it still was a crushing announcement nonetheless. You could tell after the announcement was made that the office mood completely shifted. It was somber, upsetting, as though someone had  just died.

In today’s world, it’s easy to think of work as just work. So many people are miserable at their day jobs. They’re there for the paycheck, the benefits, the perks. They don’t have much work integrity or loyalty. And why should they, right? Loyalty in the work sense is pretty much dead given that pensions are almost nonexistent in most jobs, and loyalty doesn’t really seem to pay off from a financial standpoint because it’s easier to get a pay bump by hopping to another company. But I was really upset by the news. I’d come to regard our office lead as not just the head of regional sales, but as the office “dad,” a mentor, and someone who genuinely cared about me and my well being. He’d often check up on me 1 on 1 to see how things were going, ask me what he could do to help, and when there were times I actually did need help, he took action. He gave me advice when I wasn’t having the greatest relationships with certain people in the organization, and he was always deliberate and well thought out in everything he had to say. It feels rare to meet sales people who have that level of empathy, care, and integrity. But he has it. And he’s leaving us.

I saw him after the announcement, and he gave me a heartbroken smile and gave me a big bear hug. “This is not what I wanted,” he said.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said to him solemnly.

“I’m not dying, you know,” he half smiled.

“I can still miss you even though you’re not dead. That’s a normal sentiment, is it not?” I said back.

“Okay, that’s the learning of the day: you can still miss someone even though he isn’t dead,” he chuckled.

This is the kind of banter I will miss, to say the least.

I came to the office early today to listen to a presentation from one of our sales engineers on the role of a sales engineer, how their team supports sales account executives, and what the expectations of account executives are. Today was day two of our regional office’s sales quarterly business review, and I wanted to make sure I was aware of what was going on. In the last few months, we have had a number of new account executives join who seem to be a bit lost in the area of what their role is during prospect meetings, and so there’s been a lot of tension between the sales engineering team and the account executive team.

It was as though all the excitement of the day was in this one session, listening to our head sales engineer discuss all the do’s and don’t’s, then listening to a specific account executive verbally spar with him over things he didn’t agree with. In other words, what he was really trying to say was, “I don’t want to do more work. You can keep doing that because I disagree with what you are saying.” This is the type of behavior that I’ve never respected or liked about sales people — the idea that everyone else does all the heavy lifting, and they can just come in to open and close a meeting. I’ve been lucky to work with many incredible and inspiring account executives at my current company who are not like this at all, but there’s always the bad apples that seem to linger everywhere, no matter where you go.

At least it made for an entertaining morning for me. I love listening to people argue during work meetings. You can see all the tension, aggression, and self-restraint on display at once.