The funniest thing about today’s day and age with social media is that people can “know” you and ongoing details of your life without ever having met you. It’s almost like in some ways, you are both celebrities to each other, but when you finally do meet in person, it’s as though you’ve really known each other this whole time. That happened when Chris suggested I meet him at a bar in midtown after work today, and lo and behold, there he was, having drinks with one of his direct reports who is living in Chicago, but who I’ve known of and who has known me pretty much as long as she’s been at the same company as Chris. We both follow each other on Instagram; she “friended” me on Facebook years ago, and has even donated to my AFSP fundraising drive. She even comments on my Instagram photos and occasionally sends me private messages through it. We chatted over drinks tonight, and she actually did not feel like a stranger at all to me.

There are certainly many evils to social media, but I can say that I am still on it and still feel like I benefit from its existence. These are some of the fun moments that happen as a result of it.

I was disappointed a few weeks ago when I received a notification that my primary care doctor, who I’ve been seeing for the last two years, had stopped accepting my current company’s health insurance. In this city, it’s one of the most aggravating and trying experiences to find the right doctor for anything. Her assistant said she’d happily see me as an “out-of-network” provider, but I immediately declined. My company is paying enough for health insurance for me; why should I have to give any doctor even more money out of pocket?! No one is that good in this crappy American healthcare system where we are constantly getting gouged left and right.

So, I was relieved when I called my gynecologist’s office today to find out that they have no changes in the insurances they accept and that I could still come in for a visit “in-network.” Well, there was a clarifying question.

Me: Does Dr. XXXX accept Blue Cross Blue Shield as in-network?

Assistant: Is it Blue Cross Blue Shield through your employer?

Me: Yes.

Assistant: Then great! We certainly do accept them.

Hmmm. What could this be about — the healthcare exchange through the Affordable Care Act…? We cannot even have those who are getting their own health insurance covered in the same way that we are covered because we have the luxury of having healthcare through our employers, whereas those others will just constantly get rejected left and right? This stupid healthcare system makes me more and more mad every single time I read an article about it or have a phone conversation with a provider like this. This should not be our normal.

A former colleague who was let go from my current company and I got together tonight for happy hour drinks. Around the time he got let go last year, his romantic relationship of over five years also ended shortly before that, so it was a massive double whammy in life for him. Although I knew that he had experienced a breakup around that time, I had no idea of the details behind it, or that they were together for such a long time. He revealed all this to me and what a shock it was tonight. I felt pretty terrible; I don’t even know how I’d react if I lost my job and my life partner at the same time. It would almost feel like a complete life failure in some ways to know that two such significant things came to a halting end all at once.

He said that although he had some really low moments over the last year, some much darker than others, when he read stories like the one about my brother in my fundraising drive message, it was like a reality check to him that his life really wasn’t so bad, that he actually had a lot of good things going for him, and that a lot of things made him happy. It made him happy to go out and run, smell fresh air, hike in nature, and be around his good friends. He had it really good, he concluded. Stories like my brother’s, as tragic as it sounds, gave him perspective. He eventually got a new job, and he’s been dating occasionally here and there to see what else could be out there for him. He seems to be taking control of his life as opposed to allowing his life to control him. I felt happy for him hearing this.

I do hope that when people read the story about Ed that it does give them some perspective. There’s a big difference between ending pain and ending life. I only wish Ed had been able to see that.

My back has been acting up since last week. It seems to come and go depending on what I am doing, which is really frustrating. I tried running again today, and my lower back is tight now. So throughout the work day, I laid out a mat on the floor near my desk, laid down, and stretched.

What this led to was others in my office getting on the floor and stretching, too. Then, one of my colleagues said he was in desperate need of a back massage, so he asked if I’d be willing to take off my flats and walk on his back.

This was, by far, the strangest thing any colleague has ever asked me to do. I wasn’t sure how to respond to this, so I immediately said no.

He kept insisting. I told him that it seemed like an awkward request, and it would look really weird. But then again, as if it really mattered given our office was mostly empty anyway, and only a handful of people were around to witness this potential event. So I finally gave in and walked on his back… literally all over his back. I guess the pressure seemed to help relieve some of his tension.

I actually walked on my colleague’s back today. Never thought I’d ever do that, but I guess you never know what you are capable of in an office setting.

While I’m excited about autumn squash, incorporating pumpkin and spices into my baking, and well, more autumn and wintry cooking in the form of stews, chilies, and soup, I’m still not thrilled about the early darkness that comes even before departing the office and having to turn lights on earlier than during the daylight savings time/summer months. I wore a dress and sandals to the office today to visually express my rebellion, and it really didn’t even feel like a rebellion because it was so warm and even a bit humid outside today. It’s still in the 70s, and we’re already on October 1st. I refuse to wear sweaters and warm pants. The weather refuses to cool down, too. It looks like the city’s weather and I are actually in sync.

Autumn also tends to mean that the more boring fruits tend to be available. While I do love honey crisp, mutsu, and pink lady apples, as well as pomegranates and persimmons, none of these fruit can hold a candle to the flavor of mangoes, lychees, or all the luscious berries out there. This means that it’s just time to whip out all the recipes I’ve neglected over the years to highlight these fruit, like French apple cake and persimmon bread.

Today, we backed up my iPhone 6s and traded it in for the latest iPhone XS. In the last few months, I’d noticed that my phone’s battery life was waning severely and quite early in the day to the point where while at the office, I’d just leave it plugged in pretty much all the time unless I had my Bose bluetooth earbuds plugged in. The phone was constantly desperate to be charged. The pull to get email and other updates had slowed down, and it was really bothering me. I’d had this phone for about three years at this point, and unfortunately, I recognized that I was being pulled into the Apple fanboy base in the same way that other Apple product users were; I wanted a faster phone. And these phones were designed to not last forever and be as performant. We are all being brainwashed to want something better, faster, newer, more efficient. And so I caved in and got the stupid XS today.

I have no sentimentality when it comes to technology. My iPhone 6s will be taken apart and recycled for parts for future phones. Who cares. Bye bye. It once served its purpose and now will serve a new purpose in getting taken apart and reused. I guess I don’t have much sentimentality when it comes to most physical things I own. Chris has talked about selling my engagement ring once diamonds actually do increase in value in the mid 2020s (thanks to the brainwashed mainland Chinese people who actually are buying diamonds so fast that there will truly be a diamond scarcity; who would’ve thunk it?!). And I’m genuinely okay with it if it means that a profit could be made, and something more special, more attractive, and actual rare could take its place. In retrospect, I am saddened by the fact that I was brainwashed into the DeBeers’s marketing scam that “a diamond is forever,” and the trite belief that that is what a wedding engagement ring should be. Now, I actually occasionally oogle over the beautiful and rare bi-colored sapphires I see in my Instagram feed — gemstones that truly are rare in nature that are also worth quite more than a diamond.

Human beings are so predictable. We just want all the same crap other people want. So, it’s refreshing when people rebel from the status quo and want something different. But I still can’t live without my smartphone, though.

It’s been a long work week. Every day this week has felt long and tiring. Even on the nights I was social and spent time with friends and colleagues, I really looked forward to coming home to a quiet apartment to be all by myself. And tonight, given it’s Friday night, I especially looked forward to coming home and being by myself knowing that I wouldn’t have to wake up by a set time the following day. Chris wouldn’t be home until past 1am from his flight back from San Francisco from Dreamforce, so I’d have a lot of downtime to think and be on my own. I came home, made my dinner, watched two Ali Wong specials and two episodes of Ken Burns’s Vietnam War documentary. I did laundry, had some at-home facial time, and even replenished my homemade chili oil since we ran out of our batch when my colleagues came over for brunch this past weekend. A colleague messaged me to ask what I was doing and if I wanted to come hang out in Brooklyn, but at that point in the night, I really could not be bothered. I was simmering chili oil over the stove and in my pajamas. There was nothing else I would have rather have been doing. My alone time is vital to my sanity now.

Over a month ago, a bunch of colleagues and I decided to sign up for Dominique Ansel’s famous Pie Night, when for one hour, all attendees have one hour to eat as much of the ten varieties of pie that Dominique Ansel Kitchen can produce while drinking bottomless apple cider sangria and having ice cream on the side. These were the varieties that we were able to try this season:

– Home-style Chicken Pot Pie with Butter Biscuit Crust
– Slow Braised Pork Shank Pie with Potatoes, Onions, and Cognac
– Artichoke & White Cheddar Pie
– Fennel Sausage and Tomato Pie with Sage and Melted Mozzarella
– Wild Mushroom Sherry Cottage Pie with Creamy Parsnip Purée
– Vanilla Bean Flan with a hint of Dark Caribbean Rum
– Salted Caramel Harvest Apple Pie
– Nutella Angel Cream Pie with Whipped Sour Cream Mousse
– Stone Fruit Pie with Honey Guava Mousse & Raspberry Jam
– Warm Chocolate Poached Pear Pie

My personal favorites of the savory varieties were the chicken pot pie — it was homey and classic, but with nice little soft biscuits lining the top; the wild mushroom with the parsnip puree; and the pork shank of the pork shank pie. Hands down, my favorite sweet pie was the stone fruit pie with honey guava mousse and raspberry jam. Granted to be honest, the guava flavor was not very strong at all, but the flavor combination of all the fruit ingredients was so delicious.

On the way home, a colleague and I took the train uptown together. He’s been asking me every now and then how the fundraising has been going and has been checking my fundraising page to see my progress. He generously donated two years in a row, and sent me a heartfelt message this year about it.  When talking about his two siblings today, he asked me about Ed and referred to him by name, which caught me off guard a bit. At first, I didn’t really understand why I felt so surprised, but then I realized the reason was obvious; most people, unless they are close to me, never refer to Ed by his name; they always just refer to him as “your brother.” Most people also do not ask anything about him given that I’m pretty public about the fact that he has passed, and I’m also very public about how he passed given my fundraising drive.

He asked me how old he was when he passed, what he was like, what he did for a living. We were cut short given we had to get off the train, but it actually felt comforting to have a colleague I’m friendly with openly ask me questions about my brother as though he was a real person, someone with an actual life and past that matters. Oftentimes, when a person has died by suicide, all they tend to be known by, well, by people who know how they died and didn’t personally know them, is simply that they died from suicide, and that’s it. They aren’t known or thought about for their actual life on earth, their passions, their previous reason for being, their foibles. My colleague today reminded me of this sad truth, and tried to make Ed a real person again. For the moments we talked about Ed, I felt grateful that he recognized Ed as a real human being who once breathed on this earth and just wanted what any ordinary, everyday person wants: to be recognized, loved, and heard.

Every year as the season transitions from summer to autumn in New York, fashionistas across this city regale in the fact that once again, their favorite time of the year to get dressed has come. Light sweaters! Booties! Scarves! Ponchos! Layering! It’s all back again.

I, on the other hand, lament the fact that I have to wear layers, am frustrated by the fact that I cannot throw on a dress or a simple shirt, skirt, and sandals, and run out every morning. Layering clothing makes me so annoyed. I hate always having to bring extra things “just in case” the weather changes. I hate wearing heavy, clunky rain boots to keep dry. I strongly dislike wearing stockings. If I had it my way, I’d wear airy clothing all year long. I’d never wear a sweater or a big bulky jacket. But that is a fantasy here.

And then, to make things worse with the changing weather from summer to fall, the subway cars have no idea what they’re supposed to do with their thermostat. For instance, today, it was 74 degrees F, extremely humid, and when I got on the subway car this morning… the HEAT WAS ON. Why was the heat on?! It was threatening to rain, so I wear my knee-length rubber rain boots and my raincoat, and I sweat so much that all my clothes felt wet by the time I got to the office. Yet, this afternoon, with a similar temperature and level of humidity, the air conditioning was on in the subway car. The subway experiences an identity crisis when the seasons change, too: should we have the heat or the AC on?

The subway doesn’t know what temperature to be. I do not know how to dress in the morning. This transition is not fun or comfortable.

I awoke this morning to dark, grey skies and pouring rain outside my window. It is officially autumn in New York City. I looked at my calendar on my phone in bed and realized I had a drinks catch-up with a former colleague, and I made bets in my head about whether he’d cancel on me last minute.

And so around 3:30, two hours before we were supposed to meet today, I texted him to say, “see you soon!,” and of course, within an hour, he messaged to say that he has some big meeting he’s prepping for the following morning and may not finish it in time before he is supposed to meet me, so he may not be able to make it. That’s when I decided, yep, he’s definitely flaking on me.

At 5:15, he confirmed he couldn’t make it and would need to reschedule. I guess my gut instinct this morning was right.

That’s the thing about New Yorkers; the second the weather changes and gets a bit more extreme, whether it’s rain or snow, people start making excuses to not go out. It’s as though the world has ended and they need to go into hiding. This has been my experience since I first moved to New York ten years go, and people always flake during weather changes. People just suck and are not reliable.