When I was chatting with another mom who was a night nurse reference, I told her that I was used to the house being spotless. I had a regular schedule when I would clean the bathroom, I would sweep the kitchen every week, I would clean the kitchen countertops at regular intervals. I liked everything exactly the way it was, which was super clean. I was very averse to dust and felt like I was constantly dusting. She laughed and told me that I was obviously a first time mother. “You need to learn to let go of all of those things,” she said. “When you are able to rest, you rest! Who cares if the shower has not been scrubbed in two weeks. You need to prioritize rest and sleep, otherwise you will never rest or sleep!”

Well, since the baby has arrived, this apartment has not been vacuumed even a single time. I have gathered dust bunnies and put them in the garbage. I have swept and dusted a number of times, but I have cleaned far, far less than I normally would. I still insist that our bathroom is cleaned every two weeks. I clean most of the bathroom, and Chris will clean the shower and the bathtub. I will be honest and say that his standard for cleaning the bathtub is much lower than mine, but hey, you can’t have everything perfect, otherwise you will end up doing everything your damn self. So I had to let go of this. 

I have also been cleaning the mirrors less. I used to spray and wipe them down every month. Now, I have probably sprayed and wiped them down maybe three times in the last 19 weeks. And I only sprayed and wiped down the parts that I could reach. I did not do my usual thing before baby and actually get on top of the sink and toilet to get the top parts of the mirrors. Again, this is something that I learned to let go. And though I have done this, you know that I have not been as anal because there are streaks all over the mirrors. I absolutely hate streaks on mirrors. I used to proud myself on having streak-less mirrors, though I never shared that with anyone. What is the secret to having streak-less mirrors after cleaning? Well, the main secret is to use very very hot water while wiping them down after spraying and scrubbing. The hot water is very key. This allows all of the excess grime to be removed from the mirrors, and any streaks will just evaporate. Some people will use a half-and-half mixture of water and vinegar, but I never really found this necessary. Now, I care less about the streaks. All of our bathroom mirrors have streaks now. I hate it when I see it, but I have to learn to let go of some things clearly… so this is one of those things.

So yes, I am a first time mom. And I am gradually, gradually learning to let some of the cleanliness obsession go.

Today, Chris decided to get a Zipcar for a few hours so that we could make a Costco run and also go to Little Italy along Arthur Avenue in the Bronx. We took the baby with us, as well. It was actually funny to think about the fact that in the nearly 19 weeks she’s been here, she’s only been in a car one time, and that was during her trip home from the hospital after discharge. When I took the car seat out to get ready for this quick trip, I even had to remove the newborn insert in the seat; she used it only once!!

This time, she’s obviously way more alert and aware of her surroundings than she was when she was only two days old, and barely even that. I wasn’t sure how she’d be while I buckled her into her five-point straps, but she wasn’t fussy in the least bit and actually seemed entertained. She enjoyed being in her car seat and even babbled a bit. She definitely looked and sounded very comfortable.

And it’s a good thing that they make car seats like ours without a base being required because if we had to install a base into every single rental car, that would be absolutely frustrating and annoying.

Today, I went to visit the Bright Horizons daycare center location that is closest to our apartment. It’s about two blocks away, so very convenient. I was not very keen at all on our baby going to daycare this early. I really didn’t think that she would benefit much from being there. The number one benefit to being at a daycare center as opposed to having a nanny, at least in my opinion, is that the child would have more socializing opportunities with other kids of a similar age. And that would give them the opportunity to learn to be around others and share and communicate. Well, my baby is just over four months old, and she doesn’t really care who is around as long as her mom and dad are there. She’s pretty oblivious to other kids now, as we learned from the time when my friend visited with her 18-month-old daughter, as well as when we took our baby to a friend’s twin girls’ third birthday party. So this visit was really to scope out what a day in the life could look like when our baby is at least one year old. I am still not certain I want her to attend daycare at one year old, as I think it may be better for her to go to daycare when she can actually talk, but I am still open to the idea, sort of.

Bright Horizons doesn’t really consider itself a daycare center. It’s really more like school. And when the director showed me around and showed me the schedule of activities per age on the walls, I completely understood why. There is actually a set curriculum that varies every single day. There are different learning targets for each stage of growth. They have scheduled nap times and scheduled play times and scheduled learning times. They also have things that the kids are evaluated on. And those evaluations are shared with parents via parent-teacher conferences. Yes, that is what I meant to say: parent-teacher conferences. Your one year-old will have a parent teacher conference if your child attends Bright Horizons!

The center looked the way I kind of imagined it in my head. It’s laid out the way that I imagined. They have areas where there are cots for naptime. They have play areas and tables for activities. All of the instructors have bachelors degrees or higher in early childhood education or related areas of study. These are people who are not only passionate about children, but they are passionate about learning. I watched some of the teachers interact with the children through the glass, and it was really clear that these people are very engaged and are not just there to collect a paycheck. 

Then again, given that this daycare center is essentially going to cost about $4,000 per month, these people better give a damn about the children and learning and be doing 120%. Honestly, at that rate, you would think that they would also be serving the children high end sushi, like toro and uni, for lunch. 

I remember looking at the rate card and thinking to myself, how the hell do everyday working class families afford this type of daycare?? This is not affordable for the average family. We are clearly not the average family to even consider this daycare center for our child. This country is so screwed when it comes to child care in general. It is embarrassing just to think about it.

We had two more trial nannies come, one yesterday and one today. Yesterday’s trial nanny was very kind and sweet. She clearly loved babies. But her notes were atrocious and she kept on trying to force our baby to take naps. She also didn’t always follow instructions even though I wrote her very clear notes. Chris was not really a fan of her, but I told him that because she was so nice and amiable, I had confidence that she could take constructive criticism and improve based on what we shared we wanted ongoing. She wouldn’t be the first choice, but she could be a decent second choice.

Today’s trial nanny almost never even came. Like with most of the nannies who have come for trials, Chris suggested that I write some brief notes to all of them before they came, just with basics such as the baby’s eating schedule, the fact that she is going through pre-teething, her vitamin D supplement, and the fact that she does not have a nap schedule per se right now but that the nanny would need to use her own judgment to decide when she was tired and needed to nap. I wrote the same notes and copied and pasted these to every trial Nanny after the first one. I guess the length of the notes threw off today’s trial nanny because when she took a quick glance at my notes, she tried to rule herself out and said that she did not think that she could meet my expectations and that she would need to pass on this job. I was initially really disappointed, especially because she was so warm and friendly over the phone. Plus, her references raved about how attentive to detail she was. She seemed like a genuinely good person who would do her best job. So I messaged her back and asked if there was anything in particular in my notes that she thought she could not actually do. I told her what her references shared with me, and I told her that I thought she would be a fit based on all of this. She responded and said, yes, she did pride herself on her attention to detail. And she did take the time to re-read my notes, and she said that it all sounded very straightforward. Maybe it was just the length that caught her off guard. So she would still come. I told her that we wanted all of the trial nannies to have the same information ahead of time but that I would walk them through all of this when they came on site. I just wanted to give the information ahead of time so that there were no surprises.

Well, it seems like it’s a good thing that I messaged her back and didn’t accept her eliminating herself from the process. Aside from the fact that she seemed extremely shy and reserved when she came in, which was so different from how warm and smiley she was on our video chat, she did an amazing job. She was really thorough with everything, whether it was bottle cleaning, cleaning up the play area or the bathroom after the bath, and the notes… The notes that she took were so, so thorough. They basically were like the notes that Annie used to leave us. She wrote down exactly what I wanted her to write, from the poops and pees to the amounts that the baby ate to even the activities that they did and how long they did the activities. I did not always like how she held the baby (actually, I’ve already seen this multiple times now: why is it that some nannies think it’s comfortable to hold a baby with your arms between her legs??), but I corrected her a couple of times so that she understood how my baby likes to be held. And she was fine with that. I also didn’t think that her bath was that thorough, but I gave her some feedback and she took it. I am not expecting the trial nannies to be perfect. But with hiring a nanny, it’s similar or the same as how you would hire someone at work: there are certain things that you can coach on and then there are other things that you just cannot teach. You can coach someone on how to hold your baby the way that she likes to be held or tell them that you want things laid out a certain way on the kitchen counter for the baby, but you cannot coach someone on how to love babies and actually care. That just doesn’t work.

So today’s nanny may be it. That is, unless someone else makes an offer and we go through another ridiculous situation as we did a couple weeks ago. Fingers crossed.

As part of our base requirements for our nanny, we ask if they are fully vaccinated for COVID-19 and willing to show their Covid vaccination card, if they are updated on their TDAP vaccine, as well as if they are certified in baby CPR. I have unfortunately made the mistake on a couple of calls and waited to confirm this until towards the end of the call. That wasted time. Now, I ask these questions upfront before proceeding with the call even though I originally wrote it in my text message to the nannies. Nannies are just like the rest of us: they do not always read your message in its entirety carefully before agreeing to meet over video chat. Tonight, the Nanny clearly did not read my message. She started by saying that she was fully vaccinated for Covid but is not certified in baby CPR. She says that nannies no longer do this and that families no longer ask that they do it. She insisted that it was not necessary and that it has never been an issue in the 20+ years that she has been a nanny. It’s always a danger sign when one nanny speaks for all nannies in in the entire industry. Because apparently, this nanny is aware of all other nannies and their professional development specifications, and they are also apparently aware of what all families ask of the nanny that they employ. 

And to add to how ridiculous this was, she looked me right in the eye over video and said that if I needed her to do this in order to be my baby’s nanny, I could pay for her baby CPR certification. I told her that that would not be necessary and that we would not be proceeding with the conversation. Then, I hung up. I left the room and went back into the living room. Chris commented how quickly the call ended. I told him what this person said. He understood. He was like, why would we pay for the professional development of someone that we haven’t even hired??

Yes, this is the bullshit that I am dealing with just to find someone competent to take care of my baby while I go back to work. What joy!

Finding a nanny has been harder than I expected, to say the least. I always knew that finding good childcare and particularly finding a nanny would be a challenge. However, I did not realize that I would encounter a lot of nannies that are demanding to an extent that I think is just unreasonable, not to mention nannies that just seem a bit presumptuous and flat out mean. I have had far too many video interviews with nannies over the last couple of weeks that really have proved to me that the nanny business is pretty much just like every other business in America: it is driven by money, and there is a large sense of entitlement here.  

I had one nanny go on a long rant for probably about 3 to 4 minutes at the beginning of our conversation where she complained about how a family who did a trial with her did not disclose that their child was a premature baby. She was so exacerbated by this when she arrived at their house because the baby was very small and had a weak suck. She got angry and said that these are the types of things that families should tell the nanny ahead of time. She says that she does not work with premature babies. They are supposedly just too high maintenance, too delicate, and she really doesn’t think that the nanny salary is enough to cover the amount of care that a premature baby requires. As far as I know, the only thing that a preemie baby needs that a full-term baby does not require is to have her bottles sterilized after every use, whereas a full-term baby can just have her bottles washed with soap and warm water. If the baby takes formula, the water used for her formula needs to be boiled and cooled before using to mix. I am not sure why she went on a rant just about this. I personally thought that she was an asshole for saying this, but hey, if she can be a nanny and have these types of judgments and prerequisites with her families, then all power to her. It was already a red flag when she was complaining about all her previous families and even her trial families, but the last straw of this conversation before I hung up was when she told me that she expects 100% cash payment not just for the trial, but also for all payments moving forward. This is definitely a no go. When I told her that we would require electronic payment, she literally laughed in my face and said, “Why? You need to document all of this?” It was as though she was mocking me.

I just want to find someone who is kind, warm, has a lot of energy, can follow instructions and be attentive to detail, and just loves and has a lot of experience with babies. Why is this such a challenge in the nanny search??

A nanny who seemed promising on Mommy Bites spent a good 40 minutes on the phone with me the other day. I wasn’t quite sure if I liked her or not, but thought she was competent enough to at least do a trial with. She also had extensive baby nurse background with her training and previous work, which to me sounded like a huge plus. What we were finding with nannies we were talking to and trialing is that most are rusty or just totally out of practice with babies specifically. She had a few red flags, though: she asked way too many questions about paid vacation vs. unpaid time off given Chris and I do not have our families nearby. She complained about families who decided out of the blue that the mom wanted to stay at home full time, or families who switched to daycare after just 6-8 months of having her as a full-time nanny (what, families aren’t allowed to change their minds…?!). She said she only had one reference she wanted me to call (I always ask for three and call all three). I’ve asked all nanny candidates to show me a copy of their COVID-19 vaccination card, and all have complied… until this one. When she said she wasn’t comfortable sharing it other than in person, I asked if she could show me her Excelsior pass since she’s a stranger, and I have to protect my family. This was her response:

“Hi yvonne I understand that you’re asking me for the code if I’m not quite understand but it’s all sound the same thing as asking for me to send a copy of the card, like I said in my text last night we can meet in person then you can see the copy of my vaccination card until then I do not give out my vaccination card to anyone unless I’m being hired . We decide to move forward I can say it when we meet in person . I know that you said that all the babysitters have done that and some of them do not know the right in a America.”

If you want to lecture me about your rights in America over text, I not only do not want to employ you; I want nothing to do with you at all, period.