When feedback is NOT fuel

We have this theme or saying at work that “feedback is fuel.” We pride ourselves on all having tough enough skin to accept constructive feedback, but it’s also strongly encouraged to the person giving the feedback that they do it in the most helpful, kind way possible. For the most part, I think as a company overall, we do a pretty good job of it. I’ve never received any feedback during my nearly three years here that ever felt like a personal attack or an attack on my integrity, and people generally assume the best intentions here all around. I can’t say that about any other place I’ve ever worked at.

So this morning, I had to tell our nanny that I was disappointed with her notes in our baby log that we ask her to fill out daily for Kaia. In the beginning when she started working here, she was pretty thorough about it. She would record all the things we asked her to: poops, pees, naps, and times for all the above; feeds and the amounts (when she had milk as her only food), then later on, foods she ate (and rejected), any fevers or difficulties. But if you look at the progression of her daily logs, they’ve declined in quality quite drastically: while she has always been consistent about recording poops, pees, and naps, she has stopped recording daily activities, and she’s pretty much never recorded any major milestones, which I told her would be new words, behaviors, or gestures. This previous Friday, the only note for activity was “playground.” The previous days were no better.

This felt unacceptable and a bit insulting, as I knew they didn’t JUST go to the playground. Plus, she told me that Kaia had said two new words: “outside” and “jacket.” So why didn’t she write this down? On top of that, the baby bathtub, which she is supposed to be cleaning weekly, was never cleaned the previous week. I called her out on that earlier in the week, and she said she “just forgot.” Okay, but she had already used that excuse previously when this was supposed to happen on a weekly cadence. Yet she’s been happy to talk on the phone while Kaia naps without this getting done. And over the weekend, when I checked the bathtub, there was not only still grey dirt on the top edges of the tub, but there were even traces of pink mildew, which I ended up scrubbing myself.

I also spent Saturday morning vacuuming under the dining table, the couch, and around the living room rug because there were endless food remnants that literally got everywhere that the nanny somehow had missed. And it really grated on my nerves that her cleaning job could be so sloppy. Why should I be spending my Saturday morning cleaning up after my nanny? I’m paying her to do this job after my child eats!

Well, I never got to addressing the poor floor cleaning. I only addressed the baby log because as soon as I said the notes were “not good” and “needed improvement,” and that “writing ‘playground’ was not enough detail, not everything you did, and doesn’t even cover new words,” she immediately put her face in her hands and started crying. Then, she proceeded to say that I pay her to be here to take care of my child, and she takes care of my child. Yes, I do pay her to take care of my child… which also includes filling out the baby log as we discussed and agreed upon in the contract, which also includes cleaning up after my baby’s meals! I’m not sure how any of this feedback is uncalled for or out of line. I told her that no one is perfect and everyone gets feedback when they work for someone; that is LIFE (for god’s sake, it was so frustrating to even say that out loud to someone who is almost twice my age). She barely responded and just said, “okay.” And that was really it.

I understand why some people are just anti having a nanny. It’s hard having someone that personal to you and your child and your home. There are real feelings to consider literally every single day, and there are also frustrating feelings to consider… like when they don’t think they deserve any negative or constructive feedback at all. In previous times of giving her feedback, she has refused to look me in the eye, she barely responds or says anything, and then she proceeds to avoid me the rest of the day. It’s so exhausting. And it really is completely mystifying to me that she’s so unprepared to receive such basic feedback. It’s not like I told her she tried to kill my child or put her in danger.

Duck cooking class

I hadn’t attended a cooking class since early 2020, right before the global pandemic began. So I was actually returning to the same cooking school (with an expanded space, so a far larger kitchen than three years ago!) I had visited in 2020 because for Christmas, Chris got me a cooking class specifically on how to make duck. Duck has always seemed intimidating to me for many reasons, and it’s clear that I’m not the only one scared of it: finding a whole raw duck, cut up in pieces, or duck breasts or thighs is quite hard in New York City (and likely most of the U.S.). The instructor at the class on Friday night said that he struggled to source the ducks for this cooking class and had to go to multiple stores and online shops to finally find them, at the right time, on FreshDirect, finally in stock once again.

Duck, because of its high fat content and super thick, fatty skin, is daunting to cook because it’s very easy to mess up. And when you do mess it up, it’s a really expensive mistake.This cooking class was probably the best cooking class I’ve ever taken in terms of learning technique, understanding how duck compares to other poultry (most commonly chicken), and the instructor was very clear and thorough both in explaining and in how he demonstrated. The key to making sure you cook duck perfectly is to go low and slow. You can’t rush duck, as it needs a lot of time and patience. On top of that, it’s best to have some good equipment (dutch oven, stainless steel or cast iron pan, a reliable low/medium-low heat setting on your stove), as well as… even more patience for the cleanup. Duck fat splatters literally everywhere. The fat was flying everywhere, especially during the rendering of the duck breast skin and the frying of the confit. When the cleaning lady came at the end of class after we all finished eating, I felt so terrible for her. Who knows how long that mess would take to clean up, and I’m sure there would be duck fat splatters hiding where you least expect it. I hope the cooking school was paying her well for such a sticky mess.

Another interesting thing about this class in particular is that for the very first time, it was a majority of men taking the class. There were 11 students total – eight men and three women. The two other women came with their spouses/partners. All the other men came on their own. Everyone in this class seemed to enjoy cooking and cooked regularly, and they all seemed to be intermediate-plus home cooks. I guess that’s further proof just based on this small cohort that duck is not really for the faint of heart, or someone who isn’t familiar with even how to boil water.

That meal was essentially two meals in one. I tried to eat what I could, but it was so, so much. Each of us essentially had a whole duck breast AND a whole duck thigh (confit) to ourselves, on top of a beautiful salad (with duck skin crisps we made!!) and Pommes Anna. I could not imagine anyone leaving that class still feeling hungry or like they did not get their money’s worth. The duck we made was restaurant quality, if not better. It’s inspiration for me to make it at home at some point… assuming that I am willing to splurge and also enlist Chris in the intense duck fat splatter cleanup.

Children’s birthday parties and the conversations that happen there

The three of us went to a friend’s twins’ 4th birthday party at their home today. A number of kids were there, ranging in age from about 10 months to 6 years, so Kaia was a bit on the younger side in terms of the kids who were there. The oldest child who came engaged with her a bit in the beginning, as well as a three-year old who came, who mostly stuck to herself. One twin wanted to fully exclude her from “entry” into their castle, and the second twin had to wait until the first twin went to another room to “admit” her. It was a little funny and cute how distinct the two twins’ personalities were: one twin is very aggressive, exclusive, and wants what she wants when she wants it; the other twin seems a bit more thoughtful and wants to be nice to everyone.

While watching Kaia on and off and observing how all the kids interacted with each other, I had a few short conversations with the parents who came (everyone who attended the party had kids and came with their kids). It was mostly a lot of predictable conversations around pregnancy, birth, child-rearing, temper tantrums, and developmental milestones. I sort of annoyed one mom by suggesting to her daughter that if and when the school bully tries to hit her (she was telling me about the mean kid in her class), she should hit back (I mean… I’m all about self defense. Who wants to be seen as the easy target at school?). Another mom kept asking me when I was going to try for a second kid, which I kept trying to change the subject of, yet she still didn’t seem to get the message, and continued to try to steer us back to that. She also apparently has a very different definition of what it means to have family members who live “close by”: she said she had no family who lived close by. But her mom lives a 10-minute drive away, while her sister lives an hour drive away. The other dads who were there had strained conversations with me, and overall, the conversations were fairly insipid and unmemorable. Granted, I’d seen pretty much everyone here multiple times before at this friends’ events and gatherings, but we’ve never really clicked with any one of them. I think we’re at a point now where we’ve realized that we’re not going to be establishing any of these people as our own friends or people we’d want to see outside of these events. I guess in the end, we came for our friend, our own baby to have a semblance of a “play date” like setting, and for the food (which was excellent, with the main highlights being pan roasted Korean-style beef short ribs and homemade chocolate hazelnut macarons). So the overall party was just exactly what I expected it to be, end to end.

Listening to news: a real human reading vs. a robot/AI

One of the things I’ve really enjoyed about subscribing to the New Yorker (digital version) is that a lot of the major feature articles are also read by a reader. This means that while I am multitasking, whether that is working out (my favorite), showering, or cleaning around the house, I can still “read” these stories. The New Yorker has always been one of my favorite publications because I like that they always go in-depth on something random that you wouldn’t immediately think to read about (a few recent long-form titles: “The Exhausting History of Fatigue;” “The Dirty Secrets of a Smear Campaign,” and even the profile “The Button-Pushing Impresario of Balenciaga.” It’s not always as depressing as breaking news that you get via CNN or NPR. It’s not always in your face about how awful this country is the way The New York Times always seems to feel, at least on the front page.

So I got excited when I started scrolling through the Wall Street Journal app today and realized that so many of the articles had audio. I thought, wow, this is a big win! Now I can also get major headlines read to me from a reputable source. The unfortunate part…. was that it wasn’t a real human reading the stories. Given the volume of articles, it made sense that it would be some robot reader. It would take a lot of time and resources (MONEY) to have a real person read all these stories to this level. The robot readers mispronounced endless “foreign” names and random acronyms, and the articles weren’t anywhere as enjoyable to listen to as the New Yorker‘s, for obvious reasons given who (or what, in this case) was doing the reading. Sometimes, the monotone was so grating to listen to that I just went back to the actual written article and read it myself. Oh, well. You have to take what you can get.

Pookster eats at Dosa Delight

Today, we took the train to our beloved Jackson Heights and Woodside, stocking up on Thai, Filipino, Indian, and Colombian groceries and treats. We ate lunch at Dosa Delight, our favorite place for dosas and idli, and Kaia finally got to try the food here (last year, we attempted to get in, but the wait was just too long). She had no problem helping herself and ripping into my masala dosa; she clearly loved the coconut chutney and happily grabbed it (even though it’s obviously not something you can “grab” with your hands), and she even had a number of spoonfuls of the curried potatoes and the sambar that came with.

It was cute to see the group of four sitting next to us observe Kaia voraciously eating all her vegetarian South Indian delights. Two of the women kept looking over to watch Pookster eating while smiling. I felt so much pride in that moment, of other parents watching OUR child and wondering how she got to be such a good little eater.

I hope my tiny foodie always stays a foodie, with curiosity around different cultures and their foods that never ends.

Bed Bath and Beyond at Lincoln Center goes byebye

In the Upper West Side Neighbors Facebook group I am in, someone posted yesterday that the Bed Bath and Beyond right across from Lincoln Center is not only shutting down, but literally everything in the store is 50-70% off, even the lighting fixtures and furniture inside. With situations like this, while it seems sad that yet another store is closing, it’s not like it’s some independent mom and pop shop that you feel sorry for. It’s more something that we’re used to passing by all the time that is just part of the neighborhood. And frankly, all I thought about was (and here goes my domestic goddess/mama side): maybe I could get some good deals on dish and hand soap there?

Well, I was out of luck. I took a break during lunch today to pop into the store and see, and it was like a desert: shelves completely cleared, with some random cups, plates, and plenty of blankets and bedding of a few shades to choose from. Anything even remotely desirable or useful for our apartment was nowhere to be seen. As for the toiletries and cleaning supplies: it’s almost like they dredged up items from the darkest corners of their warehouse and put them on display in the “cleaning” section, hoping that some unknowing person would just grab it because it was cheap and buy it to fully clean out and liquidate their store. Well, that wasn’t going to work for me.

So, the trip to Bed Bath was totally unfruitful. But I guess on the bright side, I didn’t waste any money on useless junk.

Play dates for the Pookster and close neighbor friends

This afternoon, I brought Kaia down to our building play room to meet up with a dad and his 18-month old son for a play date. The little toddlers were a bit shy towards each other, but they eventually traded toys, pushed and threw balls, and Kaia once again got hit on the head. I still need to get her to hit back…

Once she was born, I was hoping that pushing a stroller would attract other young parents to inquire how old she was and arrange play dates. This would help with Kaia getting more socialized and comfortable around other people. And then by default, we could start befriending other people in the building.

The dad who came to the play room with his son suggested that we’re always welcome to their apartment to hang out or even have dinner together. He said they also have some massive play structure that might be fun for the kids to play on together. I suggested the same — it would obviously be very convenient to have some friends in our own building.

Chris has not been that excited about this prospect. “Do I have to?” he whined in response. “Why can’t you go and I do something else?”

The idea of making “parent friends” does not enthuse him because he likes to make the assumption that parents become friends only because of the children’s benefit, as opposed to the parents actually having interests in common that would unite them otherwise. That all may be true, but I do think it’s important to establish some rapport and level of trust with the parents of the kids my own child will be befriending.

Music class for babies/toddlers

I signed Kaia up for the spring session of a well-known and popular music class in New York City. I originally found out about it a year ago, but I didn’t think it made much sense to pay for a music class for her back then when she wasn’t particularly interactive or responsive; to me, that felt like I would be paying for entertainment for our nanny vs. our own baby, which I did not want. Plus, before the age of 1, she would be exposed to plenty of music at home, on TV, and outdoors when we’d be out and about. So I waited until now to sign her up. It’s 13 weeks, with one class per week. You get two makeup sessions if you are out of town/have to miss a session for any reason. The ones I signed her up for are in Central Park. Her makeup sessions, which I’ve already pre-scheduled, are in Riverside Park, so all are quite close.

The annoying thing, though, is how specific they are about charges. So for example, because I signed Kaia up for the outdoor sessions, if I do a makeup session that’s “indoors,” they will require me to pay a $20 surcharge. Why…? Is it because they are paying for the indoor space, and that space, given we’re in Manhattan, is quite the premium? And they also suggested we purchase a “band in a box,” which is a box full of class props, like scarves, music-related toys, etc., for her to use during and outside of class. That costs $30. And because I didn’t want her to feel left out or like she was getting a half-assed experience, I sucked it up and paid for the box. Yep, I did THAT parent thing and just got it for her. Part of me thinks: this class is quite expensive at $35/pop (assuming you purchase the full season’s session), so why aren’t the props/toys just included? I suppose they are just being capitalists in a capitalist society and want to find every possible way to make more money. And of course, parents like us are going to pay for it because who, in this neighborhood, is going to cheap out on their child’s education? But the other part of me just feels annoyed that seemingly everything “baby” or “toddler” related has to be so expensive and has to have yet another price tag added to it. It’s exhausting sometimes. And when you do find the “free” things (paid for by… my TAX PAYER DOLLARS, like the library), it’s super competitive and cut-throat to get in, or it requires you queue up for hours on end. It’s just another thing to make parents’ lives more difficult, or to make child-rearing itself more challenging and expensive.

Culture Pass NYC

I learned about Culture Pass years ago, but I was reminded of it again through a Facebook parents group I belong to. It’s a New York City program for library card-holding patrons 13 and older of Brooklyn Public Library, New York Public Library, and Queens Public Library. With your library card, you can reserve a pass to get free admission to dozens of museums, historical societies, heritage centers, public gardens, and the like. Major museums like the Natural History Museum, the Met, and the MOMA participate; the Bronx Zoo, New York Botanical Gardens, and Wave Hill participate. And slightly lesser known historical societies and mansions such as The Japan Society and the J.P Morgan Library and Museum are included. Even the Brooklyn Children’s Museum and the Children’s Museum of Manhattan are included. Each cultural institution has its own rules: some require timed entries that you have to pre-book in advance, on top of securing a Culture Pass reservation for a specific day; others are more generous and allow you to take up to 3-4 people with you (the average seems to be you plus one other person). They typically allow you to do one booking per calendar year, so it’s not something you can take advantage of repeatedly in a short span of time. So this would not serve as a substitute for say, an annual membership to the Children’s Museum unfortunately.

After taking a look at the open passes available over the last couple of weeks, I also noticed that the breadth is pretty wide of what’s included: Second Stage Theater shows are occasionally added, as well as concerts held at Carnegie Hall and the Lincoln Center. I thought this was pretty generous. Even if the seats are balcony/nose-bleed seats, this would be high quality arts for literally the cost of your time to sign up for a library card! Of course, taking full advantage of the Culture Pass means being diligent on checking for openings regularly, especially at the beginning of each month when things open up and new events like concerts are added, but that seems like a small inconvenience given admission to any of these places would be free.

I’ve already reserved tickets for next month to visit The Japan Society, as it’s not only supposed to be interesting from an obvious cultural perspective, but the building itself is supposed to be architecturally quite unique.

Play rooms at luxury apartment buildings in New York City

When we first toured our current apartment building six years ago, although we did see the children’s play room, we didn’t think much of it since at that time, we didn’t have any kids, nor were we actively trying to conceive. But of course, since getting pregnant with Kaia and now having her, when we have toured other building’s facilities, I’ve definitely scrutinized the play rooms more in terms of how they are set up, what types of toys and structures they have, and how they are decorated. Another thing about most building play rooms (and gyms, for that matter) is that they tend to be in the basement. I’d assume this is to maximize the windowed areas for actual units people will be living in/renting/buying, but still, this is annoying to think of children playing without any natural light in the rooms they are in; it just seems so dreary. It’s my huge gripe with all daycares that are close to where we live: all the main educational areas have zero windows or view to the outside world. The big windows are one reason our nanny said she really likes our play room. She said that our play room is not too big, not too small, but just the right size. And the large windows on one side of it really help.

Our nanny has been great in finding other nannies who are caring for babies of a similar age as Kaia to arrange play dates and encourage socialization. So while they’ve organized activities together at the playground, the park, and the library, they’ve also taken turns “hosting” the other nanny/child at each other’s building’s play rooms. The thing that was hilarious about the most recent child is how big her building’s play room is. They have these huge cushion/foam structures set up for kids of toddler age to walk up, climb up, spin around, and do all the same “gymnastic” like activities that they have toddlers do at NYC Elite Gym or Gymboree… just without the $50/class price tag, or $200+/month charge.

“That building’s play room has all the same stuff as Gymboree, just without the charge!” my nanny exclaimed one day after sharing photos with me of what the kids did together. “It’s like robbery what places like Gymboree charge!”

I kind of smirked in response and said.. well, make sure to keep in contact with this nanny/nanny kid and do a play date at their play room at least once a week so we can maximize the “value” of this relationship. This relationship is essentially a $200/month value now!!