Tonight, Chris and I went to see the off-off Broadway show Engagements on the Upper West Side. The show is about a woman who is constantly being invited to engagement parties seemingly every weekend in New England. Finally, her best friend gets engaged, and at their engagement party, she ends up sleeping with the best friend’s fiance in an attempt to end the engagement. A lot of chaos ensues after that, but the show conjures up a lot of marriage and engagement hoopla that I’ve either encountered or heard about through friends and colleagues.

What makes me sad when I think about weddings and marriage is the general stereotype that people who aren’t married by 30 or 35 are somehow inadequate in society. This idea was pretty much the premise of Sex and the City, and it obviously resonated with a lot of women. What if you spend your twenties 120 percent career driven or traveling the world to save lives — what time will you have to be in a committed relationship that has the promise of marriage at the end of it? Or what if you’ve just encountered a lot of bad luck and dated all the wrong guys or girls? Or what if you’ve just been in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or what if you “invested” five or ten years in a relationship and realized at the end that this guy was never really interested in marrying you, or equally bad, you’ve realized you don’t want to be with this guy “forever”?

We found out Chris’s cousin got engaged last week, and we jokingly said that we didn’t expect her now-fiance to have stuck around. Her reply, half-joke, half-real, was that she hadn’t thought of ever dating again and that she had no plan B if this 10-year-long relationship did not work out. I don’t hear about that many relationships that span from high school to late twenties. And even when I do, hearing about them ending happily in marriage is even rarer. So the “no plan B” comment she made — that’s a reality that ends up poorly for most people in this small segment of the population.

After doing some fruitless haggling on the phone with the general manager of the Crunch 38th street location gym, I decided to change locations and go to the location closer to work for the next year. It’s always sad when loyalty isn’t rewarded, and all they do is tell you that you are getting a great deal even when they’ve been raising your rates consistently over the last three years.

How many people do you think actually pay an entire year’s worth of gym membership up front? If I’m going to pay a higher rate and also pay up front, it better be the most glamorous gym I’ve ever stepped foot into. In this city, gym memberships are typically $90-200/month, excluding any ridiculous enrollment fees they make you pay. To get better deals, you can pay up front, but that also means bigger commissions up front to the sales person.

I can’t stand slimy sales people. While I could have sent him a nasty email to his follow up message letting him know he doesn’t know a single thing about sales, I simply let him know I would not be renewing at his location. Take that, loser.

This week has been dismal for multiple reasons for me. This week ends in the third anniversary of my brother’s passing. This week contained my first experience firing someone. And, it is the week of the Republican National Convention, where I heard so much fear and hatred among the Republican speakers and audience, with the exception of Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump’s speeches, that it honestly made me fear for the future.

I’ve never seen a series of speeches that tried to instill fear in the American public. Usually when I think of Republican or Democratic national conventions, I tend to think of them as a time to instill hope for the future, but these speeches were all about how we should fear for our lives and fear our neighbors and potential immigrant neighbors, load our guns, and defend and preserve what is America. I don’t know what America is if it’s a place that is hostile to neighbors, or thinks that it’s actually an easy feat to immigrate here. The “facts” that were discussed during this convention did not appear to me to be facts, but more lies that try to make people hate Hillary Clinton, who really doesn’t deserve that much hate and is frankly getting a lot of this hate because she’s a powerful woman, and make us hate each other more. It felt hurtful to me to watch these speeches, and it pained me to think of the future ahead of us with a potential leader who has no true game plan at all.

Bill Maher and Michael Moore are right. We’re a nation of people who are idiots who will likely be led by Trump because of our laziness to see the truth and cut through all of the Trump campaign’s bullshit.

What is really amazing is all the crap that the Trump presidential campaign has been able to get away with simply because it is Donald Trump running for president. Every time something stupid has been said or done by this campaign, I always wonder: what would America have said if Mitt Romney said that Mexicans were rapists? How would people have responded if Obama had said he wanted to build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico? And if Michelle Obama had plagiarized Laura Bush’s speech from a major convention, the right would never have forgiven Michelle.

The plagiarism of the speech speaks to several things: Obviously, Melania Trump likes Michelle Obama; she admired this speech so much that she read it to her speech writers for her inspiration, leading to this plagiarism (gasp, looking to the other side for inspiration!). Melania can’t write, even though the Trump campaign insists she wrote the speech herself. And, this issue also raises the issue that I know will be raised by the further left in the media and by black people (and really, anyone of color who thinks deeply about this, including me): white people stealing the work of black people and claiming it as their own — an ongoing battle since forever.

Oh, dear. This is the world we are a part of.

No one wants to get fired. It’s not easy to get fired, and it’s also not easy to fire someone. Seven years ago, I was laid off due to the big recession. Sometimes, people don’t differentiate getting downsized due to recessions/overall company layoffs or actually getting let go because of performance, but I think that either way, it’s a pretty miserable experience. I’ll never forget how terrible I felt the morning it happened. It’s funny because I actually had anticipated it for weeks and had even cleaned up my desk and taken home all my belongings two weeks before. I had already started applying for new jobs. But on the day, I still cried and felt unloved, unneeded, and like no one cared about me. I felt like a complete failure. My friends and family called to comfort me. My roommate held me when I got home. But I still felt useless and unneeded.

So, I thought about this throughout today as I prepared to let someone on my team know her employment would be terminated, effective today. It had been a long time coming; she’d dictated to everyone else what days she’d choose to take the liberty to work remotely, was argumentative when I asked her to come into the office during normal office hours during work days, and consistently tried to tell her teammates that she knew better than they did because she’d been at the company longer. She refused feedback constantly and perceived everything as an attack. But despite all this, I felt terrible because I knew how she would feel. She would feel betrayed, like I had pretended to help her since her performance improvement plan but had never really intended to at all. She’d feel like we never appreciated her hours and devotion to the company. She’d feel worthless the way I felt seven years ago when I got laid off. Regardless of whether it’s true or not, she’d feel like she did not deserve this and that she’d done nothing wrong.

It’s cliche, but I’ve learned a lot since that day I got laid off. I learned that my loyalty to a company should never be that deep because frankly, loyalty is dead today. People don’t get pensions anymore; time devoted to a company is now meaningless. I learned that I can’t fully trust anyone I work with while we are still at the same company or in our current partnership, that there would always be things I wouldn’t know that would have the potential to harm me (two minutes before she came downstairs for our final meeting, she went into my manager’s manager’s office and asked him, “If you knew I was getting fired, you’d tell me, right?” He said, of course!). You can be friends with your colleagues; no one is arguing against that. But you should also be very careful what you say, especially when it has to do with the company or others who work there.

I also learned exactly how important perception is; just because you think you work hard doesn’t necessarily mean anyone else thinks you work hard; you need to make that shit obvious. Also, working hard doesn’t mean working longer hours; it means working smarter and more efficiently. Oftentimes in this brainwashed American society we live in, we confuse working hard with working long hours, which is so flawed and simply stupid.

I feel bad for her, and I know she cried on her way out. But I do hope she saw this as a learning experience as cliched as it is, and that she does try to improve herself in her next role. I don’t wish ill will on anyone. Although I still deal with my own trust issues, I really do wish the best for everyone I know, even if I absolutely cannot stand them. Some people I know will never improve (mostly my family, sadly), but it doesn’t mean I don’t still hope for positive change.

This weekend will be our first full weekend in New York City in a while. The last two weekends were spent in Korea, while the previous three weekends, Chris had to depart on Sundays for his hectic work trips across the country and to Europe. I’m not sure if he hasn’t adjusted yet to New York time given the chaos of adjusting from East Coast to London/Paris to Seoul time, but all he seems to want to do is rest and be on the couch. I spent the first day back from Korea and Dallas soaking laundry and unpacking, but he still hasn’t unpacked. I’m organizing gifts to give away from our Korea trip, reorganizing the cabinets, and cleaning the bathroom tonight, and he’s snoring on the couch.

This just proves that always being on the go isn’t that good for one’s body. He’s sleeping and it’s only 9pm on a Friday night.

We decided to stay another year at our current apartment. The benefits are that we a) don’t have to move and deal with all the stress and money around that, b) we’ll be saving a lot of money since wherever we ended up moving would have cost a lot more than what we’re paying now, and c) I don’t have to hear my mother whining at me for living a wasteful, extravagant life.

I was kind of happy about staying, mainly because of the savings part and my lazy attitude around moving, but then the laundry dryer downstairs still isn’t working. So I spent the evening two nights ago hanging all our half-wet clothes literally all over the apartment and feeling irritated. Our apartment, already small, was clutter central.

But at least we’re saving a lot, right?

It’s so hot out now that it’s nearly stifling. I tried to take a quick walk during a break today, and the air just feels very thick, like it’s harder to breathe because of the high level of humidity. I came back to the office feeling sticky and sweaty — not a good physical state to be working at a computer. I’ve never been more grateful for air conditioning.

It was one thing to be hot and humid in a place like Busan, where we were exposed to gorgeous coastal walks and seemingly clean air. Here, we’re just surrounded by lots of bodies walking around and too many cars and a lot of pollution. Back to summer city life, it is.

I’ve been texting Chris a lot while he’s been away to keep him updated on all the apartment searching I’ve been doing in his absence. While I have been running all over this city viewing apartments and dealing with brokers for a potential future home, he’s been in London attending Wimbledon and having English afternoon tea with his pinky sticking out. What a hard life he leads.

He texted today and asked if I was enjoying the search and that it seemed like I was at least sort of liking it. Well, compared to when I first moved to New York (which was hell), I like it a lot more for a number of reasons: 1) Then, I was naive and knew zero about New York real estate (how expensive space truly is here), rental anything (broker fees, what to expect legally, etc.), therefore making me vulnerable to getting ripped off, 2) I made a lot less money then, which meant I was more likely to see terrible apartments in the price range I’d set, 3) I had a roommate then who only had income from Trader Joe’s, which didn’t help point #2, 4) that roommate had really low expectations (today, she lives in a building that doesn’t even have a doorbell), so we just didn’t want the same things.. or know what we wanted period, and 5) when we searched while we lived in our maniac apartment in Elmhurst, we had a landlord who was constantly meddling in our lives, so we were never really that happy about our living situation.

Today, I generally have a good idea of what to expect in terms of space and prices for what general neighborhoods. I don’t have a roommate who has different standards than me (in fact, I don’t have a roommate now; I have a husband). I also am not trying to escape a miserable living situation; our situation is great now, but we just kind of want more space. So all in all, life is a lot different now. I’m also more direct and a bit more of an asshole now, so if I think someone (as in a realtor) is wasting my time, I just leave and say I’m not interested. Before, I would have kept entertaining the idiot’s stupid recommendations.

One thing I’ve noticed is that when I say, “my husband and I…” vs. the then “my roommate and I…”, the former gets far more positive and serious responses than the roommate situation. I already expected that. We’re older, we’re married, we’re established, meaning we’re stable. That’s what they are thinking. They also assume we have more money. We’re not just some dumb 20-something-year-old women flitting around the city aimlessly. The more money, the more money they think we will rent at, which means the bigger the fees they get to collect from these management companies.

I guess being married has its perks I wasn’t really thinking about when I signed the marriage license. 🙂