Little love for women in the world

I met my former colleague and now friend for dinner tonight in Elmhurst, and we caught up over Northern Thai food (which was so good that I’m still thinking about it now). She was based in our company’s Amsterdam office, but she is temporarily here in New York with her husband and baby daughter, waiting for their visas to be cleared so that they can relocate to Hong Kong for his new job. We lamented all of the ridiculous drama at the company where I currently work at that she has left, and discussed all the hate in the world for women, and particularly, women who are mothers.

At our company, we get 17 weeks of fully paid parental leave. Given that the Netherlands is, well, in Europe, they clearly have better laws that allow mothers more time off, so she took an additional three months of leave… and it was really clear that the leadership on our team was not happy about this. When she informed our leadership team that she would likely be relocating back to New York City, which is home for her, a leader on our team responded, “Oh, so you want to do the easy thing when moving home, then?” and asked her if her views of work and work ethic had changed since becoming a mom. What the fuck kind of question is that? It’s almost as though since she became a mom that she had less respect on our team. And it didn’t help when someone said that in the last year, she had become “less ambitious.” Why — because she… gave birth and became a parent?!

On the flip side, she has friends who have sleep trained their babies, and they are judging her left and right for not sleep training her own daughter, who is just over a year old now. They send her passive aggressive text messages, saying she should really consider sleep training. To me, she’s not any different pre or post baby, and she is definitely not more tired or grouchy. I don’t really get what all the fuss is about. It doesn’t seem to matter what you do or what you say, but as a woman, and especially as a mother, someone will be judging you very openly, and implying you are failing or just not good enough.

You’d think that in 2019 we’d have made more progress than we have…. but even at “progressive” companies and cities, we really just have the facade of progress, but inside, we’re just as backwards as any other place.

when the ignorant discuss topics as though they are experts

As a woman and a person of color, I am oftentimes amused, baffled, and at times even enraged when I think about all the conversations that I overhear about topics being discussed by people who have no clue about the realities of the topics they are discussing. It ranges from the stupid generalizations I hear of people who have traveled to maybe one or two cities in a country and are now somehow making massive all-encompassing statements about x country in comparison to this country or others they have visited, to a bunch of white men gathered around a table discussing diversity – no woman at the table, no person from the LGBTQ community, no black, brown, yellow, or blue person. What exactly do anyof you know about what you are discussing, anyway? 

Then there’s the generalization of old white men in Alabama today making decisions that affect women in the form of not only banning abortion, but making it illegal for doctors to perform the operation, without exceptions for incest or rape. While all of that is horrible and completely lacking of empathy or any ability to relate given that no man will ever have the opportunity to understand how horrific this situation could personally be, I would even go so far as to say that women who identify as pro-life and consider abortion “baby-killing” likely have zero idea how judgmental, unempathetic, and wrong they are in their opinions. It’s not really anyone’s place to be deciding what any one person decides for her own body. That’s like regulating when someone decides to cut their hair or pee. Leave them alone. It doesn’t affect you at all. How does this affect your life…?

I oftentimes think back to my last workplace where one of my colleagues was five months pregnant, and at five months, the fetus suddenly stopped growing. And she had to face the absolutely horrifying decision to either a) abort the baby (which was essentially dead), or b) take the risk of ‘carrying it to term’ and giving birth to a dead body and suffering massive potential health consequences. Given she lived in San Francisco, she was actually able to make choice A… as painful and depressing as it was. But I’ve read other cases where women had similar situations when they were not so lucky to live in a progressive city or state, and thus were forced to take major health risks and carry the fetus to term. Some of these stories have resulted in significant health ramifications that never seem to get brought up when the topic of “pro-choice or pro-life” debated.

We have no idea what we don’t know… until we learn it. So why are we all trying to regulate the bodies of other people? Why does the Republican Party, who prides itself on being for small government, want to have “big government” specifically when it comes to making personal decisions for women, who represent over half our population?!

Until this week, I didn’t even realize that New York State bans abortions after about 20 weeks. It’s even nearly impossible to get an abortion in New York City, LAND OF PROGRESS. That’s my city where I live right now, today! Even in a land where Roe v. Wade has been the law of the land over 46 years, people still can’t accept reality and still try to oppress vulnerable women who need the most support of them all. The progress we have made is slowly being rolled back and destroyed. And that “progress” is still a long time coming and has a long way to go.

These are the moments when I am so ashamed to be a part of this country. This is really when the lack of funding in education, the overall lack of knowledge in this country is just so painfully apparent and excruciatingly raw.

First full day of resort vacation, then pain

Last night when I went to bed, I discovered that the pillows on the bed were extremely soft, but given I was already nestled in, I was too lazy to call room service to ask for a firmer pillow and made the huge mistake of going to sleep with these. I then woke up this morning to the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my neck all the way down my right shoulder. I kept stretching and massaging it every which way, and nothing would help. Why am I starting the first day of my President’s Club resort vacation in pain? This must be bad karma, I thought.

Despite that, I woke up early, stretched, went to the fitness club and did a spin and TRX class, then met some colleagues on my team for breakfast. I kept stretching my neck, and although they knew I had booked a facial around noon, they encouraged me to also book a massage, as well, to get the kinks out of me. So after some steaming, sauna, jacuzzi, and facial time, I decided to indulge even further and book a deep-tissue massage with hot stones.

As I got into the room, I told the masseuse about the bad pillow and my neck/shoulder issue. He felt the area and started working on it. “Actually, you seem really tense overall in this area,” he observed. “You may already have had something here before the bad pillow, and that ended up being the icing on the cake.”

Great – all this tension built up in my body, and it culminates in pain on the first day of my only real resort vacation ever. This is just great luck.

The other added benefit of getting the massage was that he also identified the kinks in my lower back that were a side effect of hurting my piriformis muscle weeks ago, and he managed to get them all out. This was the most expensive massage I’ve ever had in my life, but it was all worth it in the end… especially since it was mostly comped by my company.

Now, I’m wondering if I could make President’s Club again this year. 😀

good manager, bad manager

I was at dinner tonight with a friend and his friend, a former colleague of both of ours who you might describe as a fiercely independent power woman. She’s also Asian and swears like there is no tomorrow. I was sitting at a fancy midtown bar, telling them about the work drama that ensued this week that has left me feeling like I want to burn my office down. I described the head of my team to her today.

“You know what?” she said to me, with a look on her face that clearly matched how I’ve been feeling this week. “She sounds like the kind of person who has an exact vision of what she wants a role to be all down to the last bullet, but she doesn’t have the empathy and awareness to understand how someone who doesn’t fit the mold could actually do that job, but even better than they would have originally imagined. That’s because her mold is so restrictive and colored by what she is projecting onto it. She wants someone who can be just like her in that role. You will never be her, and that’s okay. But for her to not understand that you could still be successful in that role just because you are not exactly like her is a sign she’s a poor manager of people. Good managers see the strong qualities of their direct reports and allow them to play up those qualities to help them shine. Bad managers simply reject those who are not exactly like them or the mold they want them to be.”

That just made me want to have yet another drink.

Hair breakage

I’ve never really been into hair at all. I don’t use any hair products other than shampoo and conditioner. The few times a year when I curl my hair, I use a heat protective spray and hairspray to set the curls. But ever since I started highlighting my hair about two years ago, I realize that my hair gets less oily than before, so now, I can go with washing my hair with shampoo as little as two days a week sometimes. However, it’s also led to more frequent split ends since I have very fine hair, and recently, much to my complete horror, the ends of my hair just keep breaking every single time I comb through it or take my hair out of a bun. Tiny little one- to two-inch pieces break off, and I’m left with a mess to clean up on my bathroom floor and in my comb.

Yesterday, I went in for a trim with my hairstylist, and I told her that my hair was breaking. It’s most likely due to the combination of color treatment, harsh winter cold, and my morning blowdrying I have to do before heading out for work (since the last thing I want is my hair to turn to ice and break into pieces outside). She gave me a three-step deep hair conditioning treatment/masque to apply this weekend and said I needed to start giving my hair some TLC, otherwise it would just keep breaking.

I left the hair salon feeling so high maintenance. Now, I’m going to be that woman who has to masque her hair.

Madeleine Albright’s wise words

The former secretary of state and fellow Wellesley alum once was quoted in a speech for saying this:

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

And I have never felt it in a more resounding tone than this week.

But, I will wait and be patient for now.

Having your life saved by your sibling

When people die prematurely, it tends to bring a lot of thoughts to one’s mind. Kara Swisher wrote this opinion piece in The New York Times about the sudden and unanticipated stroke she had when was on a business trip in Hong Kong when she was just 49 years old. She had a really busy schedule and was running from meeting to meeting, but in between, she was on the phone with her brother, who is a doctor. She described her symptoms to him. And he advised her to immediately get to the nearest hospital right away. “You’re having a stroke,” he admonished her. She needed to get treated ASAP.

Because of her brother’s constant prodding, she finally relented and went to the hospital. Through an M.R.I., she discovered she was having a mini-stroke, a small hole in her heart to which a clot traveled. If she didn’t go right away, she could have had her mobility taken away or even died. But because of her loving brother’s insistence, she is now here with us, still living, still able to be with her husband and their two sons.

I paused for a bit after reading this and teared up, especially at the last two lines:

“That definitely included the fantastic brooding of Mr. Perry’s Dylan McKay, who was given to saying things like, ‘The only person you can trust in this world is yourself.’

Well, I guess, but not if you are lucky enough to have a brother who saved your life.”

The world does not revolve around me. But when I read things like this, stories about sibling relationships and love, and in this specific case, a brother who saved his sister’s life, I think about my relationship with Ed — how I wanted to help save his life, but I was unable to. I was too far away from him, both physically and mentally. I couldn’t help him as much as I wanted to because I was just unable to reach him. And stories like this are a reminder of how I tried and failed because I just wasn’t capable. It just hurts all over again.

‘s mind.

Vietnam War documentary series

I originally intended to watch the entire 10-episode series of Ken Burns’s The Vietnam War documentary on Netflix before we departed for Vietnam in December, but I wasn’t able to. I got only to the first two episodes, but that was already enough to fill me with angst. It’s quite sad that the Vietnam War is not taught in depth the way it should be in American schooling because so much of it is misunderstood by the American people, particularly when you think about the actual rational of the U.S. government to enter the war and continue to be a part of it. So much was either not shared to the American people, or felt out lied about to the American public. Many South Vietnamese, including my own mother (well, there’s some bias here since she ended up marrying an American soldier), think that the Americans were a blessing to the Vietnamese people in entering this war, that their reason to come was to save them. But as revealed in this documentary, that was actually the very last, and the least weighted reason, for the U.S. to enter the war. The number one reason was to prove internationally the American superiority, the American prowess over the world. The very last documented reason was to save the South Vietnamese people.

All the bombs that were repeatedly dropped on North Vietnam were done without the American public knowing about it. They were never informed. It was never covered in the news. So when a reporter from The New York Times came and actually witnessed this happening and reported it, so many Americans refused to believe it was actually true. But it was. This is the kind of thing that makes me so angry — a government trying to assert its authority and trying to come off as though they are peace-seeking, doing something selflessly, when in reality it is 100 percent motivated by selfishness, and carried out in total deception. How can anyone in their right mind see the facts of the Vietnam War and still believe that the actions of the U.S. government were justified? How can you lie to the people you govern over and then try to justify it? How can you commit so many war crimes and somehow manage to continue to be fully absolved from them to this day? These are the moments where it is so clear that life is unfair and that the worst of the worst never seem to get what they deserve. There is no ‘learning from your mistakes’ here. It’s just mistakes over mistakes, repeatedly.

I also say this as someone who would not be here today if the Vietnam War never happened, if the U.S. never participated in it. But it still makes me more angry beyond comprehension.

Four days homebound

There’s really nothing worse than staying at home and being sick. The rest of the world goes on and gets everything done that they need and want to get done. Here I am, letting life pass by and getting pretty much nothing done other than cleaning my sinks and toilet because of all my spitting and vomiting, drinking a ton of liquid, which results in my constant toilet breaks, and trying to get into a comfortable position. This is not fun. Then, I am rescheduling all my customer calls, and then getting more and more delayed with the prep work for onsite meetings that I need to travel to next week. Not being productive is really one of my worst nightmares and makes me feel terrible. I hate feeling like I am not getting anything done.

I was on the phone with Teledoc this morning to see if they could give me any useful advice. I’m nearing my wits end with my cough and terrible sleep. They ended up prescribing me a prescription-grade cough suppressant, plus an anti-inflammatory steroid to help with my breathing and to help lessen my cough. We’ll see if any of this ends up helping me. It’s hard to tell if anything I am doing is helping, or if it’s just the passage of time that is healing. The greatest thing about using Teledoc is that I don’t have to leave where I am, and I don’t have to deal with some moronic overpaid doctor who doesn’t give me any useful information at all like what happened last month.

 

 

War Remnants Museum in Saigon

It’s a funny thing about museums covering war and conflict; at some point, someone get up in arms about how biased a museum can be, or gets angry about the the self-promoting nationalist propaganda that a city or country’s museum takes. Prior to coming to this museum today, I skimmed a number of TripAdvisor reviews, and a few very angry Americans touted this museum as “Vietnamese propaganda,” “completely biased,” and “anti-American” (to this last point, I would respond, ‘Well, the U.S. did decide to come invade Vietnam and harm then and future generations of Vietnamese people, so if you were Vietnam, wouldn’t you be anti-American, too?’) But if you think about it, every country does this. I mean, it’s not like the JFK Presidential Library and Museum reveals that he didn’t genuinely care about civil rights for black Americans, and that he was really supporting whatever would get him reelected. The Vietnam War memorials, many of them all over the U.S., but the largest one in Washington, D.C., doesn’t mention the fact that the U.S. sprayed Agent Orange, among a whole rainbow of colors of other toxic chemicals, all over the country of Vietnam in a miscalculated attempt to destroy the food crops of guerrilla warriors, when in fact they completely screwed up and instead destroyed the crops of civilians, not to mention poisoned anyone who came into content with that substance for life, plus their second, third, and now even fourth generation family members.

In my history courses in high school covering recent U.S. history (in American history classes, “recent” means 1900s and onward), the Vietnam War is a quick few paragraphs in a textbook, and then it’s done. There’s a quick mention of Agent Orange and that the U.S. retreated, and that was pretty much it. I still remember coming back from my Advanced Placement U.S. History class on the day that our very left-leaning teacher did a lesson on the Vietnam War. He said, “The U.S. lost! We actually lost! We weren’t used to losing! So we had to get the hell out of there and FAST!”

I realized in that class that I knew absolutely nothing about the Vietnam War. My brother and I were results of the Vietnam War; he and I would not exist if that war did not happen. Our dad served as a Private in radio communications on the U.S. side during the war in Qui Nhon in south central Vietnam. Our mom also somehow got a job with the U.S. Army also working in radio communications in the same city. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So, I headed home that day. And at dinner, I told my dad what my history teacher said. “Mr. Schmidt said that the U.S. lost the war,” I said naively and ignorantly. “Is that really true?”

My dad looked flabbergasted. He dropped the fork onto his plate, and he looked at me as though I was crazy. “We didn’t lose!” he exclaimed. “We retreated! There’s a difference between those two things!”

Actually, there kind of isn’t. As I read more on my own, I realized, this country really did lose. And we kind of deserved it. My dad never elaborated more than that. He rarely liked to talk about the war, and for very obvious reasons, neither did my mom. It was one of those subjects that I always wanted to ask more about, but was too afraid to upset either of them about.

Today, we went through all the exhibits one by one in the War Remnants Museum (originally called Exhibition House for US and Puppet Crimes, then renamed to Exhibition House for Crimes of War and Aggression, then finally renamed to this final name in 1995 after diplomatic relations between the U.S. and Vietnam were normalized). I noticed callouts regarding radio communications in central Vietnam and thought about my parents. I saw Qui Nhon marked as a major combat unit in South Vietnam and learned it was designated as the tiger region. And, much to my complete disgust and horror, I saw real photos of the effects of Agent Orange on innocent south Vietnamese civilians, some of whom were in the womb when their mothers were affected by this chemical. It was an entire exhibit devoted to the atrocities that fell upon these innocent people in this beautiful country all because my home country decided to recklessly spray whatever they could in an attempt to win a war. Of the bits my dad did share with me, he said that he learned of Agent Orange while he was in Qui Nhon, and he heard the officials telling everyone not to be concerned if they got it on themselves because it wouldn’t harm them; it was only meant to harm the crops and fields. My dad thought they were crazy; he didn’t trust anything that they told him, and he stayed far away from all of it as possible. And thank God he did. So many American soldiers came back to the U.S. with terrible health ramifications that the U.S. government refused to acknowledge or compensate for decades after the war ended.

There was the photo of the conjoined twins who had their own arms and legs, but shared a torso. Then, there was the baby with a massively enlarged skull that looked as though bullets had gone through it. She had been diagnosed with hydro-encephalitis, a disease in which there is a build up of fluid in the brain ventricles, and thus the pressure of the fluid ends up causing life-threatening brain damage. She died a month after the photo was taken. Then, there are the many photos of babies born who basically look like skulls with empty eye sockets. They were blind and would never be able to see. They were doomed to never properly grow into adulthood. This is just a quick snapshot of what I remember and some of which I took pictures of. But it’s not even a smidgen of all the awful health outcomes of those affected by Agent Orange.

I started sobbing while looking at these horrific photos; it was difficult to remain composed. I’ve visited a number of very tragic and moving war museums, including the Atomic Bomb Museum in Hiroshima and the Apartheid and District Six Museums in Johannesburg and Cape Town, but for me, this somehow hurt so much more and felt closer to me. It felt more real to me than the others, and maybe it’s because my parents were there that I felt so terrible. My parents could have been affected by that; my relatives on my mom’s side were affected. My mom lost many siblings during the war, and I don’t even know all the stories to this day. I know she had nine living siblings; I know only the stories of three. What happened to the other six…? The horrors of the war still stay with my mom, and very likely with my dad, which is why he doesn’t talk about it, either. But with Agent Orange specifically, I felt enraged that the country I call home could be so reckless and stupid, and worse, actually defend what they did and even lie about it, even to their own people. And when people actually were affected, they didn’t care about them and ignored them. It’s so typical of the Land of the Free to do something so cold and cruel like this. The U.S. got away with war crimes, and to this day, this country denies the impact that Agent Orange has and claims that the 4.8 million Vietnamese affected that the Vietnamese government claims is grossly over-estimated. For a country that refuses to provide their own affected soldiers who have come back from the war treatment and compensation, that is just disgusting. More and more, I felt embarrassed to be an American standing in that museum.

And then I think of the current political situation back home, with President Dipshit, the oldest child to ever run the country, and his insipid, selfish, racist, and short-sighted government shut-down, and I think, do we really have any hope of being a better place when a large chunk of this country support this moron?