Pumping milk at a winery

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Today, I brought my Baby Buddha breast pump connected with my Legendairy Milk cups while on the car ride and at the winery we visited. I always get a little self conscious wearing my milk cups out in public because they are huge; they make me look like I have D+ cup breasts, but hey, when you have to pump, you have to pump. So I pumped while there, having some hard cider, cheese, and crackers, and wondered if anyone noticed the sound of my pump or the fact that I looked a little disproportional. I’m sure no one noticed or cared, especially given we were outside enjoying the nice fresh air with our ciders.

I took a photo of myself with my D+ milk cups on and sent to my friend, and she said how hilarious and huge my breasts looked. “At least they give you the ability to be in public and pump!” she said in response. The convenience of these new pumping technologies actually makes us pumping mamas feel like we can really have a life outside of pumping milk for our babies. Even though the output still isn’t the same as my Spectra, I’ll take what I can get if it means I can be more mobile temporarily.

Poughkeepsie getaway

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Since we didn’t plan an Independence Day weekend trip, we decided to take a long weekend the weekend before the 4th of July this weekend to the Poughkeepsie/Hudson River Valley area. This area is just about 1.5 hours outside of New York, yet it really does feel like an entire world away. Everyone drives. You can access hiking trails and wineries easily. The air is actually fresh air.

This will also be Kaia’s second trip away from home, and yet another crib/bed that is not her own that she will sleep in. So far today, she seemed like a really good little traveler yet again, sleeping almost the entire way in the car and happy and babbling a lot while at the winery we visited. So far, we’ve gotten really lucky with her adapting to new places and sleeping arrangements.

After having spent about half a day here, I totally get why people do weekend getaways to Poughkeepsie or Beacon. It’s so close to the city and even accessible via train. It feels very quaint and nature-y. It feels good to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city every now and then and do things at a slower pace. Then again, I guess once you have a baby, you have to go slower no matter how efficient you want to be.

When grandparents are the primary caretakers

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This week, since our nanny is away in Jamaica for the next two weeks, we have Chris’s parents watching and caring for Kaia during the day while Chris and I work. Since I work from home, I can still help with things like diaper changes and bottle cleaning, so they are primarily responsible for taking her outside (they took her to the play gym yesterday), feeding, and entertaining her. She seems to have adapted to them well; she even likes keeping them company on the bed after she has completely worn them out while they take little naps there. It’s pretty hilarious to watch.

And for the first time yesterday, Chris’s dad actually bottle fed a baby — our baby. According to Chris’s mother, their dad had never even bottle fed either Chris or his brother even once when they were babies, so this was the very first time he’d done a baby feeding. Granted, Chris’s mom burped Kaia, but this was still kind of a big deal. I texted Chris’s brother to let him know, and he was incredulous. “That would be a first!” he exclaimed in response. In fact, Chris’s parents were arguing over who was going to feed Kaia next at her upcoming feed! It was both cute and hilarious to witness.

When your baby doesn’t want mama’s boobs anymore

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Since our night nurse stopped working with us at around the three-month mark, I’ve been putting Kaia to bed every night after Chris feeds her. Our usual routine is he will feed and burp her, then hand her off to me in the bedroom so I can cuddle and sing to her, nurse her (for comfort), and then she’ll pass out, and I’ll put her into the bassinet asleep. I’ve always looked forward to this quiet time every night together. Even though I’d made peace with the fact that she wasn’t getting nourished directly from my breasts, I still found comfort and love in the fact that she still wanted my boobs for comfort and security. So in the last week, when I’ve attempted to give her a breast before bed and she’s gotten fussy, I’ve been a bit taken aback and wondering if our nursing time together would be coming to an abrupt end.

It initially started with her rejecting my breast and yelping. Then I’d sing to her to calm her down, and then as she’d get more tired, she’d grab my breast to suckle and then pass out. That’s been going on in the last week. But in the last few days, she just wants nothing to do with my breasts. As soon as I whip out the boob and stick it in her face, she either turns away or starts to yell, indicating she doesn’t want it. It honestly hurt my heart. She was essentially rejecting me, and it didn’t make me feel good. I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach when she rejected my breast tonight, and I wondered if this was really the end. I always imagined comfort nursing her until at least one year, even if I couldn’t nurse her for actual food. But that may have been too idealistic of a fantasy on my part.

My baby’s getting bigger, I keep telling myself. She’s growing up. Soon, she won’t be a baby anymore. She’s not going to want her mama’s boobs once she’s a toddler anymore. And those are all normal things with normal child development. But it doesn’t mean that I feel nothing when all these changes happen. I still get emotional thinking how quickly she is growing and how she needs me a tiny bit less each and every day. Today, she won’t want my boobs anymore. Tomorrow, she may not want cuddles. And the next day, she’ll be running off with her friends and not wanting to spend time with me. Life moves forward.

Eating solids, continued

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Pediatricians and baby eating experts often say that regardless of when a baby starts eating solids, whether it’s at 4 months or 6 months, the majority of their diet should continue to be breast milk or formula up until the age of 1. Part of the reason for this is that the introduction of solids is simply that — an introduction. The baby will not be having a majority diet of solids for a long time after getting initially introduced. They have to get used to eating non-breast milk/formula. They are adapting to new tastes, textures, self-feeding, being feed from a spoon or from a plate and not through a bottle nipple or mom’s nipple. So in the beginning, the baby will likely play with and throw the food, taste and spit it out. Not much actual eating and swallowing will happen. That comes as a real shock to a lot of new parents who haven’t read much about introducing solids, and so they get really disappointed when the baby doesn’t actually eat and swallow (including Chris). But babies, like the rest of us, need time to get used to new foods. Just the exposure is a good thing in the beginning. Playing with the food, even if it’s just pushing it around the tray or throwing it, is still exposure. They are still interacting with the food, which is good. It’s considered a win or a “mini meal” if they have just the equivalent of one teaspoon of something, and then eventually, one tablespoon of something. So as you can imagine, introducing solids, whether it’s in whole food form or via pureed food, is going to take a crap ton of patience. The more I have thought about this, the more I have realized that introducing a large array of foods in different shapes, colors, and sizes, takes a LOT of time, energy, and patience; thus, it’s no wonder that kids end up becoming picky eaters. Their parents just didn’t have the time or energy to introduce them to eating the rainbow. In some cases, the parents are just being lazy (or imposing their own picky eating on their kids). In most cases as I’d assume, though, it’s because the parents were just too exhausted.

Babies have nothing to compare solids to in terms of taste, other than breast milk or formula. So they don’t have any pre judgments about whether mango should be tastier than broccoli or brussel sprouts. So far, we’ve introduced Kaia to avocado, Alphonso mango, broccoli (steamed, roasted, pureed), and asparagus (roasted, and lime (a wedge). She has no reason to prefer any of these things to the other, and my hope is that she will eventually embrace them all. But we just need to be patient and not impose our own judgments of these foods onto her.

Transitioning from bassinet to crib

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It’s been a bittersweet week, with not only our baby and I getting sick, but also attempting to transition her out of her bassinet and into her crib. We attempted to get her to sleep in the crib before she got sick and failed, as she kept associating the big crib bed with play time and would roll constantly as soon as you laid her down on it. Once she got a fever, I wasn’t comfortable with her in the crib, so we monitored her more closely overnight by having her sleep in the bassinet in our bedroom. On Friday, we got her to successfully sleep in the crib for the first time overnight, and it’s continued through the weekend. I got a little nervous since she was constantly rolling over onto her tummy to sleep, but apparently baby sleep experts say it’s okay for them to roll to sleep on their tummy, as that’s a sign they are strong enough to roll and move their heads enough to ensure they can breathe now.

I’m really happy to see her peacefully sleeping in her crib, enjoying all her newfound space, especially after being so cooped up and cramped in the bassinet in the last month or so. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me a little sad. I loved having her sleep in our room with us, and now she’s in her big girl room in the second bedroom. I enjoyed nursing her to sleep while side lying on the bed before putting her down in her bassinet. I can’t do that anymore. Now, when I nurse her before bed, I have to sit on the chair by the crib and see if she will take my boob. My baby is only getting bigger. Each day, she’s becoming less like my little baby and more and more like a constantly curious and slightly cheeky little woman. I just can’t believe it. I don’t know how I got this lucky. Every time I look at her little face, I still can’t believe we have her here, happy and healthy and safe and unbelievably cute and pretty. She’s like my little dream come true.

Father’s Day 2022

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American Father’s Day is today. Given my own dad is socially inept and awkward, he rarely calls me. I cannot even remember the last time he called me. I’ve stopped calling him directly since it’s always so awkward, and he doesn’t even say hello to me when he answers the phone and realizes it’s me. He’ll usually just say, “Yeah? What do you want?” Does that sound rude? Yes. But to him, that’s just a normal response (but I can only imagine how HE would react if I responded to HIM that way if he were to call). Instead, I’ll send a gift and if it’s running late, I’ll text or email him to let him know, plus a Happy Father’s Day wish.

So I did that today, and he responded right away by saying thanks, and, “Please wish Chris a happy Father’s Day, too.” Interesting. He never messaged to wish me a happy Mother’s Day last month, but he wishes indirectly a happy Father’s Day to his son-in-law? With my dad, everything is always a response, never something he initiates. It always has to be a quid pro quo thing with the other person initiating it, otherwise he will never be the first to do anything. And well, he can’t really wish me a happy mother’s day in response because no one is going to wish him a happy mother’s day.

People always say that you should spend time with your parents now while they’re here because once they’re gone, you’ll have regrets. So occasionally, I wonder if I will have regrets that I did not call to initiate conversation with my dad more often. But when I think about it, I honestly do not believe I will. Who wants to sit in an awkward conversation, especially one that starts as rudely as “What do you want?” The worst part about all this is that my dad never thinks he’s wrong, and my mom always fiercely defends him on the stupidest and most egregious things he’s said and done. I’m grateful that I always had a roof over my head and food on the table to eat, but when it comes to a real, loving, unconditional relationship, that was definitely never there with my dad, and even less so between my dad and his son. It’s partly why Father’s Day as a holiday to me is a pretty meh day.

Changing tables and large bathroom stalls in New York City – a luxury

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In the last few months of being out and about with baby on Saturdays, it’s only become increasingly obvious to me how unfriendly New York City is to babies. Given how much real estate here costs, restaurants and businesses tend to have teeny tiny bathrooms with barely enough space for a toilet and a sink, much less a changing table or adequate facilities to change the diaper of a baby. Almost every weekend, I inevitably have to get ready to change our baby on some filthy floor, using our portable changing pad that I would immediately throw in the wash as soon as I would get home. It’s gross, but it’s all I have to work with. A couple weeks ago, Chris was able to change the baby in the restroom at the newly renovated Penn Station atop a real changing table, which was the very first time she had a changing table to get changed on in New York, at least outside our apartment. And today, while at a newly renovated office/communal dining space in Midtown East, not only was I able to comfortably change her on what looked like a brand new changing table in a brand new bathroom, but I was even able to roll the stroller into a huge bathroom stall so that I could pee and not hold her. It was amazing! The stall was so long and wide that the stroller could fit inside the stall with me, with additional space for me to stretch my legs out and pee in comfort. I couldn’t believe it!

How nice it would be if every public restroom in New York City could be like this, just for the sake of families with young children. But alas, that is an unrealistic expectation in a city and a country that is generally hostile towards young families and babies.

Laying out a cup and a glass for the nanny – when it goes awry

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When we had a night nurse come support us after Kaia’s birth for three months, she didn’t feel comfortable going through our cupboards to get a glass or plate on her own, so we always left a glass and a mug out for her to use for tea, water, or anything she wanted to drink. Because of this precedent, we also did the same thing for all the trial nannies who came, as well as our current full-time nanny. Apparently, this really upset our nanny on her first day, as she shared this with me yesterday.

“I was really upset on my first day when I came to work for you,” the nanny said to me yesterday. “You left out a cup and glass for me on the counter and said I could use those to drink.”

I was super confused and was waiting for the point. “Wait, so what was wrong with that?” I asked. I really had no idea where she was going with this.

“Because I felt like you were telling me that I could only use that cup and glass, and that I wasn’t allowed to use any other cup or plate or spoon,” she responded. “It was as though you were saying I wasn’t good enough to use the other cups or bowls you had. But then, I realized I had too quickly made that assumption because the next day, you laid out a different cup and glass, and I felt bad for jumping to that conclusion so quickly about you!”

I told her that was completely ridiculous, that I had explained to her that I left them out for her convenience. I even reminded her I told her to use whatever plates or utensils she wanted when she brought lunch and to use our microwave as she needed. But she apparently just tuned out when I pointed out that cup and glass on the first day, which was completely on her.

“You have to understand… I’ve been through a lot as an immigrant to this country,” she said to me. “People have not always treated me nicely, so that’s why I’m quick to judge and make assumptions. I know that’s not always fair, but I do it to protect myself.”

She and her husband had comfortable white-collar jobs in Jamaica. Before coming to the U.S., she was an accountant at a small firm in Montego Bay. She dressed up for work and wore heels. She spent money comfortably and lived well. She called herself a “princess” when living in Jamaica; she didn’t know what it was like to suffer or be looked down upon. Then, she came to the U.S., and everything changed for her. Nothing translated. Getting her papers took forever and was expensive and challenging. She realized that she was never going to become an accountant here and had to quickly find a plan B, and that plan B ended up being nanny work.

“All my nanny families have treated me relatively well, but there are many times when I have wondered what they really think about me,” she lamented. “They look down on me. They don’t think I’m smart or am educated. They don’t consider what my life was before I came here. I actually had a good career in Jamaica. Sometimes, my husband and I wonder if immigrating here really was better for our family.”

It’s a common immigrant story – people who are highly educated in their countries of origin, but that education doesn’t translate well in the U.S., and so immigrants work as cab drivers, nail technicians, or nannies. I feel for her a lot. But I also told her… I don’t honestly think I’ve done anything to make her feel lesser than or unappreciated. If anything, I’ve tried to do more to make her feel welcome and comfortable here. It would be nice, especially now that she’s been with us over a month, for her not to assume the worst of us. We’re all just trying our best to be good people and do the right thing.

Fevers gone, but cuddles needed

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Kaia and I both have temperatures that have come down now. We are still monitoring her temperature every two hours to be safe. My temperature is within normal range now, but I still feel hot all the time and sweat like crazy during my first morning pump. This morning, I nearly soaked through my shirt with my own sweat after taking off my pumping bra.

Though Kaia is babbling lots again and happily playing with her toes, she does seem to be a bit more needy. She’s wanted more cuddles from her nanny and from me. She wants more attention even at times when it seems like she’d be fine to roll around on her own. I can tell that she is still unwell, even if her temperature is normal. She’s on the mend, but she hasn’t 100 percent recovered just yet. So we decided to not have her go to the play gym today and to take it easy. The nanny still took her outside to the park for some fresh air, but no crazy baby gymnastics just yet.

We were planning to use this week to transition her from her bassinet into her crib, but it’s on hold now because we needed to monitor her overnight more carefully with her fever, plus I just wasn’t really feeling up to a change given I was feeling ill. No one wants to introduce change into their lives when they’re feeling unwell; that applies to both adults and babies. We struggled to get her to sleep in the crib on her own on Monday night before either of us felt really awful, so we’ll need to wait until we’re both fully healthy again to try again.