Baby Bjorn, take 2

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One of the items I had put on our baby registry when expecting Kaia was a Baby Bjorn bouncer. Based on all the types of baby seats/baby activity centers out there, this seemed to have had the best reviews, and on top of that, it also seemed to last the longest. Based on the description, it is supposed to last until your baby is about 30 lb, which is approximately 2 years of age. So I added it, and lucky me, some good friends were generous enough to get it for us.

Well, by the time she was 8-9 months of age, we had already lessened our use of it. She didn’t like to be sitting in one place for too long, as she far preferred crawling and climbing on everything. I had forgotten that I hadn’t put it on the highest (toddler seat) setting, so when we got back from Australia, her weight was really pushing it to floor level, which didn’t seem good or safe at all. She definitely was not comfortable sitting in it. So Chris decided to post it for sale on Facebook Marketplace.

He told me this morning that someone was coming to buy it from us today. So I went to the Amazon site to review the description one last time, when I saw a photo of a toddler age child sitting on the chair, in a higher position. I realized we hadn’t increased the setting, so I did it after he told me and put Kaia in it. And I realized… weee, this actually looks like it’s fine again! She was giggling a bit as she bounced in it, though at this time, she has a hard time understanding how to get out given the way the seat is positioned. But I insisted to Chris that we keep it for at least one more week to see if she enjoys sitting in it. We already have it, so why rush to get rid of what we already have if the Pookster can still get use out of it? It’s further ROI on our friend’s investment, so why not?

It has been interesting to see her in the bouncer on the toddler seat position because it makes it more obvious and apparent to me how much she has grown in the last year. It was literally around this time last year, at the end of January, when I first took the bouncer out of its box and strapped her in it. She was once so tiny in this bouncer, wondering what the hell kind of contraption she was placed in. And now, she’s sitting in it almost like a tiny adult. The weeks have passed way too quickly with my sweet Pookie Pie.

Farewell, glass coffee table

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When we first moved into this building about 6.5 years ago, we had to buy all the furniture in our old unit for a lump sum to take the apartment, and since we had no attachment to our old furniture, and we also hate shopping for furniture, it seemed like a good idea. One of the items that I really liked that we got was our glass coffee table. It’s a bit asymmetrical. It’s not a design that you see that often. And I’ve always loved glass coffee tables. But once Kaia arrived, it wasn’t really the smartest thing for us to own a glass coffee table anymore, especially once she started crawling and becoming more mobile. Plus, when I was under the age of 4, I smashed my parents’ glass coffee table top with Ed’s bat, so… I know karma has it in for me, and if we were to keep this coffee table, Kaia would remind me how mischievous I was when I was her age. And I’d prefer not to let that moment, in that form, come.

So Chris posted our coffee table on Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace, and a serious buyer came today to pick it up and take it off our hands. I dusted it off and we moved it out from behind the sectional couch to our front entrance. And Chris helped him carry it downstairs into the station wagon he apparently borrowed from a friend. I gave a short little speech to the table, letting it know how much I appreciated it, how I enjoyed it the last 6.5 years we had it, how we got great use out of it. But now, it was time to go. Because now, we had actively made a choice: we were choosing our baby over this glass coffee table, and the decision was made, final, done. Goodbye, glass coffee table. We enjoyed you and got great use out of you the last 6.5 years, and now, you will go off to another person’s home, where hopefully you will be loved and appreciated just as much, if not more. We hope you have a good, long life, and get lots of good use. Goodbye, old friend.

Doing things for oneself

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I think I may end up pumping until the 14-month mark, so about February 10 now. I’m only producing about 30ml/day…ish, but somehow, it still gives me purpose. I was telling a friend of mine today how ridiculous this was. You would think I would feel so free, so liberated, to be near my last pump, but I actually just feel sad. It’s like one of my biggest life’s purposes, to provide sustenance for my baby, is being taken away, and that feels hard and emotional to me. I always thought I’d feel free… but instead, now I feel sad and like I don’t want to let go of it. So for now, the moving target is to pump once a day before bed until February 10. It’s not like I have much else to do before bed anyway, so why not?

But I have done little things for myself since I’ve come back. I’ve already read two books this year, and we’re not even in February yet. I want to start reading more often again, and not just long-form articles from The New Yorker like in the second half of last year. I want to read books, fiction and non fiction. I’ve lit candles to enjoy. I’m masking more frequently, and I got new clay masks as a way to treat myself (even though my husband just mocks me and calls me “big spender”….). I want to start cooking “project” dishes again. I’ve also been doing slightly longer workouts at the gym and focusing on stretching and strengthening again. And it feels good. I hope to get back into yoga again and toning my core, as in the last year, I mostly focused on cardio. It’s important to remember what makes you “you” outside of being a parent… because that can easily take over your life if you allow it to. Being a parent is important, but it’s not everything.

Back to taro and turnip cakes for Lunar New Year

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Last year, I took a hiatus from making traditional savory Chinese New Year cakes. I had made taro cake year after year, and in recent years, started experimenting with the turnip cake since it’s a bit lighter and adds more variety. Last year, I was just too tired, with Kaia being a newborn, my own postpartum recovery, plus my insane pumping schedule. This year at this time, I’m pumping just once a day before bed, and I have a lot more “balance,” so I figured it would be a good time to start making these laborious cakes again. We went to Chinatown to pick up ingredients earlier this week, and I finished making these cakes on Friday afternoon. When I finished steaming them, I felt so accomplished, like I had done my grandma’s memory good, and I would also be exposing our daughter to our family traditions, to bits of her culture. No, she doesn’t get the full Lunar New Year experience as she would if my family actually were together and actually celebrated it, since they don’t and have not since my grandma passed away when I was 9. Plus, with my mom and aunt as Jehovah’s Witnesses, they’re not supposed to “believe in” Lunar New Year anymore. She did try both cakes and seemed to enjoy both, but seemed to initially prefer the turnip version. Watching her eat these foods of my childhood really made me happy. I hope she embraces these, plus other Lunar New Year foods, as much as I do today. Maybe, just maybe when she’s a little older, she can even help make them with me as a family activity around Lunar New Year.

Kaia, the typical toddler

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Kaia, since last month, has started exhibiting typical toddler behavior. Sooner than I had hoped, she has already started developing preferences for food, primarily carbs, carbs, more carbs, meat, and fruit. My sweet baby, from age 6 to 11.5 months, loved her greens and always enjoyed teething on the long, thick stalks of yu choy and gai lan Asian greens. Now, she will eat a few bites of them at most and then “sweep” them aside. Each day is a little different though: some days, she eats all her tiny spinach piles and will eat more that is offered. Other days, she will take half a bite and then want nothing more to do with any vegetable. No one in their right mind could possibly tell me that this sudden preference is due to a lack of exposure before this: I was super intentional about always making sure she had at least one green, plus another vegetable, at every single meal, even at breakfast. So now, this new struggle we are encountering is really unnerving me. She will make it seem like she is teething or just overly tired, yet magically, once a noodle or clump of rice is seen, she will be fully consumed by it and eat endless amounts of whatever that carb is once it’s presented.

I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not a single meal and not a single day that defines how “well rounded” her eating is; it’s a week, a month, a quarter. Our nanny has obviously noticed these preferences since we’ve come back from Australia, and she told me that it was inevitable; she was just hoping it would have been later than now for Kaia specifically since she’s been exposed to such a large variety of foods.

“It’s okay, Yvonne,” the nanny said to me yesterday. “Even though you may think Kaia isn’t eating much or enough variety, she’s still eating more and eating more variety than 99 percent of all other kids out there. She really is. I’m not just saying it.”

What she is saying may be true. But I still want the best for Pookster, and rejecting veggies is not what I want for her. I can’t help but want to combat the preferences and keep pushing her vegetable and non-carb exposure as much as possible. I refuse to just serve her beige foods. I will NOT become THAT mom. I will keep pushing with the greens and at least having her see them on her plate or tray.

Baby’s first visit to the dentist

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“Experts” recommend that babies see a dentist as soon as their first tooth comes out, or by their first birthday — whichever one comes first. Kaia had a number of teeth come in during November and December, and we had her first dentist appointment today. Chris and our nanny took her, and… as predicted, she cried. While she is happy to watch me brush my teeth and tries to eat my toothbrush, she refuses to have her own teeth brushed. She needs to have her arms and legs restrained and a finger stuck in her mouth in order to have any teeth brushed at all.

The dentist sent Kaia home with a goody bag filled with a little baby toothbrush, baby toothpaste, and a few toys. And Chris said they showed a video at the office showing the best way to “restrain” baby in order to brush the teeth. It still looks like absolute torture to me, but anything to keep Kaia’s dental health on track will be good for her, even if she hates it in the short term. The dentist also suggested using a very thin layer of toothpaste, contrary to what I thought before. A little swallowing at this stage is not supposed to be too much of a worry.

Most kids probably never see a dentist before the age of 4 or 5. I think the first time I ever went was at age 5, and I had three cavities (since I refused toothpaste for that long… very, very bad). We’re sending our kid at age 1. We hope we’re getting our dental insurance premium’s worth out of these visits.

1 pump per day

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So the other day, given how much my milk supply had been dwindling, I told myself that I’d officially stop pumping at the 13.5 month mark, which is January 24. But then I started looking at the calendar, and I realized how soon that was, and I honestly don’t think that I was mentally ready to fully wean. It made me feel so sad and conflicted: on the one hand, I’d be completely liberated from my breast pump finally after 13.5 months. I could have full ownership of my body again. I could drink whatever I wanted and use whatever BHA or retinol skin care product again! But then I thought back to the beginning of my journey, which was miserable by anyone’s definition. The first three months were a total struggle both mentally and physically. I hated every single thing about pumping, and I especially hated that it took me physically away from my baby. But then I got used to it and into a routine of cleaning, putting the parts away, putting them all back together again, getting set up. I knew what pump settings worked best for my body. I was increasing my supply. But the one thing keeping me going was knowing my baby was getting the best nutrition for her straight from my body. The months went on. I was mentally at ease and peace with all of this. I had let go of the fact that nursing didn’t work out for us, and that my baby was just never going to develop a strong enough suck. And now, when you’d think I’d be so excited to throw the towel in and wean 100 percent, I am not getting any satisfaction from approaching the date I arbitrarily set. So maybe I’ll go until Feb 10, so we can officially be at a rounder time — 14 months. If I were just producing drops, it may make the most sense to stop, but I’m still doing an ounce or so a day. It’s not the best, but it’s not the absolute worst. It’s winter, and my one pump per day is right before bed, so what am I missing out on, anyway?

See how dysfunctional this thought process is? I should be happy to wean, but I am not. I should be happy to be free of pumping, of an electric nipple sucker, but instead, I am still holding onto this and trying to keep my baby getting some bits of breast milk for as long as possible. In some way, it’s like pumping has given me yet another life purpose: to provide sustenance and feed my baby, if now just a small amount… it’s still not nothing.

Mental energy exertion during in-person meetings

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For the next two days, I’ll be onsite with customers for multiple-hours long meetings. Today, I was onsite with a customer for 2.5 hours, and I felt completely, mentally drained after that. First, I was already feeling out of practice with getting ready for the meeting in the superficial sense- deciding what to wear, how to style my hair, etc. Then, while onsite, I realized, in real time, how much more exhausting it is to be in person in real life with customer meetings than to be on the same meeting via a Zoom call. There is something about being in person that feels so exhausting and draining now that it makes me wonder if going back to a regular cadence of in-person meetings is even feasible or enjoyable for me at this point in time. With the world opening up more and companies looking at the current time as an “endemic” rather than a “pandemic,” more in-person meetings will be expected. And well, it’s part of my actual job description — to meet customers and build relationships. But with three years working from home and having very limited in-person customer contact, I feel a bit out of it. It was fun in some ways to be onsite again and have that type of interaction, as having in-person interactions is obviously a lot more real and stimulating, but I can’t help but admit it was just tiring. I passed out pretty quickly this evening and will likely do the same after tomorrow’s all-afternoon long meeting, as well.

This is 37

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Every day, we are getting older. Every hour, every minute, every second, we are all getting older. Certainly no one is getting any younger. As Kaia gets older, everyone observes and comments in wonderment, seeing her do things like crawl to walk to run, like holding a ball to actually throwing and catching it. With people of my age, though, in terms of “development,” people just wonder… how old is she against how old she “looks”? Is she getting grey hairs or wrinkles on her face, neck, and other parts of her body? Has she achieved the society-imposed “life milestones” like getting married, having kids, buying a house yet, etc.? “Development” means different things at different stages of life, and the world can sometimes feel like a stage where everyone is watching, waiting to give their opinion about you.

Well, last month, for the first time, I actually noticed wrinkles around my eyes in a photo that was taken of me. I paused for a second when I looked at it and then zoomed in at the corners of my eyes. Are these the beginning of crow’s feet? I thought to myself. Well, crow’s feet manifest a little differently on Asian skin vs. White skin, so I guess this was my version. I’m 37 and noticing these types of wrinkles for the very first time. I’m definitely getting older and approaching middle age. In a lot of ways, I feel very young, almost child like at times when I think about things I like and admire and things I care about. Other times, I feel completely jaded by the experiences I’ve had. I’ve never really quite felt like “my age” if that makes any sense. But now that I’m officially in my late-30s, I feel like at heart, I’m much younger than my numerical age. I’m unsure if that’s a good or bad thing.

Having a child to care for has definitely changed my perspective on life, no doubt. I think it’s made me a better person, someone more cognizant of the challenges that parents and caregivers face every single day without always thinking about it. It’s given me more empathy not just for other parents and caregivers, but for babies and growing toddlers themselves.

I’m not sure what my actual “age” should be if I had to decide what I “felt” like, but I do know one thing for sure: I am grateful for the days I have lived and the experiences I have had, both the good and the bad, because unfortunately, not everyone has been as lucky as I have been to have lived 37+ years on this earth. Ed wasn’t that fortunate. Our friend Raj wasn’t that lucky. And many others will never know what it’s like to be 37. So I celebrate today and am happy for what I have and what hopefully will be. Happy 37th birthday to me.

A day spent in Chinatown, post pandemic

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We had the day off today since it was MLK’s birthday, so we spent the afternoon in Chinatown. I wanted to buy some groceries to make some things for Lunar New Year coming up, and we also had a late lunch down there, as well. On our way home, I stopped by one of my favorite bakeries and was surprised to see that they had taken down all of their COVID coverings. Their workers were no longer wearing masks, and I could actually clearly see all of their baked goods once again. I honestly could not remember the last time I was in there before the pandemic, but I almost did a double take around the bakery: it didn’t look or feel like the same bakery to me anymore. It almost felt new and improved even though it was the exact same space! It felt more open, brighter, and like it was more approachable than before, especially if you were unfamiliar with Chinese baked goods before entering. It would be a lot less intimidating, and you could look to see what you wanted and take your time deciding instead of needing to know ahead of time before entering. During the pandemic, it always felt so rushed. Because there was such limited standing space, you really had to come in and out quickly to allow for others to come in and buy their baked goods.

It feels nice to see things more open and seemingly “normal” down there again. I was really worried about a lot of the businesses in Chinatown, especially given all the “China virus” racist nonsense that idiots were spewing. I hope this will make the shops of Chinatown seem more welcoming to those who may be unfamiliar with all their deliciousness once again.