Diminished

Today marks the 70th anniversary of the world’s first atomic bomb being dropped on Hiroshima, Japan. On the sixth of August every year, people in Hiroshima gather at the Peace Memorial Park to mourn those who died as a result of “Little Boy.” Most of the major news publications posted articles with coverage from Hiroshima, as well as reminders of what actually happened. I was listening to a BBC podcast discussing those who were comparing coverage of the Hiroshima bombing around that very time seventy years ago, and they noted how the U.S. government refused to show photo or video coverage of the actual victims who affected and/or died during the bombing; they would only show remains of buildings, as though the bombing killed no one. It removed all humanness from the bombing, and none of the photos or details of the effects of the people were released until the 1980s in the U.S. As someone who has had the privilege to visit Hiroshima recently and actually visit the museum that has extremely detailed photos and documentation from the bombing, I felt so angry being reminded of this.

The BBC News podcast I listened to also mentioned a survivor of the bombing who has traveled to the U.S. to speak out about the atrocity and continued effects on the few remaining survivors to this day. She is now in her late 80s, but she says she feels compelled to continue speaking about the event publicly so that people remain aware… because if she doesn’t do it, who else will?

Oddly, it made me think about my American Prevention for Suicide Prevention donor drive that I am doing for the second time this year in honor of Ed. Last year, I was so overwhelmed in the beginning with the outpouring of support I received, even from those I didn’t even think would care, in the form of words and extremely generous donations. This year, I sent out an email with my story to those who had already donated last year, as well as a subset of my colleagues. The donations have been slow to trickle in, which made me feel disappointed. Is it because I already did this last year, and so therefore it’s not as touching or “new” to people? Are they going to get tired thinking, is she really going to do this every year, and does she really expect us to donate every single year?

Cynically, then I thought, it’s like the way Ed’s passing was handled. In the beginning, everyone seemed, at least superficially, concerned and like they wanted to be supportive. But as time went on, the care and the compassion little by little started to diminish. It’s back to the regular ways of life. Forget that ever happened! Back to normal! Well, perhaps back to normal for you, but it will never be back to “normal” for me. It’s grabbed everyone’s attention in the beginning, but we live in a society of short attention spans. Everyone cares… for just a little bit. And then, they either slow it down or just stop completely. But why can’t more of us have the attitude of that 80-something-year-old atom bomb survivor in Hiroshima? She works and continues doing what she does because she wants people to be aware. She doesn’t want the awareness to die. So what’s wrong with the rest of us? It’s just too much work, or too hard, right, or so the excuses go?

These are the moments I lose faith in society and those people around me, even the ones who say they love me and care about me. If you care about me, you care about the causes I care about — maybe not as deeply, but at least the core goal of them and what they are trying to achieve. If you don’t, then what are you trying to do and achieve in your life that is so much more important or better?

Another Aussie

Tonight, Chris and I had dinner with his boss, who also happens to be Australian from Perth. They had been trying to arrange a get-together with their life partners for about a year and a half now, and that’s how long it takes people to arrange dinners today in this lovely metropolis we call New York City. The wait was worth it in the end, as it included a great dining experience with two bottles of wine at Laduree, endless revealings of Chris’s not so “polite and lovely” qualities, and discussions of Australians, Americans, politics, and travel.

It’s weird how when I meet most people that Chris likes, I always tend to like them. With his boss, it was like an immediate affection was developed. The way he delivered his speech, his general aura, and even his soft gaze on you as he speaks was so warming, kind of like his best friend in Melbourne. It almost felt like the same guy, except not.

I rarely meet people and like them right away. It just doesn’t happen that often, but it does happen with most of Chris’s friends. Even Aziz Ansari, in his latest book, says that when going on dates with new people, you generally can’t really make a solid judgment about whether you really like them until at least the sixth or eighth meeting.

How do you meet people that you like instantly? Does that possibility just decline as you get older, or do you just need a filter like a good life partner to help you find these people?

“That’s in India, right?”

Today, I had a chat with one of my colleagues, who joined our company about seven months ago. We are remodeling the space on the twenty-second floor of our building to accommodate additional work space and employees, and so all the employees who used to sit on that floor, primarily on the tech and product team, have been displaced. Some are working from home, while others are scattered all over the twenty-third floor with the rest of us.

It’s funny how we are at work; if we aren’t sitting directly with people, we probably don’t talk to them much at all unless we have work-related things to talk about. Things get busy with all of us during the work day. With this colleague, we got along very well every time we spoke, but given we’ve always been on different floors and did very different work functions, we didn’t have much opportunity to talk. We talked about how she was born in India, raised in Oman because of her parents’ jobs, went to school in Canada, got naturalized and became a citizen there, and is now in New York. It was funny how she told me the first part, though. She said that she was raised in the Middle East, which is where her parents still are. That’s funny, I thought. How come she didn’t tell me which country she was raised in? So I asked her which country, and she said Oman. And I said, oh, I know where that is. She laughed and said pretty much no one she talked to knew where or even what Oman was. A lot of people asked her if Oman was a city in India. She said it was so exhausting that she decided to just tell people she was raised in the Middle East and leave it at that.

Stupid Americans.

Bird’s nest

A year or two ago, outside the window in our living room, we constantly had birds hanging around the window sill. We’d wake up in the morning and hear them cooing, we’d be there in the afternoon and they’d be sitting there — they were constantly there. Of course, Chris couldn’t stand it, so whenever he heard them, he’d shoo them away and start banging on the window. What can I say? He likes to mark his territory, especially since he pays rent for this apartment and they do not.

Eventually, the birds went away, but I always thought that there must be a nest underneath the window, otherwise why else would they constantly be there? Well tonight, our super came to uninstall and remove the broken AC unit to discover that on the backside of the unit, in the little nook were the remains of what clearly was a bird’s nest, and it even had half a broken egg in it. It was one of the saddest sights I’d seen. What I’d guessed about the nest was true, except it was even closer to us than I’d actually imagined — it was just on the other side of the AC unit!

This is what it takes to survive in New York City as a bird: you have to hide in someone’s air conditioning unit to be safe.

Death of an air conditioner

The air conditioner in our living room died today. The odd thing was that I didn’t even realize it — Chris did. He notified our super about this, who will look into this tomorrow, but as I realized that the air was not cool while preparing dinner this afternoon, I thought about the couple of years I lived in that third floor Elmhurst apartment and didn’t have an AC until my landlord gave me the one his former tenant left behind. I can’t even believe I somehow managed to sleep with just a fan blowing on me for two summers.

I guess that’s what you do when you are young, don’t think you make that much money, and are cheap: you think you can “tough” it out without “luxuries” like air conditioners, and you deal with crappy fans and somehow think you are better for it. You’ll save money by not buying an air conditioner! Your electricity bill won’t go up! You don’t need all that, right? In retrospect, I regret being so cheap and pathetic. I never had a low income while living in New York. I was always able to live comfortably and do what I wanted. I could have been more comfortable all those summer nights and not have woken up dripping in my own sweat, feeling like I was sleeping in an oven.

Life is short. You should live comfortably and at least allow yourself a comfortable night’s sleep. It’s the least you owe yourself.

67

I can’t believe it. Today is my dad’s 67th birthday. I don’t know about you, but 67 sounds kind of old. When I’m around my dad, he doesn’t seem 67 to me; he seems much younger. His voice is still as strong as it’s always been. His grip is like a 20-something-year-old’s. He has a lot of childlike qualities, for better or for worse. His hobbies include model railroad and caring for tropical fish. He has boxes and boxes of unopened model railroad parts all over the basement, and two large tanks of tropical fish that he’s still adding to. He can spend hours tinkering with all of these things. Maybe it might seem like a 67-year-old’s hobby to some, but when I watch my dad taking care of these things, he doesn’t seem that old at all. He seems like a little kid in a big person’s body, wondering how he got to be this age and this old. Where did most of his hair go, and how did he get those wrinkles on his face? How did he get married and raise two children with his wife, and have to go through the untimely death of his first born?

It’s hard to watch our parents grow old because we know that inevitably, they will not live forever and will die like the rest of us. Each birthday of my dad’s that passes now, as awful as it sounds, the first thing I think about is that it’s another birthday that my brother never lived to see, whether he wanted to see it or not.

To more and more of my dad’s birthdays that Ed will not see.

Post traumatic growth

The other day, I read an article in the Huffington Post about “post traumatic growth.” It’s exactly what it sounds like: in the face of extreme tragedy or trauma, individuals grieve and get through this period, emerging stronger, more resilient, sometimes in very dramatic and visible ways. I thought about myself dealing with Ed’s death and how my perspective on a lot of aspects of life have changed. Sometimes that “change” is not always so visible to outsiders, but it’s visible to those who know us deeply and really listen to the things we have to say.

I was saddened to hear of the passing of a former colleague’s younger brother via Facebook (because this is how we hear about not just engagements, marriages, and births, but also deaths now). She left my company in the beginning of the year, and we always got along and had decent small talk. They had recently taken a trip together and hiked gorgeous areas of Hawaii, and he suddenly passed away late last week. He was just two days shy of turning 24. Because I know how isolating and awful it can be to face this type of tragedy, I knew I wanted to say something to her, if even just a few words. She was aware of the loss I experienced with my own brother, and of course, I didn’t want to make my outreach about myself and my own pain. So I sent her a private message and let her know that I read her obituary post for her brother and was sending my condolences. Losing a sibling, especially one who is not at a “normal” older age to pass, is probably one of the worst and most devastating losses one can experience. Siblings share a bond that is unique, and so the feeling of loss is unique, I told her. She responded right away and said she appreciated my words. She just needed to get through this time and have hope.

I wavered between sending this article to her or not, as I didn’t want to come across as presumptuous or like I was some know-it-all when it comes to loss, but decided to preface it with a “trigger warning” and say that perhaps this was not the right time to read this, but maybe she could read this article later when she had more time to digest and grieve. At the end of the day, she read it and reached back out to me. She said she was really happy I sent this article, and that this article actually gave her increased hope for the future.

It’s hard to know how to respond to other people’s loss and grieving when it happens. It’s difficult even when I’ve experienced it myself because everyone reacts so differently to death, as well as to how other people respond to them, whether they are very close or very distant. But as I’ve always thought, reaching out to say a little is better than doing absolutely nothing at all.

The mind of a 29-year-old man

Tonight, I sat at a bar overlooking this little island of Manhattan, having drinks with a friend and his friend, who is a former colleague of mine. I listened patiently as my former colleague discussed the perils of being on the verge of turning 30, in a relationship that’s barely gone on for a year, yet his girlfriend is asking him questions about their “future” together, which she foresees as having marriage, two children, and a house in the suburbs.

“Life was so simple in my early to mid-twenties,” he lamented. “I could just party, have fun with girls, no commitment, no nothing. Now, I get questions on the future, ‘are you the one?’ Life is so complicated now.”

What is this, the common late twenties/early thirties whining of every male in the city of New York? You have a romantic relationship, a job, a place in life, and it’s not enough for you, and you don’t know if you have fully “maximized” and are unsure if what you have is “good enough?” This is why I could never be with a guy who was my age. The talking of “check boxes” that women must meet to be “the one” seems to be a reoccurring theme in discussions I’ve had on dating and marriage with guys around my age. I really don’t think that looking at relationships like a job spec sheet benefits anyone.

Changing nappies

Tonight, I went to visit my colleague, who just gave birth to her first son two weeks ago. While sitting there with her, her newborn, and her friend, I watched from the corner of my eye as her husband went around the apartment, tidying up one thing, washing grapes and preparing refreshments for us. When it was time to change the baby’s diaper, he quickly picked the baby up and said he’d take care of it while my colleague sat and socialized with us. “We tag team!” my colleague said, when her friend made a comment about how they split up baby and house responsibilities post giving birth. Before having the baby, she told us, she’d never changed a single diaper in her entire life. Neither had he. But they both learned, sucked it up, and they deal with it together.

It’s funny timing that I observed this today because I just read an article that Chris’s friend posted on Facebook earlier this morning about “Five Reasons I’m Not Lucky to Have My Husband.” Her point is not so much that she’s not lucky to have him. They have a great bond, they love each other and the family they’ve created. He is good to her, and she is good to him. These are “lucky” things to have. But she is more speaking to the fact that she gets so many comments about how “lucky” she is that her husband is willing to do things like change nappies, rock the baby to sleep, and give her free time outside of the house, away from the baby, so she can recharge. Why are these “lucky” things? she asks. This is the egalitarian way in the current era we live in. This is the way it “should” be in a partnership and a marriage. Why do the men get so much credit for doing seemingly normal parenting tasks when women do not?
I’ll be honest. When I observed my colleague’s husband today, I thought in my head, wow, she’s so lucky to have him! I felt a little bad for thinking it. But I can’t help that thought because even in today’s day and age, working women are known to still do more house work and child-rearing than men. Whether it’s self-chosen or not, it’s still a fact. But it’s comforting to know that my colleague and her husband are a couple that will be part of the change I’d like to see.

Black shirt

Last night, I dreamt that I was back home in San Francisco, sitting on my bed facing my parents’ room. I looked to my right, and there was Ed, kneeling beside his bed with his hands touching each other as though in prayer. He was wearing a black crew-neck, long-sleeved shirt. I can’t remember a time when I’ve dreamt of anyone and the color of their clothing stood out so much. He eventually looked up at me, and I said hi to him. And he said, “It’s time to leave,” as we locked eyes. Puzzled, I responded, “Leaving? Where are you going?” He looks at me solemnly. “It’s time to leave. I’m leaving,” he repeats again.

“I know that, but where are you going?” I plead with him. “Where are you going? Tell me where you are going?!” He doesn’t respond. He just stares at me and says nothing. And I know in the back of my mind that he is trying to tell me that it’s time to go to the bridge. It’s time to end his life. It’s time to leave this world and me and everything else and live in the house of the Lord forever.

I hate dreams like this. They are upsetting, and they only remind me, as though I really needed a reminder, that he’s gone, and that he died by jumping off a bridge.

They are also upsetting because I already never see him in this life, and when I see him in dreams, it’s as though he appears and then needs to leave me yet again, and again, and again.