When their happiness is in your hands (supposedly)

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In the last couple of months, my mom has been doing far more than just hinting that she wants me to get pregnant. She has out right asked me “What are you waiting for?” “When are you finally going to have a baby?” “When will you get pregnant?” “Where is your big belly?” and many variations of the above. She’s even had her friends ask me when she sees me. Whether that was deliberately planned or not doesn’t really matter, but it is clear that it’s a topic she discusses with them — you know, my fertility and baby making abilities. All that is, as you can guess, totally all of their business.

When my mom is in ultra guilt mode, she loves to say that all she looks forward to in life and lives for is to see grandchildren, that once she sees them that only then, she can peacefully leave this world and be okay. Before the wedding, it used to be that all she looked forward to was seeing me get married. Now that we’ve already passed that 3.5 years ago, she’s checked that off her list and moved on to the next major milestone she wants me to hit for her.

It’s frustrating to constantly be bombarded with these questions all the time. I get them from Chris’s mom, too, but it’s far more subtle. Either way, it’s annoying. Isn’t that news for me to share with them rather than vice versa? With my mom, I wish she lived a happier and more fulfilling life than she does because if she did, she wouldn’t be waiting around every day to hear news about some upcoming grandchild. Rather, if and when that happened, it would be like an added bonus in life as opposed to her end-all, be-all. She could live a happier and more fulfilling life if she wanted, but she just chooses not to. It’s almost like she’s in a prison of her own mind.

40th

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Today, Ed would have turned 40. It’s crazy to think that over six years have passed since he died, and each year around the time of his death anniversary and birthday, I can feel pain in my body when I think about how he’s gone.

At the same time, I also get pretty angry at our parents and how little they did to help and encourage him. It tends to manifest itself in a series of dreams, usually where I am screaming, yelling, kicking, and hitting one or both of them. This past week, I had two dreams, one night after the other, in which I am screaming at my mom and threatening to never see her again. I just don’t want to deal with her constant drama, negativity, and hatred anymore. I’m sick of her constantly victimizing herself, blaming others around her for her pain and suffering. I am fed up with her lack of ownership over her own life. I cannot deal with her laziness in getting things done around the house that would make her life easier. She constantly complains that she needs my dad’s help for “everything, even “just to take a bath.” A couple of solutions that I’ve suggested which have gotten shot down: change the faucet head so that it can switch between being a hand-held shower nozzle and a regular faucet. What prevents this? Cheapness to pay for a new nozzle and to get the plumbing adjusted, in addition to sheer laziness. What about how to reach awkward spots of her back? Use the extra-long shower brush I got for her that she refuses to use. Wow, what solutions! And even more amazing, what complete rejections of said solutions that would solve the problems being presented!

On my dad’s side, there’s just the complete lack of recognition of the fact that he ever had a son. He never recognized Ed’s birthday or even his mere presence in a room before Ed died. Occasionally now, he will say they should visit Ed’s niche. I’m always tempted to say, “well, why do you acknowledge Ed now that he’s dead, but you never wanted to acknowledge Ed when he was actually alive and right in front of you?” He continues to act like a child, think like a child, behave like a child. It’s amazing that once a man has a regular steady job, gets married and has children, all those checkboxes become a semblance of a “mature functioning adult” when they actually are not in reality.

My parents could have a much better life for themselves if they just made things happened. But they don’t. Their inaction angers and frustrates me, but there’s nothing I can really do for them to help. As awful as it sounds, it’s probably a good thing Ed isn’t here to witness this and endure their constant verbal abuse and contempt.

This is life today without Ed. He’s not missing out on much with this family.

Anti Sexual Harassment training

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So, this is the message we all received here in the New York City office this past week:

“New York State Law requires that employers of one or more employees must conduct anti-sexual harassment training for all employees. Completion of this training is MANDATORY for our company to be in compliance with New York law. Starting today, you can complete the online 45-minute training. Please complete by September 30th, 2019, training link sent in an email. Thank you! – People Operations Team”

In theory, there’s nothing wrong with anti sexual harassment training. It’s creating an online training that shows with words, images, and sound what sexual harassment is and explains why it is not acceptable. What bothers me, though, about practices like this that “woke” tech companies want to require their employees to do is that in the event of sexual harassment, everything they teach you during these trainings doesn’t really apply. Here’s a case in point: this training, which I completed, says that you do not need to have written or video proof to file a sexual harassment claim. Now, while that is true, what *is* your proof — your words against your accuser? The less documented proof you have, the weaker your case is, and therefore, your company isn’t going to take it as seriously. And even the more subtle it is, the more “grey area” there is, and therefore, the accuser is always going to be in the weaker position. That’s why most sexual assault victims or victims of discrimination never come out: they will not only be unlikely to win, but they will also suffer as a result of their coming out and continue to suffer retaliation… even when companies claim that it’s illegal. Google is a respected household name when it comes to tech companies, but it hasn’t prevented them from their own discrimination and retaliation cases, has it?

Even in an age of #MeToo, sexual assault perpetrators like Brett Kavanaugh get confirmed to the highest court of the land and get away with their acts of violence and hate, whereas accusers who are so brave in dealing with getting endless death threats and not being able to leave their own home like Christine Blasey Ford are shamed and looked down upon. So all of this is why I think these anti harassment trainings are just done merely to check off a box as opposed to effect any real, tangible change in any of the companies we work in. It’s all just a facade that we’re trying to do the right thing, but we’re really not.

Old colleague meetup

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Yesterday, I met a colleague from my last company for a tea break. We hadn’t seen each other since I left the company, which by now, was over two years ago. I think we had made several attempts, but she had to cancel on me last minute a number of times. And when that happens after a certain number of times, I kind of stop trying. But then, she’s been really kind and generous and has donated to my AFSP fundraising drive for all these years, even with nearly zero communication with me, so I figured I would try to make it finally work. And we finally did.

She’s still at that company, despite how dysfunctional it is. She’s in a smooth-sailing mode, and I certainly know what that is like. Two rounds of predictable layoffs have happened since I left the company, and they’ve gone through a lot of rebranding/re-visioning work. Many of the delusional people I knew while there are still working there, still believing that they work for a real tech company, which is really amazing to me. When I look back on how much I learned about software as a service since coming to my current company, I realized, slowly but surely, exactly how terrible it was at the last place.

It was an awful place to work, but at the end of the day, it was a stepping stone to get where I am now. I don’t really have any regrets about them. Where I am now is in no way perfect, but it’s closer to being “normal” than the other place ever could have even attempted to be. There are so many horrendous places to work out there that are far behind the times, even in 2019 today, that after we parted ways yesterday afternoon, I felt incredibly lucky to be so far away from that place and where I am today.

DiFara’s closes due to tax evasion, then dumb people try to help them pay their tax bill

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I was shocked yesterday when I read an Eater article that revealed the beloved pizza joint DiFara’s in Brooklyn had forcibly closed due to tax evasion. They owed New York State in excess of $160,000 in unpaid tax bills, and as such, could no longer operate until they would pay off their debts. I guess this doesn’t surprise me given that the business is cash-only (the biggest red flag that they likely under report taxes for obvious reasons), but it was shocking nonetheless given how popular they’ve been for longer than I’ve even been living here.

But what actually disgusted me was that someone actually started a Go Fund Me account to HELP them pay their tax bill. I just couldn’t believe how stupid people could be. So, let’s get this straight: we all have to pay taxes assuming we are American, live in the U.S. and work, and/or earn over what is considered the poverty line. Why should regular everyday people volunteer to pay the tax bill of what is obviously an extremely successful (and clearly shady) pizza business, just because it is so revered? Is that pizza that important to you that you would help them pay their taxes? You are effectively supporting them in their tax evasion effort and saying that just because their pizza is good, that you will be okay with paying them even more money that they should actually be paying themselves given what they have earned. And if you have money to spare, why don’t you actually give it to nonprofits who support individuals genuinely in need?!

Well, I would love it if someone offered to pay my tax bill…

As of yesterday, they have reopened after negotiating a payment schedule to the state of New York. Well, then. I guess their pizza will not be gone forever after all.

Mass exodus once again

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Two people from our customer success team have announced their departure from the organization this month. In addition, three others have changed teams. Another had departed a few months ago. So all these departures, whether from the team or the organization, leave our executive team wondering why our attrition, specific to this team, is so high. Many changes have come about in the last 8+ months that have angered or disappointed a number of us, so it’s not surprising to me that this has happened.

What is always sad is when we bring up challenges that we alone cannot resolve and suggest solutions that get rejected. When I say “rejected,” I mean that not only are the challenges we bring up being called “complaining,” but the solutions are also told that they will not even be considered or work. Nothing is done to resolve problems. And then, leadership wonders why employees leave and are puzzled?

There are a lot of perks to being in an individual contributor role once again. I don’t have to deal head-on with these problems, and in many ways, it’s kind of a relief to me.

What constitutes a “liquid” on a flight?

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When traveling back from Newfoundland and Labrador on Sunday, we had only carry-on bags, but my backpack, which was holding my beloved Newfoundland Salt Company sea salt, was flagged. The security agents took the salt jar out of my bag to check the weight of it. At 150 grams, it was under the 350-gram limit for salt to carry on during a Canadian flight. I had no idea that “salt” even had its own category!

According to the CATSA (Canadian Air Transport Security Authority) website: “Salt: Certain powders and granular materials in your carry-on are limited to a total quantity of 350 ml or less (roughly the size of a soda can).” So, it’s not being categorized as a liquid, but actually has its own category under “powders and granular materials”? I didn’t realize this was an issue when flying in Canada, but now I know. I checked the TSA website, and salt does not appear to get flagged.

Then, while researching travel to Brussels this November, I found out that the airports there actually consider chocolate a liquid if they are pralines or truffles that may have fillings that are soft or become liquid after reaching a certain temperature. As such, a number of disgruntled travelers were forced to check their bags full of their Belgian chocolates when leaving Belgium. I definitely would have been confused and not understood right away if I were told this. This is almost as befuddling as the salt incident from this past weekend.

I guess I will need to pack a bag that will be good to get checked because I’m definitely planning on bringing back chocolate from this trip!

The crappy education of American schools

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Since I was young, I was always an avid reader. It took me a while to read “classics,” but I eventually got there. Two of the books that I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t read until the last month, which were always on my reading list, are Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mocking Bird and Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. They are both novels that touch upon the 20th century oppression of black people, and what is the worst part about reading both of these books in the year 2019 is that… not much has changed in the way that black people are oppressed today. It is simply masked in another way, whether it is the inordinate incarceration of black Americans, or the unarmed killing of black people by the police, the supposed protectors of our society.

Both of these books are oftentimes on reading lists for children in high schools across America. While reading up about both books after finishing each, I was disgusted to learn that both are still on a number of “banned books” list from American schools even today. To Kill a Mocking Bird is banned due to its “use of foul language,” because the N-word is used extremely often. Then, with I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, this book has many warnings due to its very graphic depiction of Angelou’s own rape experience.

I have a lot of grievances with this entire attitude. The reason the N-word is used a lot in the first book is due to the fact that during that time, that was a word that was oftentimes used by white people to condescend and condemn black people. It is fitting for the time and era during which it was written. Therefore, it is only fitting to be true to that time and use that type of language. It is not a flagrant way of being disrespectful today, but rather a method to capture the time and hostility felt then. Context is everything. With the second book, the rape scene is depicted to show the level of personal atrocity that Angelou faced while a young child. How can you possibly expect young people to grow, mature, and learn from the past if we are constantly shielding them from all the brutality and the harsh history of our world? You cannot sugar coat slavery or segregation. You cannot make rape seem like it’s some quick event that just happens, passes, and is done. That is not reality. There is a lack of desire and even a resistance to be rooted in reality and face the painful facts and history of this country, and it has persisted for far too long.

News via podcasts and e-mail summaries

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I was thinking about my car rides back home in San Francisco last month and how depressing it was listening to whatever AM radio station my parents always have on. It’s a local AM radio station in San Francisco that basically reports everything depressing and local: the latest car jacking, the innocent college student who got held at gun point in the middle of the Inner Sunset, a girl who got kidnapped and was found murdered in a random ditch. It’s no wonder my parents go through life always assuming the worst is going to happen and fearing everything and everyone they meet; the limited amount of media they consume makes them anxious to live their lives fully because they are just crippled by fear and hate.

I read a decent amount of news nearly every day. On the weekdays, I start my morning commute with theSkimm and the Morning Brew, and anything I want to learn more about, I dig into later in the day. It’s a bit exhausting to read the news every day, especially since yes, a lot of it can be extremely depressing and blood-pressure spiking. I don’t read all of it because I enjoy it (ahem to the current moron in the White House), but rather because I want to make sure I can at least slightly stay informed. Then I started finding out about ways to listen to the news, kind of like my parents, except actually informative and useful news, via daily news podcasts that give you a brief but well rounded summary of current events, such as theSkimm’s own podcast and NPR’s Up First. I don’t completely love how theSkimm is written because their daily email summaries sometimes can dumb down the news and seem like it’s targeted towards airheads, but I do like the random pop culture news articles and the interesting quotes that they provide at the beginning of each email.

And this morning, when I was listening to Up First, I realized… I wish this was the way my parents consumed their news. It would be great if they heard about the good, bad, and neutral news. It would be better if they heard more about other cities and countries and continents. The world does not revolve around San Francisco. They wouldn’t have to constantly be listening to latest kidnapping or murder and thinking that events like that happen every second on every corner of every street in the world. How does it benefit any of us to be informed of every event like that? What exactly would we be learning from any of that?

Whale and puffin watching

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Exploring Newfoundland and Labrador has given us quite a number of sights, from rugged cliffs, unique rock formations, crashing waves and piercing blue waters, to puffins little auk birds, and several different whale sightings. The funniest thing about going on a whale watching boat tour, which is what we did this morning, is that it’s always a gamble on whether you will actually see a whale, but you kind of go just hoping for the best. And we saw not a single one today, but it didn’t really matter because we had already seen two or three by chance during other hikes and walks on this trip.

During our boat tour today, I learned that puffins are local to this area, and after having visited a free puffin viewing site a couple days ago, I realized how unique these tiny birds are. They have so much oil on their feathers that despite being able to regularly dive into water as deep as 100 feet, as soon as they get out of the water, they are 100 percent dry. Their signature orange-red tinge on their beaks is temporary; it’s only present when it is mating season and used to attract a mate. And the funniest part of the narration of the tour: I had noticed how much puffins had to flap their wings while flying in the air, but one of the guides said that here in Newfoundland, unlike in other areas of Canada such as Ontario, they really do not care about being politically correct here. So, they like to call puffins “PPFs” — “piss poor flyers.” They flap their wings while flying like there’s no tomorrow, as though if they didn’t flap 100 times that they’d fall out of the air.

And of course, Chris had to make comments wondering what a puffin would taste like. He is a true omnivore.