Baby hand-me-downs and re-gifts

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I’m currently in the process of creating a baby registry, as I’ve been told by many people that regardless of the situation, people are going to want to give me and my baby gifts, so I might as well make it easier for them by curating things I actually want. The last thing I want to be doing postpartum is going to stores and returning things, or going to the post office to mail back returns for refunds/store credit. As I’ve started this process, I’ve also been grateful for some of the things others are willing to regift or hand me down that their babies have outgrown. I have zero problem stretching the use out of an item as long as it’s in decent condition, even though my mother immediately scoffed at anything that was even worn once or used at all (“it needs to be new! You don’t know how dirty it could be!”).

One friend has offered to give me her bassinet that her baby is currently using since her baby has almost outgrown it already. My cousin has offered to give me a brand-new, still sealed play mat since he was gifted two more than he actually needed. There are also buy-nothing and mom groups in Manhattan where moms are eager to pay it forward by giving away lightly used clothes or other toys.

My mother, the potential baby snatcher

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My mom loves babies. She especially loves the chubby, fat-cheeked ones that drool and smile all the time, regardless of who they are staring at. As soon as she sees any baby that is remotely cute or chubby, she always squeals, “Awwww, I want to hold!!”

She called me today to tell me that while at a grocery store recently, she saw the cutest little girl, probably somewhere between 3-4-years of age. She was extremely cute and had rosy, chubby cheeks (“her mother must have eaten an egg every single day of pregnancy to have a daughter with cheeks like that!” my mom exclaimed), and for whatever reason, was wandering around the shop unattended by a parent. As soon as she made eye contact with my mom, she smiled, and then started walking up to her. My mom said hi and waved, but didn’t want to do more than that in the event the parent showed up and got mad. My mom turned to walk away, but the child was so intrigued by my mom that she just kept on following her around the shop. My mom turned around to interact with her a few times, but didn’t get too close, though she said many times she wanted to. Finally, the mom of this little girl appeared out of nowhere to gather her child, and she shot my mom an unfriendly glare.

“It’s fine that she wasn’t friendly with me,” my mom said, gleefully. “I don’t need to hold or kiss her child because I have a grandchild on the way!”

While I am happy that my mom seems happy about my pregnancy, I’m not sure how much time she will actually spend with her grandchild once she is born. Who knows how much time any family member will be able to spend with her given the distance. So that’s always why it’s a bit comical to me how excited they are about babies.

“Nesting”

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I told one of my friends that Chris and I bought the Costco-sized diapers and baby wipes that were on sale during our trip this past Friday, and she exclaimed, “Yay! You’re nesting! So exciting!”

I’m not sure how I feel about the term “nesting.” Nesting refers to expectant parents getting their home ready for the newborn’s arrival. That could mean purchasing baby gear, clothes, toys, and necessities, child-proofing the home, discarding or giving away things that may be hazardous to the new baby, and/or decorating the nursery. And here, I just thought “nesting” meant snuggling.

I’ve started compiling a list of things that I think we need, but I am hoping I make some headway with the Facebook mom and “buy nothing” groups I’ve joined. And I’ve already mentioned how annoying researching stroller and car seat options are. I really have no desire to be THAT parent who thinks their child needs every toy and high end stroller and baby item on the market and then cluttering our entire apartment. I’d like to be as minimalist as possible while also being practical, but this seems to be a bit of a challenge now as I am overwhelmed by all the options that are out there.

I wish someone else could make all these choices for me. 😀

Delayed catch-up after almost 3 years

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This afternoon, I had an almost 2.5 hour FaceTime chat with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in almost three years. She and her husband live in Seattle, and while she has family out here in the tri-state area, she hadn’t visited since 2019, and it was only for quick visits to Jersey. We caught up on everything from her new home, my chaotic pregnancy journey, shared family dysfunction, and everything in between.

Although we’d loosely kept in touch this entire time via text message and Instagram, we hadn’t had a real 1:1 conversation until this day. Yet despite that, it felt like no time had passed since we last spoke because the way we interacted and exchanged laughs and retorts seemed so natural.

I thought about all the blogs and mom stories I’ve read about people who become parents, and their friends tend to change in favor of others who are parents vs. those who are child-free, and I wondered what my life would be like with my friends who don’t have kids. My circle of friends is already relatively small, so I don’t really fear that I’ll become that disconnected from child-free friends, but I wonder how often we will chat and what our interactions will be like post-baby being born. I do hope that I’ll be able to make new friends through parent/mom groups, though, since it will be important for our child to socialize with those of a similar age.

Travel systems for an on-the-go life in the city

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If there is one area for shopping for baby items that is giving me some level of angst, it is most definitely what we will end up selecting for our stroller/car seat/travel system. For parents who own a car and plan to use it to transport their child everywhere, they definitely have less of a stressful decision to make given they can just leave their base in their car and snap in the car seat at any time, then dump the stroller piece into their trunk. Because we are city dwellers and do not own a car, we need to be able to pop a car seat in and out of multiple vehicles, whether they are ride shares, cabs, or rental cars, and be able to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible; ideally, we wouldn’t have to lug a car seat base everywhere (as they are pretty freaking heavy and LARGE!) and would find a car seat that doesn’t require a base. We will also need to take our stroller on the subway since that’s our main mode of transportation while in New York City.

It seems every “trendy,” or rather uppity, name-brand oriented mom can’t get enough of Uppababy products, particularly the Uppababy Vista stroller, which, by itself, without a car seat/base, without any adapters, costs over a thousand dollars. I can’t even count the number of Uppababy strollers I’ve noticed here in Manhattan in the last few years, and this was even far before I was trying to get pregnant. I told a relatively new mom about my stroller concern with living in the city carless and wanting to easily take these pieces on a plane, and she immediately, likely without thinking, just told me to get the Vista. But the Vista is a full-size stroller, which means it’s not only huge, but it’s extremely heavy, and with me at my pre-pregnancy weight of about 117 lb., I’m not sure how I’d be able to maneuver that along with the weight of a baby all by myself. I think I’d ideally want a more compact stroller that could easily click in a car seat and a bassinet, but there are many pros and cons for each of these options as it relates to cost, suspension, and durability.

As a last stop with our Zip Car rental yesterday, we stopped at a Buy Buy Baby in Jersey, and after looking at Chicco, Peg Perego, Uppababy, and Even Flo strollers, it seems that the best value option is the Even Flo stroller, which is modular (allows front and rear facing), and converts into a bassinet. It also comes with an infant car seat. But as I read reviews online, a lot of parents complain that this tends to break down and the wheels lose their power at around the 5-6 month mark, which would really be a hassle. I also wasn’t that trusting of the employees who helped us, as they gave us some factually incorrect information in regards to some of the strollers, which I later found out about just by doing a quick online search.

When I mentioned “travel,” “compact,” “we don’t have a car,” neither of the employees mentioned some of the most popular options available, including the Babyzen Yoyo, Bugaboo Ant, or the Uppababy Minu. So this just means my search and questioning will continue. What fun. I wish the search could be easier than this.

2nd and potentially last Costco trip this year

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Our usual cadence of going to Costco is about once per quarter since I started using my dad’s membership, but given our move last month, it didn’t really make sense to go in June or July of this year, so we decided to wait until this month. Chris decided to rent a Zip Car and take us to the Edison, New Jersey, location, which is obviously a very heavily Indian area, which means that the local Costco would cater to its local clientele. And that it surely did: walking through the aisles, you could see the South Asian influence with multiple varieties of 10-20 lb. pack lentils, different types of basmati rices, instant dal, paneer, and even a decent selection of Indian teas.

We weren’t sure if we’d be coming back to Costco again this year, especially with my due date in December (who knows how mobile I will be come November, as if all goes well, I will likely be waddling around and unable to be of much help with anything!), so we stocked up on a lot of things we probably wouldn’t normally get as much of. Instead of getting one 6-pack of Harmless Harvest coconut water, we picked up two. I got a large bottle of avocado oil even though I’m only half-way through my current one. We also stocked up quite a bit on chicken, beef, lamb, shrimp, and fish, which will likely be more than enough to carry us through the beginning of 2022 (and, which has definitely made our freezer space quite snug and full!).

We also noticed that baby wipes and diapers were on mega sale, so Chris insisted we buy these. Even though I’m already into week 23 of pregnancy, I still feel a bit uneasy about buying things so far ahead of baby’s arrival, but I figured… I can’t live my life in fear, and I have to remind myself that to date, everything has gone well, so we need to start “nesting” and preparing for the little one’s arrival. So that took up a LOT of cart space for us, too.

It was probably our fullest Costco shopping cart yet. Although we did pick up a huge bottle of avo oil for a friend, it was also our biggest Costco spend to date, at just over $500. And of course, we ended the Costco visit with a 100% berry smoothie.

27 weeks gestational age and birth

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I had a casual 1:1 catch-up with one of my colleague friends over Zoom today, and I finally told her that I was pregnant. We talked about the female body in general and how resilient and amazing it is, and she revealed to me that although she’s never had a baby herself, she always marvels at mothers and pregnant women for going through the pregnancy and birth process because of how beautiful she thinks it is… particularly because in her own case, she was born at 27 weeks gestational age and had to stay in the NICU for almost three months before being allowed to go home.

I was so shocked that I could barely contain myself. My colleague is two years older than me, which means that science and hospitals were equipped to keep her alive and healthy in 1984 at a super premature stage. TWENTY SEVEN WEEKS? I thought to myself. That’s just over six months of pregnancy!!!!! What a miracle baby she was, I told her. I don’t think I can look at her the same way ever again. And now, she’s a 37-year old woman who is accomplished, extremely smart, and so thoughtful. Thank goodness she not only survived but thrived. She told me that the hospital filled her up with so much formula in her three-month stay that she was super fat when she finally went home, and no one could tell that she was originally born so premature!

Week 22: belly tightness

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I’m officially 22 weeks pregnant today. Every day that passes, I still cannot believe I’ve made it this far. Every time I feel the baby move around and flail and kick, I smile and remember how lucky I am to be able to grow a tiny human inside of me.

While running on the treadmill this morning, I noticed that my belly seemed particularly tight. I’ve gradually been running slower and slower given the weight is noticeable on me more and more as the weeks go by. The tightness eventually went away but came back on and off throughout my workout, so I started doing easier activities just in case. Eventually, the tightness went away, but I was wondering why this was happening.

I did a quick Google search for belly tightness at this stage of pregnancy, and depending on the level of tightness or “hardness,” these could be early Braxton Hicks contractions. They aren’t real contractions in that the baby is not ready to come out, but these are said to be “practice” contractions the uterus does to gear up for the Big Day.

Well, that can be a little scary. Who knew that “practice contractions” were a thing the body does?! I’m constantly learning new things about my body through this whole process and being amazed by it all.

Nana’s funeral

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At home this evening, we attempted to watch the live stream of Chris’s Nana’s funeral, but failed just a short while into it annoyingly. But Chris worked on the video and photo component of the program, so he had it uploaded to YouTube so we could watch it without the live stream. While watching it, I thought about the amazing, privileged, happy, and full life that Nana lived in her 92 years. I thought about her love for knitting and crochet, cooking, gardening, and her family. I thought about how beautifully and neatly she kept her home despite living on her own for so long. I still fondly remember all of the little trinkets and crystals she had so meticulously displayed on all her surfaces and cabinets everywhere in her home, and how much she relished her time with her grandchildren and great grandchildren. And although I felt sad knowing that our future baby will never get to meet Nana, I know from all the stories shared and the time I spent with Nana that Nana died with a true level of contentment in the life she led, likely with little to no regret. We are lucky to have seen her nearly every Christmas since 2012.

I thought about my mom while watching the different cousins share their Nana stories and listening to Nana’s children speak details of Nana’s life, and I wondered if my mom, hopefully one day a long, long time from now, would be on her deathbed, reflecting back on her life and what level of fulfillment she’d feel. Would she look back and see a life well lived, or will she simply see “constant pain and suffering” as she used to yell at my dad and Ed about all the time? Will she get angry at all the people she believes wronged her, or will she actually take the time to be thankful for all the good fortune and good deeds that others have done for her with no expectation in return, even if she was always so quick to exercise “quid pro quo”?

Imposing a definition of “happiness” on someone else

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Today, I had an early morning flight to go back to New York. My mom has been in an especially edgy and nervous mood, which can be attributed to a combination of the ongoing pandemic, hate crimes against elderly Asians, and the fact that I’m pregnant, on top of her usual unstable mental state. I was originally planning to get an Uber to go to the airport since I needed to be at the airport by 5:30am, but my mom insisted that my dad drive me. I relented, but only knowing that my dad had two cups of coffee. Given that he’s now 73, I generally don’t trust him driving when it’s too dark outside or if he could potentially be too drowsy. That would just be an accident waiting to happen.

I hadn’t been home in over a year and a half this visit, but for the most part, things are pretty much the same at home: cluttered, dusty, dirty, frustrating, and angst-inducing. Nothing has really changed. On my flight back, I was lucky enough to get upgraded to First Class, so I got to enjoy a nice breakfast, more privacy, and a fully reclining seat. While resting on the flight back, I thought about the way I define happiness, and maybe while I may fear that my parents may not be happy, maybe I actually have it all wrong. To be frank, I don’t think it’s possible for my mom to be happy. But my dad, on the other hand, maybe he actually IS happy. Maybe he’s content with the way his life his and what his day to day routine is. And maybe I’m the one who is trying to impose my definition of “happiness” on him. Maybe he’s content living in a cluttered, dusty, and dirty space. Maybe he thinks that renovating the kitchen or having a fresh coat of paint on the walls won’t really do anything to increase his incremental happiness level, even though I hope that it would. Maybe he’s happy going on YouTube most days to see the “outside world” instead of actually going out into the world. He’s always been content without any friends and only associating with my mom’s friends.

We spend all our lives having assumptions about everything and everyone. We assume that if x person had y and z inspiration or thing or job or person that they might be better off. But who is really to say if that’s the case or not? Every time I go back home and leave, I realize that while my parents may want to impose their views on my life and do it in an annoying way, perhaps I am also guilty of trying to impose my definition of “happiness” and “contentment” on them, and either way, neither of us is getting anywhere with that approach.