Genbaku Domu and peace museum

This morning, we visited the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum. In the museum, they have a model of the devastation done to Hiroshima after the atom bomb was dropped, and they even marked the spot where this actual museum stands today. Many personal items from affected families were generously donated to the museum, so we saw and read about a lot of the personal stories of people who were here on that very hot day in August 1945.

One picture on display was of a woman wearing a kimono with a very intricate design at the time of the bomb dropping. The delicate pattern of the fabric got burned into her skin, leaving what looks like a tattoo of her kimono all over her back and arms. One of the many objects was a child’s single Japanese-style shoe. A mother went searching for her missing child after the bomb was dropped and found nothing – except a single sandal which she knew was her own child’s because the thong portion was hand-woven from a piece of her own old custom-made and designed kimono. No one else in the world had shoes like this – except for her child.

It’s always the personal stories that get me when it comes to events like this. I’m not trying to be callous when I say this, but when we learn that 350,000 people either died or suffered after effects from the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, these are just numbers to me – statistics like any other statistic about any other counted fact. What is the most moving as a human being are the personal stories of affected individuals, how these devastating events affected real people in real families in real neighborhoods. It’s what makes these events real to the people who were unaffected directly by it and able to at least slightly empathize with their experiences.

Let’s have peace

We left early this morning to catch our shinkansen (bullet train) from Kyoto to Hiroshima. For most of us who are remotely aware of the atomic bombings that happened in Japan during World War II, we’d know that Hiroshima is the first city that the U.S. dropped an atomic bomb on in an attempt to force Japan to surrender. The entire city was flattened almost instantly after the bomb was dropped that August morning of 1945. The city has since rebuilt itself, and has a large peace memorial park built to memorialize the victims of the first atom bomb devastation. It also has a well-known museum dedicated to this tragic event. Hiroshima has retained the one building left standing near the hypocenter where the bomb was dropped – or at least, its skeletal remains.

When I told a Japanese friend, who comes to Japan every year since she and her husband own a house in Hiroshima, that Hiroshima was on our Japan itinerary for this trip, she was very surprised. She said that of the people (very likely the majority of whom are American) she knows who have gone to Japan, few to none of them have visited Hiroshima. Tokyo and Kyoto are always on the list, though (for understandable reasons). “There’s really not much to do in Hiroshima,” she said to me, other than the obvious peace park and museum, so most tourists don’t actually go there of whom she is aware.

I was surprised to hear her opinion and experience on this speaking to other travelers to Japan, but when I thought about it, I realized of the people I know who have been to Japan, few had included Hiroshima on their list, too, other than Chris and his family, who are obviously huge travelers. To me, it seemed like a logical place, particularly as an American, to want to visit, given the history with the atom bomb dropping. But in that sense, why would Nagasaki not also be on the list, I suppose?

Tonight, we walked around the atom bomb dome to see the remains of the building left standing after the bomb dropped, and read the descriptions surrounding it. In the twilight, it was so eerie and seemed even more tragic. As I read the background on the city and the peace park before our trip, I got teary thinking about the devastation to families, many of whom were completely wiped out because of the atom bomb and its lingering ramifications on the survivors. Our parents generally teach us that when we do good things, good things will come to us; if we do bad things, bad things will happen to us. It’s clearly very simplistic and is even more painfully obvious that it’s just not true. None of these people did anything to deserve this level of devastation. And it was chilling to see the remains of the dome in person. Despite the heat and high humidity, I felt chills walking around the dome and thinking about all the people in it who died in seconds. Innocent lives were lost and multiple generations killed instantly.

As an American, I think it’s even more important for us to visit places like this. Our country is obsessed with stupid, inane concepts like American exceptionalism, the idea that we’re the best, the most developed and civilized, but we really should deal with the fact that we’ve done a lot of God-awful things to other countries that for some reason, most Americans just want to forget and ignore. We’re not the best. If we were truly the best, the gap between the richest and the poorest would not be so large, the infant mortality rate would not be so high, and there would actually be recognized and paid maternity and paternity leave at the national level. We would have trains that actually were on time, fast, and worked. We would truly and fully embrace other cultures and languages and not have so much ignorance about the rest of the world and how others live, breathe, and eat. Guns would not be as easy to get as a pair of shoes. We would recognize that the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” also means the right to proper and full healthcare coverage, because without health, you have absolutely no real life no matter what any moron says. These are the moments I get really angry and embarrassed about being American because these are the things that the rest of the world knows about us and laughs at us about, but somehow in our own country, we’re still blinded by our own delusions, thinking we are number 1.

It’s hard to have and want peace in the world when you live in a country where people are blindly pro-war no matter what it is and think that the U.S. has to get involved in every war possible. Let’s just hope we don’t forget how we screwed up Japan to end World War II and decide to drop another atomic bomb somewhere else in the world to try to prove our delusional superiority.

Wedding invitations

Our wedding isn’t until next March, but because my future mother-in-law had the brilliant idea of getting wedding invitations printed in India during her trip there to save money, we decided to have her see what was available. After seeing the quality of the paper and the printing type availability, and particularly the low costs, it was too difficult to say no to it. We are literally paying about 10 percent or less of what we would have paid if we had our invitations made here by really any company, whether it was Wedding Paper Divas, Invitations by Dawn, or Minted, even after discount codes or using my cousin’s employee credit at Wedding Paper Divas!

I’m a little bit sad because I won’t have letterpress invitations like I had always dreamed of, but the reality hit me multiple times that pretty much no one would save those beautiful and extremely costly invitations other than my in-laws, my parents, my bridesmaids, and me. I can’t justify the cost for paper that will just be thrown away, even if they are my own cherished wedding invitations. People in general just don’t value these things the way I do. Maybe I can just have letterpress at my future child’s first birthday, or indulge myself in buying letterpress cards for myself to touch.

This is just further proof that the wedding industry is out to get everyone here and wants to rip us all off just for wanting to say “I do.” Well, take that, wedding industry, because “I don’t” to your overpriced American wedding invitations.

Dinner with the cousins

Last night after my meeting in Menlo Park, I went to Palo Alto to meet my cousin and his wife for dinner. It was a pleasant evening of drinking, eating very tasty Burmese food, and talking about a lot of light-hearted things. There was no real bonding in the sense of emotionally connecting or finding out the depths of each other’s minds, but it was still enjoyable.

Over the last seven or eight years, I’ve really struggled to maintain a close relationship with my cousins. Maybe it’s just a part of becoming more mature, more of the person I want to be in terms of values and goals, and realizing how much that clashes with them. I suppose it’s a similar struggle we face with friends as we grow older, but friends can easily drift and never see each other again and just each others’ Facebook posts. With cousins, they are bonded to you by blood, so it’s inevitable that even if you don’t want to, that you will need to see them again in some capacity.

Maybe my struggle with them is partly my own fault. It’s because I want them to be something to me that they cannot be because they just don’t have the ability. I always have an ideal of what a friend should be, what a spouse should be, what a mom or dad or cousin should be, and when they don’t meet that ideal, I feel disappointed and oftentimes angered by it. Why can’t we understand each other? It has to be because they aren’t trying hard enough, no? Why can’t you see why X event or action would make me angry? I don’t think it’s due to a lack of caring but rather due to a lack of ability. None of us is perfect. And we all have such different views shaped by our different experiences. Just like one friend will never be able to satisfy all my needs of a friend, my cousins will never be able to fulfill what I wish they could be to me as my cousins. Perhaps with some it’s due to a lack of caring. But with this cousin, I don’t think that’s the case. I just need to see and accept him as he is and stop questioning why he can’t be more than that. Sometimes, you just want the company of someone familiar who you’ve known for 29-plus years, and things can be good — not amazing, but still good. And maybe that can be enough if I just let it be enough.

Green thumb

When I was in middle school, my dad got into gardening, particularly roses, and he bought a few bare-root roses during winter for spring planting. One rose plant that he bought that was not bare-root was in a several-gallon-large container, and its name was Double Delight. It was a hybrid tea rose, meaning single stemmed roses, with a creamy yellowish-white hue tinged with bright magenta on the petal edges. It also has one of the most spectacular fragrances I’d ever smelled in a rose. When you buy your wife a dozen roses from anywhere, the smell is zilch compared to these lovelies. These babies were meant to be grown and loved and cherished in a garden.

Today, it is the only standing rose bush that managed to survive my dad’s brown thumb. I love my dad, but gardening is not his thing even if he tried harder. The last time I was home in February, I thought Double Delight was going to die after looking at how puny and pathetic it looked in the backyard. I felt so disappointed because it was always my favorite plant in the yard. But in the last three months, my mom has managed to bring it back to life. She said she’s been spending a lot of time in the yard taking care of it. My mom loves flowers, especially very fragrant ones. I rarely see a smile on her face as big as when she sees flowers blossoming everywhere. She has a gorgeous blossom from that bush in a vase in our dining room now, and there are five more buds on the way now after I went out to the yard to look at it. How did this happen? I asked her. Before this, the only plants my mom had ever taken care of successfully were the “set it and forget it” type plants like onion, mint, aloe vera, and Vietnamese herbs that just need to be rooted, planted in dirt, watered, and then they thrive on their own like freaking weeds.

Her good friend happens to be a very talented gardener with a tiny garden full of luscious roses of all types, so she taught my mom how to treat the plants, how trim, fertilize, and maintain them. And it worked. This rose bush has never looked healthier. What’s her secret? I asked. At dinner tonight, her friend said to me, “You have to talk to them and give them attention,” she said. “They want to feel loved.”

Well, don’t we all.

I saw some hope in this rose plant this afternoon. I saw how happy my mom was when she was telling me how she came to the rose’s rescue and nurtured it back to health and prosperity. “You don’t know how much time I’ve spent in this yard rescuing it!” she exclaimed as she smelled the blossom in the dining room. Maybe her friend is also in some way helping her heal in her loss of Ed by teaching her a new hobby and passion in the form of gardening. Life is moving forward slowly but surely. Flowers and gardening can’t really replace Ed, but they can help my mom look to the future with a bigger glimmer of hope.

 

Cassius Clay

Today, we drove to Lexington and Louisville from Cincinnati, and one of the stops we made was at the Muhammad Ali Center. We’d actually seen it last year when we stopped in Louisville last year, but we didn’t realize exactly what it was until after we left. I wasn’t sure I was going to enjoy the center because all I really knew about Muhammad Ali was that he was a famous boxer, but I had no idea that he was also a huge advocate of racial equality during the time of Martin Luther King, Jr., and Malcolm X, and also extremely charitable in both time and money to the poor all around the world. The work he did beyond his boxing was the most compelling to me.

A lot of people get annoyed that athletes and Hollywood actors and actresses get paid so much money for the work they do vs. the average working man or woman. I can see why they’d get annoyed by it, as sometimes I have in the past. But I do love hearing about celebrities who use their celebrity to help those who are less fortunate, and to shed light on important social issues that segments of our population want to turn a blind eye on. As sad as it is, when celebrities pay attention to certain issues, so do the regular people who follow them, which makes all the difference.

Awareness

A colleague told me today that her brother-in-law is doing some charity work for a nonprofit called Bring Change 2 Mind, which has the goal of raising awareness about mental illness among American males. She said that she’s noticed a few of my posts on mental illness and suicide and thought I’d be interested in learning about this non profit and the work her brother-in-law does.

It made me smile when she brought this up during conversation. It’s like an acknowledgment that yes, there are people I don’t really think pay attention who do notice things I post publicly, and they actually care that I care to a degree. She said she was interested in getting involved in a nonprofit that was specifically helping the mental health awareness issues because she has a family history of mental illness. I told her I did, too, and when our eyes met, it was pretty clear she knew what I was talking about.

I guess I can’t be that hard on the world. The world is hard on all of us, even those I don’t think have it hard at all. There’s only so much we know about those who surround us every day. It’s hard to know what you can reveal about yourself when, but it’s comforting when people do reveal parts of themselves that they don’t normally do because then they become more real and human to us.

Mother’s Day

Today, it is Mother’s Day. It doesn’t mean that much for my family or me given that my mom and closest aunt are Jehovah’s Witnesses, so I can’t really wish them a Happy Mother’s Day or send flowers or gifts. But it’s a reminder to me yet again about the hard life my mother has lived and all the pain she’s endured that I only know a fraction of.

She doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day, but I know she thinks about it. She probably thinks about her life as a mother to Ed and me, and how Ed is no longer with us. I’m sure that hurts a lot to know that you gave birth to and were a mother to your son for over 33 years, and then he took his life by jumping off a bridge. That son is no longer here. He’s dead. I feel a lot of pain when I think about the sequence of events even on the day of and leading to my brother’s death. The more time passes, the less it’s really about pain for myself and my parents as it is for pain for Ed, to think about how he felt, his suffering, and how he just wanted all the pain and agony to end. He just wanted some quiet. When I think of this, I feel even worse and think I could have done more. I get angry at myself because I know I had only spoken to him briefly on the Friday before that Monday, and at length on the Wednesday before that Monday. I knew he was reaching his limit. It’s a terrible thing to feel powerless to help someone you really love. And it’s even worse to think that as a mother, you cannot help your child enough to save him and his life.

Being a mother – what a scary thing. I’m reading Elizabeth’s Warren’s A Fighting Chance now, and I just finished reading Wendy Davis’s memoir. Like they say, being a mother never “ends,” and it rarely gets easier, especially from a emotional level of attachment. Maybe when your child is a teen or a full grown adult, you won’t need to spoon feed him or change his diapers or rock him to sleep, but that doesn’t make him any less your baby. Ed will always be my mom’s baby, just like I am, even if he isn’t physically here anymore.

Questions

My mother is clearly on edge because she knows she will be meeting Chris’s parents tonight. I can tell she feels pressured to make a good impression… because she thinks that if she and my dad do anything to offend Chris’s parents, Chris’s parents will then inform Chris that they don’t think this is a good match and force him to end the engagement. That sounds a bit antiquated given that we are in the year 2015, but hey, that’s what my mother thinks. We have to let her think what she thinks.

When I called her after work yesterday, she asked me so many questions that I had to keep a straight face and try to answer all of them patiently so that she wouldn’t yell at me. It went something like this:

Mom: So… is there anything you want to tell me?

Me: No, not really. Everything is fine. Nothing’s new.

Mom: Oh, well, I mean about Chris’s parents.

Me: Oh. What do you want to know?

Mom: Um… who talks more, the mom or the dad?

Me: Dad definitely talks more, but that doesn’t really matter, does it? They both talk! He just talks a lot more than she does!

Mom: Well, I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking. What do they not eat?

Me: They eat pretty much everything. Tony doesn’t really like to eat with his hands, but he can be forced.

Mom: Does that mean he won’t eat crab or lobster?

Me: He’ll eat it if Chris is there.

Mom: What does that mean? Why will he eat it only if Chris is there?

Me: Ugh… He’s just like that! (Note to self: stop telling her things that are too complex and have too much of a silly story behind them).

Mom: I will invite them to come over to the house after dinner. Is that okay?

Me: That’s fine, but it might be a bit late after dinner, and they will be tired and will want to go back to their hotel. It’s out near the airport, remember?

Mom: Well, it’s rude if we don’t invite them to our house. You have to show respect and invite. They came all the way over here. We must at least ask.

Me: I never told you not to invite them! I just mean that if they decline, you shouldn’t be offended.

Mom (voice sounds shrill now): They told you they don’t want to come to our house?

Me: MOM! I never said that!

And so we begin a night of Cantonese dining on the edge of the Richmond district in the lovely City by the Bay tonight, without me.

 

 

Regular banter

It’s been an interesting last few days with Chris’s parents. I got to witness a pretty heated debate on our way to Montauk yesterday between Chris and his mother, as they debated “welfare” and who “welfare” really benefits in society, the rich or the poor. I was amused by Chris’s dad’s assumption about my dad regarding his experience being drafted for the Vietnam War. He suggested that because my dad had traveled to Vietnam for the war that perhaps it would have peaked his interest in international travel. The funniest thing about this comment is that it probably did the opposite and only furthered the American superiority complex that so many Americans have. America is so great, right, so why do we need to travel outside of it? Actually, if we had to be more accurate about this, people really think, “my neighborhood/city is so great, so why do I have to leave it?” It’s why Chris and I have been labeled freaks while trying to visit every state in the country.

The greatest thing about being around Chris’s parents is that you can have regular banter about really odd things and opinions, but also have heated debates, and in the end, no grudges are held. This may seem normal to you, but this is not normal to me. I come from a family that is the king of grudges. If you started arguing about politics with my uncle or aunt or anyone in my family, it would likely end in a swearing, name calling shouting match, and people would likely not be on speaking terms after because both sides would think the opposite side was just an uneducated, uninformed moron. People in my family aren’t capable of having healthy debates where once the debate is over, so is all of the potential yelling or arguing; they only end in sourness and insults. I’m still getting used to this, and this family still isn’t real to me. It’s like I’m waiting for something scary and ugly to come out, but it never comes out. I try to embrace it while I continue to pinch myself and convince myself that it’s all real.