Category Archives: Hope

Talk

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Today, I took a break at a nearby coffee shop with a colleague who I’ve been working with for over two years. I knew a while back that mental illness affected her family, but recently I found out via a message she sent to me attached to the donation she gave to my AFSP drive that her brother was recently hospitalized for a relapse in alcoholism and seriously expressed a desire to harm himself. We spoke a lot about her family’s struggle to grasp her brother’s problem and her own desire to help him despite distance. Her family, like mine, doesn’t openly talk about mental illness or depression, but her parents have already started attending a support group for families who are touched by at a local hospital. I was pleasantly surprised to hear this, and sadly wished that my parents could have even considered for a second.

It was really hard for me at times to listen to what she was saying, not because I didn’t want to listen, but because it hit so close to home for me in terms of her fears, her frustrations, and her anger about the way her parents were handling the situation, and the way society handles or refuses to address mental illness. Her fear of losing her big brother is the same fear I had of losing Ed in the months leading up to his suicide. Her feeling of helplessness is the same as how I felt. “I’m scared that next year, I’m going to be joining you in your fight, that I will lose my brother the same way you lost yours three years ago,” she said to me. I had to keep my tears back as she looked me in the eye while saying that.

She told me she wished more people would be open about talking about mental illness in the way I was, and she was really happy to have the opportunity to speak with me. “You’re just so brave to share your story and all the details of your brother’s life through your fundraiser,” she said to me. The truth is that I don’t really think what I’m doing is brave. I just think it would be very selfish if I never tried to help anyone else who may be suffering from mental illness after what my brother went through. I wasn’t able to do enough to help him. But if I could do something small to help someone in the future, I think that is the very least I could do in his memory. I can’t fail my brother and what he meant to me.

Abusive relationships

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Today, my friend and I went to see Waitress the musical on Broadway. The show is about a woman in an abusive relationship who works as a waitress at a pie shop cafe, and she unexpectedly gets pregnant and doesn’t know what to do. She really doesn’t want the baby, but she feels too weak to leave her husband. The depiction of the husband in the show immediately reminded me of the abusive relationships I’ve seen, including ones that both my friend and I have been in, as well as other friends we’ve had through our lives who have succumbed to terrible men.

It’s really disturbing how even the strongest women can succumb to (verbally and/or physically) abusive men simply because of what we’ve been conditioned to believe are gender norms — that women need to be nurturing and accepting, that women have the ability to “change” the men they are with if they only try hard enough, that women need to “take care of” and in some ways even mother their partners. I still remember being in a terrible relationship when I was 19 and being in complete disbelief that all these awful things were happening to me… My friend even reminded me she didn’t realize how bad he was until it was almost over when I finally told her everything. It was surreal, as though it was all just a bad dream that I thought would end, but it took so, so long to end. But instead of walking away, I kept trying to believe things would get better and that he’d change, or maybe it was just a bad work day or a bad mood… classic women thoughts. I had a good friend constantly tell me to leave him, and when I finally did officially, it was the most liberating feeling ever.

The disheartening part of watching this musical, which both of us really enjoyed, is that it made me think about all the women out there in today’s day and age who are probably feeling just like Jenna the waitress, who feel trapped and like they can’t do any better than the loser abusive men that they’re with. There are too many problems in the world, and as many opportunities as there are out there for women, it’s sad when these opportunities aren’t made apparent to these women, and they think they have to put up with horrible sexist treatment that was normal fifty or a hundred years ago. I hope all women can be as strong as Jenna was in this show and leave their abusers, even if it means raising a child on their own. We don’t want to bring children into a world and raise them to think that abusive relationships are normal and expected.

DNC

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If there are themes I drew from the RNC speeches last week, they were that of division, negativity for the future, hate, anger, anti-tolerance masked as tolerance (Peter Thiel – really? Do you really think the Republican party sees you as a true equal when if you wanted, they wouldn’t even approve of your marriage because you’re gay?), and a deep desire for Hillary Clinton to be dead. The idea that grown adults could say that Hillary Clinton had a partnership with Lucifer seems pretty senseless and embarrassing to me.

Yes, there was yelling at the first night of the Democratic National Convention, and yes, there were Bernie protesters and divisiveness in the DNC crow;,yes, there was criticism of Trump, but one thing that resonated throughout is optimism for our country and the future. When Michelle Obama spoke these words, I could feel tears in my eyes welling up:

“That is the story of this country, the story that has brought me to this stage tonight, the story of generations of people who felt the lash of bondage, the shame of servitude, the sting of segregation, but who kept on striving and hoping and doing what needed to be done so that today I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves.

And I watch my daughters, two beautiful, intelligent, black young women playing with their dogs on the White House lawn.

And because of Hillary Clinton, my daughters and all our sons and daughters now take for granted that a woman can be president of the United States.”

The White House was built by slaves. Who ever mentions that — ever? And the idea that it’s actually a realistic possibility that the United States could have its very first female president 240 years after being founded — it’s absolutely chilling to me — in a good way. This is a potentially historic moment that awaits us. Eight years ago, we elected the first (half) black president of the United States. Eight years later, we could be electing the first female president of the United States. Progress is possible. Acceptance of progress is possible.

Michelle Obama’s speech made me feel proud to be American, and I honestly rarely feel that pride ever. I’m sure her speech made many others proud to be Americans, as well, or living in America with the privileges that many of us take for granted. How incredible it could be if one day, it was just a normal thing to see women running and getting elected for the highest office in the land right here in this country.

Step-by-step eating guide for bibimbap

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We’re on our way to Seoul. With a connecting flight in Dallas, we’re about 19 hours away from kimchi and patbingsu (Korean shaved ice) galore. To get a taste of Korea before we even land, the American Airlines business class menu has a number of options that are Korean-influenced. Of course, there are the boring Western dishes that those fearful of Asian food will order, but the options are fairly good: ramen noodles in chicken broth with mushrooms and fresh vegetables, cold udon with meat and vegetables, kimchi chicken, and even bibimbap with minced beef.

To accompany the bibimbap that Chris ordered, a little step-by-step guide on how to eat it is presented on the tray. It includes details on how to mix the beef, vegetables, and rice all together, directions on how to stir in some gochuchang (Korean red pepper paste) and sesame oil (packaged) to taste, and of course, enjoy.

We find it funny because we’ve eaten bibimbap so many times, but I suppose for someone who’s never eaten any Korean food, the directions might actually be needed and appreciated. We all have to start somewhere, right?

Mental list

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As I’ve become an adult and had to deal with my parents and their foibles, I’ve realized that increasingly, my fear is that I will become just like them as parents when and if the day comes that I have my own children. As a parent, you always want to try to do your best, but the scary thing is… what if your “best” isn’t enough? Before people become parents, they often think back to the things that their own parents did that they liked and did not like and hope to replicate the good and not repeat the bad. Over the years, I’ve talked about a “mental list of things not to do when I am a parent.” I kept telling myself I would write it down and put it up somewhere to remind myself. Well, maybe I will put it up here.

  1. Don’t tell your child “one step wrong, and then everything goes wrong.” No one is perfect. We all fuck up and make mistakes. That is what you call “life.”
  2. Don’t tell your child you will do something for them and not do it. They will remember it forever.
  3. Don’t name call your child. Then, you are being childish, aren’t you?
  4. Don’t call your child stupid or an idiot. This reiterates number 3 above.
  5. Don’t hit your child with a metal fly swatter.
  6. If you end up sending your child to private school or college and paying for her tuition, when you have arguments, don’t scream at them and demand they pay every penny back to you.
  7. Don’t make your child feel guilty about having an education. Education is compulsory in every developed western society.
  8. Never tell your children that they “owe” you and the debt can never be repaid. You brought them into this world. That was your choice, wasn’t it? (well, we’d like to assume so).
  9. Don’t make up stories about your child’s life and then start accusing them that these things are true when you are angry.
  10. Don’t tell your child that you are the best parent in the world. No one is the best. No one.
  11. Don’t tell your child that every other parent is inferior, especially her in-laws once she gets married. This is just not nice. Enough said.
  12. Don’t tell your child that she is a bad daughter. Again, not nice.
  13. When a great event happens in your child’s life, don’t nitpick and scream over the tiny details that didn’t go as planned. Glass fully empty and the faucet doesn’t work, anyone?
  14. Don’t open letters/cards addressed to your child. That’s none of your business.
  15. Don’t badmouth people your child likes to her face. And don’t badmouth your spouse to your child.
  16. Don’t call your daughter a prostitute.
  17. Don’t tell your depressed child that he needs to try harder.
  18. Don’t tell your child that she should learn to ride a bike herself.
  19. Don’t call your child weak or dumb when she cries.
  20. Never tell your child that he is worthless or that no one respects him or cares about him.
  21. Don’t expect your child to spend 100 percent of her time at home with you. That’s being selfish.
  22. Don’t pay for meals for your child and get mad when she doesn’t offer to pay. Then, when she does offer and pay, get mad at her for paying. See the no-win situation here?
  23. When your child gives you gifts, don’t scoff and say it “only cost X amount — that’s just peanuts.” You are just asking for no gifts ever again.
  24. When your child points out something you do that is a flaw, don’t come back with “Well, what about you?” and point out something completely unrelated. Remember, act like an adult with your child.
  25. Don’t accuse your child of loving or liking other people more than you and your spouse.
  26. In fact, don’t accuse your child of not loving or caring about you.
  27. Don’t compare your child to his face with other children. Would you want to be compared as a parent?!
  28. Don’t demand that your child call you every single day after s/he has left home.
  29. Don’t tell your child that she lacks wisdom and that you have a lot. If you have to say it, then you don’t.
  30. Don’t assume that just because you are the parent that your child will respect you. Respect is always earned. Demanding respect doesn’t get you anywhere.

Matron of honor speech

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We just received the short wedding teaser video from our videographer today, and I teared up listening to the part where my matron of honor is giving her speech and talking about how strong Chris and I both are. She’s a woman of few vocal opinions, positive or negative, so it’s always so striking to me every time she shares something, especially when it is a compliment of me.

I’ve oftentimes thought that through the years, maybe the real reason that we’ve held onto each other as friends despite many differing opinions is because we just like holding onto something that is old and from our past, even if we don’t always mesh that well. It’s nice to have someone stick with you throughout your life, right? But I’ve realized in these moments that it’s not that simple or lazy. It’s actually because we truly care about each other, love each other, and like family, want what is best for each other, however “best” is defined by each person.

He was there smiling at me.

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When people say that your wedding day is one of the most emotionally charged days of your life, they are really saying the truth. On our wedding day, I woke up crying and feeling sick in the stomach because I knew Ed wasn’t going to be there. I texted my friend and bridesmaid, who came to my room immediately to hold and comfort me. “It’s normal to feel this way,” she said, “but Ed wouldn’t want you crying on your wedding day. He’d want you to be smiling and happy.” I sucked it up, put ice on my eyes, and had my hair and makeup done with our design team with the moms and bridesmaids.

When “Jupiter” played during the bridal processional and my parents walked me out to the ocean terrace towards the altar, we stopped at the top of the stairs where Kim, my coordinator, asked me to stop so the photographers could get photos of my parents and me staring out at the water and our guests. We stopped there for a few seconds longer than we were supposed to because when I looked out, the first face I saw… was Ed. He was wearing a suit and a tie, and he was smiling back at me. I caught my breath and blinked my eyes, and then he was gone; what I thought was him was actually Chris’s friend’s husband smiling up at me.

I know I didn’t imagine him, though. He was really there. He was really standing there, smiling at me and happy that his baby sister was getting married. I missed him the entire day, but for him and for Chris, my family and friends, I was so happy. It was truly the happiest and most fun-filled day of my life.

Wedding vows revealed

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We wrote our own wedding vows and tried our best to customize our wedding as much as possible to reflect us and what is most important to us. These are the words and promises I shared on an ocean terrace overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Southern California today:

Eight years ago when we first met, it was certainly not love at first sight. But, it was definitely the beginning of an amazing friendship that over time, somehow evolved into a passion that has reached a depth I never thought possible. The truth is that before I met you and loved you, I always thought that in the ideal life partnership, two people would accept each other as is, and that was it. With you, I’ve realized how wrong I was. The rawest and most genuine love is one that recognizes your potential, is able to challenge you to reach that potential, and is ultimately able to encourage you to be the best possible version of yourself. It takes great strength, courage, and a lot of tough love to get there, but when we love, we face our fears, and we move forward in spite of those fears.

In you, I have found my best friend in every sense of the word. Your empathy, understanding, and optimistic view of the world and our place to contribute to it have inspired me to love more, give more, and slowly lose the cynicism I’ve held onto for so long. In my darkest hours, you’ve cut through all surrounding chaos and made clear your endless devotion to me and making my world a better, happier, and calmer place. You are not only my best and most loyal friend; you are my fiercest defender, my cheerleader, my travel and culture buddy, my food adventure mate, my taste testing guinea pig (even when my dishes don’t always come out well), my laundry boy, and my soul mate and inspiration.

Today, in front of our family and friends, I promise to continue growing with you, to encourage you to be all you are capable of being as you do with me. I vow to laugh, wrestle, and play with you even when life circumstances are challenging and hard. I promise to cook you fried rice and chicken curry stew, to rub your scalp with coconut oil when it gets too dry, to sew up the holes in your shirts and pants.. since you are inept at sewing. 🙂 But, above all, I promise to cherish and love you forever, putting you, my fuzzball, above all else.

I look forward to all of our life adventures together as we grow older, have a family, and contribute to this world we share together. My world is a brighter place with you in it. Thank you for loving and believing in me.

 

Welcome and rehearsal dinner

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Tonight, we welcomed our friends and family to a welcome and rehearsal dinner to kick off our wedding celebration. I was insistent that the food be Vietnamese and found a place within 30-minute driving distance that was a sister restaurant of a well-known restaurant in the Westminster area. It was authentic Vietnamese flavors with a modern take, and lots of fresh flavors and ingredients. I wanted everyone to know why we chose Vietnamese food, why I wore an ao dai, and a little more about our thoughts about my heritage, so I gave this short speech toward the end of dinner to honor my mom and her heritage:
Hi everyone – Are you all enjoying the food? Thanks so much for traveling from all over the world to be here with us this long weekend to celebrate our wedding. It really does mean so much to us, and we’re overwhelmed with gratitude knowing that all of you spent the time, money, and energy to be here these couple of days. Every time an RSVP “yes” came in, we were more and more overwhelmed.
We hope you’re enjoying the food. I’m not sure how much you guys know about the LA and Orange County area, but the OC actually has the largest concentration of Vietnamese people outside of Vietnam, and being half Vietnamese (or a quarter after taking a 23AndMe genetics test and realizing my mom is half Chinese, half Vietnamese), I wanted to honor my heritage and that of my mother’s tonight. My mom has no idea what I’m about to say right now, so she’s probably getting a little worried, but what I want to say is that I’d like to use this dinner celebration to honor her, not just with the food on the table tonight and her here in the room, but also with my traditional Vietnamese dress, which is called an ao dai. My mother left a war-torn country in the early 70s and all her family to marry my dad and start a brand new life here in the U.S. Unlike other immigrants, she had no way to get all her family over here. In fact, she never got to see any of them again until 2008, when we went back to Vietnam to see them. She came here without any other family, was able to get the equivalent of a high school degree, and then an office job that helped to support my brother and me and put me through private college. She dealt with extended family, who frankly, did not feel that happy about accepting a woman of Vietnamese descent into their Chinese family. My mother’s strength and perseverance inspire me, and I’d like to let her know today, in front of all our family and friends, that I love her dearly, respect the culture she has brought into my life, and hope to mirror her hard work, perseverance, and determination in my own life and give that type of hope to our future children. Love you, Mommy… and Daddy, love you, too. 🙂 (Thanks for bringing mom over and marrying her.)
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Needless to say, she was completely embarrassed and caught off guard when she realized that the speech was about her. She turned away from me and started looking down and towards the opposite end of the room. She thanked me later, but I think she was still digesting everything she heard and trying to understand what had happened and why.

Bachelorette fried chicken dinner

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Seven colleagues treated me to an evening of fried chicken and waffles, endless cocktails, and a light-flashing penis veil tonight in the Lower East side after work. It was low-key, full of laughs and stares from people who were caught off guard by a white veil with flashing penises all over it, and it was so much fun.

I guess in the last year, I haven’t spent much time thinking about any of my female colleagues and how much they actually are a part of my life. I try my best to have a very strict line between work people and friend/family people because I don’t like the idea of favoritism or being too casual in front of my colleagues for professional purposes. But I realized tonight that it isn’t so bad to let my hair down once in a while and just be a woman with a bunch of woman colleagues outside of the office. Even though I may not think they are that close to me, they do know and respect a side of me that perhaps my own friends and family will never get to see, and that in itself is worth something.