Tomorrow is my 38th birthday. For a few years, I would organize birthday dinners for myself with local friends and have casual drinks out afterwards. It was always really informal, with small groups of people that I love and enjoy spending time with. I’ve never had a ton of friends, so when I do have people I actually call friends, each of them really needs to count.

But then COVID happened. People stopped congregating. And even before that, a lot of our friends moved away. So there was less reason to have group outings. Pookster was born, and so then it became harder to organize group dinners. But after having friends over for a (takeout) dinner in early December, I remembered how much I love cooking for my people, so I decided I’d start doing more of that this year, just at lunch time so it’s easier on Pookster’s sleep schedule.

Well, I thought about doing this about a week ago for my birthday, perhaps the last week of January, but my impromptu thought was a little too impromptu. Not everyone was available who I’d like to invite. So then I settled on a belated birthday/Lunar New Year celebration in mid-February. Lunar New Year falls on February 10th this year, so we’ll have our meal on February 17. And this will also give me more runway to decide what to make.

The older I get, the less I really want “things” or anything big. I just want more time, togetherness, love, and well, time with the people I care about.

I went to the dentist’s office this morning because I’ve been having extreme cold sensitivity on three of my top teeth. This all started in September, but gradually got worse and worse as we headed into December. During our cold early morning photo shoot on Brighton Beach our first week in Melbourne, it hurt me every single time I smiled with my teeth exposed with the cold wind hitting my teeth. In many outdoor photos, especially while in Japan, I just smiled without my teeth because I wanted to avoid any unnecessary tooth pain. That’s how desperate I was getting with the cold sensitivity. This past week, I couldn’t even eat room temperature fruit (grapes were not fun; apples were horrendous biting into) without wincing. So I ended up eating far less fruit than I’d normally eat.

The dentist asked me about my symptoms, tested a couple teeth by blowing cold air onto them and asking for my (not so pleasant) reaction. Then, he took x-rays of the teeth to see how bad the enamel had worn away due to my grinding. The good news, he said, is that the enamel had not worn away to the point of exposing the pulp; that would require a root canal and a crown. In my case, he said he was confident that I could simply have one to two treatments of a desensitizer (like a medication) on top of my teeth, and I’d be fine in the end. I might still have some sensitivity, but it wouldn’t be anywhere as bad as it had been in the last week.

So we took the conservative treatment. I had the desensitizer applied with two coats, and when I went home, I did notice that eating fruit wasn’t as scary of an action. But it only made me hope and hope that my wine cork strategy for stopping my grinding would be fruitful. And in between, the new mouth guard I’d get would help more.

For several years, I was an avid subscriber to Aaptiv, which is marketed as fitness with a “trainer in your ear.” It had programs like running, walking, elliptical, yoga, pilates, core, strength training, etc., in pretty much every length of time desired, as well as different instructors and music types. I stopped my subscription early last year after Kaia was born, as I was on an annual subscription and just decided I could work out on my own during my postpartum/breastfeeding year. I wasn’t really trying to lose weight or anything similar last year; I just wanted to stay active.

Now that I’m actually trying to get into better shape and lose some weight, I’ve been looking at a number of different workout programs. Some have been on YouTube. I temporarily have a three-month free trial subscription with Apple Fitness (it’s fine. I like the kickboxing, running, and yoga programs. But their strength training programs are so cliche and too focused on weights). Others have just been videos I’ve found on Instagram that I’ve bookmarked. And of course with all this activity, I’m constantly getting targeted for new workout apps. Most of them echo what I’ve been watching, following, and doing: low impact strength training, low impact cardio, little to no weights. Since my knee and hip have been feeling funny after strenuous runs, I’m toning down the amount of running I’m doing and focusing on pre-conditioning before any run. But what I’ve realized I’ve always hated about a lot of strength training videos is that they focus on weights, weights, and weights. The heavier the weights, the better! And the trainers are always so bulky. But I don’t want to look like those trainers. And the truth is that I don’t even like using weights. The most weight I carry now is 2.5 pounds, and I really don’t want to do heavier weights because I just do not find it enjoyable. Not to mention that I don’t want to bulk up. And I hate it when trainers insist that I won’t bulk up. We all know our own body types; I have a body type that can bulk up very easily, especially in my arms. I just want to rely on my own body weight and tone from there. And now, it seems like more workout apps are doing this, which is great to see. There are ones that are pilates focused, others that are dance focused. One interesting one I found (but am definitely not doing) is a combination of ballet and dance fitness. But now that I have all these interesting choices to trial, the next question is: which one am I going to choose?

Four weeks ago, when I finally decided to hop on a scale to see how much I weighed and found out (annoyingly) that I was 12 pounds over pre-pregnancy weight, I started weighing myself once a week to check on my weight loss progress. I reduced how much I ate at breakfast and lunch on the weekdays. I pretty much stopped drinking any alcohol (much to Chris’s annoyance). I also increased the rigor of my weekday morning exercise and always ensured that I exercised for at minimum 60 minutes (excluding stretching and warmup). I carved out time intentionally during the day for walking breaks. A few of the people I’ve shared this with have laughed, saying they think I’m being ridiculous for wanting to lose weight, but at the end of the day, I’m comparing myself to myself, not to others.

I was pleased to see that in the last four weeks, I’ve been able to lose six pounds already with my conscious changes in behavior. Before I even hopped on the scale this week, I already noticed that the pants I had bought back in the beginning of summer felt less tight, which was reassuring. I’m about half way to my goal at this point, which is quicker than what I had anticipated, so while I am happy about my progress, I know I still have work to do.

I had another 9am meeting this morning, so for the second day in a row, I woke up at 6am to get down to the gym by 6:20 for another intense workout. Right now, my gauge for whether my workout was good is if my heart rate is in the “heart rate calorie burn zone” (I measured it the first few days this week, but now I have a good way of gauging based on how I feel), and if throughout and at the end, if I still have sweat coming down my eyes (a really annoying feeling, but one that is strangely gratifying because I know I’m pushing myself).

Was it hard to wake up an hour early? Yes. But I know I can keep doing if if I keep my mind at it. I was able to do it over ten years ago, so I know I can do it now. While waking up early is not a fun or painless thing for me to do, what I’ve felt the last two days is far less rushed than I normally feel. I actually feel like I have more time to shower, get ready, and go through emails. I have more time to prepare tea when I want to do a double boil of chai. I don’t feel anywhere as time pressed. It’s nice to get on with my morning in a more leisurely manner rather than bulldozing through actions.

We’ll see how I can keep this up.

After the semi-annoying elevator exchange with my neighbor yesterday, this morning after my workout, I decided to hop on the scale (my first time since the beginning of the year). Last year, I’d had my weight checked a number of times: at my two OB-GYN visits, at my endocrinologist’s office, and a handful of times at home. I was proud to say that last year, I’d actually lost pretty much all my pregnancy/baby weight as of September and was back at my pre-pregnancy weight of 117 pounds. I wasn’t even sure how that happened so quickly, but I figured it was due to 1) genes, 2) lifestyle and diet, including exercising regularly, and 3) breastfeeding/pumping.

I’ve never been a scale checker; I never even owned a scale before I lived with Chris. So I always gauged my “weight” by how I felt and how I fit into my clothes. Around June of this year, I went to purchase new pants. Since the summer was quite hot, I actually hadn’t worn those pants (or any pants, for that matter) until this month… when I realized that the pants felt very snug around my waist and stomach. I already knew I had developed more belly fat at the beginning of the summer when I put on my swimsuit and looked at myself in the mirror; I wasn’t totally pleased with what I saw, but I tried to do more core strengthening work to address it. Then, because husbands always do what they do, Chris commented a couple times that he was surprised I had developed a little belly. “It must be because you aren’t pumping anymore! Maybe you need to start pumping again!” he teased, while poking at my belly.

That was not nice, but that was just a reminder to me of what I already knew: I was developing more fat around my mid-section.

So I hopped on the scale this morning, and BAM: there was a scary number staring back up at me: 129 pounds. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I knew I had gained weight, but TWELVE EXTRA POUNDS?

I did some quick Google searches, and alas, it’s really because of weaning: it’s very common for mothers who breastfeed to gain weight once they wean. The reason for this is a sudden change of hormone levels that no longer push prolactin (the breastfeeding hormone) and instead push estrogen (they are at odds with each other hormonally). Your body is also adapting to no longer using up a large amount of energy (calories) to create and pump out breast milk for your baby. Your body is essentially adapting to a new normal, a new, postpartum, post-breastfeeding state. Who knew that at 21 months postpartum, I’d still be thinking and talking about my “postpartum state”?!

Late last week, I was already starting to incorporate different low impact workouts to vary things up for myself. But now, I’m also thinking about re-jiggering my workouts so that I always have an hour dedicated on weekday mornings. So many times, I’ve had to cut it short due to morning work calls. If it means I need to wake up earlier to do it, then so be it. Ten years ago to lose weight and get in shape, I used to wake up at 5:45am several mornings a week to go to bikram yoga! And when I wasn’t doing that, I woke up at 6am to get to a 7am hour-long workout class, and then worked out another half hour since I didn’t want to go to the office that early! If I could do it then, then I can definitely do it now, especially with a gym right in my building. I have no excuses, even with a toddler to help get ready every morning. I am definitely doing this: Operation Lose 12 Pounds in the next several months.