This week, one of my favorite colleagues returned from a five-month-long maternity leave. She was born and raised in a part of Oregon where home births are relatively normal, and well… vaccination is not embraced. Her mother birthed both her and her sister at home, and her mom was born at home, as well. So she was a little bit of a weirdo when she decided that she would give birth in a hospital, but have a birth doula for emotional support and also what she hoped would be a natural, unmedicated birth.

A day before her due date, she started having real contractions, and lucky for her, she actually gave birth just six hours later. They call labor that is this short “precipitous labor.” It’s extremely unusual (and lucky!) for a first-time birthing person to have a labor this short. She said that her contractions got stronger and closer together within the first hour or so, and when she told her doula that she really thought she needed to go to the hospital, her doula told her that she probably had another 24+ hours to go, so maybe should just try to relax. But by the time she got to the hospital a couple hours later, she was almost completely dilated and in so much pain that she just kept on screaming and yelling, “GET ME A FUCKING EPIDURAL!” over and over, so loud that the entire hospital floor could hear her (she said she has no memory of this ever happening, but her husband told her after, and this also explained why some of the nurses were a bit intimidated to interact with her after the baby was birthed). By the time she asked for the epidural, the nurses and doula told her it was too late and it was time to push, so in the end, she got what she wanted: an unmedicated vaginal birth, plus the added bonus of one of the shortest labors ever for a first-time mom.

I would love to have a labor that short. Maybe she can send some of her short labor vibes over to me.

Last week, I went to see my GP doctor for my usual routine annual. We talked about health, COVID-19, life, and my pregnancy. And as per usual, I had my lipid panel done with an overnight fast, which is routine for these visits.

However, what I wasn’t expecting were the results I’d get a week later, which totally shocked me. Every year I’ve had my cholesterol levels checked, I’ve always been in a healthy range. My healthy cholesterol is high (which is good), and my “bad” cholesterol had been low. I’d never even reached a total cholesterol level even close to 200 (over 200 is considered undesirable/bad). But when my doctor emailed me with my results today, I was beyond shocked and grossed out. Last year, my HDL (good) cholesterol was 73, and my LDL (bad) was 71. She’s always been impressed by how all my labs have been each year and has applauded me (thankfully, I didn’t inherit my dad’s terrible cholesterol genes, which tend to pass down on the men’s side but luckily not the women’s side). But this year, though she seemed happy about my results, my initial reaction out loud was “what the actual FUCK?” This year, the good cholesterol was 84, which is considered very good. But the bad cholesterol I balked at – 126. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX WHAT? I immediately looked up last year’s results to compare, and to see the bad jump up by this much had zero explanation. Did I need to go.. VEGAN? The only other explanation for this could be my pregnancy. Does pregnancy cause one’s cholesterol to increase?

Apparently, it does. I asked her this, and at the same time also did a quick Google search. The rationale is for several reasons: cholesterol level tends to increase as your weight goes up, and with a healthy pregnancy, weight has to increase to accommodate your growing baby, her “house,” and the extra fat stores your body needs to produce to optimally nourish your tiny growing human. Your increasing cholesterol also serves to provide additional nutrients needed for a growing fetus overall, even for women who have normal cholesterol levels pre-pregnancy. Cholesterol level tends to peak during the third trimester, which is what I’m currently at, and then decline once the baby is born and once you lose the extra baby weight. My doctor responded immediately and said that she had zero concerns about my increase and that in fact, this was very healthy considering the baseline I started at pre-pregnancy, which was “phenomenal” in her own words.

The numbers still freaked me out, though. My triglyceride level also went up like crazy, which she said is also normal during pregnancy. To someone who is generally very aware of diet, nutrition, and exercise, this was really alarming, but at least I know this will be temporarily. Or well, I hope it will be. It better be…

Probably around 22-24 weeks into pregnancy, I started getting Braxton Hicks contractions. I’m not sure why they are called that, but they are essentially “fake” contractions where your stomach gets really hard, and it can be quite uncomfortable. They tend to last for a minute or more, sometimes even as long as 5-10 minutes, and then they stop, and your stomach relaxes and becomes softer. It’s a little unnerving in the beginning because they really come out of nowhere. They are tense and sometimes can make you short of breath, but they aren’t usually painful. The first few times I got them, I was running on the treadmill and had to slow down to catch my breath. They eventually go away once you change your sitting/standing/lying down position or if you just adjust your breathing. The idea behind them is that they are “practice” contractions, getting your body ready for the Big Day.

Since the third trimester started for me, these fake contractions have been hitting me regularly. I have them nearly every day, and today after dinner, I had my longest and most uncomfortable one yet; it felt like it lasted almost ten minutes. I felt uncomfortable walking, sitting, or lying down. Nothing was comfortable, and I felt a little short of breath. Eventually, it went away, but it still felt a little scary.

I’m trying to think through the birthing process and get through it by different types of meditation and affirmations. One of my favorite ones is “I can totally fucking do this” (I suppose that one is helpful with any challenge). Another one that is helpful is “I am stronger than this contraction.” Usually, pain is registered by your brain as danger, but pain with birth and labor is just telling you that your body is ready to birth your baby. So I need to re-frame the thought in my head to get through this.

I was looking at the calendar and wondering how time flew by during this pregnancy. I’m already in week 32 of pregnancy, and I still have all these cooking projects I want to do: no-knead brioche! Scallion milk bread! Browned butter miso chocolate chip cookies! Semi-traditional almond cookies! Passion fruit cake! More alfajores! Cream puffs! Will I actually accomplish making all these things, or will these go into a long, long back log of things I’ll make when I’m finally able to come up for air and breathe after the baby has arrived?

Nesting is defined as an instinct that finds moms-to-be preparing their homes (also known as their “nests”) for their baby’s impending arrival. While we have certainly been gathering items needed for Pookie Bear’s arrival, and I’ve been taking classes on childbirth, breastfeeding, etc., and also listening to endless podcasts about the birthing process and motherhood, the other kind of nesting that comes to mind is… just getting stuff done I want to do, like bake all these not-super-necessary things I noted above. Some of it may even be freezer friendly (I’m looking specifically at the scallion milk bread or the brioche, yum) to stock up on food to easily reheat or toast once baby arrives, once I don’t have much time or energy to make food. I also want to stock up on freezer-friendly, homemade food for our freezer so that we’re not reliant on takeout or delivery, as well. It’s a long list of things that have to get done, so I keep having short pep talks with Pookie Bear each day to take her time growing and wiggling around in my uterus, that she can’t come too early, otherwise we won’t fully be prepared for her. And doesn’t she want us to be physically and mentally prepared to take care of her and ourselves?

I’ve been quite lucky during my pregnancy in that I have not had any major pains or aches… other than that blip with sciatica from a couple of weeks ago. I knew that before the baby came, I wanted to indulge in a prenatal massage, especially given that with my growing belly, a regular massage would not be possible. Prenatal massages, almost by definition, are never going to be as “cheap” as a regular massage in Chinatown since they require a bit more special training for a pregnant person’s shifting gravity and specific needs. After my bout with sciatica, my doulas and my doctor also suggested I get a prenatal massage, as prenatal masseuses are also able to give suggestions for what may help, and their professional touch may help to alleviate pain/aches associated with sciatica and getting the baby in the right position for birth.

I recently downloaded the Peanut app in hopes of making nearby, local new-mom friends in the area. Peanut is basically like Tinder, where you swipe up and down for other moms in your area who could be potential friends/support/provide tiny friends for your future tiny person. Someone I had been having chats with here and there on Peanut suggested Remedy Massage on the Upper West Side for prenatal massage, and a specific masseuse there, as she was able to help with a lot of her pains throughout her pregnancy. So after reading some reviews, I made a reservation for a massage this morning, which was my day off, with a masseuse named Sharon. And I was really impressed right away. The make-shift table/bed they have you lie on is elevated with a special pillow/cushion for your belly to go into. And as soon as I laid down on it, stomach down, I felt ahhhhhhh. Soooo good. Sharon started softly but worked her way up in her firmness, and during those 75 minutes, I was in total bliss. She asked a lot of questions about my sciatica which I had noted in my original booking request, and she really focused on my IT bands and lower back, which are directly impacted by my sciatic nerve. She also suggested I get a slimmer pillow between my legs when sleeping at night, as that could actually be hyper-extending my right side, which is where the sciatica was occurring.

I totally get why people do prenatal massage, even if it is a very expensive and luxurious indulgence. It’s important for pregnant people to pamper themselves during this time since our bodies have the enormous task of growing a tiny new human. And once the baby comes, all the focus will be on the baby, and most people won’t care about how mom is doing. It’s a shame that this is yet another way that society devalues women. We have some of the hardest jobs in the world being the sole sex able to reproduce and make humans, yet our happiness, livelihoods, and health take a backseat, which is why postpartum care is significantly lacking in pretty much every western society on earth.

Week 30 was the last week I successfully ran or jogged for at least 15 minutes without immediately needing to pee. Then, I got sciatica in week 31 and had to stop running/jogging completely. Still to this day, even though it’s only been over a week since I experienced that awful pain, I can tell my right side is weaker than my left side. But I wondered whether I could still jog on the treadmill, so today, I tried it out for the first time since the sciatica occurred. Well, I tried, and for about two minutes, it felt just fine… until I could almost feel the weight of my baby’s head bouncing up and down, up and down, literally on top of my bladder, and I knew I had to stop the machine and go to the bathroom.

Welp, this isn’t going to work, I thought as I stopped the machine. The real reason to stop running during the third trimester is not so much that I’m not fit enough anymore, have too much weight now, or my lung capacity isn’t quite there anymore with an expanding uterus, but more that my baby really loves resting her head right on top of my bladder and making me want to pee, even when I have emptied my bladder just a minute before my run. So for cardio moving forward until the end, I guess it will just have to be walking on and off an incline and elliptical. I generally avoid the bike machine since I spend most of my day sitting, and I got a suggestion from the very first personal trainer I ever worked with during college at 24-Hour Fitness that when it comes to cardio, unless there’s a health problem, you should do the opposite for cardio of what you usually do during the day. So for example, if you have to stand most of the day for work, they recommend you use a rowing machine or bike for cardio. On the other hand, if you sit at a desk/computer during most of the day, it’s better for you to be standing (running, jogging, on an elliptical) for cardio work.

As Pookie Bear has been getting bigger, I am much more aware of all her movements. I can feel her distinctly when she is turning, rolling, undulating, kicking, wiggling her hands and feet. I can even differentiate now when she is hiccuping vs. actually moving. It is not only adorable, but it always fills me with this inner joy and calm every time I can feel her. So many other women have struggled and are currently struggling to conceive, whether it’s naturally or with fertility treatments, yet somehow I’ve been lucky enough to make it to this stage. Sometimes, I really can’t believe it. I don’t take a moment of this for granted, and every day, morning and night when I am rising or going to sleep, I give thanks for how far we’ve made it together. I’m 31 weeks pregnant now. It’s mind boggling to me that it feels like just yesterday when I was agonizing over the IVF retrieval results, wondering if the embryo transfer would “stick,” praying that for each progressing week after that first positive pregnancy test that I’d still continue to be and stay pregnant.

With her getting bigger and bigger, I can feel her wake up with me throughout the night when I have to urge to go pee. Sometimes, she is already having a party of her own, kicking and squirming and waving her hands down at my bladder when I wake up. And I wonder – why haven’t I been invited to that party? Or am I just a bit of a punching bag, or rather, is my bladder a punching bag for her, which is why in any average night during my third trimester, I’ve had to wake up three to six times to pee? And when I wake up in the morning, she wakes up with me, too, and she kicks and turns and makes her presence known.

I’ve loved every moment of being pregnant (well, minus the sciatica, which, knock on wood, is gone now, and the constant peeing). And despite the increase in weight and the additional cellulite on my thighs and the stretch marks on my hips, I love how my body has changed to accommodate and make room for her. It will be a bittersweet moment when all of this ends, when she is finally ready to come out and be born, as then she will be outside of my body and no longer a physical part of me. We will no longer be attached. She will no longer be physically dependent on me, but will be dependent on me in a different way — for nourishment, cleanliness, love, and support. It’s strange to think that this is all going to come to an end soon and will be a new beginning for the both of us. I hope I will remember these special moments with even her smallest movements, even when she is throwing tantrums or food or toys or even my favorite belongings in the future, because they have been some of my happiest. Soon, we won’t do everything together, but I will always look back at these times before she came into the world with warmth in my heart.

While on my short walk to dinner with a friend just 10 minutes away, I was thinking about how everyday a dinner with a friend currently is, and how it’s not going to be as easy once the baby comes. Going to the theater or a comedy show is just an everyday thing in New York, but all these seemingly everyday fun outings aren’t as simple with a child. In the future, I’ll have to think about who’s going to look after the baby when I am out, or if Chris will be able to, or if a friend or babysitter will be needed. That’s actually one downside of not having grandparents around: you don’t just automatically get free babysitting when you need it. And with friends, most friends won’t be willing or able (who wants to change diapers?!) to babysit, while others… well, their ability or trustworthiness with a tiny human who can’t fend for herself may be a bit questionable. Once upon a time, it would “take a village” to raise and look after a child. Now, it’s really just the parents assuming grandparents aren’t around, and whatever hired help they can find or afford. And when I had a pediatrician online consult today, she suggested that the baby not go on the subway or any public transportation until she at minimum has her first set of vaccines at around 2 months of age, which means that we’ll be restricted to places walking distance from our area, or Uber/cab rides.

Life changes pretty quickly with a new family addition. But my hope is that amidst all the lack of sleep, blow-outs, poop and pee everywhere, and disheveled household, that I’ll be able to enjoy these moments because babies grow up so fast. Time really flies quickly, especially the older I get. I can’t even believe we’re already in autumn of 2021 and that I’m now in my 31st week of pregnancy!

For the first time in almost a week, I actually fell asleep lying down last night. I couldn’t believe it. It actually felt like a miracle! Even though it was about 4-5 nights of pain and being forced to sleep sitting up, being able to sleep half on my side last night and partly on my back felt joyous and amazing, like a great feat that was achieved. It sounds ridiculous when you think about it, but it really felt that way to me. I was terrified that I’d have painful shooting sciatic pain for the rest of my pregnancy. It may come back depending on the changing position of the baby, but for now, I will enjoy my little respite.

A lot will change once the baby comes, as pretty much every professional, doctor, and parent will tell me. I’ll need to enjoy the seemingly little things or small moments, whether that is being able to sleep an hour or two at a time, getting outside for fresh air for just 10-15 minutes, having enough energy to prepare an actual from-scratch dish, or having what I perceive to be a full-on shower with my hair fully washed and towel dried. So I might as well start enjoying the small wins now while I can, and sleep as much as I can for as many uninterrupted periods (well, other than peeing what feels like every two hours).

Last night, we went to see the comedian Jo Koy at Radio City Music Hall. It was a much longer show than expected that also ended with a bit of a ’90s R&B concert series; Jo Koy can really sing!! Every time we’re at the theater, comedy, or at events where there’s lots of noise and social interaction, the baby tends to get a lot more active than usual, kicking and waving her hands all over the place, shifting, turning, and making her presence known. It’s almost like she knows that fun is outside of the womb, and she wants to be included in the action.

I’ve also noticed that recently, I think I can detect the difference between her movement and her hiccups. The movements are like more distinct kicks, turns, swivels, pushes, and waving, whereas the hiccups are like her whole tiny body shakes… which feels like my entire uterus shaking from being started. I suppose she is drinking in all the amniotic fluid, which is supposed to taste like what I am eating!