Our night nurse Cheryl has been a great help, support, and resource to us since day 2 of our baby’s life, when we returned home from the hospital. At 9pm sharp that evening, she showed up with her expertise and wisdom in tow. She has taught us how to properly swaddle (and not using the usual method), how to bathe our baby, how to manually stimulate her when constipated. She has given us tips for burping, for increasing my milk supply, and for ensuring the baby does not get gassy from the foods I eat. She is now helping us stretch her sleep so that hopefully in the near future, our baby can sleep through the night. Given she is with us on average about four nights a week, she has spent more time with the baby than anyone else other than the two of us.

She wasn’t very talkative in the beginning, but as time has gone on, she’s become more conversational and open about everything. She knew that I was struggling with my milk supply and encouraged me to keep going. She also has very strong opinions that “breast is best” and encouraged me to continue nursing despite the baby’s weak suck. She told me the story of one of her previous clients who was adamant about NOT breast feeding in any form, whether that was directly from the breast or pumping. She was dead set on her baby being 100% formula fed even before birth. As soon as she got home from the hospital and her milk came in, she asked her doctor to prescribe her medication to dry her milk supply up. Honestly, I felt pain hearing this; I have tried so hard to increase my milk supply, and then there’s this woman who wanted the total opposite and just didn’t want to give any breast milk to her baby. To each her own, but ouch.

Cheryl made it really clear she hated this approach, but hey, it was her client, so she had to keep her mouth shut and just deal with it. Every mother has their own journey and their own decisions to make, and that includes how to feed one’s child. “I think that’s really selfish, but hey, I don’t judge,” Cheryl said, rolling her eyes. “Everyone has to choose for themselves. I never said anything.”

Well, we are all entitled to our own opinions. I just thought it was funny that she had to try to pretend not to care while working for this client.

My nipples do not feel the way they did pre-breastfeeding. In fact, they do not look OR feel the same. They are incredibly pointy now, which can mostly be blamed on using my electric breast pump so often. I was even told that for some women, their nipples stay that way and never go back to normal!

When going to the gym these last few times, it was a challenge to figure out what bra to even wear. The first time, I squeezed myself into one of my pre-pregnancy sports bras, which fit fine throughout pregnancy, But now, my nipples almost felt like they were being squeezed in and being inverted, and my breasts definitely were not happy with me after. The second gym workout, I tried to go sans bra altogether and just with an oversized t-shirt, and that was also terrible: my breasts were bouncing up and down like I’d never experienced before while on the elliptical, and it was also just very uncomfortable. Finally, the third visit, I did what felt the most comfortable: I wore one of my pregnancy/nursing bras that I started wearing in the second trimester of pregnancy onward, and my breasts were not only supported but comfortable. Plus, my nipples had space to exist and breathe.

So who knows what my nipples will be like after my breastfeeding journey with Kaia is completed. They may remain pointy. They may go back to pre-pregnancy size and shape. All I know is that this experience has really amazed me in terms of how much my body can change just because I birthed a baby into the world.

Today, I finally decided to do my first workout since giving birth to the baby. I had already had my six-week postpartum checkup on Monday, and my doctor had cleared me for exercise. I was actually feeling up to it even before that but decided to hold off on it anyway… partly due to laziness, and partly due to just not being in the mood between feeds and pumps.

Well, I suppose I was a bit aggressive, as I started with a one-mile jog on the treadmill, followed by about 20 minutes of core and leg exercises. When I began the jog, I felt pretty comfortable and light on my feet. But as it progressed, I started feeling like someone had put weights on my pelvic floor region, and it felt quite heavy. I went for about ten minutes and stopped to stretch, then proceeded to do core and butt exercises, which felt pretty comfortable and normal. But it’s been hours since that workout, and my pelvic region still feels heavy. When I sneeze now, it feels similar to the discomfort I felt in my pelvic region shortly after giving birth. I guess my clearance for exercise really didn’t factor in pelvic floor health, huh?

Pelvic floor and its importance and care are really ignored by the entire mainstream medical community here, and it’s so sad and pathetic, especially given it is the norm in postpartum care in the EU. I will need to continue doing kegels and find other pelvic floor exercises to do in order to strengthen myself down there, but obviously with no help from my doctor. I guess running and jogging will need to be on pause until my pelvic floor strengthens, whenever that may be, and I’ll need to do low impact cardio like elliptical and walking until then.

During pregnancy, I gained about 27 pounds. A woman of healthy and average weight can generally expect to gain between 25-35 pounds during a singleton pregnancy, and so that basically means I was average in my weight gain, as well. Within the first week after giving birth, I lost 11 pounds. This is likely due to the baby (about 6 lb), plus the loss of the placenta, umbilical chord, as well as the amniotic fluid that protected the baby within the uterus. I was told that with breastfeeding and pumping, I would be back to my pre-pregnancy size and weight in no time. But I was checking my weight once a week each week since giving birth, and my weight loss so far has stagnated to just 12 pounds overall despite consistent nursing and pumping, which confused me. My stomach is almost back to pre-pregnancy size, and I assume that the excess flab I still have there is not from my uterus, but rather from the fat that my body created in my core to protect the womb. This just means that once I start going back to the gym more regularly that I’ll need to rely on exercise to get back to my pre-baby size and weight… whenever that will be.

In most western countries, in the weeks after birth, new moms are attended to with in-home nurse visits, pelvic floor therapy, and attentive medical services. In the U.S., you won’t see your OB until six weeks postpartum, and that will be for, at best, a 10-15 minute visit. Here, she will ask you how you are feeling (are you experiencing postpartum depression?), examine your vagina (or c-section wound, if you had a c-section) to see that the stitches have healed, and basically send you on your way and give you the seal of approval that you can move forth and have sex and exercise once again! It’s pretty ridiculous how basic it is, and it really highlights how little care women get in our society in general.

My doctor said that I was fully healed, which I already knew I was. She asked me what I was doing about birth control, and my gut reaction was to smile and let out a little laugh.

“Abstinence?” I responded, frankly. “I’m so exhausted and sleep deprived that the very last thing on my mind is sex!”

Even though I had technically healed, I didn’t fully feel “normal” down there. I cannot imagine having sex or even putting a tampon into my vagina at this point. How do people have sex in the few weeks after giving birth, and how the fuck do men try to force or guilt their partners to have sex….??? I’ve read too many awful stories about this and it makes me so sick… to my vagina.

After coming to terms with the fact that my baby had a poor suck and thus pour milk transfer, We had to revise her feeding schedule so that all of us would be a little bit more sane. What that entailed was reducing her nursing sessions from six times a day to four times a day, and also having me do one or two of the bottle feeds to relieve Chris. Unfortunately, my pumping increased from 6 to 7 times per day given my desire to become an exclusive pumper, but it is what it is and I chose this path… sort of.

The first time during the evening when I did a bottle feed for the baby after nursing her, I nearly started crying. It wasn’t that the bottle feeding was particularly cumbersome or emotional per se, but it was more the big eyes that she stared up at me with that got me. That evening, I nursed her on both breasts for about 20 minutes, and knowing that she would almost never get full off of my breasts given the poor milk transfer, I gave her the bottle I had prepared. But immediately, she seemed very confused. She looked up at me with these big, glassy eyes, as though to say, Why? Why are you giving me a bottle? I want the booby!  Then, she proceeded to move her face towards my breast and start biting my breast area, and I realized that this was exactly what she was trying to communicate to me. I want mommy’s boobies. I want to eat from your breasts. Why are you giving me a bottle? I want you.  

And that was what almost made me cry. I wanted to tell her, Mommy wants nothing more than to nourish you directly from her breasts, but unfortunately, we can’t do that because you have poor milk transfer and thus will never get full that way. We need to make sure that you are gaining weight and growing, and this is the most sustainable way for all of us. We don’t want you to get frustrated on the breast because you have to work so hard. We just want you to eat and be nourished. And in the meantime, mommy is trying her best to increase her milk supply without your help to get you as much breastmilk as possible.. Because you love mommy’s milk, and mommy knows this.

She is never going to understand that message now, and she may never understand that message even when she gets older. But I hope that someday, she will understand the sacrifices that I have chosen to make to ensure that she has the best life possible. And for now, in my opinion, the best life possible is her having as much breastmilk as possible.

Since the baby’s one-month appointment, I had often times wondered if pursuing the exclusive pumping path was even worth it for me. I had been disheartened, annoyed at, and frankly envious as hell of so many stories I had read of other women who had already developed freezer stashes by the one month mark, meaning that they were already over supplying milk to their baby to the point that they couldn’t feed it to them in four days, which is the longest amount of time you can leave breastmilk in the fridge safely and feed to your baby. So they had to freeze the milk for later consumption.

My pumping output to date had been pretty miserable. Granted, I had realized late in the game, by postpartum standards anyway, that my flange size was not correct, but my output was pretty dismal and not something to write home about. I was lucky to get 1 ounce of breastmilk during a 20-minute pump session. That’s for both breasts just to be clear. There was one time when I got 2 ounces, and I thought that was incredible. Occasionally, I was getting one and a half ounces, but I attributed that solely to luck. I was also still tinkering around with the Spectra pump settings, so I had not quite mastered optimal settings for my own body. Because unfortunately, pump settings and even the pump itself is not a one size fits all situation. The breast-feeding and pumping experience is extremely unique to each person, so one set of settings and even one pump could be optimal for one person and really terrible for another, which makes this even more vexing. 

The fact that this is process is more art than science is a huge frustration point for me, particularly because of the fact that women have been breast-feeding for centuries. This is not like some new thing that women are doing, so it’s ridiculous that we have not streamlined this process pretty much at all if you ask me.

So when the new Pumpinpal flanges arrived today, I got really excited and hopeful for the first time during this pumping journey. I immediately went to sanitize them and clean them, and I also knew that there was a learning curve in terms of the way that the section worked with these flanges, as a process of putting them on was not going to be the same as regular plastic flanges. You actually have to put each flange on one at a time and suction each on. The suction is actually what keeps the flange in place and provides the proper placement for the nipple within the flange, creating a comfortable set up for the nipple and just the right amount of movement for the nipple within the tunnel. If Pumpinpal flanges are placed correctly on the nipple, you should only see the tip of the nipple move in and out during a pumping session. They tell you that this is counterintuitive, which it is, and so I was interested to see how this all worked.

Having to place each flange on one at a time with the pump on was super frustrating initially. The learning curve being needed is definitely true based on what I read. The first few times I did this, I got really annoyed and wanted to give up. But granted, these flanges were not cheap: I had spent $66 on three sets of flanges in different sizes along with the spectra adapters. The reason they give you three sets in different sizes is they want you to see which size fits you best. The other annoying thing? Your nipple size may change throughout the day and depending on your mood or the amount of milk your breasts contain, so they also suggest changing up which flange you use based on this. I found out that two of the flange types actually fit me depending on what time of day it is. The extra small flanges always fit, while the small flanges fit occasionally and sometimes are even tighter than the extra small flanges if that makes any sense at all. So given the amount of money I had spent particularly relative to the amount of out of pocket I had to pay for the pump, which was $75, since insurance does not believe that you should have a battery to be mobile while pumping milk… I figured I had to be a little bit more patient than just trying he’s out for three times and then giving up. Plus, if I were to return these, I had to do it within 15 days and I would have to pay for the return postage, which I hate.

Probably about the fourth or fifth time I placed these flanges on correctly, I pumped for 20 minutes and was completely shocked: I had pumped over 2 ounces of milk. to be exact, I had pumped 75 mL of breastmilk. It was the most breastmilk I had ever pumped in a single session to date, and I was completely floored looking at the bottle of combined milk from both breasts. I recognize that this is a very small amount for a lot of women, but for me, this was almost life-changing. I was doing a little bit of breast compression, but I actually did not need to do as much as I normally did with the stupid plastic spectra flanges because… These actually fit correctly. That would relieve my cubital tunnel issues a LOT.

At last, during my pumping journey, I finally had a glimmer of hope with these flanges. Now, I had a reason to be excited for each future pump session. Maybe I actually could produce more milk. I just had to give these flanges and my breasts more time. I had only wished I knew that I had elastic nipple sooner, but you really do not know if you have elastic nipples until you start pumping, so this is not really something that you can check before you give birth unfortunately. There is hope now.