Thanks to former President Barack Obama, women across this country who are employed by companies of a certain size were entitled to dedicated spaces for pumping breast milk after coming back from maternity leave. On top of that, they were also entitled to having their breast pump covered by insurance, as well as replacement parts, after the initial purchase. I placed my order via insurance for my breast pump back in November, and the company they are going through notified me a week ago that I was ready for replacement parts if I’d like them, so of course, I requested them. What I was not prepared for was that the replacement parts were just for one breast.

This is what the box says:

Spectra Premium Accessory Kit

Contents:

Breast shield

Back-flow protector

Valve

Tubing

Bottle

Bottle Cap

Disk

Bottle Cover

So in case you are not familiar with pumping, the ideal setup, especially if you own a breast pump that allows for double pumping, which means pumping milk from both breasts… is that you WILL double pump for more efficiency. So the above contents are just for one breast, as each piece is singular. So what does this mean — American healthcare via my health insurance recognizes that I only have ONE boob and not two?????

This is truly American healthcare at its finest. This is beyond embarrassing that to call this a SNAFU (situation normal: all fucked up) would genuinely be an understatement.

And if you are pumping exclusively or pumping as much as I do (that’s 6-7 times per day), it’s recommended you replace your parts every month, not every three months as insurance will cover. And you would need to replace them for both boobs. So thanks, American health insurance, for only recognizing half of my boob inventory.