Nationwide formula shortage

Since the formula recall that happened by a major American brand earlier this year, it seems like families of babies everywhere are panicking in an attempt to get formula. And as of late, there is actually a real palpable formula shortage: depending on the state where you reside, there is up to a 40 percent out-of-stock rate for formula brands. In the mom groups I am in, many moms are asking about the availability of specific brands across all of New York City and which stores/locations may carry them. Others are asking to buy cans off of other families. In a friend’s local mom group, someone asked if someone would be willing to *donate* their can of Bobbie formula, which is the formula we supplement with that is modeled after EU formula for purity and quality of ingredients. For some babies, they have sensitive tummies or specific allergies, so they can only take certain formulas. This is a really scary and tragic situation across the board. The thought of babies starving or dying really tears me up.

We have several cans of Bobbie that we purchased in advance, not to mention a few cans of Australian formula that Chris’s parents are planning to bring when they come in a few weeks. I am grateful that we have a decent formula supply to keep us going to supplement my breast milk, which is the majority of my baby’s diet, thankfully. But the shortage does worry me. My period hasn’t yet returned, and many sources and moms I know have warned me that once my period returns, I can see very noticeable drops in my milk supply. I have no idea what my drop could be, if it happens at all, and so I have no idea how much formula we may need to supplement in that event.

But I suppose one thing this shortage has made me think about is how grateful once again that my body has been able to get my supply up to where it is now. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get my milk supply up to be the majority of my baby’s diet, but here we are. I am beyond thankful for my milk supply status now. All of those months power pumping really did pay off in the end. The nationwide formula shortages have also sparked many conversations in the pumping mamas Facebook group I am in; it’s even encouraged moms to keep pumping and even power pump to increase supply when they were originally planning to wean or just stop pumping altogether because it was too arduous and exhausting. I can only hope that I will continue to produce and at minimum, stay at the level of milk supply I am at now to keep my baby going until she is at least 1 year old. It would be amazing if I could go longer than that, but that’s my goal right now to keep giving her pumped breast milk.

infant Tylenol in the US has high fructose corn syrup

One of the reasons that formula always made me angry, particularly in this country, is that many formulas are made with high fructose corn syrup. There is absolutely no reason that high fructose corn syrup, or any type of sweetener for that matter, should be added to infant formula. That serves as a cheap, empty caloric way to fatten up a baby, and that is just garbage to me. And what grossed me out further is that in a follow up appointment with the nurse practitioner/lactation consultant at the doctor’s office, When we learned that the baby was not gaining weight, she actually recommended a formula that had high fructose corn syrup in it… This specific formula was supposed to be easy on tummies and provide “total comfort.” 

We used it for a short time, given it was a sample, and when we finished it, I refused to continue buying it out of principle. I was very unhappy that we fed our baby infant formula that had high fructose corn syrup in it at all. And I told myself that there was no way moving forward that I would let her have any other formula that had this crap in it.

 Well, I was true to my word. We have not given her formula that had high fructose corn syrup in it since. But what we discovered today, to my complete disgust once again, is that the infant Tylenol that we have been giving her when she has had teething pains has high fructose corn syrup in it! Chris found out by accident. He wasn’t even looking at the ingredients. Then he realized that the sweetener in the Tylenol was high fructose corn syrup. This is infant Tylenol, the branded pain killer! What the hell is wrong with this stupid ass country?? I cannot even trust that basic over the counter medication that I feed my baby, who is not even one year old, will not have high fructose corn syrup in it! This country has 5 million problems, and one of them is that we just want to feed our children with empty calories just because of some bullshit corn subsidies that make it cheaper to sweeten things. And we wonder to ourselves… How do young people get fat and obese so soon and so early? Well, it starts with things like this. The fact that I didn’t even bother to check the ingredients list on the infant Tylenol before buying it… I didn’t even think I had to. I always check ingredients list on food and packaged items, and especially all of the infant formula that we have considered and/or purchased. But now I feel bad that I didn’t even check the medication ingredient list for my baby. In a perfect world, or rather in a country that actually cares about its young people, particularly its babies, I would not even have to check the medication ingredients list to ensure that this crap was not in it. But apparently, in this country, I do. And that is just so sad.

Full milk supply

A full milk supply for a breastfeeding mother is considered somewhere between 600 to 1200 mL per 24-hour period. As you would probably think looking at this, that is a huge range. On average though, based on what I have read, it actually should be at least 720 mL per day once your baby is between 1 to 6 months of age. Over 1000 mL per day is considered a bit of an over supply. But alas, every baby is different and has a different appetite level. I was taking a look at my last seven day average of breastmilk output, and I realized that I was averaging 744 ml, or almost 25 ounces. There were days when I made over 25 ounces, and then there were the days when I made just over 24 ounces. And even though I still am not making 100% of what my baby needs, I still couldn’t really believe it when I looked at these numbers. 

Once upon a time, within my baby’s first month of life, I struggled to produce even 1-1.5 ounces per pump session. I had a late start to pumping. I had no idea then that a weak suck was preventing my baby from effectively removing milk from my breasts. She was on my boobs all the time that first week, yet I had no clue that she wasn’t eating enough. I only pumped a handful of times in her first week of life… Because I was naïve and ignorant. I thought to myself, I don’t need to pump that much. She’s on my breasts on all the time. She had a good latch according to what the lactation consultant at the hospital said. And the breast-feeding course I took plus all the breastfeeding guides I read said that the latch was the most important thing, so there was no way anything could be wrong, right? So I didn’t really pump much until after she was one week old – that’s when I started pumping 3 times a day… which was inadequate if you read any exclusive pumping guide. I didn’t pump six times a day until she was two weeks old. And I didn’t pump seven times a day until she was over four weeks old. I didn’t use the right flange size until she was five weeks old. I didn’t even start pumping for 30 minutes until she was four weeks old. I didn’t learn my pump settings and how to effectively get the most milk out until about six weeks. I had a lot to learn and teach myself, through my own experience, trial and error, the Facebook pumping mama‘s group, and the exclusive pumping website. 

When I was about four weeks postpartum, I seriously considered giving up altogether. I felt like I was a failure. I wasn’t producing enough for my baby to eat, and I felt like I was spending all my time with a stupid breast pump instead of bonding with my baby. I was so angry at the world, at myself, at the crappy lactation consultants I met with in person at the hospital and at the pediatrician’s office. The pediatrician of all people told us our baby had a weak suck that would be inefficient at removing milk from my breasts, not either of the LCs we saw in person. It was such a simple test: to just stick your finger in her mouth when she was hungry to see how hard she sucked, and neither LC did this! I was angry that I missed the window of the first two weeks of my baby’s life to really establish a good milk supply by consistently removing milk from my breasts. If you read any breast-feeding support group, every single person emphasizes that the first two weeks are critical in terms of building your milk supply. You either need to be nursing effectively every 2 to 3 hours or pumping every 2 to 3 hours for the first two weeks, otherwise it will be just that much more challenging to get a full milk supply. Well, I didn’t know that then. I was so bitter and beyond upset. But I was determined not to give up. I had to give all of my new learnings a chance, plus the $60 package of flanges that I just purchased. And, I read that most struggling breast-feeding moms, whether they are nursing or pumping, give up at the six week mark. And there was no way in hell that I was giving up that soon. I ate oatmeal every single day from the morning after we returned from the hospital. I still eat it every single day. I drink an insane amount of water every single day to stay hydrated. I power pumped for over two months every single day to get my supply up (“that is such shit,” said an Australian friend who had exclusively breastfed/nursed both of her babies and only ever had to pump one breast occasionally). Power pumping is likely the only thing that really worked, which makes sense. Because again, milk removal builds milk supply. Nothing else.

Now, when I wake up and do my first morning pump, I produce 8 to 9 ounces; my Spectra bottles are nearly full, which I always dreamt of seeing but never thought was possible at 4 weeks postpartum. And every subsequent pump, I usually get between 3 to 5 ounces. On average now, I am feeding my baby over 80% of her total daily needs. That means that the majority of her diet is breastmilk. I would love to tell that stupid lactation consultant at the doctor’s office that I don’t have low supply like she said. Look at my output now, bitches! I needed to have more milk removed from my breast back then. Because the key to milk supply is milk removal, not the useless supplements that she told me to take. And no, I am not the problem. I never was. My problem was that I didn’t have the right support. I am 21 weeks postpartum now and somehow, against everything that I read, my supply is still slowly creeping up. Most people told me that my supply would regulate at around 12 weeks, which is considered general knowledge. Some people have supplies that continue to increase, but that is rarer than the supplies that decrease or stay the same at 12 weeks and beyond. And also against what I thought would happen, after dropping pump sessions, my supply actually continued to creep up. When I dropped my seventh pump, I was producing about 20 ounces per day, But I told myself I had to start reducing pumps in order to get my sanity back. Twenty ounces per day with seven pumps became 22 ounces per day with six pumps, which then became 24 to 25 ounces with five pumps a day and no overnight pumping. 

I am so happy that I kept going and did not give up. Even though I am still not giving my baby 100% of her needs, I am grateful to my body for what it has been able to do, to go against the odds with the late start for exclusive pumping and continue to produce more and more milk to feed my baby. And when I look at the growth over time in terms of my output since January, I feel really proud. The numbers graphed out look amazing. If you told me in January that by May, I would be producing 25 ounces of breast milk per day, I would have told you that you were way too optimistic. But here we are. I am still hopeful that I will produce beyond 25 ounces regularly, but we shall wait and see.

Pumping has been hard as hell. This is not how I imagined primarily feeding my baby, but here we are. Nursing did not work out, but this is the next best thing for her and for me. Pumping is likely one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever had to do, but even in the hardest and most emotional times, I have never regretted doing this for my baby. In some way, I look at pumping as the way that I have mourned not being able to exclusively nurse her.  But I also look at it as yet another sacrifice that a mother makes for her child. This time will soon come to an end, and as it starts winding down, I can already see myself getting sad and emotional to think that my breast-feeding journey with her will be ending. But that just means the start of the next era of our life together.

Postpartum anxiety

It was my second day back at work, virtually, and I set up a couple of catch ups with some colleagues that I am friendly with. One of them has shared that one of my other colleague friends was out on leave… Indefinitely. This colleague had given birth in June last year, and I had spoken with her quite a bit when she came back to work. She had been doing really well then and had a very easy breast-feeding journey… Which she acknowledged she was so lucky to have. She had been in the process of weaning off of nursing and pumping, and it appears that the hormonal changes of weaning really affected her negatively. She had gone through some emotional downward spirals and needed to take time off from work. My colleague told me that it was doubtful that she was going to return. I was completely shocked.

She had had a really smooth pregnancy, a precipitous labor, meaning that end to end, her labor was less than seven hours, and her breast-feeding journey was immediately successful. So this news of her experiencing postpartum anxiety was completely unexpected. I felt really terrible when I heard this and immediately reached out to her to see how she was doing. 

Unfortunately, I know based on what I have read that postpartum depression and anxiety are not just confined to the first few months after birth. Postpartum depression can actually affect mothers nine months, 12 months, even 18 months later due to hormonal changes, not to mention shifts in lifestyle, meaning a return to work, bringing a child to daycare, a mother’s changing body and weight, etc. It’s hard to know when and how it could potentially affect you. So far, my postpartum journey has been relatively smooth, and the only real negatives, other than the rocky breast-feeding journey (that I didn’t realize was rocky until I found out my baby wasn’t gaining weight…) and my slightly unhealthy obsession with pumping and increasing my milk supply, was the effect on my elbows and wrists, as well as my new mommy thumb condition. I have been decreasing the motions that cause the pain as much as possible as well as doing exercises to help relieve the pain. I definitely don’t feel as terrible as I did in February. And although I am back to work, as my work friend’s situation has shown me, my postpartum journey is still not over. Hopefully, things will continue looking up for me.

To hold our little ones a little tighter

This morning, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and came across a post in the one IVF support groups that I stayed in. The person posting said that she had gone through a couple of egg retrievals and just one embryo transfer. That embryo transfer resulted in her getting pregnant and giving birth at 38 weeks. But… the baby was stillborn. There was no explanation for it. She had a smooth and straightforward pregnancy. There were zero signs of any dangers. Even during labor, everything looked normal, or so they said. She said that she was currently in therapy to process all of this, but she wanted to start thinking about next steps after her body healed.

She was debating whether she should move forward with the second frozen embryo or do another retrieval to bank more eggs. My heart ached when I read this post. It almost felt like she was someone I knew personally when I read this story. I felt so horrible and couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. Just the mere thought of having to go through multiple IVF cycles and then being nearly at the finish line… with no baby to bring home just hurt so much. I kept on looking at my own baby. And all day today, I cuddled a little bit more with her, I kissed her a little more, and I held her a little bit tighter. I tell her every single day before bed how grateful I am to have her. She is my most incredible gift in life. There is not a moment when I don’t remember this. I always remember these sad stories and think…. That easily could have been me. But it wasn’t. I was blessed with a successful IVF experience and a healthy baby girl. Not everyone is so lucky and fortunate.

Each year in this country, about 24,000 babies are stillborn. This number has been consistent every year for over 20 years now, yet little additional research and study is being done to solve for this. Yet somehow, SIDS deaths get far more research money and attention even though the number of deaths resulting from SIDS is about 2,000 per year — that’s one TWELFTH of the babies affected by still birth. I don’t understand why not more is being done to prevent stillbirths. I just can’t even begin to fathom the pain of that loss… of taking an empty car seat home from the hospital.

Eyes that still bulge when they see the boobies

Many weeks ago, I stopped nursing the baby before her bottle. Chris suggested it since it would make the feedings more efficient. And while it made me sad to stop, I knew that it was for the best. It would make the day smoother. She would get her main food faster. And I would nurse her only when she got fussy perhaps due to pre-teething or when she needed a little extra after a bottle feed. I was still technically breast-feeding her because I was still pumping as much milk as I could, but I just wasn’t having as much direct breast to mouth contact anymore. The main time that I would nurse her would be before bedtime for the night after her last feed, when she needed an “aperitif” as Chris calls it. I would put her on my boob until she was satisfied, whether that was from the extra milk or just being soothed from being on the breast. I look forward to this time every night when it’s just the two of us in the bedroom together, and she is on my boob and I am caressing her hair and her face and relishing these quiet moments of just the two of us together in the darkness and peace. 

Although I will always be sad that I was never able to successfully nurse her exclusively, it will always make me smile when I think about how much she loves my boobs. In the morning when I get up and say good morning to her while she is in the bassinet for her morning nap after her first feed, I usually have the straps on my nursing top undone, so my breasts are exposed to get ready for my first morning pump. And it is the cutest and most hilarious thing when I poke my head into her bassinet to say good morning, and she immediately makes eye contact with me and smiles. And predictably, her eyes move down from my face directly to my breasts, and it’s like her eyes almost bulge out with excitement. Her mouth opens wide and she is just nearly jumping out of her skin. She starts kicking her legs and flailing her arms as though she is trying to say, get me on those boobies right now! She just loves the boobs. If she had it her way, she would be on my boob all day and all night. And this thought always makes me smile and feel happy. My baby loves me. My baby needs me. And even if she isn’t able to get her nourishment directly from my breast, she still loves spending time on my breast. She loves being with me. She is soothed from being on my boobs. And at this point in time, I have made peace with it. I am still her mother. I am still able to soothe and take care of her. I am still able to provide her food from my breasts, pumped into a bottle. And these are all amazing things. These are all things that I am constantly grateful for.

Maternity leave is nearing its end

I can’t believe that I’m already in my 19th week of maternity leave. That means that I’m almost 19 weeks postpartum, which also means my baby is almost 19 weeks old. Time has gone by so quickly that I almost want to just freeze time so that I can really enjoy all these little moments with my baby close to me. I was packing up some of her newborn and 0-3 month old clothing and getting a little emotional about it. It reminded me of the conversation I had recently with my friend, who told me she was really sad to organize and bag up all of her 18-month old daughters’ clothes to hand down to me.

“This is the first and only girl I’ll have,” she said. She’s scheduling an embryo transfer for boy embryos moving forward so that they can have one girl and one boy. “It just made me so sad to think she’s my one and only girl.” She said her husband didn’t get why she was being so emotional about it.

I get it, though. Even though my baby was slow to gain weight in the beginning, once we got her on track, she’s been growing very nicely and along the curve. She’s getting longer and longer every day; in the next month or so, we’ll likely need to transition her out of her bassinet into her crib. Every time she squawks or shrieks or lets out what sounds like a little laugh, I just want to bottle it all up so that I can hear it over and over and remember these moments. Even when I was sleep deprived, even when I wanted to throw my breast pump out the window and give up on pumping, even when she’s had her fussy moments with her spitting up and pre-teething pain, I always remembered in the back of my head just how lucky I was to even be dealing with her fussiness; I have a baby who needs me. She’s healthy and growing. She’s my baby. It makes me sad to think that she could be my first and only child, that this could be my one and only time ever experiencing raising a newborn, doing tummy time with a baby, breastfeeding a baby. It all seems to be coming and going too quickly. Even in the frustrating moments noted previously or when having the inevitable argument with Chris about something baby related, I’ve still felt so thankful to have her. I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my life than having her as my baby, than being able to call myself a mother. It’s not like anything I’ve done is unique or novel given that obviously, women have been giving birth since the beginning of time, but I really do mean it: I have never felt so amazed at what my body has been capable of doing, in growing this tiny human, and giving me the greatest gift of my life.

Pushing milk out of your breasts

Since dropping pumps, not only have my pump sessions become longer to fully empty, but I have also had to do more breast compressions. I particularly have to do more of these in my first morning pump when my boobs are super full of milk, lumpy , and they are nearly rock hard. I was also told by my Cleo lactation consultant that I needed to spend a little bit more time massaging my breasts first thing every morning before pumping to loosen any potential clogs that could be there. This would also make it easier for the milk to come out.  While I was fine doing the extra breast massaging, doing more breast compressions at this point is really, really exhausting. I have given myself numb fingers as well as mommy thumb and wrist pain from all of the breast compressions that I have done during pumping. My mommy thumb condition does not really seem to be getting better. Some days, it is more tolerable than others, but the pain still persists depending on the type of movement my thumb does. Even the term mommy thumb is a misnomer because the pain is not actually in my thumb. The pain results from movement of my thumb, but the pain is actually in my wrist because of the tendons that are connected to my thumb. See? That’s another interesting thing that you learn as a pumping Mama: you learn more about how everything in your body is connected.

So every morning, on top of my extra breast massaging, I have to spend more time pushing down on my boobs to get the milk out. I am literally pushing milk out of my breasts every morning to get the milk out not just for my baby to eat, but also so that I do not get clogged. And so as I do this every morning, I think to myself, Do cows get milk clogs? They don’t have hands. So how would they get their milk clogs out?? What other animals in the animal kingdom get clogged milk ducts…? 

When Beddy Bear burns your boobs

When you are pumping milk, a number of best practices should be followed in order to maximize the milk that you produce for each pump session. Some of these include applying heat to and massaging your breasts before pumping, breast compressions while pumping, and making sure to moisturize your nipples with something that is baby safe like shea butter to prevent cracking or drying out. I usually do all of these things, but I especially applied heat a lot during the first several months of pumping, particularly because it was just very cold since we were in the dead of winter. I used different types of heating pads that needed to be boiled and rehydrated over the stove, and while I used them pretty religiously for the first three months, I got tired of how much preparation went into rehydrating them every single day, multiple times per day, particularly since at that point, I was pumping seven times per day. I ended up reserving the heat pads mostly for my last evening pump as well as my middle of the night pumps. That reduced the amount of heat pad preparation that I had to do. In the beginning, Chris would always boil all of the heat pads for me, but as time went on, I ended up doing it myself and got annoyed at the tedious process. But then, I remembered while rummaging through one of our closets that we had Beddy Bear. 

Beddy Bear is a teddy bear that has raw rice stuffed into his belly. You warm him up in the microwave for about 2 1/2 minutes, and then he basically is a heat pad for you, without any need to rehydrate over boiling water on the stove. This certainly beats waiting for water to boil in a large pot and then allowing the heat pads to rehydrate for about 20 minutes every single time I use them. Because he was so low maintenance, I started just using him to heat up my boobs for certain pump sessions. And he was working quite well. Well, that is… until he actually burned me. A couple days ago, I heated him up for my last evening pump session, and when I put him on my breast, I must have been very sleepy because a few seconds later, I felt a strong burning sensation on the top of boob. I immediately removed him and touched my breast. Crap, I thought. I think I might have overheated him. Or did I? He must have gotten too hot, and I probably should have waited for him to cool a bit before I put him on my breasts. 

The next morning after my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that the bruises that are on the top of my breast from breast compressions had gotten even more conspicuous and darker. I looked closely at my breasts in the mirror: ahhhh, I thought. These new bruises are burn marks from Beddy Bear! I can’t believe my teddy bear burned me! And this is all just for breast milk for my baby… 

I thought this before, and I still believe this now: breast-feeding is truly a mother’s gift to her child. It is completely selfless and done 100% out of pure love and the desire to give our babies the most we possibly and physically are able to give. Being a pumping mama is hard ass work, but I have not regretted a second of it. I love watching my baby thrive and grow while primarily having my breast milk as her main form of food. I will always be a little bit sad that nursing did not work out for us, but I am grateful for my milk production, even when it was not that great in the beginning, and even now, when it is still shy of 100% meeting my baby’s needs. I am grateful that I have this opportunity and privilege to feed my baby with food from my own body.

Taking forever to empty my breasts

Ever since I started dropping pump sessions, I have been taking forever to empty. I used to pump for about 30 minutes each session, and now, I am noticing that I have to pump until at least 40 to 45 minutes in order to get the same output that I got previously with just 30 minutes. This is really really frustrating. Sometimes, I end up staying connected to my breast pump for an entire hour. This is supposed to be fairly common unfortunately: I’d read about this happening for a lot of women in my Facebook pumping mamas group, plus my Cleo lactation consultant says this is normal, as well. This is not necessarily the end of the world, as because my pump is battery operated, I do not need to be stuck to a wall. I can actually move about the apartment, and most of the time while I am pumping, I am playing with my baby on the floor. But it is definitely not convenient to have bottles stuck and connected to my nipples. I cannot do exactly everything that I could be doing without the pump connected  because of this. On top of that, my total time connected to a pump is actually longer now than it was when I was doing seven pumps per day. This was not how I was envisioning pumping at five times per day, which is what I am currently at. Plus, in just a couple of short weeks, I am going back to work. Granted, I am lucky in that I am not going back into an office, and that instead, I am going to be working from home at my desk in the second bedroom, so I can still pump while I am at home without being forced to go into a tiny, windowless and soulless pumping room for moms. However, I do not necessarily want to be pumping milk during all of my meetings. I am planning to block out my calendar twice during the workday to pump milk, and so during that time, I will not be doing any video meetings or external meetings. But I was originally envisioning that my pumping breaks would only be 30 minutes. It’s not a big deal for me to be connected to a pump while I am outside of work hours, but this can get really annoying once I am actually doing work meetings again. And I already do all of the things that have been recommended to me to empty faster: I do breast compressions. I apply heat. I massage my breasts before I pump. I have played around with the settings to see what else can empty me faster, but I was already doing that, anyway.

This is annoying, but this still beats pumping seven times per day, every three hours during the day and every four hours at night. I have to wash my pump parts two times less than I did previously. My output per pump is a lot higher now, which makes pumping feel a lot more gratifying now. I am going to get through this.