Category Archives: Friends

75 vs. 75

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Last night, I had dinner at a Georgian restaurant with my 9th grade English teacher, who I’ve kept in touch with since I graduated from high school. When I look back at my childhood, I realize that I am very fortunate to have developed positive, lasting relationships with a couple of my teachers, who were always positive role models for me. They were people who always genuinely cared and showed interest in me, not just as a student, but as a person. My former teacher and now friend was in town visiting from San Francisco, and so we got together for dinner to catch up, as I hadn’t seen her since the last time I was back home last August.

Every time I see her, I am reminded of all the “what could be” situations with my parents. She and my dad are the same age — they are both 75. Yet somehow, my dad leaves this drab, mundane life where he literally does the same boring things every day that do not give him any joy. He eats the same foods, spends time on YouTube and the internet, and grumbles about prices going up, inflation, politics, and the works. He has no friends to socialize with, nor does he seem to care. He has zero curiosity about the world. He’s not really learning anything new or doing anything new. He has no desire to go anywhere or see anything different. He doesn’t even have the desire to come to New York to visit me, his only living child. And my mom, though she would want to travel, is held back because of my dad. She feels like she has to take care of him, as though he’s another child under her wing.

My former teacher and friend, on the other hand, lives the most fruitful, fun, and colorful life: she takes dance classes two days a week. She regularly does arts and crafts (scrapbooking, textiles, and painting), takes a watercoloring class, and has lots of friends who she is constantly meeting up with and traveling to visit. She is always “busy” in a positive way; she aims to be happy and fill her life with people and things and activities that bring her joy and spark her passion. She makes the most of her life, and she doesn’t let the fact that she’s 75 years old stop her. For her, age is a number, not an excuse to do or not do certain activities.

I always think that my parents could benefit to be around someone like this friend. If they were just a fraction of her, they’d be so much happier and more fulfilled. You’d never guess seeing or listening to her that she’s in the same age range as my parents. She is vibrant, full of life and zeal. It’s unfortunate that I can’t get my parents to see life in a more positive way like she does.

Omakase night out and reflections on how amazing NYC is

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I took my friend out for a much belated birthday celebration at a Japanese restaurant in Chelsea this evening. We sat at the counter for our 17-course omakase meal. As much as I love spending time with my Kaia Pookie and keeping her in a routine, it was nice to go out and get a little dressed up, and not have to worry about maneuvering a stroller up and down the subway stairs or into a narrow restaurant.

While at the restaurant, we sat next to a couple that was celebrating the wife’s birthday. We made some small talk and talked about Japan, California, food, and how we all got to New York City. They had previously spent the last eight years living in Japan, half the time in Tokyo and half the time in western Japan. Six of those years were spent teaching English. Though they are both from California originally, they decided to move out to New York after leaving Japan for job opportunities. They talked about how easy and affordable it was in Japan, no matter where they went, to get fresh, tasty, and affordable sushi, and how this is pretty much never the case here in the U.S. and how much they missed it.

I suppose when you live in a place for a long time, there’s always going to be things you will miss about it once you leave. It made me think about living here in New York, and what I would miss once we eventually leave this city. I think out of all the things I’d miss most, it would most definitely be the sheer diversity and variety of people here (which means, the craziest variety of food available!!); based on where I’ve traveled and what I’ve read and heard, I really do not think there’s a more diverse city in the entire world where you could probably be exposed to people from all ends of the earth in one single place. Queens itself is the most diverse place on earth, and that’s just ONE part of New York City! I will always have Queens pride and be proud of the fact that I spent my first four years in New York living in Queens. I’m even getting excited about going back to the specific area, Elmhurst, again this Friday to meet with friends for lunch. I feel like it’s always a mini adventure here in every neighborhood, and I’ve already been here for 15+ years.

Music class with little friends

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Kaia had two more class credits to use up before the summer was up with Little Maestros music class. I wouldn’t have found this task so annoying if it weren’t for the fact that Little Maestros primarily has classes on weekdays. Only during the summer for about 2.5 months do they have two options for a Saturday class, but both sessions, at 10am and 11am, are on the East Side of Central Park by 79th Street, so it’s not the most convenient area for us to get to. Granted, it takes about 25 minutes to walk through the park to get there, but when you’re pushing a stroller, sometimes as you’d imagine, it can be a bit longer.

So I thought it would be fun to consolidate and do one music class session there, and use the second class credit with my friends and their daughter, who is about 8 months younger than Kaia and recently celebrated her birthday. So this was kind of like her belated birthday “experience” gift. We could make it into a music class/day at the park/lunch outing, and so we ended up doing that.

It was really cute seeing Kaia in the music class today. It’s one of the only music classes she’s attended where she could walk, so of course, she was running around everywhere, whether it was up to the performers while they were singing, around other families (with far less mobile babies), and even out of the class area to the walking path, where other park goers were just wandering around. Of course, she knew she was being cheeky and giggling every time I ran after her. When she was running around, I realized looking around at the class (it was actually quite a large group, and in most cases, couples came with their baby or babies, and even friends and grandparents came) that she was probably one of the older children there because she was the only one who was running around. Most of the other babies looked so young that they were unlikely to even be crawling yet.

But what I found the funniest and cutest about the time Kaia had with my friend’s 1-year old today was that I told Kaia that she had to share her Little Maestros instruments with her friend. And as soon as Kaia saw the friend take one of the instruments, she immediately started taking all the other toys and shoving them into the box, then put the box behind her back away from the friend. Kaia then put her hands over the box, as though to shield it from anyone else touching it. And I insisted to Kaia that she had to take turns and that the toys were for both of them today, not just her. Eventually, she was okay with “turn taking,” but it took a little coaxing for her to ease up her grip on the toys that she wasn’t even playing much with. Talk about toddler possessiveness!

Even though Kaia will always be my baby and I will always look at her like she’s a baby, today’s class made me realize even more exactly how much she has grown and matured. She really is a true toddler now and not really a baby anymore. She’s also expressing herself more and more and asserting her wants, likes, and dislikes constantly, and I’m just trying to keep up with all of it and not let her turn into an entitled brat. With the “turn taking” today, I cannot even imagine what she’d be like with a little sibling!!

Eating dinner out: how it’s different with a baby/toddler

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My friend suggested going out to eat next Friday night, but I told her that I wouldn’t be able to go out (or, at least, not that far) because Chris already had tentative plans to go out to eat with his friends, and so I’d need to be with Pookster. She responded that she could still come over, and suggested we could still eat out and just take Kaia with us.

While that sounds like an easy solution… it’s not as easy as a non-parent would think. Kaia really shouldn’t stay out too late given her age, and to keep her on schedule (and away from crankiness), we need to keep her bedtime at around 7-7:30. So that means we would need to eat early, closer to 5-5:30pm when she typically eats, and ease her into her sleepy time before then. A lot of people think parents are just being inflexible with schedules, but schedules are what babies and toddlers need to thrive. They need a schedule and a level of predictability in a world of chaos. It keeps them grounded, and it prevents things like tantrums, hunger, and over-tiredness, which then results in baby mood swings.

What’s likely going to happen is that we’ll probably get takeout somewhere. I’ll pick Kaia up a bit early from daycare, and we’ll eat at home and hang out until she has to go to bed. It’s much easier to hang out with friends with baby in tow during the day as opposed to dinner time for this reason. It’s a temporary adjustment given the stage of life we’re currently in now. But as with all stages, it has its time and is temporary, so I’m happy with it because I know it will pass.

When you have no parents and no family

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Today, we went to Industry City to meet up with a couple we met at a food/beer event about two years ago. Every subsequent time I see them, I learn a little more about the childhood of the woman in the couple, who seems like she’s had… quite an ordeal through her life. Her mom abandoned her at birth. Her dad abandoned her twice, once when she was years old, and again when she was about 15 years old. She was primarily raised by her grandmother, but even then, the relationship was restrained and not very loving. So she’s never really had any real “family” experience or felt like she belonged anywhere. In fact, she didn’t really come to understand what “family” even meant until she married her now husband about 11 years ago. That was really the beginning of when she started feeling like she had family.

It’s such a strange thought to think about not having any family or place of belonging at all, especially given that Mother’s Day is tomorrow. Many of us have parents who we have great, strained, or tumultuous relationships with, but regardless of the status or depth of the relationship, the relationship still exists… or existed. In this friend’s case, she has no one to call her parents or to refer to when she discusses where she came from. And it seems like such a painful, lonely thought. But she’s done quite well for herself and wants to do so much good in her life. She’s active in her neighborhood and serves on her community board. She’s done development and strategy work to improve the lives of children in under-served communities across the U.S. and developing countries. She does freelance writing to shed light on her own personal experiences and how they can affect the world. Every time I talk to her, I realize how complex and multi-faceted she is, and how a lot of us can learn so much from her life experiences… of being rejected by the two people who brought her into this world, but not letting that run or ruin her life.

My friend’s 40th: a private room full of parents of young kids

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Tonight, Chris and I rented a Zipcar for a 1.5 hour drive out to Long Island for my friend’s 40th birthday. Luckily for us, a good friend of mine agreed to babysit Kaia for the evening, and she even commuted all the way from Staten Island and agreed to stay the night given how far away home would be for her. I told my friend that there was no way in hell we were going to back out despite the distance and the fact we couldn’t get there via public transit easily; we really needed to get out of the house without the baby, and I needed to socialize with other adults… even if all of those other adults just wanted to talk about their kids.

My friend warned me ahead of time that pretty much all the other parents coming would be there because they are the parents of her kids’ friends. So I kind of braced myself and waited for the kids conversations to come. But I was pleasantly surprised when I had some pretty good one on one conversations with a few of the party attendees, ranging from not just babies and nannies and daycare, but also traveling, relocating, comparing different cities, and of course, my favorite topic — food and restaurants. When we were all seated at the tables for dinner, the conversation ended up becoming more about kids and child-rearing in general, but given how all these friends know each other, I wasn’t really bothered by it since I expected it. Plus, sometimes, it is funny to hear about these random “child terrorist” stories and laugh about them every now and then.

In general, I’m more open to the idea of making friends with parents because their kids get along with my kid. It’s important to be able to trust the parents of the kids that your child is going to spend time with, especially if they end up spending time in their homes when you aren’t around eventually. I’m just not necessarily expecting any of these people to become my best friend forever. I don’t want to be the way my mom was with me and pretty much never trust anyone and constantly assume the absolute worst of all other parents. But the only way to begin trusting anyone is to spend some time with them.

Two years since we lost our friend

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When we found out our friend Raj passed away due to seizures of a still-unknown cause, we were beyond shocked. I felt sick to my stomach for more than a day, especially knowing that his son had just been born a couple weeks ago, and his wife was still recovering from childbirth and breastfeeding. To this day, Raj is one of the most kind-hearted, gentle, warm, gregarious humans I have ever known. If there is one person who seemed to always, always assume the very best intentions of anyone, it would definitely have been him. Two years after death, his wife is still struggling to fully accept he is gone, but his spirit still lives on through her and their son, now over two years old.

Raj’s death was also shocking and scary to me because when we found out he had died in 2021, it was shortly after I found out I was pregnant. At that time, I was pregnant with twins. That week, one of the twins “vanished” (vanishing twin syndrome), and I went through my own downward spiral that was separate from Raj’s death. I thought about how Raj and his wife had brought this tiny human into the world, thinking they’d raise him and any future children together, but instead, so soon after their baby was born, the baby’s dad died, and mom would be left alone without a life partner to help. Raj would never be able to experience the joy of watching his son grow up. And I thought about how absolutely devastating that was and how petrifying it would be for me if I were in the same situation.

I think about Raj all the time. But when I think of him, I still realize that in his short life, he probably lived a much fuller one than those double his age because of his positive outlook and all-around warmth and kindness. It would be hard to imagine anyone knowing him who did not like him or appreciate how good of a human he was. We could all benefit from trying to embody a little Raj in our own lives.

Redefining “regular” meetups with friends

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Today, a good friend of mine came over and we went out for an early dinner so that we could get back in time before Kaia went to bed. My friend hadn’t seen Kaia since October, so clearly Kaia had grown and matured quite a bit, so it was cute to see Kaia’s slight shyness around her and eventually how she opened up and became very bubbly and happy to get interaction with my friend.

When we were at dinner tonight, my friend said that since COVID and the global pandemic, she’s barely seen anyone regularly outside of me and maybe two other friends. Everyone else she saw were just friends at work, which doesn’t really count because…. well, that’s work. I looked at her, feeling puzzled.

“But how could you say you see me regularly?” I responded. “Maybe before 2022 and before, but I haven’t seen you in four months!”

But that’s what she meant: seeing people “regularly” since the pandemic began is being redefined. When you used to think seeing people regularly meant 2-3 times a month, now, ‘regularly’ means more like once every 3-4 months. She said that it feels like it takes people a greater effort to see friends now since the pandemic, and she also feels that… not just because of the pandemic, but also because she’s relocated to Staten Island, which she’s realized really does feel like an entire world away.

Solid foods competition among babies

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As of today, Kaia has already been exposed to 64 different types of solid food, and we have not yet reached her 8-month birthday, or two full months of solid foods exposure. Given that food, and a variety of food, is integral to my being, it shouldn’t come as any surprise that I was going to focus on this for my baby. But I shared this with a friend, who has a baby who is about 4 months older than Kaia, and she was really shocked that our baby was eating that many types of food. She started feeling bad, saying that her baby, who is half Mexican and half Bangladeshi, is really behind in the food arena and “eats like a white baby, which we need to start changing ASAP.” So today, she sent me a video of her son’s first time at almost 1-year of age, finally eating spiced dal with rice. Before this, he’d never been exposed to many spices at all. And in the video, it was pretty clear he was not a fan and started shaking his head rapidly and pushing the spoon away.

I didn’t mean to start a competition or a “keeping up with the Jones’s” mentality with solid foods, but apparently, I have incidentally had that effect now.

The big sister I never had

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One of my good friends from my last company has been an invaluable support to me since before I even got pregnant and while I was on my IVF journey. She and her husband have graciously and generously given us literally a boatload of lightly used baby items, ranging from big, essential items such as our bassinet to our baby lounger to our car seat cozy to swaddle blankets. These are items that we have literally used every single day since the baby has come home. And instead of getting us a baby gift, she and her husband gifted Chris and me a delicious food delivery order from a food startup that tries to support refugees and spreads the word about their diverse cultures represented in New York City.

On top of that, she has given me a ton of reassurance every step of the way. For example, two days after the baby was born, I noticed that there were hard lumps on both of my breasts, and I immediately just assumed that I was experiencing clogged milk ducts. I freaked out a little bit, took a bunch of sunflower lecithin pills, and proceeded to massage them out with heat. It actually hurt, too. I told Chris, and of course he was sympathetic and tried to tend to the baby as much as possible while I kept on massaging my breasts. I was already getting scared that I was going to get mastitis, and I texted her to tell her. She told me that given it was so close after giving birth, there was no way that I could already have a clogged milk duct. The lumps that I was experiencing were likely just signs of my milk coming in, as that often times is what it feels like. It can also feel like your breasts are just getting rock hard. These are all good signs, she insisted to me. Your milk is coming in! I was immediately relieved and got really excited. I really wanted to be able to breast-feed my child and know for a fact that she was actually getting milk when she was at my breast.

Last week, she knew that I was feeling overwhelmed with Chris back at work, so she offered to come over to help relieve me by helping with bottle feeds and anything else that I might need help with. She proactively offered to do everything, from chopping vegetables to even cleaning my apartment. There was no way I was going to let her clean my apartment, so I asked if she could help with bottle feeding the baby. She knew that I was missing my Asian greens, so she went to Flushing the morning she came over and picked up four different types of Asian vegetables just for me, on top of stopping by one of my absolute favorite Chinese restaurants to get me some shengjianbao, or fried Shanghainese dumplings, as well as HK style noodles. I felt really overwhelmed by her generosity and kindness. It was like she was trying to take care of me when she knew that I was feeling inadequate and in need of some TLC. When she came over, we caught up and talked about a lot of things, mostly around motherhood, balancing child care and having a child in general with having an actual life. I often times look at her like the big sister I never had; I am so grateful that I have her.