Category Archives: Friends

The pre-judgments we make, and what happens when we are dead wrong about them

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My college friend who is in town this week is here with her boyfriend of 1.5 years. Her boyfriend is originally from India, did graduate work and work in New York for about nine years, and now lives in the Phoenix area. Given that he spent almost a decade living in New York City (different areas of Brooklyn), he knows it fairly well and told my friend he knew where to go and what the best places to eat were. My friend, who is also food obsessed, knows that I am food obsessive with both finding places to eat and cooking. So of course, she reached out to me for my recommendations for specific areas they’d spend time in. After I gave her a handful of recommendations for one or two neighborhoods, I sent her my entire NYC Google Map, which I am constantly updating (yes, really, pretty much every single day something is being added, edited, or removed at least once). This list, as of today, has 761 places across all five boroughs; yes, that’s right: all five boroughs. And when he saw her refer to this mysterious food map that I’d created, he got a bit jealous.

“What, are you really referring to your friend’s food map? her boyfriend said, rolling his eyes. “She lives in the Upper West Side. What would she know about Brooklyn food? Don’t you remember I lived here for nine years! I know the good spots!”

My friend was quick to put him in his place (I love this about this friend; she never fails to call out bullshit when she hears it and delights in telling people when they are wrong). “Umm, you clearly don’t know Yvonne at all,” she retorted. “She goes everywhere and knows all the places all over New York City. This list has over 700 spots across all the boroughs! Have you been to all these neighborhoods?! Plus, you moved away four years ago; a lot has changed since then!”

His friends they were staying with made similar comments, trying to dismiss anything that someone like me living on the Upper West Side could suggest. My friend was annoyed because she kept saying she wanted to eat Asian food, but all those friends did was take them to Italian-adjacent and American foods places. “I can eat this food in Phoenix!” she grumbled. “I want ASIAN FOOD!” Somehow, her preferences went mostly unheard.

While her boyfriend’s eyes did widen after he heard the 700+ spot comment, he still was not convinced. He wanted to box Chris and me into the “Upper West Side” box, as in, if we live here, we must not know much about any neighborhood outside of where we live (or work)… because why on earth would anyone want to leave their neighborhood and see other areas? And this is where he was glaringly, glaringly dead wrong about us.

On Wednesday when they mapped our address to come over for dinner, he immediately saw the Google map label that said our building was a “luxury building.” He looked at my friend and said, “Who the hell are these people?” And when he got to our lobby, checked in with the doorman, and went up the elevator, he made more comments like this, in shock and confusion of who the hell we were and what the hell we did for a living that would allow us to live in a “luxury building” like the one they’d be hanging out in for the next nearly five hours.

So over the course of their time at our place, somehow all his assumptions were proven wrong — about Chris, about me, about what it means for people like us to live on the Upper West Side of New York and what that may say about who we are as individuals and what we like, dislike, and believe in. He ate my food. He drank Chris’s whisky and wine. He laughed at our commentary and banter and engaged with us. He had a good time and felt like himself. And on their hour-long commute back to his friend’s place in Brooklyn with my friend, he said he liked us a lot and perhaps the greatest praise of all you can give to your girlfriend’s friends: “They’re my kind of people.”

It’s always fun when assumptions are proven wrong, isn’t it?

Mudita and a mama’s heart swelling

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One of the friends I was planning to see while in San Francisco in August ended up having to cancel last minute. Her brother, who lives with her, had tested positive for COVID, and given their proximity, she figured she could possibly also have it and didn’t want to risk spreading it. I was really sad to not see her since that would mean I would not have any chance to see her in 2025 outside of this. But I knew she was just being prudent. A few days later, she actually developed COVID symptoms so bad that she had to take a few days off work, so it was a smart call in the end. The last thing I would want to deal with is having COVID again after my 2022 experience with it. Plus, the following week Kaia would have started Pre-K, and we wouldn’t have wanted her to miss her first days of preschool.

My friend told me that she had all these gifts she had gotten for Kaia that she’d originally planned to give us in person, but given she wasn’t going to see her, she would send them. She messaged me this week with the tracking number, and it arrived today. When I opened it, I was a bit overwhelmed with how many things were in here, plus the sheer variety of gifts: A Disney picture matching set, a wooden Peppa Pig dress up kit, a Halloween spooky sticker face decorating kit, three Halloween themed books that include Peppa Pig and Pookie (by Sandra Bounton), a card for Kaia wishing her a happy Halloween and apologizing for not being able to see her in person when were in San Francisco, plus some matcha and cookie treats (for Chris and me) from her recent Japan trip.

I laid out all the gifts and took a picture of them together. And then, out of nowhere, I suddenly felt like my heart was swelling. I smiled looking down at all these presents so thoughtfully chosen and purchased by my college friend for my sweet baby, and it just made me feel this intense sense of gratitude and joy. First, I knew that my friend took time (and spent money) to choose all these gifts; they were not hastily thrown together. Second, I was positive Kaia would love all of them. And it just made me feel so happy, so grateful to know that I have a friend this thoughtful, and that my Kaia Pookie would be so happy about these gifts. In the book I just finished reading, The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, they mention the concept of “mudita,” which is a Buddhist term for being happy for others’ happiness. It is a Sanskrit word that translates to “appreciative joy” or “sympathetic” joy and involves delighting in good fortune and happiness of others without jealousy or envy. Mudita is considered one of the “Four Sublime States” or immeasurables in Buddhism, along with loving-kindness, compassion, and equanimity (it is the opposite of schadenfreude, which is the feeling of pleasure at another’s misfortune). In the moment I opened this package, it was like mudita swept all over me. I just couldn’t stop smiling and thinking about happy this would make my baby.

I also just felt this overwhelming sense of gratitude for the friends I have. My college friend visiting this week showered Kaia with special presents especially curated just for her — super sparkly, colorful, and blingy. Then, this second college friend basically did the exact same thing via mail. I’m so touched that after all these years, not only are they still my friends, but they think of my little daughter and want to give her things that will delight her. Before I had Kaia and became a mother, i’d always heard of the term “heart swelling,” but I never knew what the feeling was like. And now that I have her in my life, it’s like my heart swells all the time — at things she says, does, and learns, and also seeing how much love, kindness, generosity, and grace those around us shower her with.

College friend is in town and immediately makes nice with Kaia

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One of my college friends is in town this week for her cousin’s wedding, and she’s brought along her boyfriend of the last 1.5 years. We haven’t seen each other since her second wedding, which happened in March 2017. Since then, she’s had a baby and been through a pretty nasty divorce. Her baby is now 6; mine is almost 4. A lot has changed in both of our lives since we last saw each other in person. But it felt so good to stay connected to her all these years and finally see her again. She said she was excited to see me again, but honestly even more excited to finally meet Kaia. And of course, she made sure that Kaia would like her right away by coming and bearing gifts for the little Pookie.

My friend showed up with a glittery rainbow purse, sequined, multicolored unicorn slippers, and a set of rainbow pencils. Kaia was smitten almost immediately and wanted all the things. She usually doesn’t want other people in the room when one of her parents is reading bedtime stories with her. But with Ellis, she insisted she sit with us while reading on her bed. This was definitely a first: Kaia doesn’t even really like it when Chris’s parents are there at bedtime. So clearly my friend did something right. It was fun to see their smooth interactions and how my friend entertained Kaia, but with an adult-like conversational approach.

Kaia asked multiple times if our friends would stay or go home. And I said that they’d go home, but maybe if we’re lucky, she can see them again. Kaia said she definitely wanted to see them again.

Spicy cumin beef at home

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It may have been college when I learned that in areas like Xinjiang and Xi’An, China, that cumin paired with red meat like beef and lamb is common. The very first time I had cumin lamb I am actually unsure of. But when I first went to Xi’An Famous Foods in its original dinky stall in the Golden Mall in Flushing, Queens, way back in August 2008 (shortly after I moved to New York), my mouth and my brain were excited. I got lots of tingles from the liberal use of freshly ground Sichuanese peppercorns. I tasted a strong hit of cumin from the cumin lamb in the cumin lamb burger. And the hot and numbing noodles were lip-smackingly delicious.

I am not sure how it took over 17 years for me to finally pair cumin with meat at home, but here I am this afternoon, between work and calls, casually braising a pot of spicy cumin beef. The entire apartment smells like cumin. I can even smell it on my bathroom towels (I forgot to close all the doors, which really I should have known better to have done… but it slipped my mind).

After two hours of braising and reducing the braising liquid, I fished out a piece of beef and cut into it with a fork. It was fork tender, hot and numbing, and perfect. After my milk bread victory just a couple days ago, I felt even more self-satisfied knowing that my first attempt at spicy cumin beef over wavy knife-cut noodles (previously sun-dried) would be a success. I’m having an out-of-town friend over for dinner tomorrow with her boyfriend, and I’ll be serving this with kao fu (Shanghainese style seitan and mushrooms), Sichuanese spicy cucumber salad, blanched yu choy, and finishing with a French apple cake to welcome in autumn. I’m so excited!

I love people who read

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Today’s plans changed pretty drastically once I found out the AFSP OOTD walk was postponed, so I ended up having a lot more free time than I’d planned for. I did a bit of cooking during the day, and later in the afternoon, I messaged our neighbor friend and toddler who we spent time out with last Sunday to see if they wanted to hang out. We went from the play room to their apartment and then back downstairs to the lounge room over the course of two hours. For the most part, the kids were able to play together independently without involving us, and us two adults were able to chat about everything from travel to language learning/acquisition to one of my favorite topics: books! One thing (of many) I miss about being in a school environment is talking about what people around me are reading. I don’t have a lot of friends who read a lot — maybe just two or three who actively read and can always say they are reading something. But I love when I learn that people read, and I love it when people ask me what I am reading (which then means I can ask them what they are reading and potentially get book recommendations that I otherwise would not have known about or even considered). What we choose to read says a lot about us, and at its most surface level, it shows that we are curious and want to learn more about things that are not just ourselves.

I told her I was currently reading the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu’s The Book of Joy. But this past year, I read a lot of historical fiction about the Vietnam (American) War, the Cultural Revolution in China, and the Partition of British India into Pakistan and India. In the book about the partitioning of British India into Pakistan and India, one of the book’s main characters makes commentary about how ridiculous, stupid, and inward looking American news media is. During that period in the mid to late 1940s, she was studying and then working in the U.S. as an immigrant from India, and it was virtually impossible for her to learn anything that was happening in her home country despite the massive changes, cultural/religious violence, and India becoming independent. What she learned that was actually happening in the country was only through letters that came (much delayed) from her family. Sadly, this is not quite far from the truth today: U.S. media is always so focused on… what’s happening in the U.S., ally countries of the U.S. It’s always about what happens here, and if you want to learn about anything happening in other countries, it’s 100 percent on you. We talked about the media, and that transitioned into how she’s been working on her French, and one way she gets better in her French language acquisition is by reading… graphic novels! I was so intrigued when I heard this; I know no one who reads graphic novels. The last graphic novel I read was when I was in high school, and it was Persepolis, a book often compared to Art Spiegelman’s Maus. While Maus tells the story of World War II through the lens of the author’s father, who was a Polish Jew and a Holocaust survivor, Persepolis tells the story of the Iranian Revolution through the lens of the author herself and her own experiences. When I told her this, she told me that Persepolis (in French, its original published language) was next on her list! She reminded me what I learned during my four years of French language and culture in high school: graphic novels aren’t a big thing (they are barely known at all!) in the U.S,, but in France, they are huge. There are entire bookstores devoted to graphic novels in France, and they are truly considered (and some are even priced as) works of art! She said it was easier for her to follow a graphic novel and improve her French than an actual novel (very difficult for obvious reasons), and not only was she able to enjoy the art and the story, it helped her improve her language skills. This almost made me want to read Persepolis again. I even have a hard copy of this book at my parents’ place.

After our time ended together and I had to get Kaia back home for dinner, she thanked me for our time together and said that while she’s happy that Kaia and Hugo love each other so much and get along well, she’s even happier that she met me and that we’ve gotten to know each other well over the last few months. I would agree; she has definitely surprised and intrigued me in ways that get my mind thinking more. That is the true beauty of friendship and getting to know others who grew up completely differently than you.

Play date in Greenpoint with Kaia and Hugo; On finding community

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I’m so happy that we’ve been able to find one parent with one child in this building who we not only get along with, but are willing to leave the general Upper West Side area. We planned this play date months ago after I’d told Hugo’s mother about Space Club in Greenpoint. Yesterday, we met them at a Japanese restaurant in the area that had a nice garden/outdoor seating area where the kids could run around and be silly. Then we walked over together to Space Club, where the kids had so much fun we had to drag them out at the end of our two-hour play time. Hugo’s mom wasn’t very keen on taking the train back into the city, so she suggested we catch the ferry from Greenpoint to 35th Street and FDR. Kaia got pretty excited at the idea of being on a boat, so I relented and we took the ferry back. Annoyingly. this ferry is not free, nor is it covered by OMNY card. But if you buy a 10-ride pass, it evens out to $2.90 per ride, which is the same cost as the subway. We got single rides, which cost $4.50 per adult, but that still seemed like a reasonable cost just for the experience of taking the ferry. The ride was over before we knew it!

We ended up spending almost six hours together today, so Hugo’s mom and I definitely talked quite a bit. I realized why she was so open to scheduling play dates with us: she told me that sometimes, she feels isolated being here because her life pre-child was just work, work, work. Most of her good friends are back home in Turkey, and she hasn’t been able to find or build a Turkish community here. She spends so much time working that when she isn’t working, she either wants to spend it traveling or simply with her son. So when she is able to make friends, it usually is with others who don’t have family nearby — people like me. She’s found that when people have family nearby in New York, they are less open to making friends with her and impossible to make plans with.

I empathize with her a lot. For years, I struggled to make friends living here outside of a tiny handful. I definitely do not have any “mommy/parent network” here the way so many others I know do in other cities/states/countries. In fact, other than her and a couple other friends in New York, that’s really all I have for a “parent network.” Now, I finally feel like I have a decent number of local friends who I genuinely like, enjoy being around with, and can be totally open with. This was not always the way it was.

But in some ways, chatting with her about this made me realize how far I’ve come. In the last number of years when I’ve met people that I find interesting or particularly kind, I just reach out to them and ask them to hang out. I have nothing to lose, right? If they say “yes,” great. And if they say “no,” meh; it’s their loss. But I guess that level of confidence really only comes with time and age. I’m also lucky to have a flexible work schedule where I am not married to my work. I’m happy that we’ve been able to sort of be friends, and I am even more thrilled that Kaia and Hugo have a mutual affection for each other.

The rarity of comfortable sit-down cafes and bakeries in Manhattan Chinatown

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Because I work from a coworking space in SoHo about once a week and Kaia goes to school in Chinatown, I get asked often what good sit-down cafes and bakeries there are in the area. In Chinatown, SoHo, and NoLita, this is especially challenging since rents are expensive downtown, and thus space is very tight. There are endless amazing Chinese bakeries and bubble tea shops in Chinatown, but the issue with the vast majority of them is that there is either extremely limited or no seating at all. The majority of them do not have a restroom. There are even tiny eateries that have no restrooms (and legally, they don’t need to provide one unless they seat 20 people or over). So I can recommend endless takeaway spots, but only a small handful of good sit-down cafes and bakeries; and always an added bonus if they provide WiFi in case I have to work for a bit before I pick up Kaia.

Because of this, I was pretty excited when I was walking along Grand Street and found out a brand new matcha place was opening called Isshiki Matcha. They have a matcha stand in Chelsea, plus a small sit-down location in East Village, but this space was really huge. They have bar-like counter seating, high tops, as well as tables where you can sit and catch up with others over a matcha. It looks like at night, they even convert into a bar and do matcha cocktails and wine. They have indoor and outdoor seating, WiFi, and a huge perk: they have a bathroom that is not only clean but spacious! This is definitely going to go on my list of regular catch-up spots for the area. I met a friend here for matcha (I had a hojicha latte), and service was fast and friendly, and the seating was very comfortable. I’m excited that the newer places opening up in Chinatown have seating and sometimes even a bathroom. We need more comfortable spaces to catch up!

Play date at the Brooklyn Children’s Museum

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Today, I took Kaia out to Brooklyn for lunch with a former classmate at her school plus her mom, then the Brooklyn Children’s Museum (on my Culture Pass, which got all of us in for free!). Kaia was so upset when a lot of her old classmates did not show up this school year, and it was hard to explain to her that many had moved onto different schools because they were a year older and thus starting kindergarten. This classmate was one of them. She even identified this classmate, Eliza, by name, and said she wanted to see her again. Luckily, Eliza’s mom was very friendly over the last school year, and we exchanged numbers before Eliza started kindergarten. We organized this play date a few weeks ago, so Kaia was eagerly awaiting this day for weeks now.

I knew Pookster was very excited about seeing Eliza again because on the entire train ride to the restaurant, she didn’t want any snacks at all. She simply kept looking out the window, saying over and over that she was waiting to see her friend Eliza in Brooklyn. And when we finally did meet with them, they both shrieked each other’s names over and over, jumped up and down, danced, and kept hugging each other and holding each other’s hands.

It was one of those moments as a mother that I could almost physically feel my heart swelling to witness these two girls get so excited and be singing with joy that they were reunited. I was so happy to witness their joy that I didn’t even remember to record it. But at least I have a couple photos of the tail end to document this love.

Over lunch, Eliza’s mom and I talked about how hard it was, annoyingly, to make friends and do play dates with other parents in this city. She is a New York native, born, raised, and still living in Manhattan, and she herself admits it’s been a struggle to make other parent friends and arrange play dates for her daughter. I always wondered if it was just a New York City thing since my friends in other cities out in Long Island, in San Francisco, and Boston have said they haven’t encountered the same challenges. In general, people are just “weird,” she said.

Eliza and her mom are nice, and while Eliza and Kaia get along, I also get along with Eliza’s mom. So I hope we can do more play dates in the future. It’s always nice to have other nearby mom friends who have kids of a similar age.

Cooking for my new mama friend in Staten Island

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When my best friend told me she was pregnant earlier this year, I told her that after she gave birth, I would come over to cook for her. She expressed interest in all the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) foods, the Chinese postpartum confinement meals, and I immediately got excited, thinking that I could come cook these things for her. When I gave birth and was recovering, I didn’t have anyone come cook for me. At that time, there was another COVID outbreak. My mom didn’t want to travel, and my aunt apologized to me multiple times for not being there to take care of me and cook for me, even though she’s not even my mother and not even my blood-related aunt. What my aunt did do, which I am still grateful for to this day, is she went out and bought and labeled all the ingredients for the Chinese chicken wine soup (ji jiu tang) she would have made for me. She bought the ingredients in quantities so large that I’d just run out of most of them just recently. She sent me instructions for how to make the soup. And since then I’ve made it a number of times and love it; it doesn’t even matter if you’re recovering from childbirth or not, but the soup itself is so soothing and comforting. It’s like a Chinese hug in a bowl. As I made this soup numerous times, I thought to myself — I’d love to make these types of dishes for a postpartum friend so that they can also have a hug in multiple bowls.

So, after taking a regular subway train, an express bus (for the first time ever — and I also just learned it’s not covered by my OMNY card; I had to pay $7 extra just to board this damn bus!), and then a quick $15 Uber ride, I was at my friend’s house in Staten Island. I had prepped a number of things leading up to this day to streamline cooking at her place. In her kitchen, I quickly made myself at home and made these dishes: multigrain congee (purple long grain rice, brown long grain jasmine, white short grain, and yellow mung beans, sweetened with a hint of rock sugar and flavored with a touch of ginger), pork rib and fig soup, braised “eggs hugging tofu” (jidan bao doufu), dang shen herbal tea, and hawthorn berry, longan, and cinnamon herbal tea. Yesterday night, I made stir-fried water spinach/morning glory/ong choy/kong xin cai with shrimp paste and packed it in a glassware. I also made a batch of lactation cookies with galactagogues; after my own breastfeeding journey, I honestly don’t believe in “galactagogues,” but who is going to say no to cookies?! I used the same recipe I used for myself that has oats, flaxseed, butter, coconut oil, and 70 percent Valrhona chocolate feves; this time I didn’t have brewer’s yeast, but I did throw in a handful of sliced almonds for extra protein. In Chinatown, I also picked up some “spongies,” or “paper wrapped sponge cakes” for her since I know she likes them.

It was a pain in the ass to get to her house in Staten Island to say the least. Her fiance had the stomach flu, so he wasn’t able to pick me up or drop me off at the ferry. I ended up having to take the express bus (on a tight schedule) and two Ubers (more money than I would have liked) to get there. I was also carrying quite a load of things on my back. So by the end of the day, I was pretty tired, and my shoulders were sore and tight from the weight I carried. All of that was annoying, but in the end, I didn’t mind it because it meant I got to cook for my friend. And I find meaning in helping her, in cooking for her, in nourishing her, and in making sure she feels loved and supported. There is meaning and purpose in doing all that to me. And while most people would never do something like this for a friend, even a close one, or someone who was not blood related, I think that most people in general want to do the easiest, laziest thing just to have more time for themselves to do things that are completely and utterly meaningless. It is so easy to send a baby gift, to attend a baby shower (it’s a party where you get free food!), to even send a DoorDash gift card or pay for someone else’s food delivery. All of the above acts, other than attending a shower, can be achieved in minutes and with just a few clicks of a keyboard or taps on your smartphone. What is not easy is traveling to your friend, who lives over 1.5 hours away from you by public transport, cleaning her kitchen, making her several home-cooked dishes and teas that you know she will like and savor, and cleaning all that up so she doesn’t have a mess left behind.

I think we really show the people in our lives we genuinely love and care for them when we do the things that are not easy, that actually require real thought, time, and effort. I was chatting with some colleagues about doing this for my friend this week, and they all commented and expressed how amazed they were that I’d do something like this; it’s odd to me because most of them know I love cooking, so it’s really not a strenuous effort on my part. I kind of shrugged. For me, as I stated above, this is meaningful. I want to spend time doing things that make me feel like I’m fulfilling a purpose and giving my life meaning. What do they spend time on that they find meaningful?

The friends/kids dinner that did not go as “hoped”

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Tonight, we went over to a good friend’s house for dinner. She has two kids similar in age to Kaia. Last minute, her husband decided to not stay home for dinner with us and instead to go play pickleball with friends. “It won’t be that bad,” he insisted to his wife (my friend). “They’ll just play together, and you guys can talk.”

It never goes as you hope, though. My friend had just come back from picking up both her daughters, and they were both cranky. One of them was particularly unwieldy and roaring at us like a wolf. And as we were attempting to eat dinner, and my friend had already reheated her dinner more than twice, it actually felt like the three girls could be in the living room all playing relatively harmoniously together. But out of nowhere when none of the adults were paying attention, Kaia started crying hysterically. She had the long, high-pitched wails, the big fat tears rolling down her face. I ran over to comfort her. I asked her what happened. Maya looked angry and kept staring away. And Maya’s little sister Juni, as though “protecting” herself behind the window curtain, yelled out, “She hit her!” Juni paused for a little bit. “And then, she did this!” Juni motioned and took a toy and crashed it down (on a head).

My friend then sent Maya to her room. She did not stay there, though: she kept popping out to roar repeatedly at us. My friend proceeded to call her husband multiple times, leaving several voice messages with the general message of, “Your daughter is being extremely NOT well behaved. YOU NEED TO COME HOME NOW AND HELP ME.” My friend was definitely struggling and increasingly getting frustrated and feeling helpless. She also just relented and ate the rest of her dinner cold.

Eventually, everyone calmed down. The kids played alongside each other, then together, then started running after each other while giggling. And of course, at that point, it was time for us to leave before all the tots got overly tired.

Once we left, my friend texted me several times to apologize for not having the night we “hoped” for. She said she blamed her husband for bailing on us so last minute. But she also blamed herself for not knowing “what was really bothering” Maya.

Parenting is hard, even when you have an involved spouse, even when you have paid and/or unpaid help, even when you try your absolute best with the best intentions. But as much as I hate to admit it, it’s in times like this when I think… I love having “just” Kaia. To me, it’s not *just* her. She’s my everything, and I love being fully devoted to caring for her as my one sweet baby.