Category Archives: family

Cherishing the last days before returning to work

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I only have three more business days before I have to return to work. Granted, “returning to work“ just means getting on my computer in the second bedroom and being stuck in front of a screen all day, but it still means that I will have to work and not be in front of my daughter all day the way I’ve been used to. The last 20 weeks have flown by so quickly. It makes me sad that I have to go back to work and not spend every minute with her anymore, but I actually don’t feel as bad about it as I did a few weeks ago. I have come to accept it, especially since we just hired a nanny. My friend was right: she told me that I would get more comfortable with going back to work once we secured childcare. And that’s kind of what happened.

We have had a lot of visitors in the last week before I return to work. I had friends come over on Monday. A friend/former colleague came to visit us after work on Tuesday. I went out to lunch with a friend today and took the baby. On Friday, we also have a friend visiting who will meet the baby for the first time. I have also been very intentional about getting out of the apartment at least once a day with the baby, particularly when the weather is good. It’s what I originally wanted to do when it started warming up, but it’s just that there have been a lot of cold days, and I don’t really want her outside when it’s too cold. I want her to have some fresh air, even if it’s “fresh air” by city standards. She clearly hates the wind. Every time we have been on the roof and it has been windy, she makes this shuddering breathing sound that doesn’t sounds good.

I took her to a bakery on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, we ate outdoors with my friend. Even the baby ate outdoors as I gave her a bottle while sitting outside. I am planning to take her to Central Park tomorrow, perhaps to Sheep’s Meadow for some fun time on the grass and among the cherry blossoms. A nanny that I interviewed told me that babies just need to take in every little thing, but that requires us to expose them to all of those little things. All of the things that we as adults take for granted, like staring up at a blue cloudless sky, hearing the rustling of the trees, birds chirping, and the sight of full blooms are all things that are brand new experiences to babies. It is up to us to expose them to all of these beautiful things. It was a good reminder to me. I am looking forward to seeing the baby’s reaction when I put her feet on grass for the first time. I want to be there to witness as many of her “firsts” as possible.

Eyes that still bulge when they see the boobies

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Many weeks ago, I stopped nursing the baby before her bottle. Chris suggested it since it would make the feedings more efficient. And while it made me sad to stop, I knew that it was for the best. It would make the day smoother. She would get her main food faster. And I would nurse her only when she got fussy perhaps due to pre-teething or when she needed a little extra after a bottle feed. I was still technically breast-feeding her because I was still pumping as much milk as I could, but I just wasn’t having as much direct breast to mouth contact anymore. The main time that I would nurse her would be before bedtime for the night after her last feed, when she needed an “aperitif” as Chris calls it. I would put her on my boob until she was satisfied, whether that was from the extra milk or just being soothed from being on the breast. I look forward to this time every night when it’s just the two of us in the bedroom together, and she is on my boob and I am caressing her hair and her face and relishing these quiet moments of just the two of us together in the darkness and peace. 

Although I will always be sad that I was never able to successfully nurse her exclusively, it will always make me smile when I think about how much she loves my boobs. In the morning when I get up and say good morning to her while she is in the bassinet for her morning nap after her first feed, I usually have the straps on my nursing top undone, so my breasts are exposed to get ready for my first morning pump. And it is the cutest and most hilarious thing when I poke my head into her bassinet to say good morning, and she immediately makes eye contact with me and smiles. And predictably, her eyes move down from my face directly to my breasts, and it’s like her eyes almost bulge out with excitement. Her mouth opens wide and she is just nearly jumping out of her skin. She starts kicking her legs and flailing her arms as though she is trying to say, get me on those boobies right now! She just loves the boobs. If she had it her way, she would be on my boob all day and all night. And this thought always makes me smile and feel happy. My baby loves me. My baby needs me. And even if she isn’t able to get her nourishment directly from my breast, she still loves spending time on my breast. She loves being with me. She is soothed from being on my boobs. And at this point in time, I have made peace with it. I am still her mother. I am still able to soothe and take care of her. I am still able to provide her food from my breasts, pumped into a bottle. And these are all amazing things. These are all things that I am constantly grateful for.

Pregnancy wistfulness and mom thoughts

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I went to visit my neighbor yesterday to drop off a few baby related things that were either brand new that I never got to use, as well as a few lightly used baby items. She is 37 weeks pregnant, also from IVF, and she is expecting her first, which is a girl. She is 40 years old, and her husband is 51. She told me that she is very well aware that even though she has two more embryos that are frozen, that those may not ever make it. So this could be her one and only child. She told me that even though she was excited to meet her baby soon, she was really sad that her pregnancy was ending. It wasn’t that she wanted her pregnancy to last forever, but time just passed way too quickly. She wanted to relish the little moments more and more. Similar to me, she had a very smooth and straightforward pregnancy after IVF. She has loved every moment of being pregnant and has been incredibly grateful that IVF worked out and that she was pregnant, though at a much later age than she had hoped. She and her husband had been trying for over eight years to conceive naturally, and it just never worked. It wasn’t until last year that they finally tried IVF.

I relate a lot to her sadness about her pregnancy ending. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I also felt a little bit sad, though obviously I was at the same time very excited. I also have a similar sentiment as she does when it comes to that thought that this could be her only child. It seems that only other moms can relate to this feeling of sadness. Many parts of pregnancy as well as new motherhood and motherhood in general are difficult, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t love it and enjoy it. As far as I know, there has been no deeper meaning in life to me than raising my baby and growing her in my womb. As much as I have tried to relish every moment of pregnancy as well as new motherhood, it all just felt like it’s going too fast. Even today, it is going far too quickly for me. Our baby is growing well, but I just can’t believe that she is already four months old. I told my neighbor my feelings around this, and I told her that those complicated emotions of happiness and sadness  at your baby progressing and growing are just going to continue. Because obviously as mothers, while we want our babies to grow, we all wish that we could just freeze time so that they didn’t grow too fast. I tried to explain this to Chris, and his response was, she’s not growing too fast! She’s right on the curve! …Well, that is not what I mean. I do not literally mean that she is growing too fast. What I mean is that these moments are all passing me by too quickly, and before I know it, she is not going to need me to feed her or to get her from place to place. She’s going to be an independent woman before we even know it. And that is just crazy to me.

high chair is ready

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At our baby’s last doctor’s appointment when she reached 4 months of age, they sent us home with an infant feeding guide for solids. Given that our baby still needs assistance sitting up and hasn’t shown much interest in food at all, I don’t think she is ready just yet for solids, but it certainly made us think about that next stage a bit more. Chris got excited by this and wanted to start putting the high chair together, so our friend/handyman came over today to build it for us (he just likes doing these things, so no, this is not in scope).

Well, we placed the baby into the high chair just to see how she’d look in it… and she immediately started leaning to one side, indicating there was no way she would sit in this thing unassisted. Granted, the high chair comes with a harness that you can strap the baby into, but she still didn’t seem stable enough. None of this was surprising to me, as I already knew she wasn’t ready. But it was hilarious to see her hunching over to the side a bit, wondering what the heck we were trying to make her do.

Maternity leave is nearing its end

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I can’t believe that I’m already in my 19th week of maternity leave. That means that I’m almost 19 weeks postpartum, which also means my baby is almost 19 weeks old. Time has gone by so quickly that I almost want to just freeze time so that I can really enjoy all these little moments with my baby close to me. I was packing up some of her newborn and 0-3 month old clothing and getting a little emotional about it. It reminded me of the conversation I had recently with my friend, who told me she was really sad to organize and bag up all of her 18-month old daughters’ clothes to hand down to me.

“This is the first and only girl I’ll have,” she said. She’s scheduling an embryo transfer for boy embryos moving forward so that they can have one girl and one boy. “It just made me so sad to think she’s my one and only girl.” She said her husband didn’t get why she was being so emotional about it.

I get it, though. Even though my baby was slow to gain weight in the beginning, once we got her on track, she’s been growing very nicely and along the curve. She’s getting longer and longer every day; in the next month or so, we’ll likely need to transition her out of her bassinet into her crib. Every time she squawks or shrieks or lets out what sounds like a little laugh, I just want to bottle it all up so that I can hear it over and over and remember these moments. Even when I was sleep deprived, even when I wanted to throw my breast pump out the window and give up on pumping, even when she’s had her fussy moments with her spitting up and pre-teething pain, I always remembered in the back of my head just how lucky I was to even be dealing with her fussiness; I have a baby who needs me. She’s healthy and growing. She’s my baby. It makes me sad to think that she could be my first and only child, that this could be my one and only time ever experiencing raising a newborn, doing tummy time with a baby, breastfeeding a baby. It all seems to be coming and going too quickly. Even in the frustrating moments noted previously or when having the inevitable argument with Chris about something baby related, I’ve still felt so thankful to have her. I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my life than having her as my baby, than being able to call myself a mother. It’s not like anything I’ve done is unique or novel given that obviously, women have been giving birth since the beginning of time, but I really do mean it: I have never felt so amazed at what my body has been capable of doing, in growing this tiny human, and giving me the greatest gift of my life.

Baby wearing 

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In a city that is as populated and dense as New York City, sometimes, taking around a stroller is not necessarily the most convenient thing. It is annoying to take a stroller up and down stairs, particularly in Subway stations. Not all of the station entrances are accessible, and when I say that, what I really mean is, most are not. Stations usually have signs that tell you where the wheelchair accessible entrances are (assuming there is one at all…) and they are usually annoying to get to. And don’t even get me started on the fact that many of the elevators for the stations smell like pee mostly because of the homeless people who use them. Then, there are stores like Trader Joe’s that tend to have all of their items packed into small aisles along with large customer bases. That also makes it less convenient to push the stroller around. Given that this is the situation, sometimes, if you need to take your baby to a certain place, it’s just easier not to take the stroller at all and instead, to wear the baby.

We got gifted four different baby wearing carriers: the Hana Baby, the baby K’Tan, the KeaBabies wrap carrier I picked out for our registry, and the automatic Ergobaby carrier. All of these except the one that I picked out for our registry were hand-me downs that my friend had given me. She said that all of them were way too complicated for her to figure out, and she got very frustrated right away, and so she thought that I might have better luck. Well, after trying to use the Hana baby just once, I immediately gave up on it and gave it to another friend who is expecting her first in May. That was basically just like a long piece of cloth… And I did not feel very confident in securely carrying my baby around in it. The Baby K’Tan was a little better. I took Kaia out in it a few times to Whole Foods, but the second time that I did it, her butt got a little bit loose on the bottom, so I ended up having to hold her on the bottom just in case because I was getting paranoid. The Ergobaby carrier seemed like it was too big for her. But it wasn’t until another friend showed me how to use it that I actually realized that if we adjusted some of the settings on it, she would actually be just right for it. This baby carrier is supposed to grow with your baby, just that you have to know how to adjust the settings. 

And so that leaves me with the KeaBabies wrap. It seemed really straightforward when I watch the video when choosing a wrap to put on our registry. And when I put the baby in it for the very first time, she felt very snug and secure. I felt comfortable walking around with her in it. However, as with all of these baby wraps, all of these take some getting used to an understanding the most optimal way to get your baby into it. You really have to be careful and make sure that the baby’s bottom is always supported, and that their head is okay and she can breathe. With the KeaBabies wrap, the baby’s butt has to go directly into the bottom of the X shape that you cross the wrap in. Then, there is an additional piece of cloth that keeps her even more secure and supported that you pull up. We used this for the second time with our baby this weekend to take her to Queens for the very first time. It was also the very first time that we took her on the subway. Chris did not want to deal with pushing around a stroller, especially given that the birthday party location was so close to the subway station in forest hills, so he carried the car seat just in case she needed a place to sleep or we needed to take a car back, and I wore the baby in the wrap to and from. 

She didn’t seem to mind the noise or the commotion of the train. She was not always that comfortable in the wrap because we didn’t have it put on correctly the first time. But after some moving around, she eventually fell asleep and she got very comfortable. Seeing that I was clearly wearing a baby on me, people on the train were very kind and kept on offering the receipt to me. I actually didn’t need a seat for a lot of the train trip to Queens because she just wanted the movement, which was why I kept on walking up and down the car. But it’s nice to know that people actually do care and want to help. It reminded me of when I was pregnant and people were always offering their seats to me. As I have always said to people who do not live in New York City, New Yorkers really do care about each other. They actually do look out for each other, and when they see something, they do say something. It’s always why I have thought that New Yorkers have a bad rap when it comes to this stereotype that they are supposedly rude.

I think I probably just need more practice using the wrap and putting her into it. Baby wearing is definitely a lot more convenient than pushing a stroller around, especially in New York City.

Getting ready for baby’s bedtime

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Kaia’s last feed of the day is at 8pm now. Chris feeds and burps her, and then he hands her off to me so that I can sing and rock her to sleep. Occasionally, she needs my boob as a “finisher” before she falls asleep. Since I don’t nurse her a lot anymore unless it’s to soothe or calm her, I look forward to this quiet evening time when it’s just the two of us in the bedroom together.

The last few nights, I’ve felt sad… sad that I know I’ll have to go back to work in less than a month, sad that the last four months have flown by so quickly, sad that she’s growing so fast right before my eyes and that all these little quiet moments with her will soon become a distant memory, only able to be revisited via videos and photos that I take. I hold her tight before putting her down in her bassinet each night and remind her how much I love her. I whisper in her little ear that mommy and daddy love her so, so much. I’m happy to see her growing and now actually starting to outgrow her 0-3 month clothes, but sad that it feels like she’s just growing too fast. Sometimes, I just want to freeze time and savor this moment of her, right here and now. My baby is just growing so fast, too fast.

First nanny trial

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Today was the first nanny trial, and it was… not good. She is NOT someone I would entrust caring for my baby, even in the next room. Here are the notes:

  1. Not comfortable with mixing formula – she was a deer with headlights when I asked if she’d done this before.
  2. Forgot to change diaper before 5pm feed until I asked her.
  3. Did not read signs of fatigue to put down for nap; she actually refused to let the baby nap when she was clearly showing signs that she was tired!
  4. Confused spit up for throw up. These are NOT the same thing.
  5. Too much holding and not enough engagement
  6. Did not read signs of pre-teething to soothe even though she was warned
  7. Bath was too cold and not enough water
  8. Did not write meticulous notes on feeds, poops and pees as I requested; forgot the amounts she fed baby and asked ME how much the baby ate.

Out-of-town visitors

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We had my friend, her husband, and their baby come visit us this weekend. I also got to catch up with my friend one on one over tea, and that was nice and relaxing. It was also just nice to get out of the apartment and dress up a little bit while also just not being completely baby focused… Or focused on finding a nanny. I honestly never really thought about how time-consuming finding a nanny would be, but alas, here I am. Finding a nanny is nearly a full-time job in itself.

It’s funny when you think about how the dynamics change once you have kids. I always knew about this and was aware about this in theory, but in practice, it’s definitely something that you have to get used to. When my friend originally booked this trip, she said that she and her husband could have done so many things without the baby if she had left the baby at home with her mom… But she really wanted her baby to come to meet my baby. She wanted to do things like Broadway shows, museums, afternoon tea… We compromised and we did afternoon tea and left the babies with our husbands. But the Broadway show was never going to happen because her baby gets stranger danger, so even when I offered to babysit, she said that there was no way her baby was going to let that happen. My friend is also someone who rarely checks luggage unless she is traveling internationally and plans to buy a lot of things, but on this trip, they checked a bag because of all of the things that they have to take with them because of their baby.

While all of this can be annoying and at times frustrating, as my former night nurse always said… All of these things last for a finite time, and then they eventually end. So while we can be frustrated at not being able to see a show or have a tasting menu when we have our baby with us, our baby is only going to be a baby for a set amount of time. And that time will eventually end. I am already looking at videos and pictures of my baby when she was a newborn and comparing them to how big she is now. And it already makes me a little bit sad to see how quickly she has grown as well as how quickly time has flown. She was once this teeny tiny baby in my arms (or, really, HANDS at that point!) who barely weighed 6 pounds. Now, she is definitely double that weight. I am trying to cherish every moment as much as I possibly can. Soon, she will no longer be a baby I can hold in my arms.

the dilemma of being a working mom

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I always imagined being a working mom. Being a stay at home mom was never something I envisioned for myself for multiple reasons: my mom always said it was important to stand on my own two feet and to not rely on a man for money. That’s why she always worked after she had Ed and me. And she’s right for multiple reasons: if your husband is an asshole and tyrannizes you about spending because he earns the money and you do the unpaid work that he doesn’t value, well, that doesn’t put you in a good position. But the other “in case of emergency” situation people think less about can happen: men die earlier than women on average, and so if your working husband randomly drops dead of a heart attack and you have been out of the workforce for, what, 3-5 years, it’s going to be THAT much harder for you to re-enter the workforce to support your kids and yourself. I also want to set the example to my child that women can work outside of the home and do things other that what is stereotypically considered “women’s work.”

Now that I’m in the situation where I am about to return to work, though, I’m definitely feeling all kinds of emotions. My first thought was: I’m going to hire a nanny, and eventually a daycare center, to witness all my child’s developmental milestones before I do?? I am going to go back to work in order to pay a lot of money to a random stranger to care for my child? It was a bit of a mind fuck: really? Most of my earnings are going towards THAT as an expense?? Something just didn’t feel right about this.

I hate that this is even a feeling I am having. I have to go back to work after about 20 weeks of leave, which is way way more than the average American woman gets. But it’s far, far less than what working moms in other western countries get: my friend in the U.K. had 13 months off, and she didn’t think it was enough. Another friend had her first child in Amsterdam and had seven months of leave. Moms in Australia get a full 12 months. It just didn’t feel right, and I’m trying to accept this as my reality. I never thought it would be this hard to mentally wrap my head around this before I became a mom. It’s not that I don’t want to go back to work or ever seriously considered being a stay-at-home mom. I do want to go back to work to have something to focus on other than my child. I also don’t really want to get tyrannized for not making money from my husband or anyone else; even jokes would be half-jokes because guess what… we live in a world that devalues childcare as well as work that doesn’t bring dollars in. It just makes me sad and a bit emotional to think I have to leave my baby with someone else during the majority of the week, even when I will be working at home in the next room.

But having these thoughts and emotions makes me feel even more for stay-at-home moms who give up their paid work and careers to raise their children, to be there for them every step of the way. Even when society devalues them, even when their parents or in-laws or spouses talk down to them because they don’t value the actual work they do, they still give their all to their babies. It’s a hard life regardless of whether you are a working mom or an unpaid working mom. The demands of motherhood never end regardless of which path you choose.