Category Archives: family

Toddler cuddles

Posted on by
Reply

Tonight, after reading some books together, I put Kaia to bed. As per usual, she asked for her blanket, then immediately insisted on “mummy blanket!” She refuses to have her blanket on her unless Mummy also has a blanket on her, too. So we’ve gotten into that rhythm together. Then, out of nowhere, as I was singing and rubbing her back, she declared, “Lie down Mummy! Lie down Mummy!” But I was already lying down. And so what I think she was trying to say is that she “wanted to lie down on mummy” because she immediately rolled over and landed on my chest. But she’s so long and big now that her body goes all the way down to my thigh. And of course, her stomach was resting against my bladder, so while I didn’t really need to pee before she got on top of me, at that point, I suddenly did feel the urge to pee. Kaia rested her chest on my chest and placed her head down against my head, And so we laid with her lying on top of me. She then started sticking her fingers in my mouth, wanting me to bite on her fingers. So we played that game over and over until she was giggling uncontrollably, and finally she rolled over onto her stomach, insisted on singing songs and rolling around… until about 8:45.

Yes, it took about an hour and 45 minutes from story time to the point when she finally fell asleep. Was it tiring and a little frustrating? Of course. But in the moments of her lying on top of me, insisting on “lie down (on) Mummy!”, and playing the biting game, I relished our time together and thought, “And this, too, will pass.” Soon, she will be too big to lie on top of me; she’s already pushing it now at 25+ lbs in weight at nearly 23 months of age. Soon, she won’t want to cuddle or even willingly give me hugs and kisses. Soon, she’ll speak in grammatically correct sentence structure and speak real, full on sentences. She won’t butcher her words or pronunciation the way I love hearing now (honestly, I am still mourning the fact that she says “mango” now and not “monga.” I am also a little sad that she says “noonulle” instead of “noodie” for the word “noodle” because it is more correct than it is not). These are the little moments that never get filmed or photographed, but I genuinely love them. Chris makes fun of me, but one little thing I do every night is: I always smell Pookster’s hair as she’s sleeping. I kiss her head, then I take a deep inhale when I smell her hair. I just love her smell. I have always loved Kaia Pookie’s scent. She doesn’t have that same fresh newborn smell anymore. She also doesn’t have the baby smell. But she has an evolving smell now as a toddler where when I inhale, I know she’s still my sweet baby. And no matter how big she gets, my sweet baby she will always be.

Four days of the Sara and Kaia show come to an end

Posted on by
Reply

Since Chris’s cousin and his daughter have been here, it’s been all fun chaos and running around and laughter in our apartment. Sara and Kaia got along as soon as Sara came into Kaia’s crib once she woke up on Sunday morning, which was a gleeful surprise for my Pookster. The two days of this week when Sara came with me to pick up Pookster at school, Kaia shrieked with delight at seeing Sara come through the door. Pookster just loves having Sara doting on her and running around and playing with her. Sara likes to take care of Kaia, doing everything from fixing her hair and ensuring she is out of harm’s way. It’s been really sweet and cute to see.

Last night was their last night with us before heading back to London on an early morning flight today. That meant that when Kaia woke up this morning, she wasn’t able to be greeted by Sara to say “good morning.” Last night at bedtime, as she slowly drifted into her sleep, Kaia kept saying over and over, “Good night, Sara. Good night, Uncle Andy. See you tomorrow, Sara. See you tomorrow, Uncle Andy.” I can’t even count the number of times she said it, but it was at least a dozen times, over and over until she rolled onto her belly, stuck her butt up in the air as she usually does to get comfortable, and then fell asleep. As cute as it was, it also made me feel a bit sad because I knew that she would not actually see either of them “tomorrow.” By the time she would wake up, Sara and Andy would be getting ready to board their flight back to London. And though we will be seeing Andy in December for Christmas, we all know that Kaia and Sara would really like to see each other again. But we don’t know when that time will be.

That’s the hard thing about not having siblings or cousins close by: you don’t always know when you can have these fun, cute, sweet moments when they can enjoy time together and get to know each other. So these moments are even more precious.

10 years of fundraising for AFSP and remembering Ed

Posted on by
Reply

Today was the Manhattan American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Out of the Darkness walk for this year. 2023 marks the 10th year that I’ve fundraised in honor of Ed’s memory. It’s been an interesting ten years fundraising. Each year, I share my personal story, which has evolved each year. And each year, I’ve somehow managed to elicit the support of not just my friends and family who have been repeat donors, but even new donors every time. Most of those new donors have been colleagues, new and old. Some have been friends or family members of my own friends and family. Others have even been complete strangers who found out about my brother’s story through an acquaintance or family member and felt compelled to donate. In all of these cases, I’ve always been touched that people would spend their hard-earned money to support this cause… all because I chose to share and be open about my brother’s story and ultimately, my family’s loss. It’s been a humbling experience to share his story and see who has felt something when reading it. I’ve lost count of the number of people who have told me they’ve personally been affected by suicide or struggled themselves. But this is how people start opening up, and I am proud to be a part of the journey of destigmatizing mental health and suicide ideation and prevention.

2023 is the first year I haven’t met my fundraising goal, though. I raised $4,790 out of a goal of $5,000. I’m still waiting on a match from my company, which would add another $100, as my company matches donations up to $100 each year per employee. I think I am waiting on one corporate match. But I guess it’s hard to expect people to donate year after year, especially when there are so many other charities and crises that need our attention. So I’m grateful for even the smallest contributions.

This is also the first year when Kaia has walked with me. Well, we pushed her in her stroller, but she did attend the walk, and she loved the Top Fundraising Team sign that we had for Ed. We also had Chris’s cousin and his daughter come from London, who also accompanied us at the walk, as well as my friends and their young daughter.

Each year when I am listening to the remarks at the opening ceremony, I cannot help but tear up while listening to all the stories of loss. Someone’s teen daughter died from suicide. Someone else lost their dad to suicide. The stories just keep going on and on, and I can feel the pain. It’s just so gut wrenching to hear these stories and see that this keeps happening over and over. But while it is sad, it makes me feel better knowing that I’m doing a little something for the community by fundraising each and doing this walk.

“Bless you, mummy. Bless you, daddy.”

Posted on by
Reply

The “terrific toddler” moments include when your young toddler is learning more and more language and chooses to express sweet sentiments towards you and other loved ones. In the last month or so, Kaia has caught on to the fact that a lot of the people around her say “bless you” after someone sneezes. She seems the most attuned to Chris’s sneezes, likely because he’s an extremely loud sneezer, and less attuned to mine (Chris claims that my sneezes have gotten louder over the years, likely due to his influence, but I am not totally sure that assessment is accurate). Given that, she almost always says “bless you” after Chris sneezes. The other cute thing she sometimes does is at bed time, when it’s just about time for “lights out” after reading together, she will lie down, put her head on her pillow, look at me with big eyes, and say, “Bless you, mummy. Bless you, Daddy. Bless you, Kaia.” And I just become a big puddle of love looking at her, caressing her sweet little smiling face as she’s all snuggled up in her sleep sack and baby blanket. These are the moments I love the most: when she’s being sweet, affectionate, cute, and sentimental, but she’s also expressing more and more of what she learning and absorbing from her surroundings. The toddler years can certainly be stressful and full of angst and helplessness, but these loving moments always keep me grounded. These moments of her being this age will soon pass, and I will still have all these memories, photos, and videos to look back on and remember how amazing she was in this moment of time.

Peanut butter loving Kaia Pookie

Posted on by
Reply

Since Kaia was six months old, I’ve been actively trying to expose her to pretty much every nut and seed available to us. Early allergen exposure is really important for babies nowadays given the massive increase in these allergies. In addition, I also just want her to enjoy seeds and nuts. They are so healthy and add so much good flavor and texture to foods. Lucky for us, she immediately embraced all things nutty. She obviously has her favorites: she always seemed to enjoy her oat porridge the most when there was either peanut butter or ground pistachios in them. She’ll happily eat almonds or walnuts, but they seem to be lower on the priority list for her.

This week, she’s mastered actually saying “peanut butter.” I gave her a piece of toast spread with peanut butter. She ate all the surfaces with the peanut butter, then asked for more peanut butter on the “naked” parts of the bread. “More peanut butta?” she said, with a hopeful look on her face. So, I decided to humor her and spread some peanut butter on those parts. Then, she pointed at the jar and motioned to have it. I took a pea-sized amount of peanut butter, put it on my finger, and she immediately went to lick it off. She then let out a little giggle, asked “more?” and then got some more.

Kaia Pookie is a peanut butter baby, and even better: she’s a Teddie peanut butter baby.

Terrible Twos vs. Terrific Twos

Posted on by
Reply

I saw a post on Instagram about parenting (that’s pretty much most of my targeted posts now) littles that made me stop for a moment. It talked about how everyone always talks about the “Terrible Twos,” but people rarely stop to think about all the great things about toddlers when they reach this general stage. Kaia is now 22 months old, so while she’s not yet 2 officially, she certainly is a curious, independence seeking young toddler who wants to do her own thing. The post went on and discussed all the great things about this stage of development, like the fact that they can walk, run, and climb; they can speak a little so can actually communicate with you a bit; they are extremely responsive, they can listen to things you say and take action; they can be sweet and affectionate, and they are still in the ‘happy-to-cuddle’ stage.

I’ve thought a lot about that this year. While I could certainly do without a lot of the toddler tantrums that Pookster has had (and to be fair, in the grand scheme of everything I hear about this age range, my baby really is nowhere close to being extreme Terrible Twos toddler at all), I’ve really loved this year of development. I’ve loved hearing her say first words or phrases for the first time, even annoying ones like “come on!” when she wants me to get her out of the stroller/high chair faster. I’ve loved hearing her finishing sentences in books. I’ve really enjoyed the journey of watching her grow confident in walking and now running. I love hearing her surprise me with songs she has learned and remembered that I’ve sung to her ages ago, both in English and Chinese, plus new ones she learns at school and through our Amazon Alexa. I love when she asks to hug or kiss me, or when she remembers the Chinese word for some food I’ve given her before. I love it when I watch her figure out how to play with a toy correctly, or identify a new object with the right name, and also when she discovers how to do things like open pill bottles and drawers (dangerous, but still good progress for her development….). I love it when I’m giving her a bath, and when it’s time to lift her feet for a scrub, she lifts the right foot when I tell her to lift it, and then she giggles and smiles while exclaiming, “toesies!” I always tell her, and have been telling her since she was a newborn: “Mama loves your toesies! Pookie’s toesies! I want to EAT Pook’s toesies!” I love the way she smells and sleeps. I still love how she sleeps on her stomach with her tiny butt sticking up in the air. This time will pass, though. It is bittersweet.

I love my sweet cheeky young toddler baby. She really is just so lovable, and I hope I can always have this much love in my heart for her. I hope she will always love me and see me as a safe space, even as she grows, matures, and decides she doesn’t always want to run to me when she sees me at pickup.

Fall festivities with a young toddler in western Massachusetts

Posted on by
Reply

I have always loved fall foliage. The sad thing, though, about growing up in California is that in that region of the United States, fall foliage or the gradual but vibrant color change of leaves, is pretty much nonexistent. When I was young, I was never educated as to why the leaves change color in parts of the U.S. like the northeast, so I thought that maybe, just maybe all this leaf peeping fascination was just made up.

Well, I moved to the northeast for college in August 2004, so autumn 2004 was my very first time being immersed in these beautiful shades of orange, red, yellow, gold, and deep purple. I probably spent more time than I should have stressing over midterms and other school work related tasks, but I did remember the fun of stepping and crunching over fall leaves and throwing them all in the air. It was like being a little kid all over again, just for the first time with this type of experience. When I first came out to the northeast, I thought about all the seasonal festivities kids (and, well, adults) get to have: the autumn leaf peeping and crunching, the apple orchards and cider donuts, the hay rides, the pumpkin carving. It’s not that most of those things cannot be done in other parts of the U.S. It’s more that with the crisp autumn air and temperatures, it seems like a more perfect fit here, where you get a real fall/autumn.

So we looked around at areas where Kaia could get big bunches of leaves and throw them everywhere. We found it at Mason Square today, which is in front of where the first game of basketball was played here in Springfield in 1891. The leaves were not quite crunchy because of the on and off rain, but at least they were bright and golden. We showed Kaia how to grab a bunch and throw them, and being a toddler, she was quite excited and tried to throw some herself. With each throw of leaves and each leaf that fell on her head, she let out her sweet little giggle of wonder and delight. And of course, I tried to document this with as many photos and videos as I could get. I even dressed her in an autumn leaf/flower top in anticipation of capturing these moments. It was sweet to watch her embrace this and throw the leaves here and there. Her fascination with the leaves (and of course, trying to put one in her mouth) was heartwarming to watch. She’s learning about all different seasonal parts of our world, one look and touch at a time.

Throwing fall/autumn leaves with Pookster

Posted on by
Reply

I took today off from work so that we could take a long weekend and drive up to Springfield, Massachusetts, for some autumn festivities, which included visits to an apple orchard, a farm with a pumpkin patch and farm animals, museums, and outdoor walks. We took Kaia to see some farm animals once again, and this time at Fletcher Family Farm, she enjoyed seeing the baby cows and getting closer to them than she got to the goats at the last farm during our Richmond, Virginia, trip. She waved and said hi over and over to all of them, going to each of them and waving hi. Even when they moved closer to her, she didn’t flinch as much, and she genuinely seemed to be observing them carefully and inspecting them.

We also Kaia look at all the fall mums decorating the pumpkin patch and on display for sale, and also the pumpkins. Fletcher Farm is really well set up: although the hay rides and kids’ activities are only on the weekends, they have plenty of photo ops for children that are cute, with pumpkins, a barn door, and the like. While every northeast family probably takes their kids to these types of places at least once, they probably also want to ensure they get some cute photos with all these things. Sometimes, it can work, and other times, it results in the kids getting mad at being told what to do and where to go and ultimately end up in tears (both happened to us with Pookster in a very short span of time, as hilarious as it was).

The apple orchard I chose was closed this season for “Pick Your Own” unfortunately, but we still picked up some delicious spiced apple cider donuts and local jams. And in the light rain, Chris drove us up to an apple tree that had fruit on it, and I took Kaia out and carried her so she could see apples on the trees. She initially seemed confused, but when I told her they were apples, she got really wide-eyed and excited, constantly touching the apples, and then proceeded to even knock one of the apples off the tree!

I love seeing fruits and vegetables growing, but seeing the joy and excitement on a little toddler’s face like my Pookster makes the experience even more worth it. Every day, I want her to learn and be exposed to something new. We can be jaded as adults by things like “pick your own,” but I do think it teaches kids about where food comes from. It’s not just from your fridge or the grocery store. There is labor, love, and effort that goes into all this.

“Mummy blanket!”

Posted on by
1

People talk about the “terrible 2s” when toddler tantrums and demands get a bit out of control. The toddler tantrum period actually starts much earlier than age 2 as we’ve seen; they started earlier this year, probably around the time that Kaia was about 14-15 months old. The reason these tantrums happen is that babies at this stage are becoming more aware of their surroundings, as well as their own feelings and desires. When those things don’t always align with what the adults in their lives want, this can result in inner turmoil for the child… hence, the tantrum. While these moments can certainly be exhausting and infuriating, I have always remembered in these moments to try really, really hard not to react, especially angrily, and to be as calm as possible. I am also grounded by the sweet moments that I have with Pookster, like this one that happened tonight.

Once we got ready for story time before bed, I asked Kaia to choose some books as always that she wanted to read together. She happily complied as always, grabbing a handful of books and dragging them onto the bed. She also asked for her baby blanket, which I gave her. She’s really enjoyed sleeping with her blanket in the last few months, likely because she’s had a blanket during nap time at daycare, so she’s used to having it. But when I gave her the baby blanket, she paused and then started crying and yelling, “No! No, no, no!” I got so confused. I gave her the blanket she asked for. What was making her upset?

I took the blanket away. She yelled “No!” again and grabbed it back. And then, she pointed at the big blanket folded at the foot of the bed that I leave for myself when it gets a bit chilly at night during story time when I’m with her. She yelled, “Mummy blanket! Mummy blanket!” And then it finally dawned on me: she wanted not only for her to have her baby blanket, but for her mummy to also have a big blanket. So I asked, “Do you want mummy to use a blanket, too?” and she nodded her head vigorously in response, continuing to point at the big blanket. Even though it was a bit warm, I decided to appease her and wrap the blanket around my legs. “Are you happy now that mummy has her blanket, too?” I asked her. She smiled ear to ear while pointing at my blanket: “Mummy blanket!” And then, she pointed at her own blanket I put on top of her, saying, “Kaia blanket!”

It was beyond sweet. My heart was so warmed. She wanted both of us to be warm and snuggly under a blanket. My sweet baby never fails to surprise me with her tenderness and affection in the moments I least suspect.

75 vs. 75

Posted on by
Reply

Last night, I had dinner at a Georgian restaurant with my 9th grade English teacher, who I’ve kept in touch with since I graduated from high school. When I look back at my childhood, I realize that I am very fortunate to have developed positive, lasting relationships with a couple of my teachers, who were always positive role models for me. They were people who always genuinely cared and showed interest in me, not just as a student, but as a person. My former teacher and now friend was in town visiting from San Francisco, and so we got together for dinner to catch up, as I hadn’t seen her since the last time I was back home last August.

Every time I see her, I am reminded of all the “what could be” situations with my parents. She and my dad are the same age — they are both 75. Yet somehow, my dad leaves this drab, mundane life where he literally does the same boring things every day that do not give him any joy. He eats the same foods, spends time on YouTube and the internet, and grumbles about prices going up, inflation, politics, and the works. He has no friends to socialize with, nor does he seem to care. He has zero curiosity about the world. He’s not really learning anything new or doing anything new. He has no desire to go anywhere or see anything different. He doesn’t even have the desire to come to New York to visit me, his only living child. And my mom, though she would want to travel, is held back because of my dad. She feels like she has to take care of him, as though he’s another child under her wing.

My former teacher and friend, on the other hand, lives the most fruitful, fun, and colorful life: she takes dance classes two days a week. She regularly does arts and crafts (scrapbooking, textiles, and painting), takes a watercoloring class, and has lots of friends who she is constantly meeting up with and traveling to visit. She is always “busy” in a positive way; she aims to be happy and fill her life with people and things and activities that bring her joy and spark her passion. She makes the most of her life, and she doesn’t let the fact that she’s 75 years old stop her. For her, age is a number, not an excuse to do or not do certain activities.

I always think that my parents could benefit to be around someone like this friend. If they were just a fraction of her, they’d be so much happier and more fulfilled. You’d never guess seeing or listening to her that she’s in the same age range as my parents. She is vibrant, full of life and zeal. It’s unfortunate that I can’t get my parents to see life in a more positive way like she does.