Having your life saved by your sibling

When people die prematurely, it tends to bring a lot of thoughts to one’s mind. Kara Swisher wrote this opinion piece in The New York Times about the sudden and unanticipated stroke she had when was on a business trip in Hong Kong when she was just 49 years old. She had a really busy schedule and was running from meeting to meeting, but in between, she was on the phone with her brother, who is a doctor. She described her symptoms to him. And he advised her to immediately get to the nearest hospital right away. “You’re having a stroke,” he admonished her. She needed to get treated ASAP.

Because of her brother’s constant prodding, she finally relented and went to the hospital. Through an M.R.I., she discovered she was having a mini-stroke, a small hole in her heart to which a clot traveled. If she didn’t go right away, she could have had her mobility taken away or even died. But because of her loving brother’s insistence, she is now here with us, still living, still able to be with her husband and their two sons.

I paused for a bit after reading this and teared up, especially at the last two lines:

“That definitely included the fantastic brooding of Mr. Perry’s Dylan McKay, who was given to saying things like, ‘The only person you can trust in this world is yourself.’

Well, I guess, but not if you are lucky enough to have a brother who saved your life.”

The world does not revolve around me. But when I read things like this, stories about sibling relationships and love, and in this specific case, a brother who saved his sister’s life, I think about my relationship with Ed — how I wanted to help save his life, but I was unable to. I was too far away from him, both physically and mentally. I couldn’t help him as much as I wanted to because I was just unable to reach him. And stories like this are a reminder of how I tried and failed because I just wasn’t capable. It just hurts all over again.

‘s mind.

Vietnam War documentary series

I originally intended to watch the entire 10-episode series of Ken Burns’s The Vietnam War documentary on Netflix before we departed for Vietnam in December, but I wasn’t able to. I got only to the first two episodes, but that was already enough to fill me with angst. It’s quite sad that the Vietnam War is not taught in depth the way it should be in American schooling because so much of it is misunderstood by the American people, particularly when you think about the actual rational of the U.S. government to enter the war and continue to be a part of it. So much was either not shared to the American people, or felt out lied about to the American public. Many South Vietnamese, including my own mother (well, there’s some bias here since she ended up marrying an American soldier), think that the Americans were a blessing to the Vietnamese people in entering this war, that their reason to come was to save them. But as revealed in this documentary, that was actually the very last, and the least weighted reason, for the U.S. to enter the war. The number one reason was to prove internationally the American superiority, the American prowess over the world. The very last documented reason was to save the South Vietnamese people.

All the bombs that were repeatedly dropped on North Vietnam were done without the American public knowing about it. They were never informed. It was never covered in the news. So when a reporter from The New York Times came and actually witnessed this happening and reported it, so many Americans refused to believe it was actually true. But it was. This is the kind of thing that makes me so angry — a government trying to assert its authority and trying to come off as though they are peace-seeking, doing something selflessly, when in reality it is 100 percent motivated by selfishness, and carried out in total deception. How can anyone in their right mind see the facts of the Vietnam War and still believe that the actions of the U.S. government were justified? How can you lie to the people you govern over and then try to justify it? How can you commit so many war crimes and somehow manage to continue to be fully absolved from them to this day? These are the moments where it is so clear that life is unfair and that the worst of the worst never seem to get what they deserve. There is no ‘learning from your mistakes’ here. It’s just mistakes over mistakes, repeatedly.

I also say this as someone who would not be here today if the Vietnam War never happened, if the U.S. never participated in it. But it still makes me more angry beyond comprehension.

Four days homebound

There’s really nothing worse than staying at home and being sick. The rest of the world goes on and gets everything done that they need and want to get done. Here I am, letting life pass by and getting pretty much nothing done other than cleaning my sinks and toilet because of all my spitting and vomiting, drinking a ton of liquid, which results in my constant toilet breaks, and trying to get into a comfortable position. This is not fun. Then, I am rescheduling all my customer calls, and then getting more and more delayed with the prep work for onsite meetings that I need to travel to next week. Not being productive is really one of my worst nightmares and makes me feel terrible. I hate feeling like I am not getting anything done.

I was on the phone with Teledoc this morning to see if they could give me any useful advice. I’m nearing my wits end with my cough and terrible sleep. They ended up prescribing me a prescription-grade cough suppressant, plus an anti-inflammatory steroid to help with my breathing and to help lessen my cough. We’ll see if any of this ends up helping me. It’s hard to tell if anything I am doing is helping, or if it’s just the passage of time that is healing. The greatest thing about using Teledoc is that I don’t have to leave where I am, and I don’t have to deal with some moronic overpaid doctor who doesn’t give me any useful information at all like what happened last month.

 

 

War Remnants Museum in Saigon

It’s a funny thing about museums covering war and conflict; at some point, someone get up in arms about how biased a museum can be, or gets angry about the the self-promoting nationalist propaganda that a city or country’s museum takes. Prior to coming to this museum today, I skimmed a number of TripAdvisor reviews, and a few very angry Americans touted this museum as “Vietnamese propaganda,” “completely biased,” and “anti-American” (to this last point, I would respond, ‘Well, the U.S. did decide to come invade Vietnam and harm then and future generations of Vietnamese people, so if you were Vietnam, wouldn’t you be anti-American, too?’) But if you think about it, every country does this. I mean, it’s not like the JFK Presidential Library and Museum reveals that he didn’t genuinely care about civil rights for black Americans, and that he was really supporting whatever would get him reelected. The Vietnam War memorials, many of them all over the U.S., but the largest one in Washington, D.C., doesn’t mention the fact that the U.S. sprayed Agent Orange, among a whole rainbow of colors of other toxic chemicals, all over the country of Vietnam in a miscalculated attempt to destroy the food crops of guerrilla warriors, when in fact they completely screwed up and instead destroyed the crops of civilians, not to mention poisoned anyone who came into content with that substance for life, plus their second, third, and now even fourth generation family members.

In my history courses in high school covering recent U.S. history (in American history classes, “recent” means 1900s and onward), the Vietnam War is a quick few paragraphs in a textbook, and then it’s done. There’s a quick mention of Agent Orange and that the U.S. retreated, and that was pretty much it. I still remember coming back from my Advanced Placement U.S. History class on the day that our very left-leaning teacher did a lesson on the Vietnam War. He said, “The U.S. lost! We actually lost! We weren’t used to losing! So we had to get the hell out of there and FAST!”

I realized in that class that I knew absolutely nothing about the Vietnam War. My brother and I were results of the Vietnam War; he and I would not exist if that war did not happen. Our dad served as a Private in radio communications on the U.S. side during the war in Qui Nhon in south central Vietnam. Our mom also somehow got a job with the U.S. Army also working in radio communications in the same city. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So, I headed home that day. And at dinner, I told my dad what my history teacher said. “Mr. Schmidt said that the U.S. lost the war,” I said naively and ignorantly. “Is that really true?”

My dad looked flabbergasted. He dropped the fork onto his plate, and he looked at me as though I was crazy. “We didn’t lose!” he exclaimed. “We retreated! There’s a difference between those two things!”

Actually, there kind of isn’t. As I read more on my own, I realized, this country really did lose. And we kind of deserved it. My dad never elaborated more than that. He rarely liked to talk about the war, and for very obvious reasons, neither did my mom. It was one of those subjects that I always wanted to ask more about, but was too afraid to upset either of them about.

Today, we went through all the exhibits one by one in the War Remnants Museum (originally called Exhibition House for US and Puppet Crimes, then renamed to Exhibition House for Crimes of War and Aggression, then finally renamed to this final name in 1995 after diplomatic relations between the U.S. and Vietnam were normalized). I noticed callouts regarding radio communications in central Vietnam and thought about my parents. I saw Qui Nhon marked as a major combat unit in South Vietnam and learned it was designated as the tiger region. And, much to my complete disgust and horror, I saw real photos of the effects of Agent Orange on innocent south Vietnamese civilians, some of whom were in the womb when their mothers were affected by this chemical. It was an entire exhibit devoted to the atrocities that fell upon these innocent people in this beautiful country all because my home country decided to recklessly spray whatever they could in an attempt to win a war. Of the bits my dad did share with me, he said that he learned of Agent Orange while he was in Qui Nhon, and he heard the officials telling everyone not to be concerned if they got it on themselves because it wouldn’t harm them; it was only meant to harm the crops and fields. My dad thought they were crazy; he didn’t trust anything that they told him, and he stayed far away from all of it as possible. And thank God he did. So many American soldiers came back to the U.S. with terrible health ramifications that the U.S. government refused to acknowledge or compensate for decades after the war ended.

There was the photo of the conjoined twins who had their own arms and legs, but shared a torso. Then, there was the baby with a massively enlarged skull that looked as though bullets had gone through it. She had been diagnosed with hydro-encephalitis, a disease in which there is a build up of fluid in the brain ventricles, and thus the pressure of the fluid ends up causing life-threatening brain damage. She died a month after the photo was taken. Then, there are the many photos of babies born who basically look like skulls with empty eye sockets. They were blind and would never be able to see. They were doomed to never properly grow into adulthood. This is just a quick snapshot of what I remember and some of which I took pictures of. But it’s not even a smidgen of all the awful health outcomes of those affected by Agent Orange.

I started sobbing while looking at these horrific photos; it was difficult to remain composed. I’ve visited a number of very tragic and moving war museums, including the Atomic Bomb Museum in Hiroshima and the Apartheid and District Six Museums in Johannesburg and Cape Town, but for me, this somehow hurt so much more and felt closer to me. It felt more real to me than the others, and maybe it’s because my parents were there that I felt so terrible. My parents could have been affected by that; my relatives on my mom’s side were affected. My mom lost many siblings during the war, and I don’t even know all the stories to this day. I know she had nine living siblings; I know only the stories of three. What happened to the other six…? The horrors of the war still stay with my mom, and very likely with my dad, which is why he doesn’t talk about it, either. But with Agent Orange specifically, I felt enraged that the country I call home could be so reckless and stupid, and worse, actually defend what they did and even lie about it, even to their own people. And when people actually were affected, they didn’t care about them and ignored them. It’s so typical of the Land of the Free to do something so cold and cruel like this. The U.S. got away with war crimes, and to this day, this country denies the impact that Agent Orange has and claims that the 4.8 million Vietnamese affected that the Vietnamese government claims is grossly over-estimated. For a country that refuses to provide their own affected soldiers who have come back from the war treatment and compensation, that is just disgusting. More and more, I felt embarrassed to be an American standing in that museum.

And then I think of the current political situation back home, with President Dipshit, the oldest child to ever run the country, and his insipid, selfish, racist, and short-sighted government shut-down, and I think, do we really have any hope of being a better place when a large chunk of this country support this moron?

 

 

 

Three time’s a charm

I woke up this morning pretty sore. My calves and thighs had been put to work the last few days. I spent the last three mornings at the gym doing pretty rigorous interval runs and pairing them with full-body strength workouts from my Aaptiv workout app. There really wasn’t a single part of my body that was not sore other than my face, neck, hands, and feet. But it was a good kind of sore, the kind of sore that says, “hey! I’m working out, and my body is changing as a result of all my effort! Yay!”

So this morning, I decided to go “easier” and choose a 30-minute intermediate-level yoga routine. I stretched and strengthened, and while lying on my mat at the end, I thought, hey, I could use a burst of something high energy. Why don’t I choose this 12-minute kettle-bell challenge?

That was a mistake I didn’t foresee. The last time I did any kettle bell exercises was probably over two months ago. I was used to the motions and the general form your body is supposed to take. On the 6th kettle bell swing, I immediately felt a twinge on the right side of my lower back that yelped, “danger!” and I slowly put the kettle bell down and laid down on the floor. Oh, crap. It hurt when I put the kettle bell down. It’s hurting now as I’m rolling over from my butt to my back. I just hurt myself working out for the third time in the last four months. This is not good. Why does this keep happening to me…?

As I lay on my stomach, identifying where exactly my back was hurt, I thought, well, at least I am alive and can actually get injured. I should be grateful for that, too, right? 

This is what getting older feels like, huh?

 

 

 

The Winning Side

We are certainly not feeling like we are on the winning side today after seeing the news alert on our phones that Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed as the next Supreme Court justice, but we ended up seeing a show today called The Winning Side, a play about the true story of Wernher von Braun, the chief rocket engineer of the Third Reich and one of the founders of the U.S. space program. He was technically a Nazi working for the Nazis, but through Operation Paperclip, a secret program in which more than 1,600 German scientists, engineers, and technicians, were recruited and granted U.S. citizenship, he gained citizenship and thus became an American. The play is probably one of my favorites that we have seen lately, and it does a very compelling job in asking its audience to question our views about science, technology, politics, and ethics. Was it really okay to bring someone like von Braun into the U.S. so that the U.S. could benefit from his great intellect and experience in rocket science despite the fact that he was a Nazi and basically overlooked what Hitler was doing to exterminate all non-German people? Can you truly remove yourself from politics when you are a rocket scientist on the Nazi side, trying to help future humankind while at the same time saying that you don’t really identify as a Nazi?

In the play, von Braun has an affair with a French woman who (fictionally) is an actress. While he was able to continue his life and move on to the U.S. and become a citizen, one who was quite respected, on the other hand, she got caught for this illicit affair and was called out for “collaboration horizontale” — French women who were involved in some way with any Germans during WWII. Along with countless other French women, she was publicly shamed, her head shaven, her body beaten, stripped naked, and spit on constantly by the crowds. She was then ostracized by her country and forced to flee to French Morocco, where she ended up destitute.

What is this, an ongoing theme of white men getting away with and even getting rewarded for all the crap they do, and women just having to suffer all the consequences of what the men did? It’s almost uncanny that we watched this just hours after hearing the Kavanagh confirmation news.

It’s like pain on top of pain. This was the case then. This is the case now. The unfairness goes on.

 

Trump supporters everywhere

Today really was not my day. After my meetings ended and I had my customary visit to Cloud Gate, also known as The Bean, in Millennium Park, an Uber picked me up to take me to O’Hare Airport. And while on that ride, the driver decided to turn on some AM radio, which is playing some conservative radio show that is praising Trump, criticizing the Democrats grilling Brett Kavanagh while being evaluated as the next Supreme Court justice, and saying that Kavanagh is a fine, fine candidate for this position.

I wanted to throw up. But I was too passive and nice, and instead of asking the driver to switch the channel, I just consumed more and more news on my New York Times app, aka what Trump calls “The failing New York Times.” Instead, I gave him a crappy rating, no tip, and got out of the car when we finally arrived at the airport. He wasn’t particularly friendly or nice to me, anyway.

Then, as if it didn’t get any better, when I got on the plane and sat in my window seat, a white man from Montana sat down next to me in the middle seat between me and an Asian man, presumably Korean (I’m just guessing based on his appearance). He teased the Asian man, asking if he wanted to sit with the “pretty girl in the window seat,” and declared, “All Chinese people like to stick with their own kind. Chinese people will only marry Chinese people.” That absolutely is not true as we all know, but what does this guy know, anyway, to make such a sweeping and ignorant statement like this? Not to mention that I’m not married to a Chinese man, nor is this guy even Chinese! He then whipped out The Russian Hoax book, which apparently is ranked #11 on the Amazon books bestsellers list (this is the liberal bubble I live in, to not be aware that this book was recently released), and started reading it, completely engrossed. This book, as I briefly looked up, basically says that the concept of Russian collusion is completely fabricated by the left, and that Hillary Clinton got away with endless law breaking and should be locked up. It got glowing praise from Rush Limbaugh. That’s how we know we cannot take this book seriously.

On my ride to the airport in Chicago, I was driven by a Trump supporter. Then, on my flight back from Chicago to New York, I was sitting next to a Trump supporter. WHY??????

 

Discrimination at the bar in Asheville, North Carolina

It’s always comforting to visit the South and not receive any service at all, whatsoever, as a person of color.

We tried to eat at this popular spot called Tupelo Honey en route back from Great Smokey Mountain National Park yesterday in Asheville, North Carolina. Since there were no free tables in the evening for dinner, I decided to sit at the bar and wait for Chris to park the car and figured we could eat and drink at the bar. Well, I never had the opportunity to eat or drink anything, not even water, because the bartender completely ignored me for the entire 20 minutes I sat at the bar until I decided to walk out. There was no way I was going to give hard-earned money to an establishment that chooses to completely ignore me and treat me like I don’t matter or don’t exist.

Not only did the bartender ignore me several times when I tried to say hello, but when I finally raised my voice and asked to see a menu, she didn’t even make eye contact with me and said, “sure, I can get that to you” as she looked away from me. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt given it was peak dinner time and so she was probably busy, but she proceeded to have small chitchat with all the other couples sitting around me, giving them drinks and more water, getting their bills processed, so why would it have been so difficult just to say hi to me and hand me a simple menu?

We’ve traveled to the South so many times and have received amazing service from every state and restaurant down here, so it’s sad to see that the bartender during dinner time on Sundays at Tupelo Honey wants to perpetuate the same treatment that the Greensboro Four, four activist African American men, received when they tried to sit down at a “Whites-Only” counter at the Woolworth’s back in February 1960 and were refused service. It’s like a teeny tiny fraction of the hate and bigotry that people of color had to face in our country back then, just right in face today in 2018. If this wasn’t based on race, I have no idea what else it could have been based on — the fact that she maybe didn’t like the way I looked or was dressed? Regardless, it was wrong and terrible.

Sometimes, people forget that segregation as this country knew it was not just dividing whites from blacks; it was physically dividing all white people from anyone else of color, even Jewish people. Yes, that includes Asians. So yes, that’s people who look like us. To the white people then, and some white people now given the white supremacists who still rein in this country, people who look like Chris and me will never be good enough. We are a threat to white America. So they can go fuck themselves and stop leading their delusional lives.

Key for the front door

I was out at dinner with some friends tonight, and a friend came over after to relax and catch up on random things. Then, suddenly, my colleague friend texts me to ask me if I have a key to the front door of the office. He was out at dinner with our east coast head of sales and our CEO and had just gotten back to the office with them in an attempt to have our visiting CEO pick up his luggage, which he decided to leave at the office. Our office building is set up in such a way that after 8pm, the doorman goes home, which means that the front door gets locked, and you need a physical key to get into the building, then a keycard to get into the floor we’re on.

When he explained this to me over the phone, I got so annoyed. Why would he just leave his luggage at the office and not bring it with him? The restaurant is so close to the office. And how could neither of the other two remembered that the door locks at 8pm? And if they had the key, which they do, why would they not always carry it on their set of keys and instead choose to leave it at home?!

I was getting ready to leave and kick my friend out to go downtown to open the door when my colleague calls me back and said that plan B worked out; they were able to get a hold of our office manager, who was able to call the cleaning lady, who just happened to be cleaning another office just a ten-minute walk from our building.

It seems like poor judgment, panic, and unfortunate events seem to descend upon us whenever our new CEO is in town. And the mood isn’t great. No one wants to be around. And I almost left my apartment at 9:30pm on a Tuesday night just so that he could get his luggage. I was so mad. And I was irritated that my colleague asked me to do this. This is what happens when you’re too nice of a person and people rely on you to always be there for them. You just get abused and are left feeling unappreciated.

Not all Asian people look the same, and the failure of “Diversity Inclusion”

Within an hour yesterday of arriving at our company’s headquarters in San Francisco, I was chatting with a few of my local colleagues when one of my Amsterdam colleagues walked up to me to hug me, and he said, “I just saw you three weeks ago, and we meet yet again!”

I was so confused. I hadn’t been in the SF office since February when we had our annual sales kickoff. What was he referring to? “No, I haven’t been here since February,” I responded, unsure of what he was referring to.

“Yes, you were here three weeks ago!” this Dutch colleague insisted. “We were working on our side project together.”

And that’s when it hit me. Damnit. He’s mistaking me for another colleague… who is very likely another Asian female.

Our colleague visiting from London knew immediately who he was mistaking me for. He pulled me aside later and said, “(Insert Dutch colleague’s name) thought you were Diana,” he said in a hushed voice.

So, that’s when I decided to post on our company’s Diversity Inclusion Slack channel this message:

“So @jess asked me to be more vocal on this channel given my experiences in general, and so I think now that it’s my first day back at Optimizely SF since February…maybe I can ask this question: Should I be getting used to the fact that as an Asian American woman at this company that I should be confused for other Asian women repeatedly?”

It received a lot of reactions, many of which were other people of color getting mistaken for other people of a similar color. It was just so stupid and senseless. No response from HR was seen, just more outrage from other employees who were not white.

We have a diversity inclusion group at work, which frankly, is more for show and venting than it is for actually solving issues around diversity in the workplace. To make matters worse, it’s only in San Francisco, which is our headquarters. As one of my colleagues said to me when I shared this repeated experience of getting mistaken for other Asian female employees, our company fails to handle diversity management in a productive way that actually effects change. This Slack channel is mainly a steam valve to let people complain together. If our Human Resources team were serious about doing something, they would hire outside professionals to not only come in and do these trainings, but also advise HR on how to handle these issues, as they will constantly come up.

But, that isn’t happening. So, I will continue to be mistaken for other Asian females, and other Asian females will get mistaken for me. Because in a white people world, all people of color look the same to them. We’re not individuals. We’re just a single race duplicated into multiple bodies.