Ever since one of my best friends had her first child in November, my mom has been super annoying about it. Every time I talk to her, which is now, once a week, she will ask if I can share pictures of the baby. I sent a few around the time when she was first born, but after that, I haven’t shared anything. One reason for that is that my friend doesn’t really randomly send photos all the time. The second reason is …. why should I be sharing photos of my friend’s baby with my mom, who barely even knows my friend??

My mom even told me she had a dream that she went to visit my friend to see the baby, and when it was time to go, my mom refused to give the baby back!!

It’s been nearly a month since my right elbow flare up. And despite doing daily nerve flossing exercises, stretching, and avoiding certain activities (like carrying too much weight on my right side), the symptoms do not seem to be getting better. Instead, the “funny bone” area right under both elbows is extremely sensitive. Even when I’m lying on the floor doing glute bridges, I can actually feel the funny bone area, which isn’t a great sign.

I was lying on the floor doing glute bridges, acutely aware of my elbow sensitivity and pain, reminiscing on the time when I could do exercise, whether that was glute bridges or push ups, and not feel any pain or sensitivity at all. I’m 35 years old with semi-chronic pain issues that I’d never foreseen before. If you asked me a year ago if I could fathom this, I would have said no. But now, it’s almost like I’m a mini-me of my mom with nerve issues, which is likely one of her nightmares. She’s always warned me not to spend so much time on a computer or phone, and well, look at where I am now. I don’t see the end of this pain in sight, and it is getting to be depressing.

I stopped seeing my physical therapist at the end of December. We had reached a “steady point” where he wasn’t really teaching me any new exercises or stretches, and my pain/stress was manageable. Other than tweaking parts of my computer setup, trying my best to refrain from doing activities that would stress my ulnar nerve, resting, and continuing my nerve flossing exercises, there wasn’t much for me to do, he said. I also got irritated remembering when he told me that the tightness and weakness I felt in my ring and pinky fingers had nothing to do with my ulnar nerve. A quick Google search reveals that the ulnar nerve originates in your neck, goes all the way down your arm through the inside of your elbow, and then ends in your pinky finger and half your ring finger.

I had a flare up this past Saturday while holding a heavy bag of groceries in my right hand. Prior to that moment of tension in my elbow, I’d never experienced that symptom of pain when carrying anything, which my PT said was unusual. Usually when someone has ulnar nerve issues, they cannot hold beyond a certain weight, but with me up until that point, I was totally fine. And well, now, I’m not. That was a little depressing.

So since Saturday, I’ve been icing nightly, refraining from too much phone use, and trying my best to stay off a computer (other than for work). I also decided to start looking for new exercises and stretches to do, and funnily enough, the exercises I am finding on YouTube made by other physical therapists seem to be helping me more than the ones that my PT taught me.

This only makes me believe less in our stupid medical system and more in YouTube and self-treatment. It’s like no one can help me except myself.

There’s a lot of conflicting information with varied levels of “research studies” behind them on the internet when you search for what you should eat, food and supplement wise, when trying to conceive. A few things are obvious: eat a well-rounded, nutrient dense diet, which means lots of vegetables, fruit, legumes, whole grains. Women need folic acid/folate as well as all the usual vitamins and minerals (A, C, D, etc.) to support a healthy, developing baby. Men should stay away from tight underwear (!!) and hot tubs/jacuzzis when trying to conceive. But what about the difference between CoQ10 vs. ubiquinol? Selenium is known to be a needed mineral for healthy sperm and eggs, and as such, is included in pretty much every pre-conception supplement for both men and women. And somehow, in nature, the densest food source of selenium is Brazil nuts. Should we all eat 1-3 Brazil nuts a day? What the heck are you supposed to do to “help” because again, everyone just wants to feel “in control” of SOMETHING?

I’m not really open to investing money in things like fertility acupuncture or fertility massage because I don’t think I would enjoy it, nor is there really that much evidence that it actually works (both those things are attempting to increase blood flow, and so don’t I exercise and stretch enough to get my blood flowing properly…?!!), but I’d be open to adding certain supplements or eating more of certain foods… just because it would give me some sense of control that I’m at least attempting to do something, anything within my ability to help.

I feel weird saying this, but having a day job is actually a relief to me now. Work is actually a time and place where I can get things on my to-do list done, there’s not that much uncertainty, and I feel like for the most part, I have control over my day and how successful things are. Having control and insight is very empowering…. It’s even more empowering when I know I feel like I have zero control over our fertility situation. Work is like an escape from thinking about the unpredictably and total turmoil that is the TTC (“trying to conceive”) journey. But once the computer turns off, I feel like my mind goes back into the same thought process…. wondering when anything is going to work for us.

When I did sex education in eighth grade, I was 13, and I naively estimated that I’d have my first child by age 27. Well, that means I’d need to get pregnant by age 26, and for me, I would want to be married before getting pregnant. So, no, that did not happen, and that was never going to happen for me once I reached my 20s and realized how ridiculous that thought was.

Then when I got married, I thought, well, maybe we’ll start trying when I’m 33. I’ll be pregnant at age 33 or 34, and it would be perfect! Well…. That didn’t happen. Another naive thought. They say you get older and wiser. That clearly did not apply here.

Now, I’m 35. I have no idea if I will get pregnant at this age. Now, I’m more wondering if I’ll be 36, 37, or even 38 when it finally happens.

Or, in the very back of my mind… the darkest thought sits… will I ever get pregnant and be able to experience a successful live birth, ever?

Infertility is a hard concept to understand or wrap your head around until you actually experience it yourself. It really feels like you’re fighting a war, whether that war is with yourself, your body, some higher power — who the heck knows? But it feels like a war, a battle of some sort, and you have no freaking idea when it will ever end.

We still don’t know whether our remaining embryo is genetically “normal” or not, but regardless of its status, I still feel defeated. Having only one embryo make it to blastocyst seems like a failure after all the injections and medications, all the ultrasounds, all the bloodwork… everything. This whole process is really a mind fuck (and frankly, a body fuck if you have bad side effects from all these treatments) when it ends, and you have little to nothing to show for it at the end.

It’s why in many fertility/infertility groups, they call women who go through IVF “IVF warriors.” There’s even a non profit I found on Instagram founded by a couple who were on an 8-year infertility journey (they are expecting their first child in a few weeks, fingers crossed) called Cozy Warriors, which raises infertility awareness and also funds for couples who need fertility treatments but cannot afford them/have no insurance coverage. To raise money, they make socks… because according to ancient Chinese medicine, a woman must keep her uterus warm (and thus her feet warm…?) to ensure an embryo successfully implants and grows into a healthy baby.

So what does that mean — I’m an IVF warrior now? I don’t really know what I am. I feel like a fallen warrior if that is the case.

Only one embryo survived until day 6.

One. One. One. One. One. Not even two.

One lone embryo out of three that progressed well on Day 3. The other two arrested, meaning they just failed to continue developing. This typically happens due to chromosomal abnormalities.

I just feel like I got told that I’m never going to be a parent, ever. This whole week has been shit.

“Defeated” is the only word that comes up to express how I feel right now.

The embryology lab let me know on the phone on Monday that we’d wait until six days of culture rather than 5 to give me the final blastocyst update because I had so many immature eggs.

Well. That is not promising. That just makes me feel even worse.

This week is truly one of the worst weeks I’ve experienced.